Monday, May 31, 2010


I'm engaging in a love-hate relationship as I type this. It is my relationship with summer.

I hate snow. I hate driving in snow. I like watching it snow...from my parka & sleeping bag and/or on television. So lord knows I love it when that part of the year has passed and the grass starts turning green again. However, the grass has been green for awhile now and the sun is starting to take its toll on me. I like sun, don't get me wrong, but when it is too hot to walk to the bathroom...C'mon.

All I'm trying to do right now is watch a little Golden Girls season 3 on youtube! I don't really like the idea of peeling myself off my desk whenever I have an itch because the sweat has all but glued me down. And do you know why I have to itch? Because of summer.

Now, I guess technically I am not allergic to summer, although the Claritin I purchased yesterday begs to differ. However, with summer comes bonfires or non-bon fires (also known as camp fires). And with fires come smores. And with smores come burning hot sticks. And with burning hot sticks come...well burnt faces. Yes. I said it. I'm admitting that I was at a small fire last night making smores when the stick I was using flicked back and hit me in the face, thus BURNING THE SHIT out of my chin. And now it itches.

But now the love part. I might go canoeing today. Actually, I'm not too excited because I was excited about this weekend and the fact that K cancelled (cancelled is a word I shouldn't use because that would imply that I found out he wasn't showing up instead of him just not showing up without a call or a text or smoke signals) six different events in the past 11 days has made me realize that I shouldn't get excited about any potential plans.

Now playing: GoingGoldenAgain's Channel
via FoxyTunes

Friday, May 28, 2010

Fuck Me

Why today is a giant piece of shit: (BTW this could turn into a regular feature...)

1. I woke up at 4 am for no fucking reason.

2. I woke up again at 7 so I could get ready for work.

3. Drove to work in the sweltering heat. Stood at work for 7 hours in the heat.

4. Seriously spent 5/7 hours putting labels on something for the copy center. BTW, I am not getting paid copy center wages. Thus, do not have me do your work.

5. Forgot my paycheck when I left work. Now I have to wait until Tuesday to deposit it because I work tomorrow 4-9:30. And Monday is a holiday. AWESOME. Good thing I don't have bills. Oh wait. This led to a 20 minute ordeal trying to enroll in direct deposit.

6. Am I in love? No. Do I feel like I should be because of how I react when things don't go the way they should've? Yes. A thousand times yes.

7. I'm probably going to remove my nose ring even though I love it. This will be done in a time of upset and emotional distress.

8. I am considering a second job just so I can be busy at all times so I don't think about numbers 6 & 7.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

If I were to play Never Have I Ever now, I'm pretty sure I would no longer be that person that is left with all her fingers up at the end.

I have now:
Slept with a married man (hey, technicalities...he signed the papers, she didn't)
Slept with someone more than 10yrs older than me
Had sex...
Allowed someone to go down on me
Had sex in a trailer
Had sex while a dog watched
Made a very sexually explicit joke about beavers being eaten
Went on a date to a casino
Wanted a corgi, and would go through lengths to get one
Pretended not to be emotionally attached to someone I wasn't supposed to be attached to.

Wait what? Nevermind that last one. We'll pretend like it didn't happen

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

State of the Stef

1. Went to the chiropractor yesterday because my neck hurt so badly I can barely move it to the left. And now it hurts worse and the pain has spread to my shoulder. And I have had a headache since I woke up (roughly 8:13 am, the first time). The doctor said I may have a herniated disc but he won't be sure until he sees me again. There were no x-rays or anything taken yet. But he did seem like he was going to if it gets worse/not better. Now I do not want to go stand at Staples for 5 hours. Not in the slightest. It's horrible, because Vicodin didn't even help this pain.

2. Well, I was going to talk about something here, but realized I really can't bring myself to do it. So I guess there is only a 1. I'll just say that I am stressed. But I don't matter.
Now playing: Snoop Dogg - Beautiful
via FoxyTunes
I just got off the phone. K & I were talking for 2.5 hours. I don't think I have ever talked to someone that long...ever. And I told him things I didn't think I would feel comfortable telling anyone besides Ginny. And he told me it was ok for me to tell him.

I feel destressed. And its a wonderful feeling.

