Friday, April 30, 2010

Das Boredom

So, remember that time I was completely psyched about working in Staples? That would also be the time I forgot that this Staples...is in Meadville. Because my new game is to count how many customers I have in any given hour. The answer is 12. Yes, last night I literally took a tally, sometimes while they were standing there, of how many people either bought something or returned something. And it averaged to 12/hr. Because I had 60. In 5 hours...Do you know how many people that isn't?

Sometimes I think that the measly paycheck isn't worth it. However, this last one was double the first one, so it's not like I'm gonna quit. God no, I would never quit unless something amazing happened. The list follows:

I inherit a zoo.
I'm offered a job caring for giraffes in a zoo.
I win Powerball.
K asks me to move in with him and says I never have to work.
Did I mention working in a zoo?

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Because I like to spam your email/RSS feed with my posts.

I'm currently watching The Golden Girls on youtube. It makes my life a little less dull and painful. Betty White fo' eva.

Another Rant About My Family

So, it's my Grandma's 80th Birthday this year. And apparently a few members of the family got together and decided to throw a big party and whatnot. Well, we get the email that Aunt1 has contacted the church we'd have it in and there is one available day so she booked it...just in case. And then this is a reply for Aunt2 (who really should just be codenamed another four letter word ending in "unt"): Sorry. Stacey and I can't be there that day. It's Becky baby shower.

Really. Really? "Sorr guys! Can't make it to mom's 80th birthday! Someone not related to us is having a baby!" This pisses me off because Aunt2 & S are the one's who were THERE MAKING THE PLANS FOR HER BIRTHDAY. And, oh well, its just 80. I'm sure there will be more.

On a sort of different note but still related to Cu...I mean Aunt2.
We. Were going to go to a movie. And by were, I mean that they planned this. Around April 9th. And then this Aunt2 said this "Oh, T has volleyball practice on Wednesday. So if he can find a ride, I can go." PAUSE. Because I need to explain something about this family. Aunt2 is married. To a competent driver. I'm pretty sure Aunt2 knows about 50 people who could drive him home from a volleyball practice. Hell, the boy could walk. It's really not that far. Or shit, give him some keys. He's 15, he'll figure it out. UNPAUSE. So then cousin was like "K has a make up baseball game tonight, so unless it rains...I can't go."

AND THEN. AT 9:44 PM. Aunt1 asked if we should reschedule.

This was after I canceled my plans to be with K. On the one day that he doesn't pull at 12 hour shift. THE ONE DAY. And it is currently 2 hours prior to having to be at the theater...and I have no idea if anyone is actually going to the movie. I have no idea if anyone knows if anyone is going to the movie.

**EDIT: I should point out. That the original was posted at 4:25. At 4:30 I received a call from Stacey asking if I was still going to see the movie tonight. Well paint me blue and slap me til I laugh...someone actually took control of a situation. Kudos Stacey. Kudos.

Most People

I'm sitting in front of a giant window which would look out onto our driveway if it were daytime. At this hour it's just a mirror. I don't like mirrors. My fingers are freezing. My nose is cold. We still don't have heat. I sit in front of my little space heater and wonder what being rich would feel like.

I cried on the drive home tonight, as I do many nights. Wondering what to do with everything. Am I really this 24 year old unsuccessful-with-two-degrees girl that is staring back at me from the window? I understand why I cried this time.

I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm sure most people are, but this feeling seems to be way more extreme than most people. I'm not like most people. Most people don't dream about being at work and having a customer buy soup...especially when they work in an office supplies store. Most people don't sit around wondering who the next person to hurt them will be, or how they will do it. Most people don't think about family members dying. Most people don't think everyone else matters but them. Most people...

I made eye contact with someone tonight. And normally this wouldn't be a big deal, except...I'm me. And when he looked at me, it was as if he knew something was wrong and I wanted to cry. I'm afraid my pretense of happiness is wearing off. It's stressful really, to focus on work and family and finances and friends AND a false sense of contentment...and I'm afraid, especially if Tim Gunn reads this, that I can not make it work.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I am still an option that you have...

You can see the undulations in my emotional well-being by the number of posts I have in a given period of time. I generally don't share things when I'm happy. (Unless it is an attempt at a concert or some kick-ass hand sanitizer.) And my last post was about someone else being unhappy. Which in turn made me unhappy cause I don't know how to make him not unhappy. Although it was a very concrete event that made him unhappy and it will pass. But in the interim, I really wish there was something I could do. This week is such a bad week for the two of us. Our schedules are pretty much the exact opposite. He works 7-5, I work 4-9:30. On the days I don't work, I stupidly made plans. (Stupidly? Like I could've known that I would feel the burden of trying to make someone smile.) (Also, why do I feel this burden? No one told me I have to cheer him up...and generally I just pretend like nothing is wrong.)

