Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Another Day, Another Nightmare!

Ok, so this kind of tells me a lot about my waking life. So, so much about me.

It starts out that I'm doing truck at work. (For those of you lucky enough to avoid retail, it means I was putting things away that came in on our delivery.) And, as I do in real life, I had sorted everything, and while I was away on break, someone came and mixed all my organization together. (This also usually occurs in real life...) And then one employee (who doesn't work there in real life) took some of the things and just kinda...dumped all the shit into aisles and my boss, we'll call her DL (short for Dragon Lady, duh) blamed me for it so I went into the side stock room so I could cry. From behind me Melissa & Dawn are like, "Um, is she okay? I think she's going to start crying?" And I gave them a thumbs up, went into the room, and lay in the fetal position in the corner.

The store was really busy, but Dawn came in and tried to say something to me, but DL came in and was like "Get back out there and help people" so she said "I'll be right back, promise," and I pretended to be looking for something. Then I became very cold and tried to curl up so I would be warmer. At this point, two more employees (names withheld to protect the evil, but both female) came in and started fighting about something. They lay down, spooning, in the other corner on some pillows, so I crawled over and tried to keep warm because I was SO cold. And one of them started...for lack of a better word, molesting me. And I couldn't get her to stop no matter what I did and she just kept violating me until I crawled back in the other corner and Dawn came back, so the other two left.

I don't remember what she said, or if she said anything, but I know whatever she did, gave me enough strength to go back to the rest of the store. I found my cart of truck to be nearly empty, so I tried to move it out of the way so no one would trip. This sounds stupid, but so are people, and apparently they really do trip over these things...On my way to do so, I had to stop so another coworker could get through, and because I stopped, a male customer came up and asked me for help. He asked me for something, which was way in the back and he followed me to the back of the store, and I tried to get him to not come into the back room with me, but he came through the doors with me anyway. I tried to get him to only walk next to me so he wouldn't do anything strange, and we were making jokes about stuff. Finally, I got to storage room 21 (btw, there are no storage rooms in my work place...wtf). He followed me in, pushed me into a bathroom and tied me to the toilet. Apparently he knocked me out.

When I awoke (in the dream), Dawn was untying me and the doctor was going over all my injuries sustained from the numerous times I was raped. Like a broken piece of my spine, and some head injuries and I think my hand was broken. Dawn told me that the DL wouldn't let anyone look for me because she thought I was just really busy helping customers and everyone else should make that their main focus. Then we were driving to the hospital and one of them handed me a book that was called something stupid like "Mercedes is Goods." And I realized that it was a novel about some girl who gets kidnapped at work and beaten and raped and that it was me. But even while sitting in the cop car, I can't tell if the book was written about me, like, he wrote it after he did all those things, and the ending was being written as the cops drove me away...or if he had read the book and then did all those things to me because of it.

And for some reason, I knew this...apparently the trauma made Mercedes regress and she couldn't really use correct grammar or speak like an adult anymore. Hence the title of the book.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

My Dreams Are Getting Weird Again!

I wrote out the story of the painting. And then thought about it. And I don't want anyone to get in trouble or anything, so I decided against posting it. We all know what happens when bosses and stuff find out things...ya' get fired.

So instead I will leave you with a dream. Last night I dreamt that I found a pink & black zebra striped belt and wore it. The end.

Well, ok. It wasn't the end. After I put it on, I was magically at work and we were super busy but I was not on the clock and Mallory was not on the clock, so neither of us wanted to help, but they put me on a register and this black woman comes up and says, "I need to speak to you about the fact that they wouldn't hire me here."
"Um, that's not really for me to deal with..."
"They told me my face would ruin business."
"Yeah...uh...Dawn!"
(Dawn is not Hawaiian. Just so we're all clear on this before we continue.)
She came over to the service desk and the black lady's boyfriend picked her up and carried her outside to the parking lot. Where a giant crowd of black people surrounded her. He backed up with his arms open wide as if saying "Come on. Let's fight!"
By the time I got through the crowd so I could hear what was going on, and potentially jump in front of any bullets for her, the man was yelling.
"What? You think that you guys are too good for us? You think just because you're Hawaiian, that you have more rights than us? Why don't you hire black people?"

That is the end.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Weird Things That Irritate Me

Or as I like to call them "Pains in my ass"

1. That defectively folded tissue on the top of the box that won't come out until you fucking rip it into little pieces.

2. Coworkers who think they are "doing me a solid" by doing something, but really, they are just FUCKING WITH THINGS that I had organized into a specific way so I can deal with them in a timely manner the next day.

3. Blackberry. The phone not fruit. There is this GD registration message that I get no less than 20 times a day. And every forum I read about it, says that it's just because Blackberries are awful and there is nothing you can do about it. ANNNND I happen to agree. Ever since the upgrade to OS 6, my phone works worse than before (if you can believe it...). The only way to get the notification envelope symbol thing off your phone is to read EACH AND EVERY ONE individually.

4. The band-aids in the First Aid kit at work are all one string, that you have to rip apart if you want one. Here's the thing. If I am bleeding profusely from my finger (just an example...in no way am I referencing my Tuesday night) and trying to hold a tissue around it so I don't drip onto every surface, how do they expect me to get one apart? Here, I'll tell you. You grab one and flail until it rips apart.

