Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sometimes it's amazing to me, the emotions that occur when I look through a photo album. There are just so many things that can pop out from a photo that you didn't see before. For me, there are three kinds of photos.

1. The kind you remember: That tv only had three channels, sometimes four when you got lucky. That Rudolph doll was from Germany, it walked and played music and its nose lit up when you flipped a switch. The cat was really soft, but its limbs were stiff, you couldn't really bend them. The blanket on the chair was a really awful rough texture. And the chair...One time I had a dream that the floor was covered in snakes and the only way to escape them was to get on the chair, but I was too small and couldn't get on it. My dad was on it, and he kept reaching out for me but I couldn't reach his arm. I never did get saved from the snakes. I set up the camera to take that picture because I was always alone for at least an hour, sometimes two, after school and got bored.

But the worst part about seeing this photo, aside from the memories of my first house from when I was happy and part of a family that actually showed that they cared...is the foreshadowed sadness in my eyes.

2. The kind you don't remember: I know that this was taken in Germany. In my Oma's drawer. I apparently used to hang out in that drawer all the time. There are lots of pictures of me in drawers in Germany. In fact, there are lots of pictures of me in Germany that I don't remember. Age baby through 12...I have forgotten so much about Germany. I can remember everything about the cat in the above picture from how lose and how pink its nose is to how many gray stripes it had to the bent whisker that I tried to rip off. I have zero recollection of that doll. Or that kitchen. Zero.

3. The kind you don't want to remember: This may seem like a harmless photo. It's just a picture of some steel and a crane, right? Wrong. I would give anything to forget about 1997 and everything that went with this picture. I don't care if the person who took this picture were to die. I don't care if that person disappeared off the face of the planet. Literally, anything. If I could go back in time and change anything...regardless of any effect it would have on my friends, college choice, career, drug use, etc, I would change this. I would give everything I have now up, if I could go back and fix the feelings of being so alone and suicidal and unloved and all-around awful because of the person who took this picture. You can't even imagine what it's like to see this and think of the only two people you can say you honestly hate. I would've posted a picture of them, but somehow all the pictures of them disappeared in a fire I started with my lighter. The memories flood back and I get depressed all over again.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

cramp

OH MY DEAR JESUS. I just had the worst cramp I think I can ever remember. I've had them while I was sleeping with K and it took a few short seconds to relieve the pain. I've had them in my foot and my calf...but this one. MY GOD. This one was in my upper thigh. I could feel the muscle getting harder and harder as I had to drag my leg into the bathroom to find room to stretch. Because seriously, I could not even pick my leg off the floor to step over things. I wanted to die...I need a banana.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today = Strange

Today was really strange. I woke up after having really strange dreams all night. Like, sitting on the couch watching football with my mother's husband. And the other was really mundane like that one, but I don't really remember it. Then I went to work and I was just really friendly with everyone. It was sunny one minute, windier and darker than hell outside the next. My boss complimented me on getting someone to sign up for our card, when I really didn't even do anything. While I was on lunch someone came in and asked for me but didn't say who he was. I found out later, who. I really wish I could just pass out or something. I'm so exhausted.

Strange

Such strange dreams...all night long. I don't even understand these ones. No symbolism that I could pick out easily. Seemingly no rhyme or reason. I just don't get it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

grr

Where is my uniform sweater? Srsly, it is getting cold, and I want to be warm at work. I want my fuzzy red sweater.

Damn it.

Working on outlining my novel...before going in to work. For someone else. Because I'm such a great person...Yeah. Great or Stupid.

Friday, October 15, 2010

What? Double Post Friday?

So, I mentioned in an earlier post that I had a panic session not related to the drama that is my life with K. Here goes:

I'm driving to the bank (I think it was the bank, it was a very specific day...) and I'm at this intersection which has five streets. And I think back to 2005 when I was at college, but heard about some kid committing suicide near that intersection. There was a guy standing there and my immediate reaction was to panic about him.

