Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I look down and see the droplets forming; small at first and then slowly getting larger before they drip off into a small pool. The beautiful color. It reminds me of him, the shoes, the shirt...I have a very strong reaction to the color. Everyone that has made me feel this way, that has been the reason for this repeating episode, they are all that color in my memory. The dripping has stopped and a different kind has begun.

In sum, I am falling apart once again. And once again I sit holding the phone getting ready to call my manager and tell her that I can't come in. So I can sit around my house in the silence and wonder what comes next. So I can go through the above loop of actions over and over and over like the Energizer Bunny. So I can over think every thing that he has said or done, hasn't said or done...especially "I love you" because I don't think he does. So I can think about how I panicked over something as small as a phone call. This feeling shall pass, but not quickly enough.

But I don't want it to pass. I want to be in his arms at all times. Feel his skin against mine. Let him touch me the way that he does. Look into his eyes and know that he cares.

I want to not be in love. But always be in love.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vaycay Dreams

So, of course a vacation isn't without dreams with really obvious messages or with really strange symbols for shit...

Uno: It was simply my feet and another set of feet (I think my dad's) that were floating in a little puddle of ocean water bleeding from the soles. The blood was making little swirls on the surface. And that was it.

Looking up foot/feet in the dream dictionary is difficult, because there are a lot of different ways to see a foot in a dream...and none of them, shockingly, are 'bleeding from who knows what.' Most of the sections suggest cutting it on glass, but something about me knows that it was not from glass. To dream that you injured or hurt your foot, signifies a lack of progress, freedom, and independence. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have taken a step in the wrong direction. The sole of the foot may be a pun of being or feeling like the "sole" or only support of some person or situation.

Zwei: K and I workin the same place (but I have no idea where it was) and our shifts were over for the night and we were in the parking lot. He tells me that he's going to go get dinner with Kyle (son) and so I say, "Ok, see you tomorrow," and try to get in my car. But when I pull the passenger side door (cause I put something in that side) it won't shut - sorta like when the seatbelt is in the way and it bounces back...but that's not why. But I start backing out anyway and debate calling K to come help me. But I've waited too long and I have no reception. There are a lot of people standing around in the parking lot for the next shift and I start getting nervous because my door won't close, so I just drive away anyway, with my door open. I drive to my mom's house and I walk in the kitchen and ask what to do. She tells me to call K, that he won't mind. So I press "Send" and I wake up.

There isn't even anything really to look up. I'm terrified of being alone with strangers in my waking life. My car is a piece of shit in my waking life. My cell phone's reception is about as reliable as a car with no wheels. And hardly any of my dreams have closure.

However, my window broke awhile back (like March) and I had K fix it. So then about a week before my vacation another window broke the same way. And I just didn't tell anyone why there was peace sign duct tape on my car...But then I broke down and told my mom to see if she would buy me the part I needed and asked her if she thought K would fix it if I asked. So I called him and asked him. And he said yes. So, I am either getting more prophetic in my dreams or my dream life is as awesomely boring as my waking life. (OOH! Title line! Take a shot!)

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Like Numbers

Some fun (totally dependent on your definition of fun) facts about my vacation:

  • Condo had 23 mirrors but only 16 rooms; 2 in my bathroom, and 1 whole wall was a mirror
  • Condo was themed and had 231 monkeys (statues, the pool floor, pillows, etc)
  • On the drive down I saw 33 different state license plates, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 36
  • On the drive back I saw 34 states, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 37
  • Overall, I saw 38/50 states (76%) and 3/10 provinces
  • We ate at 3 Outer Banks restaurants (not counting fast food or large chains)
  • Watched 1 sunrise, 2 sunsets, 4 fishing boats come in, 5 surfers, 2 kayakers, and countless dolphins
  • Found 2 conch shells, 1 piece of coral, 2 unidentifiable things, & 25 shells on the beach
  • Bought 3 shot glasses, 1 t-shirt, 1 hoodie, 2 pants, 4 postcards, 1 keychain, 2 can coozies, 3 boxes of salt water taffy & 1 magnet
Stay tuned for "Strange But Gorgeous: The West Virginia Story"