5. People who brag about having their Christmas shopping done. BTW, in case you didn't know. It's September fucking 24th...(coughmomcough)

6. MRIs. And then having to work afterwards.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Doctor Update!

Speaking of that doctor visit...

The doctor thinks I have a brain tumor.

Have a nice fucking day.
You know what would be really fucking awesome? If I could sleep. It's 1:27 am and I CAN NOT SLEEP. AFTER A TEN HOUR SHIFT. GAWD.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Gross & Grosser

So, a few updates.

In August, I had to face 2/3 of my tangible fears. (One is basically brinking on phobia...) and then a few days later there was almost the third. Normally, I would post pictures and make this post look all fancy and shit, but...considering looking at the one throws me into fits of crying and panic, I'll go ahead and skip over numero uno (which is the evil fucking spawn of flies in creepy crawly form. aka maggots). A friend must have left food in my car, because I do not, during the month of hell most people called July. I mean, 27 days of 90+ degrees, and a tomato on my car floor, 3/4 windows up all the time...Paradise for some horny little flies. Turns them on about as much as the thought of being pushed up against a tree during a light spring rain does for me. Long story short, I was at a friend's house, saw them moving on my passenger side floor, drove to work in a panic smooshed up against the door, hoping I would crash in a fiery death before they could crawl towards me. I put plastic bags on both hands and put the pile of evil little spawn inside another bag and rushed it to the garbage can outside work.

Numero dos = bears. Yeah, the picture shows an adorable little baby. You want to pick him up, cuddle a little. Maybe play a bit of fetch. Sleep next to each other, take him for walks. Love him.

Try driving down the street when the larger variety runs out in front of you and you turn into a babbling pile of "what is car? how drive? what the FUCK just happened??? bear dog?" Yes. Turns out, Stef forgets basic motor skills when a 500 pound bear darts out from behind some trees and goes nonchalantly into some person's yard.

Number three: Like, I get that weather is all unpredictable and shit...but tornadoes should warn people...at least enough warning that I can kill myself before they destroy everything that I love. You know, like...my family, Puppy, photo albums, etc. A house can be rebuilt. Puppy is irreplaceable. And with my job, I'd probably be asked to come in to work the next day anyway, regardless of the fact that my uniform will be in a tree 10 miles away.

End fears.

I'm eating taco meat, and that's all that's new. My life is that exciting. You read that correctly. I am not eating tacos...I am eating taco meat and shredded cheese all mixed together. Ugh, I wish I could just do something ridiculous. Like, go out of town for a few days (or hours). Maybe be allowed to have a day off? I'm going to a doctor on Wednesday. It should be fun, with my list of ailments. "Hey doc, which do you feel like is the most pressing issue right now? I mean, we should probably start with the suicidal periods I have or maybe the face-goes-numb-when-I-move-certain-ways thing. THANKS!"

Sunday, August 14, 2011

frustrated

I would post, but you'll just get upset with what I have to say. Or you'll turn therapist on me. And that's not what I want.

Bottled up anger, frustration, sadness, anger, etc!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

New Reality Show!

Dream Time!!

I was starting a Reality Show called. DRUMROLLLLLLLL
Hare vs. Heir.

Plot - famous people's children must live on a rabbit breeding farm for a pre-set length of time and do meaningless and overly dramatic tasks in order to keep their inheritance. Each heir would have a different length and different tasks.

Take note. 7/31/11 Stef copyrights that shit.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

For Rae

Updates!

Work: same
Family: same
Sex life: same
Friends: same shit, different people
Health: same
Money: still poor
Writing: NaNo '11 is going to be awful

Anything else? Nope, that pretty much covers it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Strange.

Today my dad said he met a teacher from my elementary school and said he didn't think I had ever had him. I said, "Hmm, was it Mr. Wentworth?"
"Was it? YES! That's him..."

I haven't been at that school since 1997(ish?) and I never had that teacher. Why did I know who he was talking about?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

June 28: State of Life

Wow, it's been 14 days since I last posted. I feel like I am letting people down. I know I'm not, but. Anyway.