Scenario 1: He pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head. And I'm the only one at this 5-way intersection so I have to call 911. I'm trying to dial, but all I can think about is how traumatizing it is to see someone shoot their brains out.

Scenario 2 (much worse): He pulls out the gun and puts it to his head. And so I floor it through the light, throw my car into park and rush over to try and stop him. I'm standing there telling him that there must be something he can think of to live for. He tells me that his wife and kids just died. He doesn't have a job or money and he doesn't know what to do about life. I tell him that I have often felt the same way, but then I found someone worth sticking around for; that I found someone to love. And I talk him out of it, but people drove past and saw so they called the cops. And when the cops get there they see that he isn't going to kill himself, so they ask me how I got him to not. The news people come and want to interview me, but I panic because then my family would know about my past and I didn't want that to happen. So I was just like "Um, I don't want to be recognized..."

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Now playing: Aimee Mann - Humpty Dumpty
via FoxyTunes

Yay.

Perhaps you remember the dramz from K's life as outlined here: Number 3. And perhaps you don't. Either way. I think I believe in God again. It's like...the happiest day of my life (sort of) because I saw on the front page of the paper that the aforementioned fugitive has been arrested. And HOLYWOW! this might mean that I get my friend, lover, happy K, did I mention lover?, back. Like...best news in a long time. Well, I guess a week, since my cousin won homecoming queen and she is one of the few family members I still have respect for (but that is a topic of another long and rambling post).

The only panic session I'm having about this, is that I did know where he was, and there was an anonymous tip about where he was. And I fear that I will get the blame placed on me. And while it crossed my mind countless times, I know that I would freak out from guilt and tell K that it was me and then he would hate me. It wasn't me. I couldn't do that. I would never do that. But holy cow, this is hopefully the best thing that could've happened. Forgive me, dear readers, but I may have sex again. And that is exciting.

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Now playing: Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Today is very orange.

The leaves covering my yard. The pumpkins . The sun. All the trees around my house are very orange and yellow. It's beautiful.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I do think that there is nothing more depressing than the final episode of The Golden Girls.

There is just something so touching about seeing people that love each other and such good friends having to part. Even though, it is a happy thing. One is getting married, something she would've never thought would happen...especially at the point in her life that she's at. One realizes that her real family is right where she's been.

I fall apart every time I see it. I cry when I hear him propose the second time - for real.
I cry when Sophia is sad at losing her daughter - even though I never figured out why she acts like they will never see each other again...It's her daughter. They both have phones. Also, it's Blanche's uncle...She wont' ever see her uncle again? I cry when Rose realizes that she needs to stay with them instead of living with her daughter. But mostly I cry when I hear Dorothy thank them and call them angels. Ugh, there is like, nothing I want more out of life than their friendship.
I eat pie out of a plastic box. Watch the time pass. Feel the tears flow. Wonder what will happen. Hope that things turn out okay. Watch. Feel. Wonder. Hope.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Selfish Bitches

So, what does make someone an adult? When you google it, this is what comes up: Grown Up?

The site starts out with questions that I think about all the time. To quote: "traditional adult status defined as: leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having a child, and being financially independent"

Should I be financially independent at 24? And if I should be, what did I do wrong?

I thought I was doing everything right...I went to college, and finished. After a week of being back in my home state, adjusting to the realization that I am no longer a student, I started applying for jobs. Not only degree-related jobs, but every job that I saw I could do, in the hopes to save up enough money to move on and get my own apartment. It took almost a year for me to land a job, and although I really like it and do everything right (I never call off, I will cover any shift you ask, I'm willing to learn new things, come in early, help other people, etc) it's just not paying off. I have $80 in my savings account. And there is no way I could afford to live on my own on $100/week. I don't buy frivolous things all the time. Sometimes I will buy a candy bar or a t-shirt that I don't really need. But I don't just spend money randomly. I think of myself as financially responsible for the most part.

Should I be married and/or a parent?
*If I can't even afford to support myself, there is no way that the answer to either of these is yes.

