Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Wasted

So, I heard this song at my mom's the other day (like a while ago) and I think I need to start living like the people in the song. I hope I don't have some copyright lawsuit, because I just copy/pasted it from some google searched website.

Wasted lyrics
Songwriters: Verges, Troy; Lindsey, Hillary Lee; Green, Marv;
Standing at the back door she tried to make it fast
One tear hit the hard wood it fell like broken glass
She said, "Sometimes love slips away
And you just can't get it back, let's face it"

For one split second, she almost turned around
But that would be like pouring rain drops back into a cloud
So she took another step and said
"I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it"

I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted

Another glass of whiskey but it still don't kill the pain
So he stumbles to the sink and pours it down the drain
He says, "It's time to be a man and stop living for yesterday
Gotta face it"

'Cause I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted

Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted

She kept drivin' along
'Til the moon and the sun were floating side-by-side
He looked in the mirror and his eyes were clear
For the first time in a while, yeah yeah

Oh, I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted

Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted

Oh I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by wasted, yeah, yeah

Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time wasted


© SONGS FROM THE ENGINE ROOM; SONGS OF UNIVERSAL INC; WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP
I don't know how to fix myself.

Monday, June 28, 2010

SIGH

I didn't know I could be annoyed to the point of telling someone how I feel. Turns out, I can be.

Also, am thinking about my next tattoo - cause I gots a job and all and can maybe afford that in the near future - and came up with a new one, and then one I have wanted for about 3 (maybe 4) years.

We will start with the one I have wanted for years:
When I found it, it was through a google search for Egyptian symbols for love & happiness, but this is what came up when I re-found it tonight. I honestly just like it because of its simplicity, but I would prefer something more Egyptian, since that is my favorite form of art. However, I still really love it.
The lotus symbol (or its petals) is both a symbol of purity and variety, every lotus petal representing a distinct aspect. The inclusion of a lotus in a YANTRA represents freedom from multiple interference with the exterior (purity) and expresses the absolute force of the Supreme Self.

The second one, that I found while searching for the above image is:
Again, simplistic in design is it's main appeal. But I don't think people should get tattoos just because they like some picture or something. I feel like they should be meaningful. And I have a thing about strength (you know, my extreme lack of...).
Tabono - the 'paddles'. Ancient African Symbol- Symbol represents strength and perseverence.

grr

I am seriously the most irritable person right now.

I want you to answer the phone when you tell me to call.

I want (a different) you to stop whining about being in this town.

I just want to punch things.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I almost just quit my job. I was just sitting here, upset over stupid shit and thought about calling and quitting. I can't fucking handle stress. And when you work for a condescending bitch, you know what stress would look like if it were a person.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Long; Dream Me is Insane

1. I woke up to a panic attack. Like, I woke up, had 2 thoughts at the most, and one set me off into a crying fit. I don't even know what it was. I just know that I woke up and knew that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life and that I would never be happy and that some sort of natural disaster was going to destroy everything/everyone that I had. And then I fell asleep again.

2. I had a dream last night that I worked for the Copy/Print Center instead of being a cashier (and I only knew this cause I was wearing the blue shirt instead of my red shirt). And at 10 am, Anna (from German) came up and was like "Go on lunch now and come to Arby's." So I just walked away from my register and decided to go to Arby's with her and Melissa, and like 3 other people. Well, we get Arby's and we go somewhere else, and I see that time is starting to get closer to 10:15 (let's not get crazy...I don't get lunch breaks; I only get 1 15 minute break most days) so I say we need to get me back to work so my boss doesn't fire me. But then Anna disappears and it's just me, Melissa, & Maddi. And we get on a bus to get us back to quote "THE STAPLES NEAR CAMPUS DAMMIT!!" But I realize I'm not wearing my black shoes anymore. So I have to run back into the theater to get them off Robbie's corpse (WTF? amirite?) and I miss the bus that is leaving first. By now it is 10:31, and I figure I've been fired, so I no longer rush to get back. But here's where things get unrealistic (lolz, sorry, jokes aren't my thing today).

The cast changes to me, Mandy and two guys on the street because we got off the slow bus and decided to run to the Staples. (Actually, I think one of the guys is the fat guy from Lost? I dunno, I watched the Pilot episode last night...) So, we are running down the street and I have a glass bottle in my hand, look at it, say "DEAD WEIGHT" and throw it at some store. And this makes me run faster. And we get to a giant dead tree with money strewn throughout the branches. Mandy takes a flashlight, counts some paces and shines it up at a $5 bill. She says something about how it must be the right one that can get us back to Staples, and plucks it out of the tree. Unfortunately it is the wrong one, and a Miley Cyrus corpse face is on it instead of a President, and she says, "Great. Now I will have bad luck." And a $250 bill floats past me and I snatch it out of the air, notice the same MC face and freak out. Then, this whispy voice says, "They can see all of you." And we don't know what they are talking about and all of a sudden, little white things surround us and start taking off our clothes. And then Mandy started moaning and I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she thought one of the ghost things was "eating her out or something." And then it started happening to me, only I wasn't moaning from pleasure...It felt like fingernails were scraping the inside of me while my muscles all spasmed at the same time.

