Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Some Stuff

So I apparently blogged this morning at 7:54 am. I think I hit "publish" and then sped out the door to work. And you know, I didn't cry on the way in. I was looking forward to it. Go ahead, take a pause and think about that. And this, my dear reader, is what brings me to "Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries & Why I Am Becoming An Adult: The Double Feature."

  • You wanna know what was wrong with me this morning that led me to ask what was wrong with me? I had just woken up from a 15 minute nap after driving home from spending the night with someone I love, after asking him for financial help with something (something I don't normally do...ever), and not being turned down. Instead I got an apology that he couldn't help me out more. And the thing I need help with, is paying for a doctor because I think there is something wrong with me for reals this time. It is a very personal thing, and unless the results come back cancer or anything remotely as dangerous, this will be the last you hear of it. Assuming my doctor doesn't terrify me into nightmares again...But during some light physical activity he (K, not the doctor) kept asking if I was ok because I looked like I was in pain. (Side note: apparently I look the same when feeling pain and extreme pleasure.) So the combination of being scared of seeing a doctor and knowing that he cares about me led me to feel strange and wonder what was wrong.
  • Nice transition into being an adult...I am going to call a doctor tomorrow. All by myself. And ask if I can have an appointment. Because it has reached a point where I am legitimately afraid of what is happening to me. I have only ever done this once in my life, and that was just a chiropractor. Not even someone you have to strip down and get looked at with.
  • So, when I spend time with K, I usually get really depressed after we are no longer together. Mainly because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. (Which I think is different from loving someone, call me crazy if you need.) But this morning, like I said, I didn't cry on my way to work. I didn't cry on my lunch break. I don't know if it was because he was meeting me after work to lend me the money or not. I was very happy to see him in the parking lot when I went out to my car. I was very hesitant to invite him out with Melissa & I, mainly because of things he has told me, but also because I don't want to get too attached. (Hello, I'm attached to the weirdest things, so imagine how I am with people...) And if it was because of that, I think I would've cried when he told me that he doesn't know what the fuck happened with his bank account, and he can not lend me the money until at least Thursday, but really not for two or three weeks. I honestly think it is because in college and high school, you practically see your friends everyday. Literally, every single day. And now that I am not in school, I don't have the luxury of that. I actually have to make my own entertainment (see next bullet point). I digress. I did not fall apart when he turned down a different street than me and went home.
  • I went out to a bar to hear a band tonight. I didn't do it because I thought I would sit at home and be depressed and alone. I didn't do it because I was begged to. I actually did it because I wanted to. I went to a bar the other day to hear a different band; one that I really like. I usually enjoy myself, although sometimes I get tired and am at the mercy of the driver, thus irritable and drunk. I even left a situation that K was in to see them. I just wish he understood why I always want to be with him instead of doing all these other things...but I'm not in college anymore. Sleepovers are rare now, although still as enjoyable. But I guess my entertainment is no longer other people, but the occasional tv show on Hulu and movies that I watch over & over. And I am surprisingly ok with this. At least for now.
I think that's all for now. I am really tired and its only 9:50. This would be the adult world I assume. Going to bed early after working an 8 hour shift...sigh.

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