Saturday, April 30, 2011

Wishlist

Things I Wish I Could Do
  1. play guitar, but only specific songs, not the overall ability
  2. fly
  3. have a personal servant who would shop for me
  4. become sober regardless of level of drunk in an instant
  5. finish books/tv series
  6. finish crocheted things faster
In reference to #5, I don't like to know how things end if I like them, because I'm always afraid that it will make me no longer like them. For example, Roseanne got really shitty near the end. I really didn't like the end of Sphere and thus, watching the last two seasons of Gilmore Girls, and the rest of Dexter may ruin everything for me.

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Now playing: Wir Sind Helden - Ein Elefant Für Dich
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

With the exception of me being out of town for Ke$ha, I have been at my place of business every day for the last 17 days straight. Sometimes working off the clock...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

And Dreaming About Druglords

I don't think I've ever met Dawn's ex-husband Jerry. I've heard stories about him and saw him in passing at work once. The story you're about to hear is NOT one of the stories I've heard about him. I hope no one stumbles upon this and thinks that Dawn is starting rumors about him. It was simply a dream. (It gets graphic near the end...sexually graphic. And has potential for NSFW.)

I went over to Dawn's because we were going to some event...no idea, she was all dressed up and Jerry was there so I'm guessing it was for her son. Anyway, there were two other people there with us, don't know who they were, one might have been Melissa. Who they are makes no difference.

Right before heading out, we hid in Dawn's room from her son and passed around a joint. A few minutes later, after we let the smoke escape...then I went out to the living room and packed my stuff up (apparently I had spent the night) and as Jerry was packing the stuff into a car, Dawn went in some back room with me and one of the other random people to fix her shoe. We looked out the window and there were policemen in the garden. Dawn started freaking out about her carrots, as they trampled through and then started pulling up marijuana plants.

Dawn: Oh my god, I had no idea he was growing pot in my garden!
Me: I have no money for bail. We can't get arrested!
Dawn: Slip some money into your cleavage, you'll be fine.

They came up to the front door and waltzed right in and started interrogating us. They asked for my ID because I was the one who looked "the age of a pot grower." The dude tore it apart because he thought my town name was fake. Jerry was taken outside by another cop. Her son was taken to the police car. The random maybe Melissa girl went with her son. Leaving Dawn, me, and random guy in this room with one cop. Who looked us over and then said, "You two ladies can skip part one...You, however, boy, will get the worst spanking ever received by an individual."

Dearest Blog Readers, I apologize for what follows. You can skip the italics.

I raised my hand and said, "Um, if you don't mind, I'll go ahead and take that one for the team..."
Cop: Wait, seriously?
Me: Yeah.
Dawn: Stef, really?
Cop: Well then, get you skirt up and get over my knee.

So, I did. And I felt awkward only because Dawn was watching. He was putting his all into it, but it didn't hurt me at all, thus I wasn't making any sort of protest and it was pissing him off, so he just started using random objects to spank me. I finally just told him that he's not doing much but turning me on...and I'd really appreciate it if he would just finally cause some sort of pain. Finally, he was like "You want pain??? I'll give you pain!"

He flipped me over and whipped out his giant penis. And I'm not talking like "Oh, your penis is so big!" I mean like, when he hovered over me, it reached from the point of entry up to my head. Which is like, 2.5 feet or so. But then we had sex for awhile. Until finally he couldn't do much more. I mean, he did have a huge penis and we couldn't even touch our bodies...

So then we're done and he gets up to leave, telling us that we are all off the hook, but that Jerry guy is about to get his ass arrested. We go outside to see everything and this creeper guy comes out of a trailer with a giant fan-gun. (a gun that shoots things and then blows it out. such as glitter or...in this case, pot) It starts shooting pot chunks at all the cops and we are eventually all covered in mass amounts of pot.

The end.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dreaming About Bears Again

I'm telling ya, if Tim Kasser ever needs a case study for nightmares, he needs to look no further than me.

I don't get it. I always dream about bears and they are always angry - usually trying to break into whatever type of building I'm in. Last night was no different.

I was on a camping trip with some friends (I have no idea who these people were, seriously...) and I don't know what happened, but there was a toad stuck in a box on the shelf, so I let it out. And when I moved the box, there was also a bear cub trapped back there. Well, he crawled out and after some serious oohing and awwing about how adorable he was, we let him out and he frolicked back into the woods. Cut to a few minutes later when an angry ibex jumps through the window and starts ramming everything and everyone he can find. Personally, I hid on the top of the clock because everyone knows, ibexes are bad at climbing...(what?) It finally got its horns stuck in the couch and they ripped out and then I guess it gave up cause it left.

We thought the excitement was over, but alas...my dreams are never as such. A very large angry bear comes at us, and unlike the rude ibex, uses the door instead of the window. We reason with her, insisting that we no longer have her baby and that she must seriously consider going into the woods to find him. She agrees and after breaking several doors, runs off looking for baby. Meanwhile, another angry bear has made its way into our dwelling. While one of my roommates is doing whatever in his room, the bear tries to break down his door. A fight/argument ensues and the bear ends up falling down the flight of stairs we magically now have and lies dead at the foot of them.