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things on My Mind:

1. I am debating whether to sign up for another summer at the Outer Banks. I have been legitimately bored this entire trip. And when we did the one thing that I wanted to do, at least one person complained the whole time. And unless it is in a sexual way, I hate being controlled. It seems like what and when and where I eat is at the mercy of one person. I don't like being told that I am strange because I don't want to sit on the beach and get all salty and sweaty and nasty instead of doing things on vacation. All I do at home is sit at home in my hot house and stare into space. I don't want to do that now. I don't want to do everything as a fucking group in our matching shirts. I don't want to eat at the same fucking restaurants that we do every time we come here. I would honestly rather eat a mother fucking Big Mac, that you can get anywhere, than go to the restaurant we are going to tonight. But if I don't go, then I'm an asshole and being whiny. I don't like their food, and with there being 14 of us, they shove us places. I sat in the corner last time we went...I had to wait for at least 4 other people to get up before I could walk to the buffet.

2. I miss K. It's disgusting how much I don't want to be in love because it's so hard for me to be just 12 minutes away from him, let alone 12 hours.

3. The other day I was in the bathroom trying to keep some of my stomach lining from being purged and I just started crying. I ended up in the fetal position mouthing the phrase "I want to go home" over and over. I couldn't even make any noise because I was crying so hard. I don't remember ever falling apart so roughly. I'm sure it was a mixture of my diet of Pepto and water for the prior 6 hours, the fact that no one in this family can be nice for more than 5 minutes, and my intense desire to spend time with K with no one else around.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sometimes I wish people would just stop butting in where they shouldn't be.

Addendum: And stop being such a god damn control freak.

Friday, August 13, 2010

We said goodbye.
Tried her hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bittersweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
from doing this to me?

(Jennifer Nettles' voice is way too country for me sometimes, but I love this song: "Keep You" by Sugarland)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


To add to the list of Things Stef Hates More Than You Can Imagine...

People who open their cell phones and then proceed to listen to every ringtone. Over. And. Over. For absolutely no reason.

And now to change the subject slightly. These don't piss me off like the list of things I hate; they simply upset me and/or make no sense.

1. Book sox. No, not them in general. But did you know they cost anywhere from 3.99 to 6.99 (at least at my store)? And did you know that they have the stupidest designs on them? ie. Steelers, Cleveland sports, 3D swirls, etc. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, did you know, that some schools require these...AS PART OF A GRADE. Yes, that's right. Having these expensive book covers instead of the old school paper bags from the grocery store that worked for, oh, YEARS, is becoming part of your child's grade. Now, where I come from, grades are based on performance, intelligence, effort...and not how much money you spend on book covers.

2. My name is spelled: Stefanie. Write that down, memorize it, recite it as your meditation mantra, get it tattooed. I don't care. If I have known you for more than 1 month, and/or you have written my name down at any time, then you should just know this. Five months into a relationship where you write my name down 4 times a week, copying it from another piece of paper, you should know that it is spelled with an "f." And you people who eff this up do realize that I am not the only person that spells it this way right? My god, you people can't spell most other words correctly, but when it comes to spelling something phonetically, then you can't do it. Say it with me, "Stef with an f."

Monday, August 09, 2010

I guess I forget after vacation how much shit you actually pack and take on a week's vacation. Sheesh. I decided to just get at least the clothes done and it's making me a leetle bit crazy. That, and it is 3:30 am.


Eff my life...I had a really pathetic dream where Kenny ended up embracing me until I fell asleep because I think I was scared. I don't remember the rest...

So I saw him today. And I realized that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Because DAMN.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Sometimes I wish my blog got more readers/traffic. And then I think, "Why? Then I will just feel like I have to come up with something witty and/or really meaty instead of talking about how Reba McEntire is on vaycay right now and was on a boat with huge crabs or about my affair with a much older man..."

