Saturday, July 06, 2013

Updates & All That Jazz

This is going to be a very personal outpouring of all the emotions I have bottled up inside me. I haven't really vented (and I mean REALLY VENTED) lately so I apologize in advance.

I went to Vegas with Rae for my birthday. That was fun.

While we were in Vegas, our aunt died. I don't know how to deal with things like that. Especially when I'm so removed from the situation. Like being across the country. I haven't grieved in any way. I don't think I know how. I just like to pretend that it didn't really happen, and that she just doesn't come to the picnics and doesn't use facebook anymore. Anyway...

I pretty much don't care about my job. I honestly do not care if I get fired tomorrow. Because it's just...frustrating. I have to spell things out, literally in black and white, with notes taped to everything just for some people to know wtf to do. Honestly, how hard is it to put shit on shelves? I'll tell you, it's apparently really hard. Sometimes I wonder how people manage to get themselves out of bed in the morning, or, you know, breathe.

I hate being in love. Pretty much the shittiest feeling ever. When he's not around, all I do is think about him; his smell, his eyes, his hair, his car, his dog, his bed, his biceps, his job, his body, his bed - did I say that one twice? - what he's doing, is he fishing, what he's thinking about. I think about all the things I want to say to him, because I don't open up to him. I let him talk and talk about everything in his life, but I barely say anything about mine. I'm too scared. But I practice the conversation on my way to his house. I think about how to say that I just want to wake up next to him, his arm still around me. I think about telling him that nothing in this life would make me happier than spending every moment with him for the rest of my life. I think about telling him that he's the most important person to me, that I would do anything for him. I think about telling him how badly I want him, sexually. I want to talk about everything that I've mentioned above.

But then I sit down next to him on the couch and say nothing. I just lay my head on his shoulder and pretend like none of this exists.

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