I don't know what happened, but we finally get back to Staples, despite all the pain and and nakedness which disappears the moment we get there. And I tell my boss that I quit.

3. My other dream, was that I was in Staples and it was closing time, but whomever had been in the front at the time (I was cleaning the bathroom) forgot to lock the door so people kept filtering in and EVERY SINGLE PERSON tried to buy a packet of Avery Labels. But then there were more and more people coming in all at once and they all just sat in a circle and started drinking beer. I noticed that one of them was K, but didn't want to acknowledge that I knew one of the people who was just sitting in Staples after close. My boss ushered them out and I found him in the parking lot (which was similar to a county fair parking lot...you need to take notes on where you parked to find your car) but he was too drunk to drive, so I told him I would take him home. And his buddies were all teasing him because he had to have a girl take him home and whatever and he told them to fuck off. And we get in his truck (why not my car? no clue) and I start to back out and he tells me that he's sorry he's so drunk. And we never make it home, but we just sit in his truck. He told me that he really wants to have sex, but he's too drunk probably, and I told him that we couldn't anyway. He seemed really sad, and I was like "Well, I'm, you know...on my thing." And he was like "Oh...I don't care."

4. There was going to be more meat to this post, but then I remembered the dream about K. Ooops, just wrote out his name and realized that I can't do that. Not quite yet.

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Now playing: Ani DiFranco - Self Evident
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Twisting Texts & Lexing Out

Sometimes I get very stressed out and panicky and then I start dyslexia'ing. Like right now I am playing Text Twist, and I have been playing the same game since yesterday (I just pause and come back to it when I'm done working or eating or checking Frontierville, etc). But every few words I will try to type and it comes out all wrong. Pie becomes pei or ipe, and it is not just because I'm typing quickly. And then that makes me more stressed out and it gets worse and I hate circular shit.

And for once I can't find anything to blame this stress on. Sometimes I tell myself that it's work or lack of work or family or something stupid that someone said. But aside from the thunderstorm that I am trying not to hear by turning up my music, there isn't really anything stressful right now. I keep telling myself that I'm not falling in love. I don't love him. But I'm finding myself always wondering what he's doing or if he is thinking about me at the same time. And what if I do love him? I can't tell him; that would be awful. Well, I can't commit to someone that wholly yet, especially someone like him who won't commit back for the next couple years. And that is making it worse because I like to want things I can't have. And I can't tell my family about this. Judgment is a common thing in this family. And I know I shouldn't care what they think, as long as I am happy. But I can't help but rely on approval from people I have always been around. We are too close of a family for me to just cut them out because I know they won't approve of the person I want to be with.

And now I'm "lexing out" as I will from here on out refer to it as.

ps: there was apparently an earthquake today. didn't feel a thing, but heard reports from others on the same street as me
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Now playing: The Alter Boys - Where Have You Gone
via FoxyTunes

Friday, June 18, 2010

I did not end up having daiquiris with K...but that is ok, because I had fun anyway. wink wink.

I don't know why, but I just considered making a bucket list.

I remember awhile back I thought about how I never blog when I'm happy. But that is dumb, because people should know when I'm happy as well as sad. It's kind of scaring me that things are going well right now. I had toyed with the idea of quitting and trying to find a different job - one that would make me less stressed, less physically drained, less insane, etc.

I was going to post more, but I started this post like 2 days ago. And I'm sick of having the tab open.

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Now playing: Black Box Recorder - Child Psychology
via FoxyTunes

Friday, June 11, 2010

Ugh, now my neck is all fucked up again. It hurts to move. However, daiquiris with K on Sunday? I THINK SO!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Happy 500th Post!

It was almost exactly six years ago that I started my blog. And so I thought I'd do a little self-comparison using a MySpace quiz maker.

*** 2004 - The Beginning ***
1. Date - June 1, 2004
2. Age - 18
3. Relationship Status - single
4. Residence - NW PA
5. Best Friend(s) - Aaryn, Melissa, Brittney
6. Education Status - Graduating High School; Starting Gannon University
7. Job - none
8. Favorite TV Show - SNL reruns (2000-2004) and then Gilmore Girls
9. Favorite Band/Song - According to the blog: Jay-Z, song unknown...probably something by Fiona Apple
10. Favorite Book - The Dogs of Babel
11. Favorite Movie - Big Fish
12. Favorite Food - cheese
13. Piercings/Tattoos - 2 (ears)/0
14. Virginity Status - in-tact
15. Three Words I Use to Describe Me - unhappy, immature, spiteful