Now playing: Ani diFranco - Pick Yer Nose
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, May 23, 2010


I had a dream last night that Melissa & I went on vacation to Mexico and while we were there, we ran into an old friend Adam. For a little while the two of us were watching seals play in this lake thing and they started coming out of the water and letting us pet them and the photos were really awesome. And then this one albino one got a little crazy with Melissa and started biting her head. And then it was chewing on my hand and would not leave me alone no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it. It was chasing us away and so we decided it was time to leave the seals and go across a bridge. On our way there a crocodile came out of a different little lake and (duh) I freaked out. But then I saw that it had a sign on it that said something like "I'm too old to live up to the rest of these gators." And we saw that it had no teeth left. When we got to this bridge, there was Adam and Melissa got on the phone and meanwhile Mandy showed up and asked if we were going on the seal tour. I was like "wait what?" and she said the cruise was sponsoring a seal watching tour in Germany...

I also had a dream that I was in Staples and I kept having dyslexic moments and Dawn was getting really pissed until I told her that I get dyslexic moments when I'm really stressed out thanks to the awesome concussion fiasco of 2005. *That would be a link had I blogged about it. But I'm assuming I didn't since I had a headache for a week.

Now playing: Custom - Hey Mister
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's amazing how many things you neglect to think about when you are happy. And it's amazing the things you do think about.
Remember that time I said I would have sex on my birthday? I did.

I would post my second birthday blog, but that sums it up. Maybe if my family reads this they will stop implying that I am a lesbian and shut up. Cause K is not a female. OH NO! Not by any means.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

And Happy Birthday

So this will no doubt be part one of my birthday post. As I am completely shitfaced at 2:33 am and bloggin...I'm sure it will be a good one. I had 3 whiskey sours, 2 jack & cokes, a jaeger bomb & three random shots of shit. It was a very good night. Especially since I do not have to work in the morning...or even until Saturday.

Can I just say, that I don't love him. But I could. I really care about him. And more importantly at this point in my day, I just want to fuck him. Like, straight up fucking on every surface of his house. Every. Surface. We are going to the casino in 15 hours and I really just want to put all my money down on virginity hoping I lose. That's right. I have never had sex. But I'm going to tomorrow for my birthday if it kills me. I have been 24 for only 2 hours and 35 minutes, but g'damn it. I'm going to get what I want. And I know that he wants it to. Because he went there. He did things I was saving for no man. No man was ever supposed to do what he did. (Well, no woman either...) BUT STILL. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd. He went there.

I'm drunk, so I'm saying too much. But yay, it's my birthday and I'm going to spend it with someone who wants to be with me. Damn it, that is the first time I have been with a male who wasnt' fucking insane on my birthday.

Shout out to Tasha. Because she actually reads my blog, and I don't know anyone else that actually does. I like you a lot. The end.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Holy Sweet Jesus

I'm such a bad blogger. I generally only blog when something shitty is going in my life, and not something good. Which explains why I haven't been blogging lately except to complain about my computer. But as I sit here watching The Golden Girls online eating the most effing delicious Lean Cuisine that was ever made, I realize I could be blogging about something good. So I will do that.

And that brings us to K. I will spare you all the juicy details. I will just say that sleeping on a couch is absolutely EFFING terrible because my left Latissiums dorsi (ie: the muscle in my back that is below the shoulder muscle) is in excruciating pain and it's making me a little nauseous. And no amount of oxytocin release made this pain any less painful, just sayin. Aaryn tried to massage it out and it felt better for about half an hour and then it hurt worse than before...not her fault, but still I want to die right now. I digress.

I don't like hearing that I have a nice body or that I'm an awesome person. I'm really terrible at compliments. Really. Terrible. I blush and get quiet and hide my face so he can't see my reaction. I also can not make eye contact with people, and like...I feel like that is a time to do it. But my fear is that he will be able to see that I haven't been (am not?) happy for so long. I don't want to scare him away because of my emotional roller coaster from hell. I'm bad at trusting someone enough to - how do I say this without sounding vulgar and slutty? - make noise to let him know what I enjoy or even say anything at all. At any point in the evening. I just listened and thought about things. I think too much and told him that. Of all the things I would say with someone on the first night of...aloneness. I say "I'm sorry, I think too much." Seriously? That's what I fucking say? He just said, "I know. It's ok."

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I was waiting for this moment for like, christ, months. And then when it came, I just freaked out (silently and definitely not visibly) and tried to pretend like I wasn't over-thinking it. Hopefully my birthday will not be filled with thinking. Just happiness. Hopefully stressless. Just...ugh, what if he finds out too much about me during my drunken birthday celebration? I'll just have to prevent myself from doing stupid shit.

I use the word "just" too much.

Now playing: GoingGoldenAgain's Channel
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My Anti-Consumerist Childhood

I feel like this will be an odd post.'ve been warned.

I was sitting here, trying to make my DDDs fit into a DD bra and for some reason I thought of My Size Barbie.