  • I was complimented at work by a customer because of how helpful I was. This has hardly ever been the case...I'm usually not helpful. Especially when most of the people I have to help are seemingly on the verge of complete idiocy. But this guy complimented me on the phone, and then later when he came in. And then he told my boss how great I am. It was just all-around uplifting. Especially since I am overwhelmed with shit to do there, and I am in a personal life state of "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE," thus I could care less if people get the right labels or pen.
  • I would really appreciate it if people learned the difference between "envelope" and "folder" because they are, in fact, different things. And I cannot read your mind when you say "I need a manilla folder" and I take you do the folders and you say, "NO! The ones you mail!" angrily at me. Because those are called envelopes. Rocket Science.
  • How is June over in like 3 days? Like, seriously it was JUST March. And now it's July...the year is half over, and I feel like time is moving way too quickly. I have done nothing that I wanted to do this year. I don't know that I have a list, but hypothetically I would have done something with my life this year.
  • Guilty pleasure admittance time: Taylor Swift. I just downloaded her entire discography. I don't force this onto other people, and seriously only listen to it when I'm alone. But seriously, I blame work for this. Because she plays ALL THE TIME. Like, every 3rd or 4th song is TSwift. I actually got caught by some customers bobbing my head to one of them. And it's not even one of my favorites. I hate most of the music that plays on the radio these days, so I find it strange, that not only do I know ALL OF THEM, but I also sometimes find one that I like.
  • It's almost time for a new novel. I don't know what in God's name I will write about. Because both my other novels are the same. (Pause: I lost the flash drive with my Word files...sad. Unpause. Or, Play, I guess). Same in the sense that I project all over the main character and make a secondary main character be the person I have always wanted in my life. I should write one about the place I work. Under a pseudonym, obvi.
  • Odd honesty moment time: When something happened to a friend of mine, I kind of broke down in the car one day and like...prayed. I don't do this often, because of my past and other personal reasons which would take up way too much space on the internet. But I don't know if it worked, cause I'm still hazy on the whole God thing (please, seriously don't try to sway me one way or the other...that would be part of the past/personal reasons...) or if things just got better because that's how life works. And things keep happening to this friend, and I keep doing it.
In summary, life is a mystery. I would like to figure it out, but then what would be the point anymore?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I have been unintentionally inspired to be anorexic. It's great, really. It is no fault of that person, especially since I was warned. But I was going to eat dinner, and now there is no way that will happen. Wonderful.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Jesus Christ, calm the fuck down. Apparently I can't even blow off steam on my blog anymore. Especially when this is the only way that I can actually say something, when every time I do it in real life, I get ignored.

I can't even use the term "you" anymore when I don't know who did it, because apparently people take offense to that.

I don't. Fucking. Care. Anymore.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A list!

Edit: You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I am currently engaging in the most ghetto-rigged attempt at comfort...my leg keeps not working though, and falling off the box I'm trying to use as a foot rest/elevator. And now I think I'm getting frostbite from the ice pack on my spine because my butt keeps going numb. As well as my face.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

There is more to life than weighing 100 lbs and being rich. You need to fix your priorities.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Here's The Problem

Here's the problem: "receive"

Why it is a problem: the spelling makes no sense to me, thus I spell it wrong every single time I spell it out

Why: Because in German, you would pronounce the second vowel. (For example, Leid (sorrow) is pronounced like "she lyed the garden to make it white" and Lied (song) is pronounced "They lead the country in stupidity." and seeing as how i started out learning two languages after escaping the womb, I simply cannot figure out that the 'e' comes first in receive.

(I realize, that English is full of things that counter my reasoning...like, lied, which clearly knocks it out of the park...but this is literally the reason I can't spell that freaking word.)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Wishlist

Things I Wish I Could Do
  1. play guitar, but only specific songs, not the overall ability
  2. fly
  3. have a personal servant who would shop for me
  4. become sober regardless of level of drunk in an instant
  5. finish books/tv series
  6. finish crocheted things faster
In reference to #5, I don't like to know how things end if I like them, because I'm always afraid that it will make me no longer like them. For example, Roseanne got really shitty near the end. I really didn't like the end of Sphere and thus, watching the last two seasons of Gilmore Girls, and the rest of Dexter may ruin everything for me.

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Now playing: Wir Sind Helden - Ein Elefant Für Dich
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

With the exception of me being out of town for Ke$ha, I have been at my place of business every day for the last 17 days straight. Sometimes working off the clock...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

And Dreaming About Druglords

I don't think I've ever met Dawn's ex-husband Jerry. I've heard stories about him and saw him in passing at work once. The story you're about to hear is NOT one of the stories I've heard about him. I hope no one stumbles upon this and thinks that Dawn is starting rumors about him. It was simply a dream. (It gets graphic near the end...sexually graphic. And has potential for NSFW.)

I went over to Dawn's because we were going to some event...no idea, she was all dressed up and Jerry was there so I'm guessing it was for her son. Anyway, there were two other people there with us, don't know who they were, one might have been Melissa. Who they are makes no difference.

Right before heading out, we hid in Dawn's room from her son and passed around a joint. A few minutes later, after we let the smoke escape...then I went out to the living room and packed my stuff up (apparently I had spent the night) and as Jerry was packing the stuff into a car, Dawn went in some back room with me and one of the other random people to fix her shoe. We looked out the window and there were policemen in the garden. Dawn started freaking out about her carrots, as they trampled through and then started pulling up marijuana plants.

Dawn: Oh my god, I had no idea he was growing pot in my garden!
Me: I have no money for bail. We can't get arrested!
Dawn: Slip some money into your cleavage, you'll be fine.

They came up to the front door and waltzed right in and started interrogating us. They asked for my ID because I was the one who looked "the age of a pot grower." The dude tore it apart because he thought my town name was fake. Jerry was taken outside by another cop. Her son was taken to the police car. The random maybe Melissa girl went with her son. Leaving Dawn, me, and random guy in this room with one cop. Who looked us over and then said, "You two ladies can skip part one...You, however, boy, will get the worst spanking ever received by an individual."

Dearest Blog Readers, I apologize for what follows. You can skip the italics.

I raised my hand and said, "Um, if you don't mind, I'll go ahead and take that one for the team..."
Cop: Wait, seriously?
Me: Yeah.
Dawn: Stef, really?
Cop: Well then, get you skirt up and get over my knee.