Then there is a whole new level of suck right now. I was using my laptop, as I do every other day at my friend's house. And then I drove home. And now the charger doesn't work. It's as if my paycheck didn't even exist. Because I had to buy a new adapter and gas. And...have about $10 left from it. Good thing it basically doubles this next week. Unfort'ly I have to wait until Friday. annnd don't work on Friday. So I have to drive the 12 miles into town to pick it up. And direct deposit needs to be done with my computer...which as we have heard, is worthless right now.

Also on the table of "wtf is going on with my life?":
A proposal of new living arrangements. Approximately 15 minutes would be shaved off my driving to work time. And...that's about the only plus side I see. I mean, no utilities, but...I don't know. There is way too much for me to think about in my life right now.

I'm bad at being an adult. I need to be a child again. With someone who can take care of me. (And this idea speaks volumes about another aspect of my life...which does not belong on this blog.)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

When someone tells me that he or she is depressed, I feel like I need to tell them that everything will eventually be ok. I want them to know that someone cares; that things can't be terrible forever. The cliches of lights at the end of tunnels, silver linings, happiness is a path not a destination, they escape my lips like I didn't even have to think about it. And I say these things with genuine hope for the person.

It's just too bad that I don't believe that it's the same for me.

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Now playing: Eddie Rabbitt - Drinking My Baby (Off My Mind)
via FoxyTunes

woohoo

Hey, remember that time I had plans for this weekend? Yeah, well...pretend like I wasn't excited about them, and that it was only mildly upsetting when they were canceled.

And now, I can go spend an hour driving/pumping gas, 4 hours standing at a register, another 45 minutes driving, and then 5 hours sitting and staring into space while getting yelled at for causing the end of the world with my cell phone usage and being told I'm condescending when I try to help someone better his youtube usage.

All in all, I think today will be a good day with the above plans, including watching it pour and canceling my weekly Sunday plans for the fourth Sunday in a row.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Going to see Third Eye Blind tonight. Hopefully K will be there, cause he said he would be. :D

I think first Mandy & I are going to Erie to look around the sex toy store.

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Now playing: Third Eye Blind - I Want You
via FoxyTunes

Friday, April 23, 2010

I Need An Analyst

I went to homecoming 2010 and while I was walking through the halls of SMC there was a giant party going on. I got to Tim's office to find him in an Hawaiian shirt, dancing to this very loud music and when he saw me, he hugged me and kissed my forehead. When that was all over, Molly & I went for a walk around the town. I noticed it was getting really cold so we went up to this house, which turned out to be Gail's (a psych professor) house. She was cleaning her carpets so she made us stand in this tiny little kitchen and we asked where her husband and daughter were. She got incredibly sad and told us to look out the window down the street.

While we watched it start snowing and the roads were turning to ice, she told us that we were lucky to not have been here before, as we would be dead. Because in a few minutes, the world would be ending again, and she would have the luck of being one of the select few across the world that didn't die. And instead got to see the whole thing happen everyday. The same thing, every single day for the rest of eternity. Including seeing her husband & daughter die.

While she was talking, the houses down the road were slowly having the power go out one at a time, which, Gail told us, meant that they were now dead. Even though we both knew there was nothing we could do, we started running. I was running through a wheat field reciting a poem about a dog, when I felt myself freeze to the ground.

(The whole time it was if I were watching this as a movie, and not as being in the dream...which is odd, because normally I'm actually in the dream, not just sitting back and watching) So, since I'm just watching this happen to myself...the next day comes, and the next, and the next, and I just keep seeing myself die over and over. Until one day, right before I'm completely dead, I say, "No. No, this is terrible. This can't be right."

As soon as I finish this thought, all the ice melts away, and aside from being slightly shaken up, everyone is fine (in the sense that they are alive). I'm running back through the field and I pass Gail's house, where she is standing with her husband and daughter, smiling. I found Molly and told her to come with me. In my head, I have concocted this plan to run to Tim and tell him that I love him; that I had the biggest sexual attraction to him while I was at Knox, etc.

On the way there, it's windy and raining and everyone is like, dancing in the rain and really excited about it. And I'm just running as fast as I can, and Molly is running behind me. And I stop dead in my tracks when I'm outside this small store. And the rain stops. And the wind stops...and I frown and say, "Well damn it. The rain would've made a perfect setting for that. Keep raining!" But the sun comes out.

