Friday, April 02, 2010

Bears. Again.

So, as you may recall (and if you don't just click the links) my unconscious self is obsessed with bears. Dream. Another dream. I. Hate. Bears.will sum up my hatred for these fuckers in one short story that may or may not have been told on this blog at an earlier date. I was in the woods at work one day. Alone. (Why they thought this would be a good idea is beyond me.) Guys, I saw a black dot moving about half a mile down the tree line, called my boss and said “I think there is a bear out here. I want to come back.” A black dot had me in the truck, doors locked, panicking at the thought of having my head ripped off via an episode of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.”

If bears were extinct, my life would be much better. I would go jogging through the woods behind my house. I would not run to my house from my car at night. I would feel sad for all the kids that never got to see a bear in a zoo, but I would get over that quickly. Or maybe they could evolve to not have teeth? That would work too. Although, one time I was bitten by a bluegill and I don’t think that fish shouldn’t have teeth. But I guess bluegill are pretty localized and probably won’t sneak up on me when I’m walking around my house.

Regardless, I am not terrified of small fish and this was supposed to be about a dream I had about a bear. I will just say that the photography section of the dream (roughly the first ten seconds) was very realistic and I thought it was actually happening.

It starts in the computer room of my house, as most of my bear dreams do, with me looking out our giant window and then “Oh my. A bear has wandered onto our porch.” This time was no different except someone else was with me (no name, I’ll call him Boy) and told me to take pictures. My camera (in real life) has an ungodly amount of settings and so sometimes it takes me 6-8 tries to get it right. So I took two blurry ones and then the bear RAMS himself through our front door. I jump up on my dad’s computer desk and start swatting at the bear with a fly swatter. AND IT WORKS the first time and I get him out the back door. And then a giant vulture comes, and I get it locked in the bathroom. And, that’s the last of the vulture.

So, Boy & I are like “Ok, so like. WTF?” And then the bear slams its body through the window in the computer room and I just run back to my bed room and lock the door. Clearly, if he has slammed himself through two things now, he won’t do that to my bedroom window and eat me anyway…But then I’m magically not in my room but the door is still locked and the bear is outside again. Boy & I are like “Ok, well I guess we should call Animal Control. Cue glass breaking. The bear has now leapt through my bedroom window and is locked inside.

I dunno, dreams transition without much warning, so I’m outside climbing up the side of our house toward the roof. But you know, bears can climb, so it’s on one side of the thing I’m climbing and I’m on the other and when I get to the roof I jump down and run to my car. Now the bear is outside of the car looking at me. So I floor it down the road (and I can’t call AC because my cell gets no reception…why is the dream realistic in some ways, yet a bear is chasing my car down the street?) but then I run out of gas because like real life, I have about 1/8 tank. So I get out and START RUNNING DOWN THE STREET. FROM A BEAR. Wrap your head around that one. An overweight girl with DDD breasts running from an oversized black bear.

Boy appears next to me and pulls up the laptop that is attached to his belt and does this like…call Animal Control from the internet thing. Kinda like ordering pizza (which WHAT? You can order pizza without actually calling them?). And I look back to see that the bear is oddly far behind us but catching up. So. Just…I hope you’re sitting. I get on all fours and try to run like bears do, cause I assume it will make me faster. Guys, it works and I get to the store at the end of the road.

The end. See, obsessed with bears.

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