An Overshare? Possibly

Today I got home about 3:30 am. Felt fine. Went to sleep. I kept tossing & turning and waking up with a slight stomachache, but I assumed it was just cramps and tried to go back to sleep. At 5:42 am, I discovered that I couldn't take the pain anymore and went into the bathroom. I took care of other business, flushed and turned around to leave. I then proceeded to vomit for the next 15 minutes...eventually nothing was even coming out of my body but spit. But I remained hunched over the toilet, going through the motions. I finally crawled back to bed after somehow pouring myself a glass of iced tea and passed out until almost 11 am. It is now 1:55 pm and the stomach drama continues, although all I'm doing is lying in bed on my computer. I have not consumed anything, so I have no idea how I'm supposed to throw up again. Or relieve this urge to do so.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

We are both covered in freckles and sometimes we compare our arms. He always laughs and says things like "You can't beat me." I want to lie in the sun for hours trying to get more so I can beat him. I want to connect all of his to mine.

August Sucks (pt 2)

Sooo. Remember that time I said "I re-evaluate my entire life" yesterday? Well here we go.

* I had one of those conversations I have with no one (link, paragraph 2) on my way home from Christopher's tonight. Mainly because my vacation is quickly approaching and I will be with my family for 8 days. EIGHT DAYS of awkwardness with them knowing (thanks facebook) that I am "in a relationship." And I'm not even really in a relationship the way that one would think. I mean, relationship doesn't mean that we go on dates and share ice cream cones and the like...Even the definition of relationship is: a state of connectedness between people. I have a relationship with my readers. I have a relationship with Lisa, the UPS driver that does a pick up every night at work and sometimes brings us cookies. I have a relationship with my professors that I don't see anymore. It's all in what kind of relationship it is. And yes, K & I have an emotional connection, but it doesn't really go far enough that I need to tell my family every detail about his existence.

But I have veered from the actual conversation I had with them in my car. It started with "I think we should play a game called 'Getting to Know You' because sometimes I don't feel like a part of this family. I feel very alienated for a lot of reasons, and thus I don't think anyone really knows much about me." I went on to explain why this massive feeling of alienation is lingering over me - and has been on & off for years. Some main points:
A. I went to a different high school than all my aunts & uncles, 95% of my cousins, and 100% of the people they know; I am left out of every conversation involving anyone they know because I didn't have this teacher and I don't know that person.
B. I didn't play sports or join dance, and instead did things like Choir & French Club. I never wanted to be part of a team or be aggressive. They seem to think this is strange.
C. I don’t attend church on a regular basis. This one needs no explanation.
D. I left the state to go to college and didn’t want to come back. While there, I made friends with people of color, different religions, and most importantly, the homos. My family makes it a point to call me a lesbian whenever we are together simply because I had never been in a relationship with a male before. And because I have gay friends. This clearly means that I must be gay as well.

But I really feel like I’m left out of everything. Also, just because I have tattoos and a pierced face and don’t attend church doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

August Sucks (pt 1)

Reasons Why Stef Doesn't Have Serious Conversations (Or At Least Why She Tries to Avoid Them):

Now, there are several different kinds of serious conversations. And my reaction/feelings about them vary depending on which kind it is. I'm confusing you, but bear with me.

1. I cry. I cry when I am frustrated or upset. Sometimes I cry when nothing has happened.

This includes: convos about my past, my future, my family in Germany, sometimes my family in the US, friendships that have ended, some friendships I have now.

2. I get other kinds of depressed. And then I spend a week freaking out about whatever the conversation was about. Including but not limited to: isolation, insomnia, excess sleeping, physical pain, moving, making odd decisions, tattooing, and spending too much money.

This includes: my life plan, talks of religion (afterlife & such included)

3. I re-evaluate my entire life.

Monday, August 02, 2010


So it's August...

1. Where the hell did summer go?
2. Yay vaycay starting in 11 days.
3. Where the hell did summer go?
4. It should be a good one since it came in like a lion...(I know, it's not March, but my emotions were SHIT yesterday...)

My wrist/hand still hurts from my sex injury. Like, holy mother does it hurt this morning. And now I'm off to do job #2, even though, I really don't know how I will be of any use today. "Oh, you want me to try and grasp things? About that..." I wish I had won powerball this past Saturday because I would A. quit my job and travel the world and B. go to a doctor.

See, I really don't want much from this world, just enough money to take care of my ailing hand and to see the Pyramids.