I sit down on some steps that go up the side of the store, waiting for Molly to catch up and when she does, she says, "Tim isn't here..." But I can't move. I'm sitting there, staring and waiting for whatever it is that should happen, but I have no idea what it is. Everything around me becomes silent except one person, who has come out of the store and walks up the steps to stand next to me. But I'm staring at the ground because I'm afraid of who it might be. Then I get tapped on the arm with a belt and I look up really surprisedly.

To see K standing with a box of belts he just bought. And he says, "Way to ignore me. I should punish you." And I had to look away, because it was kinda funny and if he's saying that, I probably shouldn't laugh at him. But after a couple seconds I look back and say, "Um, alright."

K: Wait, really?
Me: Uh, yeah sure. Why not?
K: Nah, I couldn't do that.

And he sits down next to me. And puts his arm through mine (so they are like, locked) and starts rubbing the inside of my arm. And Molly is like "Stef, what about..." but I shoo her away. And then we started making out hardcore on the steps of this store.

*I would just like to point out, that this either revealed way too much about fetishes in my life or...makes you think I'm fucked up in the noggin. Either way, I have so many ideas about what this could mean. And I'm pissed that I woke up before knowing where this make out session was headed. Because a stupid-ass bird flew into my window and woke me up.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Summer Camps Are Evil

This is why I will never send my children to camp...

So I had this dream last night. It's a little foggy, but from what I can remember...

It starts out that a murder rampage at a camp has just ended. (Duh.) And the survivor was telling the story of how she survived and this guy (who had died I guess? it made it sound like it by the way she told this story) was like "I don't understand why I didn't make it." Her reply was, "Because you didn't pray like me."

And then, everyone disappeared except the survivor and her sister (that's me!) appeared. We started walking down the hall of the camp's dining hall when a HUGE gust of wind comes. And not like, "oh man, that was one huge gust of wind" but more like "damn, why are we all of a sudden in a wind tunnel." And the wind was so strong that my sister started flying away down the hall and grabbed onto the door frame and started screaming at me to pray. And then...

"NO! Don't take me. God, please don't let it take me! I can't go back to the Mickey Mouse club!"

(Now, if you want to stop I completely understand, but there's not much left. Cause what the hell? The Mickey Mouse club is stealing children/teenagers? Yes. Yes they are.)

Ok, so she disappears through the door frame like a tornado just sucked her out (that's what she said? maybe) and I'm left standing in the mess hall staring out the window at the lake, wide-eyed. There is a giant boulder near the shore. And on this boulder. Is a fat man...dressed like Mickey Mouse, dancing. Dancing one of those knee-slapping jig type dances.

And then it all hits me. "Of course! I remember now. The Mickey Mouse club takes the kids, molests and tortures them, and then uses brainwashing to erase it from their memories! This is a camp for them so they can finally kill them!"

I realize I said this aloud, but the fat Mickey, who is like 50 yards away and outside...hears me and turns to look at me. And we made eye contact. And like a movie, it zooms in on his face and he gives a creepy smile that implies he will murder me next. (Why next, I don't know. I am literally the only other person at the camp.)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I want to wash my car.

The person who was "training" me yesterday gave me a panic attack. That's always fun. (I use quotes because she was just supposed to like, watch me and then help me when things get strange or someone does something that isn't basic. However, if she would've said 'customer service' one more time I would've probably punched her on my way to call my manager and tell her I quit.) But I love the person who hired me and would probably just fall apart when apologizing for my lack of strength. I can't even work in an office supplies store without my anxiety reaching a level higher than Mount St. Helens.

I went out with Mandy to celebrate a birthday and on my ride home, I just had possibly the worst driving meltdown I've ever had. And that happens a lot with me. It was dark, so it was already hard to see, but when you're crying violently vision is impaired greatly. Maybe violently isn't the word for it...but it was intense and I punched the door a few times. So maybe it was violent. I don't know. Sometimes when these happen I pretend like I'm talking to the person that caused the meltdown. Most of the things I said last night would make no sense out of context, and there's no way I would ever share the whole thing; but some of the most commonly used phrases were, "I'm sorry," "It's not my fault," and "Fuck."

There are two people I had a conversation with: K and my manager. I'm not upset at my manager, because if you recall I love her. I was practicing my apology speech for quitting so soon after being hired. Which I will never give...
And I'm not upset with K; that would just be ludacris (spelling error intentional...ish). I just need to tell him things that are going to ruin everything that we have now. Which I mean, is completely fine as I can find some other scruffy guy to be attracted to. I just don't want to find another one.
If only I had a Ginny again.

