Wednesday, August 04, 2010

August Sucks (pt 2)

Sooo. Remember that time I said "I re-evaluate my entire life" yesterday? Well here we go.

* I had one of those conversations I have with no one (link, paragraph 2) on my way home from Christopher's tonight. Mainly because my vacation is quickly approaching and I will be with my family for 8 days. EIGHT DAYS of awkwardness with them knowing (thanks facebook) that I am "in a relationship." And I'm not even really in a relationship the way that one would think. I mean, relationship doesn't mean that we go on dates and share ice cream cones and the like...Even the definition of relationship is: a state of connectedness between people. I have a relationship with my readers. I have a relationship with Lisa, the UPS driver that does a pick up every night at work and sometimes brings us cookies. I have a relationship with my professors that I don't see anymore. It's all in what kind of relationship it is. And yes, K & I have an emotional connection, but it doesn't really go far enough that I need to tell my family every detail about his existence.

But I have veered from the actual conversation I had with them in my car. It started with "I think we should play a game called 'Getting to Know You' because sometimes I don't feel like a part of this family. I feel very alienated for a lot of reasons, and thus I don't think anyone really knows much about me." I went on to explain why this massive feeling of alienation is lingering over me - and has been on & off for years. Some main points:
A. I went to a different high school than all my aunts & uncles, 95% of my cousins, and 100% of the people they know; I am left out of every conversation involving anyone they know because I didn't have this teacher and I don't know that person.
B. I didn't play sports or join dance, and instead did things like Choir & French Club. I never wanted to be part of a team or be aggressive. They seem to think this is strange.
C. I don’t attend church on a regular basis. This one needs no explanation.
D. I left the state to go to college and didn’t want to come back. While there, I made friends with people of color, different religions, and most importantly, the homos. My family makes it a point to call me a lesbian whenever we are together simply because I had never been in a relationship with a male before. And because I have gay friends. This clearly means that I must be gay as well.

But I really feel like I’m left out of everything. Also, just because I have tattoos and a pierced face and don’t attend church doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person.

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