Friday, October 01, 2010

I am so not happy with my new sleeping schedule. If I am up past 11 pm, I start to feel like I'm going to collapse into a pile of goo. My "sleep in" times are 8, 9:15, 9:30 if I'm lucky. But when I wake up, I'm just completely exhausted. But I can not fall back asleep. No matter what I do.

I've been having really weird fears and panic sessions lately. Sessions sounds like a dumb word to use here, but that's really all I've got. I woke up, and was thinking about later when I am going over to see K. And he told me last night that the "neighbor" wanted to kick his ass for existing. And this "neighbor" was in the bar on Tuesday for Rick & Jack. Naturally, when I went into the parking lot and told Melissa about this fun discovery, I went into panic mode. This is what followed, in my mind. *This did not really happen.*

Melissa & Fran drive away. As I'm getting into my car "neighbor" comes over and says, "I saw you looking at my fiance. Are you some kind of dyke? You want to fuck my girl?"
Me: "No, what? I just thought I recognized her."
N: "I think you want her. You sick fuck."
He then proceeds to beat the shit out of me, while I think about how I'm going to just die. Because there is no way I would survive something like this. And I can't call K, because that would just put him in a position to get himself killed too. And no one in the bar is going to come out here. And fiancee is just going to sit and watch, because she knows that she'll just get beaten next. Since that's the kind of guy N is.

That is scene 1. Possible scene 2:
Fiancee comes up to me and asks if I am who she thinks I am. The answer is yes. She then punches me in the face. Because she is jealous of me sleeping with K and being happy because she gave him up to be with "neighbor" who is a jealous and abusive man. And she just wishes her life could be better than what she has. And I don't know how to react, except stand there and watch her yell and fall apart.

So then, this morning. I was thinking about when K is looking at my car, and how the "neighbor" would see it. And come over and flip shit. And he makes comments about my appearance and stuff, and so I run into the house and sit there on the couch crying until K finally gets a chance to come inside. But he doesn't get a chance until fiance convinces "neighbor" not to kill K. Especially since we are on K's property. But I didn't get to the part where K makes me feel better. Just me sitting on the couch with my phone trying to think of who I could call to make me less anxious.

There was another panic session, but that is not related to the other ones presented here. And deserves its own entry.

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