I was sitting here listening to my iTunes cause our cable is STILL off and its driving me crazy - if I had money I would pay the reconnect fee (alas, I have not been paid yet...but I think they come in tomorrow?); wow what a side bar - and it seemed every song that came up was telling me what I should be doing with my emotions. Let me quote some.
  • If you love him, take a tip from me...Show him you're hot stuff (or it could be "your hot stuff" but either way...)
  • I wanna unbutton your pants just a lil bit. (fitty cent reprazent)
  • Here I am and I want to take a hit of your scent cause it bit so deep into my soul; I want you
Mostly that last one. I mean, the song is called "I Want You" and I'm going to see Third Eye Blind with the person that I want. It's fate.

Remember that time I was attracted to someone else? And it started out somewhat like this one? Only douche started hitting me randomly? And telling me how stupid I was? Yeah...I have this nagging feeling that this will turn out similarly. But I'm pretty sure that the signs point to it not happening. But you know, once bitten twice shy. So if it were a venn diagram of their similarities...OH MAN. I'm going to make one and post it. Because I'm weird like that.

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Now playing: Atmosphere - Fuck You Lucy
via FoxyTunes

Monday, April 19, 2010

I love when even the littlest things make me happy.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

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Now playing: Mariah Carey - Fantasy
via FoxyTunes

I really don't need to say much more about my night.

Friday, April 16, 2010

This Turned Into Why I Hate Purell

Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas/birthdays?! Staples gift cards!

Things I am excited about and will most likely post pictures of:
Third Eye Blind...if I can still go (love you job, but really, don't mess this up for me, kthnx)
I get my own locker at work.
The hand sanitizer I was given earlier tonight.**
I get to buy a planner so I know when to work. I haven't had one in a year!

Tomorrow I'm going to paint my grandma's living room and then hopefully get the virus removed from my computer.

I am honestly thinking of what I could keep in my locker. Clearly, the hand sanitizer and probably some Cheetos.

My boss is hilarious.

**Yeah, so I have this thing against hand sanitizer. And this is for two main reasons.
1. I HATE the smell of Purell. There was a squirter in Knox's cafeteria and I could smell when people had used it and it made me physically ill. I did not want it touching me or being near me. And this is straight-up hatred for Purell. I don't really know what other ones smell like, but if its anything like Purell, no thanks.
2. I learned that hand sanitizer can actually make you sick because it kills off good bacteria as well as the bad. Ok, over-thinking this one just a little. If someone sneezes on me, I will probably use the shit or go wash my hands. But just using a phone after someone doesn't really faze me.

But I am excited for this one because it does not smell like Purell, it smells a little like heaven. And it's called a Pocket Bac. POCKETBAC? That is so clever. It has specks of blue things in it! I love blue specks. It's conveniently transported in my bag! It's deep cleansing! But mostly I love that it doesn't smell like Purell. And more importantly it doesn't look like Purell. Cause I really hate the creepy runny yet thick texture of Purell.

And I'll be damned if my hands aren't scented like Japanese Cherry Blossom and sanitized in that picture.

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Now playing: Say Anything - Baby, I Got Your Money
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Guess who's wearing her "Pent Up Anger Pants" under the "Hungry Pants" which are just below the "Boredom Pants"!!

It's me.

Raison d'être

You'd think that being awake at 8 am in an attempt to not sleep through my training I would be asleep right now. However, I guess if you thought that, you don't know me. I don't sleep normal hours. I could have to work at 5 am and I would still be up now (at 12:17 am) sitting on facebook waiting for someone to update a status that I can like. Or mock. Cause you know, that's me.

Background info before you continue. Rae & I communicate via gmail all day (when I'm awake) because gchat is blocked at her office sometimes. Ken's wife (separated for 2 years) really did get re-engaged to someone else. And Ken learned this through an obituary.

So I had this dream on like...Saturday night: Rae emailed me one day and it was a link. So I clicked the link and it took me to a news article that my friend Ken had committed suicide. The obituary said that he had left a note explaining that the stress of his wife's announcement of remarriage was too much for him. I literally just at my computer trying to come up with some way to prove that they had the wrong Ken. I went as far as saying that the middle initial was wrong. (I actually have no knowledge of his middle initial in real life.)

Cut to real life: No one has heard from him since Saturday night (prior to me sleeping...cause I was there when someone talked to him on the phone). I know of at least two messages left on his phone. And I guess he just hasn't been stopping by peoples' houses like normal. I'm not saying that my dreams are prophetic or anything, but I know of at least three instances where my dreams did come true. (Four if you count working with office supplies!) On a more serious note...I am legitimately worried. And yes it has everything to do with my newfound emotional attachment to him. Really, he is my raison d'être at the moment and damn it, it sucks.