So, I did. And I felt awkward only because Dawn was watching. He was putting his all into it, but it didn't hurt me at all, thus I wasn't making any sort of protest and it was pissing him off, so he just started using random objects to spank me. I finally just told him that he's not doing much but turning me on...and I'd really appreciate it if he would just finally cause some sort of pain. Finally, he was like "You want pain??? I'll give you pain!"

He flipped me over and whipped out his giant penis. And I'm not talking like "Oh, your penis is so big!" I mean like, when he hovered over me, it reached from the point of entry up to my head. Which is like, 2.5 feet or so. But then we had sex for awhile. Until finally he couldn't do much more. I mean, he did have a huge penis and we couldn't even touch our bodies...

So then we're done and he gets up to leave, telling us that we are all off the hook, but that Jerry guy is about to get his ass arrested. We go outside to see everything and this creeper guy comes out of a trailer with a giant fan-gun. (a gun that shoots things and then blows it out. such as glitter or...in this case, pot) It starts shooting pot chunks at all the cops and we are eventually all covered in mass amounts of pot.

The end.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Dreaming About Bears Again

I'm telling ya, if Tim Kasser ever needs a case study for nightmares, he needs to look no further than me.

I don't get it. I always dream about bears and they are always angry - usually trying to break into whatever type of building I'm in. Last night was no different.

I was on a camping trip with some friends (I have no idea who these people were, seriously...) and I don't know what happened, but there was a toad stuck in a box on the shelf, so I let it out. And when I moved the box, there was also a bear cub trapped back there. Well, he crawled out and after some serious oohing and awwing about how adorable he was, we let him out and he frolicked back into the woods. Cut to a few minutes later when an angry ibex jumps through the window and starts ramming everything and everyone he can find. Personally, I hid on the top of the clock because everyone knows, ibexes are bad at climbing...(what?) It finally got its horns stuck in the couch and they ripped out and then I guess it gave up cause it left.

We thought the excitement was over, but alas...my dreams are never as such. A very large angry bear comes at us, and unlike the rude ibex, uses the door instead of the window. We reason with her, insisting that we no longer have her baby and that she must seriously consider going into the woods to find him. She agrees and after breaking several doors, runs off looking for baby. Meanwhile, another angry bear has made its way into our dwelling. While one of my roommates is doing whatever in his room, the bear tries to break down his door. A fight/argument ensues and the bear ends up falling down the flight of stairs we magically now have and lies dead at the foot of them.

At this point, we are like "screw this noise" and start packing up our stuff. Two of the people camping with us, Julie & girl2, have disappeared. We assume they were eaten by one of the bears. (We assumed they were eaten. Not ran away from the ridiculous animal attacks, but eaten...) Anyway, Bear1 returns as one guy is packing. I'm holding the door shut while the bear screams at us about how we lied and stole her son and, "How would YOU feel if I took your precious two month old baby and threw him into the woods to fend for himself???" I finally grabbed this monstrosity of a black bear and threw her down the stairs as well. Well, during our scuttle, we went up another flight, and so she actually fell down two sets and we both look over her as blood pours out from her head.

This is when I realize I have been watching a movie, starring me. Like, a voice over starts and shows some policemen investigating the murder of two bears and an ibex, while me and this guy hop on a train to Yellowstone...which is where we'll pick up some unsuspecting travelers...And our cover story is that Julie & girl2 disappeared one night and so we left early and we have no idea how all the bodies ended up in the cabin...If they ever catch us.

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Now playing: Carrie Underwood - Just A Dream
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Rambling In April

My head has been throbbing since 8 am...it is now noon thirty. I keep falling back asleep and hoping that the next time I wake up, it won't hurt anymore. Four times now...no luck. I'm probably dehydrated on top of everything else that is wrong with me. I feel like I have a fever but I don't want to get out of bed to get my thermometer.

I had strange dreams last night. I had to walk from work to my elementary school while pushing two shopping carts because my car was in another town and they needed their stuff for the opening football game (in the carts). On the way there, Dawn called me to tell me that a doctor came in to work and told them that I had helped with a desk and he didn't want to work with anyone else but me. There was more but it only makes sense if you work with me...involving pallet jacks & Kathy.

In another dream, Christopher was trying to bring me back from a Pittsburgh visit. The world started flooding and we couldn't figure out how to get to my house without having to drive through mass amounts of water.

Another dream: All I remember is that Dawn & I were doing something together. And I felt uncomfortable. Which pretty much sums up everything in my waking life with her. Which doesn't make any sense.

Last night at the bar, someone asked if I was a lesbian while I was blatantly hitting on two men. And it's all because I said something, which could be construed as a sexual comment. "Don't make me undo your pants." Which, granted, out of context does sound like I'm going to take off her pants and ravage her or something. However, I had sewn someone's pants earlier that day and I was threatening to undo it. I'm not a lesbian and have nothing against them, but seriously...I get asked this way too often and it pisses me off.

Got my nails done and my fingers hurt a little bit. I want to ask them to trim them, but I think I'm afraid to go back. I might get too interested in The Young & The Restless again. I need to know if the baby really was sold. (Dude, it totally was sold to one of the cops investigating the disappearance of the baby's mother.)

