Wednesday, August 25, 2010

WTF

I look down and see the droplets forming; small at first and then slowly getting larger before they drip off into a small pool. The beautiful color. It reminds me of him, the shoes, the shirt...I have a very strong reaction to the color. Everyone that has made me feel this way, that has been the reason for this repeating episode, they are all that color in my memory. The dripping has stopped and a different kind has begun.

In sum, I am falling apart once again. And once again I sit holding the phone getting ready to call my manager and tell her that I can't come in. So I can sit around my house in the silence and wonder what comes next. So I can go through the above loop of actions over and over and over like the Energizer Bunny. So I can over think every thing that he has said or done, hasn't said or done...especially "I love you" because I don't think he does. So I can think about how I panicked over something as small as a phone call. This feeling shall pass, but not quickly enough.

But I don't want it to pass. I want to be in his arms at all times. Feel his skin against mine. Let him touch me the way that he does. Look into his eyes and know that he cares.

I want to not be in love. But always be in love.

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