Moving on.
I think the most important aspect is being responsible, in general. If you are unemployed, then I don't think you have the right to pick & choose which jobs you will apply to. If you are using your parent(s) to support you for EVERYTHING, then I don't think you have the right to complain about anything...especially if other people in your family are paying rent. To your mother. I just don't understand how someone can not feel bad, when taking advantage of someone simply because she knows that she can. If you can't afford to continue your habits, then you shouldn't rely on someone else to support them. And if this habit happens to be smoking, but people paying rent don't smoke, then you should respect that. Mostly, I think you should fucking get responsible and stop pissing people off. Selfishness is the worst quality in a person.

And this was the most passive-aggressive paragraph I think I have ever written, and I don't care.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Hello Again

I know what you're thinking. "Stef, you used to blog all the time. What happened?"

Well, 1. deal with it. And 2. I usually only blog when something spectacularly exciting happens or I'm depressed. That first one rarely happens, and the latter was pretty intense lately. And I couldn't bring myself to let people in on this one.

If you want to know what goes on in my day-to-day world, go here: http://stefsthreesixtyfiveproject.blogspot.com/

I will be posting a dream later.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

I Miss 'Im

I miss K. But I told myself I wouldn't call him. Or try to see him until Sunday. Hopefully I can spend the night with him on Sunday. But mostly I just miss him. And I want to make out with someone. Especially him.

Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow...I just want to sleep until Sunday.

(Don't know if you'll get the reference to Clone High. "I miss 'im" is a quote from Ghandi's kidney, referring to the other kidney.)

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Happiness was not at the bottom of the last bottle of whiskey. Perhaps its at the bottom of this one? Probably not, but doesn't hurt to look. And that's what I'm going to do. Search every bottle until I find it.

Friday, October 01, 2010

I am so not happy with my new sleeping schedule. If I am up past 11 pm, I start to feel like I'm going to collapse into a pile of goo. My "sleep in" times are 8, 9:15, 9:30 if I'm lucky. But when I wake up, I'm just completely exhausted. But I can not fall back asleep. No matter what I do.

I've been having really weird fears and panic sessions lately. Sessions sounds like a dumb word to use here, but that's really all I've got. I woke up, and was thinking about later when I am going over to see K. And he told me last night that the "neighbor" wanted to kick his ass for existing. And this "neighbor" was in the bar on Tuesday for Rick & Jack. Naturally, when I went into the parking lot and told Melissa about this fun discovery, I went into panic mode. This is what followed, in my mind. *This did not really happen.*

Melissa & Fran drive away. As I'm getting into my car "neighbor" comes over and says, "I saw you looking at my fiance. Are you some kind of dyke? You want to fuck my girl?"
Me: "No, what? I just thought I recognized her."
N: "I think you want her. You sick fuck."
He then proceeds to beat the shit out of me, while I think about how I'm going to just die. Because there is no way I would survive something like this. And I can't call K, because that would just put him in a position to get himself killed too. And no one in the bar is going to come out here. And fiancee is just going to sit and watch, because she knows that she'll just get beaten next. Since that's the kind of guy N is.

That is scene 1. Possible scene 2:
Fiancee comes up to me and asks if I am who she thinks I am. The answer is yes. She then punches me in the face. Because she is jealous of me sleeping with K and being happy because she gave him up to be with "neighbor" who is a jealous and abusive man. And she just wishes her life could be better than what she has. And I don't know how to react, except stand there and watch her yell and fall apart.

So then, this morning. I was thinking about when K is looking at my car, and how the "neighbor" would see it. And come over and flip shit. And he makes comments about my appearance and stuff, and so I run into the house and sit there on the couch crying until K finally gets a chance to come inside. But he doesn't get a chance until fiance convinces "neighbor" not to kill K. Especially since we are on K's property. But I didn't get to the part where K makes me feel better. Just me sitting on the couch with my phone trying to think of who I could call to make me less anxious.

There was another panic session, but that is not related to the other ones presented here. And deserves its own entry.