Monday, February 28, 2011

Part Two: The List

So blog, are you sure you're ready for this?
Positive? Sometimes I can be a little much.
Stef, really, just tell me what's wrong.
Ugh, it's just hard to get out.
You have to get it out...You'll feel better.
I know. But it's crazy.
You aren't crazy.
Fudge. Are you positive you can handle it?
Bring. It. On.

So, while I am probably insane for holding a conversation with my blog, I'm going to go ahead and just spill my guts out. I still have 14 hours before I have to leave for work, why not have a complete anonymous breakdown with the internet.

Well I'll start with a short list of what's wrong right now and then details shall follow. How does that sound? Just great. Get it all out.

1. My family doesn't really know the real me and I'm afraid if they knew, I would get treated differently. 2. I'm in love with someone who I'm starting to think I shouldn't be in love with. 3. Even with this realization I want no one but him. 4. I hate everything about my appearance except my freckles. 5. I like my job, but everyone tells me that I should hate it. 6. I wasted five years of my life studying something I only marginally cared about because I thought it would give me some sort of satisfaction with life. I was wrong. 7. I am terrified of dying and being dead, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about how to end it all. 8. I want to ease my psychological pain with whiskey. 9. I have been having panic attacks lately about really gruesome things that are very unlikely. 10. My mother has been driving me crazy. 11. I have so many medical issues that I can't afford to take care of. 12. I have become emotionally attached to someone that I'm afraid will hurt me. 13. All of my friends are in relationships except me and it makes me feel like a huge fat loser.

Pause, I thought you said short list?
Oh, sorry. They keep popping up. Should I stop?
No no, it's just making me very worried.
Yeah, me too. But my mind is racing with horrible thoughts.
Sadness. Un-pause.

14. My eyelashes are falling out from stress. 15. I want to work all the time to escape my loneliness. 16. I don't have any motivation to clean; I look at my full garbage can and balance my next piece of garbage on the top. 17. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. 18. Number 12 is really getting to me especially due to recent events.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Part One: The Convo

Oh hey blog, what's up?
I know cause I own you.
Oh really?
Yes, now get something up.
That's what she said.
Hey now blog, that's immature.
Shut up.
Don't talk to me like that, I could delete you.
You wouldn't dare.
Watch me.
It's that tumblr isn't it? You're cheating on me!
We're just friends, I hardly ever use it.
But really, blog, I've missed you.
Oh, is something wrong?
Yes, my life is a black pit of despair.
Blog, what's wrong? You're quiet.
I'm sorry. Let me be your shoulder. Cry on me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Take this Poll!

Should I get an iPod touch?
Yes, because the pros outweigh the cons.
No, because it is too much money.
Angry Birds... 'nuff said
No: when would it be used? free polls

Friday, February 18, 2011

Insert Something Witty and/or Clever Here

Is this week from hell over yet? Roughly 6 hours...

I didn't know it was possible to feel so much like shit so early in the day. And on such a nice day out. And by nice, I mean it's not snowing and isn't scheduled to. And there's hope for me to see my wonderful K again this weekend. Small hope, but hope nonetheless.

That is a strange word 'nonetheless.' It takes compound words to a whole new level. The double compound. Mightaswell just start doing it with other commonly used together words.

I forgot that 8:10 existed in the world. Because it was 8:05 and I thought, the next time my 5-minute snooze alarm goes off will be 8:15 and then I really have to wake up because I have to leave at 8:20 for work. And then at 8:09 when my bladder got the best of me, I remembered that I had more time. I'm that tired and awful-feeling. I forgot how time worked.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Things I've Learned in 2011

(About myself)

1. I thought I had a very good knowledge of the music out there (not current pop, cause that pretty much sucks), but after spending a good deal of time in the bars, there is soooo much I never knew existed. And some is actually good. (Kings of Leon for example.)

2. I am so truly, madly, deeply in love (Savage Garden anyone?) that it sort of disgusts me. Especially since I can't tell people about it. Especially since I'm so afraid of judgment and alienation that I don't want to tell that person. *I really hate Valentine's Day, and no this is not because I have always been single. I honestly have always thought of it as a consumeristic thing. And even as a child, I wondered why you needed a special day to tell someone you love them. Regardless, this year, I really wish he was the kind of person who would, at the least, say the phrase "Happy Valentine's Day." A part of me thinks "There is still time," while the other 98% thinks "It's not going to happen. Just accept it."

3. I really like my job. The only problem is, I can not admit it. Much like being in love. Because everyone around me (including my bosses!) keeps telling me that I'm too smart to be working there. That I should find something in my "field" and move out of this go-nowhere town. I'm still confused as to what my "field" is. Yes, I have a degree in biology & psychology. But that doesn't mean it's my field. I have practically no experience in either outside of school. And really, what's wrong with spending my life doing planograms and organizing shelves? I LOVE planograms. I just...I don't know how to say, "Please stop telling me that I have to use my degrees to be happy. I am happy for now. I just need a little bit more money in my paycheck so I can live."

4. I get way way way too into sports. Seriously doesn't matter who is playing. As long as it isn't basketball. Yawn. Or hockey. Bleh.

5. I was watching a Golf Tournament the other day and it made me miss my grandpa. I don't know why. The only things I remember about him were that he watched golf and yelled at us all the time for being: too loud, too fast, or too annoying. This was accentuated by his wife being in the hospital...since the last time he was in, he died. But I learned that even though I don't know how to explain why or say it, I do love my family a lot. My cousin asked why do you love grandma, and the only thing I could come up with was "I just do."

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Multicolored Popcorn

Dreaming this morning that I was at Melissa's house with at least her, Mike from work, and Nikki (her sister). We were being really loud and I knew her mom was going to come yell at us, so I slipped into the bed to make it look like I was sleeping. Melissa decided to pour a giant bowl of popcorn onto my breasts because of their shelf-like qualities. I began to eat. Her mom came in twice in this time to tell us to be quiet. On the second time, Melissa gave her a little bowl of purple popcorn and as her mother was chewing she made a strange face. The face you make when something is sour.

Her mom left and I asked what that was about. Melissa told me that once you get past the white, normal popcorn, you get to the flavored popcorns. And no, not caramel or cheese. But fruits. The purple one was sour grape, the green ones were apple, and the pink ones were strawberry. I made it through the purple & green, and I think one more color (but I have no idea what it was, maybe yellow/lemon?) when there is a commotion in the other room. So I leave Melissa's room, with pink popcorn in hand, and go out to the rest of the house, where a massive frat-party-in-the-movies is going on. You know the kind: people making out on staircases, red cups of beer everywhere, people having sex on tables, everyone dancing/grinding on every surface to really awful music in the almost pitch black....Anyway, someone bumps me and I'm automatically in Melissa's bedroom again only sans popcorn.

I get upset, start being loud. Her mom is like "Ok, really. This is your last warning." And then I woke up.

My 600th Post!

*600th post!*

I was going to post a dream. But that doesn't seem good enough for my 600th anything. I'll edit this later with awesomeness.

*****Here's your edit.

Both of my grandmas are either dying or in surgery. At the same time. Happy 600th post.

Monday, February 07, 2011


It's been awhile. I should tell you guys about my life. Instead, I took this meaningless quiz.

He should've never said anything negative, regardless of ignorance, about Germany.

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

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