Considered doing laundry, but as we have no dryer and it has been raining for 100 days, I wouldn't have anywhere to hang them up to dry. So I'll be doing that during Nascar Sunday like I used to.

I have a ridiculous urge to go through my room and throw everything away. It kinda scares me, but I also want to just simplify everything. I might do that if this headache ever dissipates. Because really, getting out of bed right now makes me feel more physically ill than I already feel.

How sad is it, that I saw the date and tried to figure out what was happening on that date...and then I realized that it was because I was checking for expired tags at work and most of them expire today?
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Now playing: Timbaland ft. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake - Give It To Me
via FoxyTunes

Monday, April 11, 2011

Ke$ha!!!

I always felt like one exclamation point didn't get my point across, two looked like a typo, but three was the perfect amount to express my happiness.

Anyway, totally decided that I didn't want to blow off my plans for this last weekend because even though I knew something would go (horribly) wrong, there had to be some speck of fun. And I was right on both accounts. (See, that wasn't pessimism...just me being real.)

Aside from the roughly 85 degree weather, and the roughly 100 degrees in the audience and getting hit in the head by a shoe when the c-word next to me threw it, it was pretty fun. And my camera has amazing zooming abilities. For awhile, I had the perfect view of her, but there were some tall guys in front of us that kept moving.

It was a pretty short show, but we didn't expect it to be too long or amazing, considering it was free. But hey, she sang Blow, and that's really all I needed to hear to make my life complete. At some points it seemed like we were watching Ke$ha Porn: The Musical, simply because the crotch shots were getting a little much.
Anyway, it was fun, and my breasts are only slightly sunburnt. End of review.

The part where shit went (horribly) wrong will be left out intentionally. Sorry, it just doesn't involve me, really, so not going on my blog.

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Now playing: Ke$ha - Take It Off
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, April 03, 2011

FUCK APRIL AND FUCK 2011

Things that are wrong in my life right now:
  • certain friends
  • certain coworkers
  • certain people who may or may not be in both categories listed above
  • my period
  • my mini-tumor on my leg
  • beer
  • i'm currently sober
  • i lost something i need right now
  • certain people i used to have sex with
  • my left foot keeps falling asleep
  • my intelligence is dropping
  • i'm sabotaging everything good in my life
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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Fear
via FoxyTunes

Monday, March 28, 2011

Moral: Bored & Unhappy

I keep opening different folders on my computer. And new tabs in Firefox. But I can't come up with anything to do. I look at all the games I could be playing and all the things I could be reading and even all the pictures I could be looking at and I get bored .2 seconds into it.

Then I think about all the things I want to be doing and wonder why I'm not even though it's incredibly obvious why I'm not doing those things: drinking heavily, snorting cocaine (although I've never done this, so I don't know if I really want to but it sounds fun), punching walls, crying into a pillow, crying in a corner, crying in my car, ramming my car into a tree repeatedly, watching movies about people who lose loved ones, cutting my eyeballs slowly with razors, acquiring an addiction to something like soft-core porn or cutting, watching music videos about suicide, or anything equally as depressing as all the aforementioned things.

What I really want to be doing is talking to someone. Not anyone, but a specific someone. But I can't because I would feel guilty and shitty about it. So I'll wait for her to come to me and tell me that it's ok to talk. It's like an airplane landing; you have to wait for the go ahead. That's all I'm waiting for...

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Now playing: The Postal Service - Sleeping In
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Another Nightmare

I just woke up, breathing heavily, because I had ANOTHER nightmare this week.

I had moved into a house with Mandy and some kitties and we were about to take a little nap upstairs in the bed together, when I heard the mailman. So I went downstairs to get it, and while the door was open, I could hear the neighbor beating his wife. He came out of the house and we made eye contact so I panicked and quickly shut the door. I locked it, the screen door, and then the door to get up the stairs. I ran back upstairs and told Mandy, but she was almost asleep and sort of ignored me.

The TV was on in the background and it was some show about a family of fishermen, who were expecting a new baby and the other kids were all on edge. The doorbell rang once, and I told her to ignore it because it was probably the wife beater. Anyway, I finally fell asleep but I was awakened by a strange noise. I tried to wake Mandy, but she didn't hear it, so we both went back to sleep. And the kitties were just hanging out, sleeping with us on the bed. And then I heard a creak, woke up, and the wife beater was standing over me with a knife. And before I could scream, he slammed the knife down into me. That's when I woke up.

I remember that our house was a minty green. Very distinctly. And he was wearing a leather jacket and had red hair.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I Think Too Much

I drove to my elementary school and sat in the parking lot. As the tears rolled down my cheeks I remembered the old days, when the only things you had to worry about were catching cooties from the boys and who you would end up marrying in the game of MASH. I thought about the day my principal jumped off the swing-set and broke his arm, the day I won the hula hoop contest, the straight As, my Beauty & The Beast book-bag, the hour long bus rides...The list goes on; with every new memory comes at least two more.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

no title necessary

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
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Friday, March 11, 2011

Remember that time I had to make a list of all the shit that was wrong in my life, stressing me to no end? It was last month, granted, but I keep thinking about it.

I'll start with #11: I have so many medical issues that I can't afford to take care of.