Why? Because no one is the same size as MySize Barbie. "Oh, you can just wear her princess dress!" No. And do you know why? I don't either. I was not a chubby child. I was quite thin. Maybe I was too tall? I have no idea. As you can see, I didn't have any strange deformities, hell, I think I might even be smaller than the girl in the picture with Barbie.

BUT. The worst part about MySize that I never even got one. Yup, I was one of those kids that really really wanted one, and never got one. Thank God though. Cause can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night to THAT staring at you? When I was in Virginia, my cousin's child's Elmo went off in the middle of the night and I woke up to it looking at me and moving. When I was like 6, my mom had this witch doll hanging in my room and it terrified me. It was probably only 1/3 the size of Barbie. I did have a MySize BigBird from Sesame Street though. Clearly, my parents knew what they were doing. Were my friends all getting them and I was just jealous? No. Why? Because until age 12, I didn't really have any friends. Yeah, depressing right?

On the topic of toys I never got that I really wanted...Ribbon Dancer. Seriously, I would make my own "ribbon dancer" (read: toilet paper tied onto a stick) and run around doing all the fun things from the commercial. And they were fun...for 3 minutes, because that's how long it takes toilet paper to rip off a stick.

And even a third toy from the late 80s/early 90s that never made it into my toy chest: that set of three sticks where you kinda bounced one in between the other two. (yes that is my description..if you don't like it, figure out the real name for me and let me know). My God, if you thought Little Stef running around with toilet paper and Big Bird was depressing. Wait til you hear about my stick playset. Honestly, I had no idea how to do this stick trick thing, so I just held a stick in each hand and flipped a stick around in between them. Usually ending in me getting upset that it was nothing like the commercial and throwing them into the woods. (That sounds overly dramatic and made up. But I really did live in front of a small forest and would go in on a regular basis...usually to collect said sticks and then throw them back.)

But do you know what I did have? A MUTHEREFFING SNOOPY SNO CONE MACHINE.----------------
Now playing: Martina McBride - Love Land
via FoxyTunes
My computer is almost back to normal. The backed up files are still on a different computer. But I should get it all back on Monday. Yay. I'm thinking I might try to convince my dad to get cable back for my birthday. Yes, that is indeed a splendid plan for the day.

Today we find out who got the promotion at work. I really hope it's Melissa. Because OHMYGOD I will not work under Monica. Monica is annoying & pushy and completely condescending to even the bosses.

Also, they might call me to work Wednesday and I think I would do it, because wth, I need money.

Friday, May 14, 2010

So, to add to the birthday fun of working both weekends and thus can not have a party. I got a virus that completely fucked my computer. And today it was reformatted and I'm not looking forward to starting over. Yep. Hopefully all will be good by tomorrow morning.

Maybe I will drink my latest paycheck away in celebration of my birthday. Sounds good.

(Or drown away the pain of my life? Maybe K will help drown them.)

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Freaking Questions

I don't know what to do anymore. There are just so many thoughts jumbled in my mind that sometimes even simple things like looking out the window make my head spin. What if the phone rings while I'm looking out the window? What if it's something better on the other end? What if there is nothing better?

Why can't I just explain that this is what I want? This is what would make me happy. I've been unhappy for so long...Can't I just get one little bit of happy out of life?

Now playing: Joy Electric - Song For All Time
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Work Update!

My bosses spent countless minutes of down time telling me how good I am at cleaning bathrooms (especially mopping) and straightening shelves/fronting paper. It was strange, cause like, I'm sorry, but if you tell me to clean a bathroom, I can't bring myself to half-ass it. And streaky mirrors drive me nuts, so I have to fix that. Also, all I did was bring some paper from behind the shelves and put it in front of the shelf. I know, just take the compliment, but I didn't do anything spectacular...Perhaps Associate of the Month is in my near future!? I vote yes. AotM: Stef: for cleaning bathrooms like no other & selling a shit load of pens.

Speaking of work, I got a paper cut today. And not like one of those tiny ass ones from some standard letter paper that hurt like a bitch. This was heavy duty paper, only slightly less thick than cardboard. And it hurt like a bitch...and bled like one too. I honestly don't think I have ever gotten a paper cut that hurt this badly. And to make matters worse, it goes all the way across the most extreme section of my finger. That's right, the whole tip...about a half-inch long, wrapped in a napkin because I was the only person up front and couldn't leave my register to get a band aid. And yet, the price tags are all up and look splendid, thank you very much.