*** 2010 - The Now ***
16. Date - June 9, 2010
17. Age - 24
18. Relationship Status - It's so complicated, it's not even funny. But single.
19. Residence - NW PA
20. Best Friend(s) - Mandy, Aaryn, Melissa, Christopher, Sigma Frye, K
21. Education Status - B.A. in Biology & Psychology from Knox College
22. Job - Sales Associate for Staples
23. Favorite TV Show - The Golden Girls, Reba & basically anything on Bravo (when I have cable)
24. Favorite Band/Song - Reba, Martina McBride & Snoop Dogg/Savior by Rise Against
25. Favorite Book - The Bell Jar
26. Favorite Movie - Jurassic Park & Pan's Labyrinth
27. Favorite Food - Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell
28. Piercings/Tattoos - 4 ears, 1 nose/1 on each ankle
29. Virginity Status - gone
30. Three Words I Use to Describe Me - stuck, outgoing, discontent

I don't really know if there is anything else exciting that I could do in celebration. I noticed that back in 2004 I was really focused on how much I hated Gannon and how much my mind didn't want to accept that it needed to change and move away from this area of the world. And these days my blog is about relationships and how I don't know how to deal with them.

It's kinda fun to see how I've changed. I found a journal that had entries from 2001 and it was exciting? to see that I was much worse then. Exciting because I realize I am better than I was when I would cry myself to sleep every night, wondering what I had done to deserve the hand that life had dealt to me. Now I just wonder what I can do to play the cards I was dealt without folding.

I dunno. Maybe something more exciting will happen in the near future that I can write about that will make me feel less stuck and discontent. Sigh.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Fuck.

That is really all. I almost texted K "So, turns out one of us did get hurt." But I assumed he would want to talk to me afterward. And I don't want to talk to him. Not now, not ever. I honestly just want to forget that he existed.

Friday, June 04, 2010

My Current State: Exhausted

I am planning something "holy shit" for my 500th post which will be three posts after this one. I however reserve the right to fuck up and make it the 501st post as I did when I hit 400.

I have been neglecting my Google Reader, so if you are having a lack of visits or whatever, I apologize. They gave me more hours this week and I have been working like a madwoman.

I didn't realize that I could be so tired from standing all day.

I think there is like, a tornado outside my window right now. The thunder is pretty ridiculous right now. The power keeps flickering so who knows what will happen. And it just changed to a tornado warning.

Oh my God, I am suffering from a ridic amount of physical exhaustion. And the fun doesn't even stop until Sunday. And by fun, I mean I plan on getting completely shit-faced tomorrow night after my shift. But really, my heels are in so much pain, it doesn't even subside after getting off my feet. Because the second I get up to pee or get a drink the pain shoots up through my body. And the second I get back to work my feet are like "Um, no bitch. No." Also, I don't know if it's partially the heat wave that just flowed through here or what, but...I always want to be asleep. Not even depressed "Oh I need to be asleep so my life doesn't suck," anymore. It is straight up "Oh my god I am so tired." Sleeping for 7, 8, 9 hours does nothing. I just wake up the next morning completely exhausted.

And this coupled with the idea of quitting and getting a job that gives more hours so I can pay off my student loans/credit card debt just makes me want to cry. Or even keeping this job, because I really don't hate it...and getting a second one. A lot of the people who work there have two jobs, and thought it was odd that I only had one. Well sheesh it took me 10 months to get the one; and I feel bad taking a job from someone else, but I need it. Just for a little while. I need to be able to live on my own. And you can't do that with my kind of pay. How physically exhausted would I be working 40 or 50 hours a week if 15-25 is killing me? How often would I see anyone if I was working two jobs when I barely see people now? How crazy am I, lol? Really though.

My feet think that having one job is too much, so if I get a second it better be one where I can sit and work. And preferably one where I do not have to answer phones.

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Now playing: Hot Rod Circuit - Gin And Juice
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

I'm Gross

I have now been asked on 3 separate occasions by three different people if I live in my car. The answer is no. But I decided that today after work it would make sense to clean it out. Now, the question is completely legit as the following things were in the back seat for a good eight months (or longer):

a pillow
jeans
t-shirt
3 hoodies (three? wtf)
a pair of gloves
2 pairs of sneakers
a marshmallow roasting stick (from the German Club camping trip)
umbrella

And now the list of reasons people I think I live in there (ie my garbage pile).
16 diet pepsi bottles
5 McDonald's Frappe cups
7 Sheetz sandwich wrappers
15 Sheetz receipts

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Sigh

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without emotions. I don't like that I know about attachment theory. I don't like attachments in general. I'm attached to him, emotionally speaking. He insists on talking to me everyday. If I don't call him, he calls me to see if I'm ok because I didn't call. It's unfortunate that we had the talk about how we shouldn't have sex anymore because he's afraid of getting hurt. Because...I am incredibly sexually attracted to him. More than any other attraction (physical, emotional, friendship, etc) I just want to have sex. With him, specifically.