*I have this strange little lump on my leg that I have had for quite some time now, and until recently it was completely fine and unobtrusive in my life. The other day, it was itching quite annoyingly, so I itched it. It started bleeding. A lot. Like, four tissues worth of blood poured out of my leg. Since then, I have had to keep it covered with a band-aid, and this keeps catching on my pants. It then peels off the layer of clotting and then it bleeds some more. It's purple and gross and itchy and I think it may be some sort of blood clot or tumor.
*I have a strange skin rash on my chest and no matter how many times I get it to go away, it comes back. It itches and is very red and very bothersome.
*Sometimes I have my period twice a month. Sometimes it skips 2 or 3...I don't think this needs anymore explanation.
*I am so incredibly depressed and everyone keeps making jokes about it when I mention it. I don't know how to make people understand that I'm not joking. Ugh.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Delta Dawn, What's That Flower You Have On?

I opened up to someone today and it freaked me out. She just said "What's wrong?" and I said, "I hate my life." At first I think she thought I was joking. But I assume the look I gave her when she laughed it off made her realize that I was not joking. She was trying to get me to explain, and I didn't really want to, so when she got called away to do something else I was happy. Then she came back, smiling and said "You know I'm just gonna keep asking you questions, right?" I was both relieved and scared. She tried to tell me how to start fixing my life. Now I'm just worried that she'll tell someone. She doesn't strike me as the kind of person who would, but still that kind of fear lingers.

I don't want to get hurt. Please don't hurt me secret friend.

PS: I wish I could sleep. For more than like 3 hours. It would be great. Or maybe I could be hungry. I made tacos, but I only ate 2 because I felt like if I didn't eat anything today except 2 sour patch kids, I would get sick.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Part Two: The List

So blog, are you sure you're ready for this?
Yes.
Positive? Sometimes I can be a little much.
Stef, really, just tell me what's wrong.
Ugh, it's just hard to get out.
You have to get it out...You'll feel better.
I know. But it's crazy.
You aren't crazy.
Fudge. Are you positive you can handle it?
Bring. It. On.

So, while I am probably insane for holding a conversation with my blog, I'm going to go ahead and just spill my guts out. I still have 14 hours before I have to leave for work, why not have a complete anonymous breakdown with the internet.

Well I'll start with a short list of what's wrong right now and then details shall follow. How does that sound? Just great. Get it all out.

1. My family doesn't really know the real me and I'm afraid if they knew, I would get treated differently. 2. I'm in love with someone who I'm starting to think I shouldn't be in love with. 3. Even with this realization I want no one but him. 4. I hate everything about my appearance except my freckles. 5. I like my job, but everyone tells me that I should hate it. 6. I wasted five years of my life studying something I only marginally cared about because I thought it would give me some sort of satisfaction with life. I was wrong. 7. I am terrified of dying and being dead, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about how to end it all. 8. I want to ease my psychological pain with whiskey. 9. I have been having panic attacks lately about really gruesome things that are very unlikely. 10. My mother has been driving me crazy. 11. I have so many medical issues that I can't afford to take care of. 12. I have become emotionally attached to someone that I'm afraid will hurt me. 13. All of my friends are in relationships except me and it makes me feel like a huge fat loser.

Pause, I thought you said short list?
Oh, sorry. They keep popping up. Should I stop?
No no, it's just making me very worried.
Yeah, me too. But my mind is racing with horrible thoughts.
Sadness. Un-pause.

14. My eyelashes are falling out from stress. 15. I want to work all the time to escape my loneliness. 16. I don't have any motivation to clean; I look at my full garbage can and balance my next piece of garbage on the top. 17. I feel guilty about things that I have no control over. 18. Number 12 is really getting to me especially due to recent events.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Part One: The Convo

Oh hey blog, what's up?
Nothing.
I know cause I own you.
Oh really?
Yes, now get something up.
That's what she said.
Hey now blog, that's immature.
Shut up.
Don't talk to me like that, I could delete you.
You wouldn't dare.
Watch me.
It's that tumblr isn't it? You're cheating on me!
We're just friends, I hardly ever use it.
Liar...
But really, blog, I've missed you.
Oh, is something wrong?
Yes, my life is a black pit of despair.
...
Blog, what's wrong? You're quiet.
I'm sorry. Let me be your shoulder. Cry on me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Take this Poll!

Should I get an iPod touch?
Yes!
No!
Yes, because the pros outweigh the cons.
No, because it is too much money.
Angry Birds... 'nuff said
No: when would it be used?
pollcode.com free polls

Friday, February 18, 2011

Insert Something Witty and/or Clever Here

Is this week from hell over yet? Roughly 6 hours...

I didn't know it was possible to feel so much like shit so early in the day. And on such a nice day out. And by nice, I mean it's not snowing and isn't scheduled to. And there's hope for me to see my wonderful K again this weekend. Small hope, but hope nonetheless.

That is a strange word 'nonetheless.' It takes compound words to a whole new level. The double compound. Mightaswell just start doing it with other commonly used together words.

I forgot that 8:10 existed in the world. Because it was 8:05 and I thought, the next time my 5-minute snooze alarm goes off will be 8:15 and then I really have to wake up because I have to leave at 8:20 for work. And then at 8:09 when my bladder got the best of me, I remembered that I had more time. I'm that tired and awful-feeling. I forgot how time worked.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Things I've Learned in 2011

(About myself)

1. I thought I had a very good knowledge of the music out there (not current pop, cause that pretty much sucks), but after spending a good deal of time in the bars, there is soooo much I never knew existed. And some is actually good. (Kings of Leon for example.)

