Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Holy Sweet Jesus

I'm such a bad blogger. I generally only blog when something shitty is going in my life, and not something good. Which explains why I haven't been blogging lately except to complain about my computer. But as I sit here watching The Golden Girls online eating the most effing delicious Lean Cuisine that was ever made, I realize I could be blogging about something good. So I will do that.

And that brings us to K. I will spare you all the juicy details. I will just say that sleeping on a couch is absolutely EFFING terrible because my left Latissiums dorsi (ie: the muscle in my back that is below the shoulder muscle) is in excruciating pain and it's making me a little nauseous. And no amount of oxytocin release made this pain any less painful, just sayin. Aaryn tried to massage it out and it felt better for about half an hour and then it hurt worse than before...not her fault, but still I want to die right now. I digress.

I don't like hearing that I have a nice body or that I'm an awesome person. I'm really terrible at compliments. Really. Terrible. I blush and get quiet and hide my face so he can't see my reaction. I also can not make eye contact with people, and like...I feel like that is a time to do it. But my fear is that he will be able to see that I haven't been (am not?) happy for so long. I don't want to scare him away because of my emotional roller coaster from hell. I'm bad at trusting someone enough to - how do I say this without sounding vulgar and slutty? - make noise to let him know what I enjoy or even say anything at all. At any point in the evening. I just listened and thought about things. I think too much and told him that. Of all the things I would say with someone on the first night of...aloneness. I say "I'm sorry, I think too much." Seriously? That's what I fucking say? He just said, "I know. It's ok."

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I was waiting for this moment for like, christ, months. And then when it came, I just freaked out (silently and definitely not visibly) and tried to pretend like I wasn't over-thinking it. Hopefully my birthday will not be filled with thinking. Just happiness. Hopefully stressless. Just...ugh, what if he finds out too much about me during my drunken birthday celebration? I'll just have to prevent myself from doing stupid shit.

I use the word "just" too much.

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1 comment:

Tasha said...

Compliments are the worst things ever. People think I don't believe them and I do, I just don't agree.