Now playing: Liz Phair - Red Light Fever
via FoxyTunes

Monday, May 10, 2010

I Need A Therapist on Speed Dial

I realize that no one really cares about Nascar that reads this, but if you're going to understand the analogy to my life that follows, you will have to watch this video... From 1:00 - 1:14. And also know that Johnson won the Cup last he is the best driver ever. Or something. And if you don't want to watch it..I'll sum it up. Allmendinger slams into Johnson and they are both out of the race.

Sometimes I feel that my mind is like Jimmie Johnson (48). Hear me out before you just give up on this post. For starters, it is a cocky little thing that likes to be a dick. Yes, my mind likes to think that it can give me these dreams that make complete fucking sense and tell me exactly what I should do. Yet, in waking life, it has to go and prevent me from doing the things that it wants me to do. Cognitive dissonance out the ass.

Secondly, my mind will be doing really well (winning a series cup, four races in a row, etc) and then someone like K (Allmendinger) comes along and fucking slam me into insanity (the wall). I feel like I'm spinning out of control, unable to finish. Finish what? I don't Regardless or what it is I think I can't finish...I honestly thought I knew what I was going to do with my life...but then it hit me from nowhere, surprising me to no end, leaving me jostled and dazed. Walking around wondering what the fuck I'm supposed to do now.

I was going to move. I was going to try to get away from all of this: the un-mutual feelings of sexual attraction, the drama, the bottomless glasses of alcohol that I consume. Only to find out that they are not un-mutual feelings. They are in fact very mutual. Slap a cape on those feelings because they are Super Mutual.

And while we're on the topic of Nascar being my life...I feel like this would never work out anyway. I'm like Logano (he is a 19 year old rookie) and K is Martin (a 50-something year old veteran). And no, I don't mean K is 50 years old. I mean, he just has more experience with people (ie: his ex-wife) than I do (ie: Randy...).

Could the checkered flag be waved? I'm really tired of this race...

Now playing: The Shins - Know Your Onion!
via FoxyTunes


I can't tell if the thought of my family finding and reading my blog is liberating or terrifying.

The same goes for K.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Love, Broken Asses, & Puppies

And say hello to one of the cutest pictures on the planet.

I was sitting in one of those plastic lawn chairs today, when it just broke and I fell to the ground. Seriously, out of nowhere. And on the way down to the concrete garage floor...the leg stabbed me in the upper thigh (read: ass) and now there is a giant bruise. Like I told Maddi, I have never been spanked, but I assume that this feels like that. It hurts to sit. Only I assume a spanking would just be slightly uncomfortable, whereas this straight up feels like my muscle will atrophy at any moment.

So, I was told that K told a third party that he really likes me but is afraid that he would stand in my way of finding someone better and that I wouldn't be able to enjoy life if I "settled" for him. I wish he had told me, because I do not consider myself "settling" for someone who has said he would do anything he could for me. I am an adult and if I want to choose him, then I will choose him. Plus, he said that he liked the way I look. And g'damn if that doesn't make my head floaty...because I don't like the way I look.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I wish something new/exciting/happy would happen.

Then I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what to do about everything.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

And...Off To Work Again

Right now my living quarters resemble tornadic aftermath. I try to get a little bit cleaned each day, but sometimes something comes up. Like going to the Salvation Army with Melissa. And then some days I think "Ok, gonna take care of this pile today," but then I look at it, get hopeless and go back to playing some Big Kahuna Reef. On any given day, I probably play that game for at least 3 hours. (I would like to note that I just went and played 3 levels before I went to the next section of this entry.)

So I was having one of those conversations that I have with no one last night. And it started out like this: "So, I have a really serious question to ask you, and would prefer if you kept it between us. Do I seem happy to you?" I mean, this is something I legitimately want to know. If I seem happy when I'm around people. Because I'm usually not, but I try to look it. And I feel comfortable asking this person if that is the case, because really, I don't see why he would lie. Annnnnnd I'm gonna have to try harder if there are people who can tell when I'm hanging out on Sundays. Even though those are the people who would try to help. Because they are not shitty like my family. But the conversation ended with me crying, worried that they do know and that they're worried that I'll do something crazy. Even though I won't.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Sometimes things happen that make me feel like a shitty person. As I'm sure everyone at some points in their lives feel.

However, I'm sure I will move on with my life quickly.

It's scary when people tell me that they care about me. I get the strangest feelings and I can't tell if they are because of my past or good or bad feelings or what the hell is going on.

But right now I'm happy. Well, aside from cramps that hurt worse than open heart surgery sans anesthesia and having to work tomorrow night. Probably with crazy...But overall I would say I am happy with the aforementioned situation.

Now playing: Coheed & Cambria - Welcome Home
via FoxyTunes