2. I am so truly, madly, deeply in love (Savage Garden anyone?) that it sort of disgusts me. Especially since I can't tell people about it. Especially since I'm so afraid of judgment and alienation that I don't want to tell that person. *I really hate Valentine's Day, and no this is not because I have always been single. I honestly have always thought of it as a consumeristic thing. And even as a child, I wondered why you needed a special day to tell someone you love them. Regardless, this year, I really wish he was the kind of person who would, at the least, say the phrase "Happy Valentine's Day." A part of me thinks "There is still time," while the other 98% thinks "It's not going to happen. Just accept it."

3. I really like my job. The only problem is, I can not admit it. Much like being in love. Because everyone around me (including my bosses!) keeps telling me that I'm too smart to be working there. That I should find something in my "field" and move out of this go-nowhere town. I'm still confused as to what my "field" is. Yes, I have a degree in biology & psychology. But that doesn't mean it's my field. I have practically no experience in either outside of school. And really, what's wrong with spending my life doing planograms and organizing shelves? I LOVE planograms. I just...I don't know how to say, "Please stop telling me that I have to use my degrees to be happy. I am happy for now. I just need a little bit more money in my paycheck so I can live."

4. I get way way way too into sports. Seriously doesn't matter who is playing. As long as it isn't basketball. Yawn. Or hockey. Bleh.

5. I was watching a Golf Tournament the other day and it made me miss my grandpa. I don't know why. The only things I remember about him were that he watched golf and yelled at us all the time for being: too loud, too fast, or too annoying. This was accentuated by his wife being in the hospital...since the last time he was in, he died. But I learned that even though I don't know how to explain why or say it, I do love my family a lot. My cousin asked why do you love grandma, and the only thing I could come up with was "I just do."

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Multicolored Popcorn

Dreaming this morning that I was at Melissa's house with at least her, Mike from work, and Nikki (her sister). We were being really loud and I knew her mom was going to come yell at us, so I slipped into the bed to make it look like I was sleeping. Melissa decided to pour a giant bowl of popcorn onto my breasts because of their shelf-like qualities. I began to eat. Her mom came in twice in this time to tell us to be quiet. On the second time, Melissa gave her a little bowl of purple popcorn and as her mother was chewing she made a strange face. The face you make when something is sour.

Her mom left and I asked what that was about. Melissa told me that once you get past the white, normal popcorn, you get to the flavored popcorns. And no, not caramel or cheese. But fruits. The purple one was sour grape, the green ones were apple, and the pink ones were strawberry. I made it through the purple & green, and I think one more color (but I have no idea what it was, maybe yellow/lemon?) when there is a commotion in the other room. So I leave Melissa's room, with pink popcorn in hand, and go out to the rest of the house, where a massive frat-party-in-the-movies is going on. You know the kind: people making out on staircases, red cups of beer everywhere, people having sex on tables, everyone dancing/grinding on every surface to really awful music in the almost pitch black....Anyway, someone bumps me and I'm automatically in Melissa's bedroom again only sans popcorn.

I get upset, start being loud. Her mom is like "Ok, really. This is your last warning." And then I woke up.

My 600th Post!

*600th post!*

I was going to post a dream. But that doesn't seem good enough for my 600th anything. I'll edit this later with awesomeness.

*****Here's your edit.

Both of my grandmas are either dying or in surgery. At the same time. Happy 600th post.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Hey!

It's been awhile. I should tell you guys about my life. Instead, I took this meaningless quiz.

He should've never said anything negative, regardless of ignorance, about Germany.

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

Created by Oatmeal

Monday, January 31, 2011

Giraffes & Ginny: A Night of Dreams

Had a dream last night that I was in Staples, on break, trying to shop for me. Then I had to find a computer program for some customer, but I was on break, so I was taking my sweet time. And I ran into Ginny. And we were just kind of like, "Hey" "Hey" and then i tried to run away. But then I ran into her again and she was like "I'm buying Jaws because of you. I love it." She also had a bunch of DVDs. She talked about Tim a lot and how she wants to schedule another appointment with me but there was something about the government. Regardless, we talked awhile and then I found that program for the customers and life went on.

I also had a dream, that Melissa & I were driving back from Erie and there was a giraffe walking down the street and I yelled, "A FUCKING GIRAFFE ESCAPED FROM THE ZOO THIS IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME!" It was just walking down Peach Street. And then there was a roadblock up ahead and we had to drive past the zoo in some back-ass way to get to Meadville and there were giant puddle and we go to the giraffe pen and there are two people jumping off the rocks into a pond. One is Daniel from work, and he's like "no, it's totally fun." We're about to join in when the giraffes get escorted back to the zoo. There are two adults and two babies, and I'm about dumbstruck as they walk past me. I just reach out and pet them all and one of the babies snuggles it's head up to me. It was sort of like we were best friends and he kept following me around, letting me feed it, play with it and everything. The zoo people were like "Ok, it's time to leave!" and teh giraffe wouldnt' let me leave. And I cried because I loved it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Sharks & Trees

I had a dream last night. I know what you're thinking. "Oh no..."