At this point, we are like "screw this noise" and start packing up our stuff. Two of the people camping with us, Julie & girl2, have disappeared. We assume they were eaten by one of the bears. (We assumed they were eaten. Not ran away from the ridiculous animal attacks, but eaten...) Anyway, Bear1 returns as one guy is packing. I'm holding the door shut while the bear screams at us about how we lied and stole her son and, "How would YOU feel if I took your precious two month old baby and threw him into the woods to fend for himself???" I finally grabbed this monstrosity of a black bear and threw her down the stairs as well. Well, during our scuttle, we went up another flight, and so she actually fell down two sets and we both look over her as blood pours out from her head.

This is when I realize I have been watching a movie, starring me. Like, a voice over starts and shows some policemen investigating the murder of two bears and an ibex, while me and this guy hop on a train to Yellowstone...which is where we'll pick up some unsuspecting travelers...And our cover story is that Julie & girl2 disappeared one night and so we left early and we have no idea how all the bodies ended up in the cabin...If they ever catch us.

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Now playing: Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Rambling In April

My head has been throbbing since 8 am...it is now noon thirty. I keep falling back asleep and hoping that the next time I wake up, it won't hurt anymore. Four times now...no luck. I'm probably dehydrated on top of everything else that is wrong with me. I feel like I have a fever but I don't want to get out of bed to get my thermometer.

I had strange dreams last night. I had to walk from work to my elementary school while pushing two shopping carts because my car was in another town and they needed their stuff for the opening football game (in the carts). On the way there, Dawn called me to tell me that a doctor came in to work and told them that I had helped with a desk and he didn't want to work with anyone else but me. There was more but it only makes sense if you work with me...involving pallet jacks & Kathy.

In another dream, Christopher was trying to bring me back from a Pittsburgh visit. The world started flooding and we couldn't figure out how to get to my house without having to drive through mass amounts of water.

Another dream: All I remember is that Dawn & I were doing something together. And I felt uncomfortable. Which pretty much sums up everything in my waking life with her. Which doesn't make any sense.

Last night at the bar, someone asked if I was a lesbian while I was blatantly hitting on two men. And it's all because I said something, which could be construed as a sexual comment. "Don't make me undo your pants." Which, granted, out of context does sound like I'm going to take off her pants and ravage her or something. However, I had sewn someone's pants earlier that day and I was threatening to undo it. I'm not a lesbian and have nothing against them, but seriously...I get asked this way too often and it pisses me off.

Got my nails done and my fingers hurt a little bit. I want to ask them to trim them, but I think I'm afraid to go back. I might get too interested in The Young & The Restless again. I need to know if the baby really was sold. (Dude, it totally was sold to one of the cops investigating the disappearance of the baby's mother.)

Considered doing laundry, but as we have no dryer and it has been raining for 100 days, I wouldn't have anywhere to hang them up to dry. So I'll be doing that during Nascar Sunday like I used to.

I have a ridiculous urge to go through my room and throw everything away. It kinda scares me, but I also want to just simplify everything. I might do that if this headache ever dissipates. Because really, getting out of bed right now makes me feel more physically ill than I already feel.

How sad is it, that I saw the date and tried to figure out what was happening on that date...and then I realized that it was because I was checking for expired tags at work and most of them expire today?
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Now playing: Timbaland ft. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It To Me
via FoxyTunes

Monday, April 11, 2011

Ke$ha!!!

I always felt like one exclamation point didn't get my point across, two looked like a typo, but three was the perfect amount to express my happiness.

Anyway, totally decided that I didn't want to blow off my plans for this last weekend because even though I knew something would go (horribly) wrong, there had to be some speck of fun. And I was right on both accounts. (See, that wasn't pessimism...just me being real.)

Aside from the roughly 85 degree weather, and the roughly 100 degrees in the audience and getting hit in the head by a shoe when the c-word next to me threw it, it was pretty fun. And my camera has amazing zooming abilities. For awhile, I had the perfect view of her, but there were some tall guys in front of us that kept moving.

It was a pretty short show, but we didn't expect it to be too long or amazing, considering it was free. But hey, she sang Blow, and that's really all I needed to hear to make my life complete. At some points it seemed like we were watching Ke$ha Porn: The Musical, simply because the crotch shots were getting a little much.
Anyway, it was fun, and my breasts are only slightly sunburnt. End of review.

The part where shit went (horribly) wrong will be left out intentionally. Sorry, it just doesn't involve me, really, so not going on my blog.

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Now playing: Ke$ha - Take It Off
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, April 03, 2011

FUCK APRIL AND FUCK 2011

Things that are wrong in my life right now:
  • certain friends
  • certain coworkers
  • certain people who may or may not be in both categories listed above
  • my period
  • my mini-tumor on my leg
  • beer
  • i'm currently sober
  • i lost something i need right now
  • certain people i used to have sex with
  • my left foot keeps falling asleep
  • my intelligence is dropping
  • i'm sabotaging everything good in my life
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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Fear
via FoxyTunes