Monday, February 28, 2011

Part Two: The List

So blog, are you sure you're ready for this?
Yes.
Positive? Sometimes I can be a little much.
Stef, really, just tell me what's wrong.
Ugh, it's just hard to get out.
You have to get it out...You'll feel better.
I know. But it's crazy.
You aren't crazy.
Fudge. Are you positive you can handle it?
Bring. It. On.

So, while I am probably insane for holding a conversation with my blog, I'm going to go ahead and just spill my guts out. I still have 14 hours before I have to leave for work, why not have a complete anonymous breakdown with the internet.

Well I'll start with a short list of what's wrong right now and then details shall follow. How does that sound? Just great. Get it all out.

1. My family doesn't really know the real me and I'm afraid if they knew, I would get treated differently. 2. I'm in love with someone who I'm starting to think I shouldn't be in love with. 3. Even with this realization I want no one but him. 4. I hate everything about my appearance except my freckles. 5. I like my job, but everyone tells me that I should hate it. 6. I wasted five years of my life studying something I only marginally cared about because I thought it would give me some sort of satisfaction with life. I was wrong. 7. I am terrified of dying and being dead, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about how to end it all. 8. I want to ease my psychological pain with whiskey. 9. I have been having panic attacks lately about really gruesome things that are very unlikely. 10. My mother has been driving me crazy. 11. I have so many medical issues that I can't afford to take care of. 12. I have become emotionally attached to someone that I'm afraid will hurt me. 13. All of my friends are in relationships except me and it makes me feel like a huge fat loser.

Pause, I thought you said short list?
Oh, sorry. They keep popping up. Should I stop?
No no, it's just making me very worried.
Yeah, me too. But my mind is racing with horrible thoughts.
Sadness. Un-pause.

14. My eyelashes are falling out from stress. 15. I want to work all the time to escape my loneliness. 16. I don't have any motivation to clean; I look at my full garbage can and balance my next piece of garbage on the top. 17. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. 18. Number 12 is really getting to me especially due to recent events.

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