It starts out with a power plant on the beach, with a forest behind it. Then it explodes and the waves from the beach keep getting bigger and bigger until they turn into tsunami sized waves. There is a lonely man swimming, trying to latch on to a tree to hold on as the fish start surrounding him. Eventually the entire power plant/forest are under water. The guy realizes that if there are fish, then there will be sharks, so he tries as hard as he can to swim to the surface. There are hundreds of fish around him, tiny ones, giant perch, all different sizes, and he keeps grabbing on to them and pushing them down to get leverage to get to the top.

Two fish start fighting and one dies and there is blood and a shark comes. Then another shark comes and the two of them swim around underneath him, following him up slowly as he eventually gets to the surface and tries to swim over to a tree to climb. He is almost there when the sharks start jumping out of the water around him, but don't actually attack him. He gets to a tree limb and tries to climb up in, but the branches are covered in tiny sharp things that cut his hands. He keeps going and finally makes it to a safe spot in the tree.

The end.

Monday, January 24, 2011

My aunt's house burnt down today.

Google auto-complete is very strange. I typed in "types of" and it auto-filled in "cancer"

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Some Updates

It's been a week. I feel like there should be some sort of update. And looking back through my January posts, I see that I actually have some.

1. I am Associate of the Month at work. I get to wear a fancy pin and everyday I pass a certificate with my name spelled incorrectly posted outside the break room.

2. I finished editing my novel. It has been "published" and shipped out to me for review. I'm pumped to receive it. It should be today.

3. It's my day off and I was going to clean. But turns out, I have to go into work to buy the things to assist in my cleaning. This makes me kind of want to die. I COULD wait to buy the stuff until tomorrow, but I need some clear storage boxes and sheet protectors to clean. So today would be a waste of time if I don't go get the stuff.

4. I have a tumblr. I don't think anyone reads it except like, 3 people, if that. But here ya go.
talkwithoutwords.tumblr.com

Thursday, January 13, 2011

In Other News

1. My mother likes to spring things on me and then play it off like I must've known since the beginning.
Exhibit A: "By the way, I spoke to your aunt today. Her breast cancer is all cleared up." "Wait, what? She has cancer?" "No. I just told you...It's cleared up. She's fine now."
Exhibit B: (a week ago) "So I just got back from my biopsy." "Wait, what? You might have cancer?" "Well, they think it's just calcium build up. But it could be cancer."

In the end, we now know she does not have cancer. So...that's good.

2. I'm on chapter 5 editing of novel. About 1/5 of the way through. Woo hoo! I hope to have the proof ordered by February.

3. Tattoos? Yes please. Although I feel a little bit of buyer's remorse over this one. I hope it goes away. I'm pretty sure I just feel guilty cause it's in the no-job zone and it makes me a little uneasy. But I like it. I just have second thoughts about it's placement. This is why I hate myself for being impulsive. This is the worst picture though. In fairness, it was taken with a cell phone, upside down, and twisted.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Edit

Chapter 1 of my NaNo 2010 novel has been edited!

I will try to do Chapter 2 & 3 tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I came home to an empty house. All the lights were off except the hall light. There is a newspaper on the stove and sausage on the counter. No missed calls and no messages on the answering machine. This implies that someone was here recently, because the phone always ALWAYS has a missed call on it. I am thoroughly confused.

Monday, January 03, 2011

I wish I could just sleep the whole day when I'm off, that way I can play catch-up and no longer be tired.

I think I'm going to go spend money in light of my recent "Out of Credit Card Debt" accomplishment. But probably not a lot. I already bought a new nose ring ($9) and a fourth of a pizza ($3).

Saturday, January 01, 2011

2010 CD

It's time for another installment of Stef's Top __ Songs of 20__. In this case it is Top 19 of 2010.

Some people have said to me, upon hearing some of these, that they are in fact not songs from the year 2010...Thank you. I am aware. They are simply my favorite songs that I either discovered, or just re-fell in love with throughout the year. It was a very country year for me (judge or judge not) but mostly because of the atmosphere in which most of my year took place. I actually struggled with this year's because there were a few artists that I could've made the CD completely them...but I did not. And in the end, I think I made the right decisions on which songs I liked the most. I am already working on 2011's version chock full of emo. Although, at this point the year already sucks ass. Moving on.

The songs are, listed in no particular order:
Custom - Hey Mister
Ani DiFranco - Educated Guess
Rise Against - Audience of One
Sugarland - Keep You
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
Carrie Underwood - Wasted
Lady Gaga & Beyonce - Telephone
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be
Milow - Ayo Technology (cover)
Paramore - Decode
Fiona Apple - Across the Universe
Metallica - Whiskey in the Jar
Lil Wayne - Bedrock
Keith Urban - 'Til Summer Comes Around
Jets to Brazil - Cat Heaven
Tegan & Sara - Hop A Plane
Ani DiFranco - The True Story of What Was
Venus Hum - Wordless May
Rihanna - Rude Boy

Those that would've made the cut had CDs been made to fit more than 80 minutes:
Rise Against - Savior
Sugarland - Stay
Sugarland - Sugarland
Carrie Underwood - Undo It