Emotional attachment like woah@knox.edu. (Complete inside joke...with no one who reads this probably. I don't even remember all the people in on it.)

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Now playing: Regina Spektor - Apres Moi
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Welcome To Adulthood

That makes it sound like I hit puberty last night or something...

Anywho. So it begins. Money. Will. Be. Mine. And I can actually pay a bill or afford pants or something. To decode: I now work at Ye Olde Staples. And I have to say. I LOVE STAPLES. I am in no way trying to avoid a 2birds1blog scandal by sucking up. I love love LOVE office supplies. Guess what's in my desk drawer. I'll wait.

The answer is: three boxes of paper clips, seven different stacks of post-its, 15 sharpies, 24 binder clips, 3 rolls of tape, 3 pairs of scissors, a three hole punch, a stapler and ironically ZERO staples.

Now guess how many of these things I actually use. The answer is: almost none. I have on sharpie that I use to cross off days on my calendar, which is usually about a week behind. And I have 1 post-it that just gets a number crossed off every day with a time to harvest my Farmville stuff. Judge, I care not.

Back to my new life as an adult. Yes, I have to wear a name tag that was made with a label maker, but what job haven't I had where that applied? And sweartoGod real question I just asked my cousin: Should I shower before work?
I have two reasons that I ask this. 1. My last job (at Knox) was with animals and when not with animals it was at 8 am. No, I did not shower before attending lab thank you. 2. I'm not dirty. Like, the most strenuous thing I've done lately that would cause sweat is walk to the toilet.

I guess I have to sleep at night now. And not 6am - 3 pm. That kind of messes with things. Since it has taken me like an hour to write this, I have to stop and get ready. YAY JOB. It only took 10 months! Win?

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Fungus Among Us

Sometimes I feel like a mushroom. Because I have to live under a huge pile of shit. Here are the reasons that I am a mushroom right now:

1. I'm so done with trying to do this whole family thing. I don't care if we have an Easter or a Christmas or a fucking birthday party ever again. I don't understand how one group of people can have such FUCKING awful communication skills. "I'll see you Sunday" does not translate into "Unless I cancel for some reason and tell everyone in the family except like 2 people." Well here it is Sunday. I canceled OTHER fucking plans to go to this Post-Easter Easter celebration. I spent three hours buying and stuffing your childrens' eggs. I don't even want to fucking know what your fucking excuse is for fucking canceling. You could've told us. I wouldn't be pissed. Well, as pissed.

2. I try to care about other people's problems. However, every couple weeks/months I get a ton of problems of my own and then don't care about anything else that happens to anyone else. I don't even care if good things happen to you. In fact, that makes things worse, because when good things happen to you & bad things happen to me, I am just reminded that I don't matter in the grand scheme of things. The universe obviously has plans for you and not me.

3. The ending note of 2 brings me to 3. I really enjoy listening to people be told how much better they are than me. And by really enjoy, I mean it in the sense that I would really enjoy being stabbed with a spoon until it broke skin and scooped my heart out. But really, why would someone start a convo in front of me about amazing job prospects for someone with the same degree as me and how amazing this person is, how smart, how promising her future is? IN FRONT OF ME? Oh wait, I forgot. I don't try hard enough. That's why I'm unemployed. It has nothing to do with the lack of jobs or economic distress in the US or the fact that no one wants to hire people with degrees. No. I must be the problem.

4. Speaking of degrees. Going to college may be the most pointless fucking thing on this whole damn planet. Just sayin.

5. I wish that anyone I fell in love with would love me back. Ever. This also ties into #2. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be the last of my friends to find someone to love. If that ever happens. And I hate hearing the "Oh, you'll find someone" spiel, because seriously, don't even bullshit with me. You don't know that. You literally do. not. know.

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Now playing: Her Space Holiday - Meet The Pressure
via FoxyTunes
There is a fucking mosquito in my room. And I am too drunk to accurately kill it. This pisses me off more than anything else right now.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

UGH pt. 2

~If I were a filing cabinet, I would not only be one of those that stick and you have to force open, but also a jumbled mess of empty promises, unfinished thoughts, broken friendships, blatant lies and shit.

~I have an unhealthy obsession with cows. Well I guess it's not that unhealthy since I don't have a sexual attraction to them. But really, they are probably my favorite domesticated animal. Lies. Goats are. A minor detail. I secretly wish the neighbors would get more (they have 2) so I can play with them. I love when they escape and lick my hands. I love cows. There, I said it. I love the seemingly blank stares they have when you try to convince them that breaking out of their fence was a stupid thing.

~I am currently blogging from my porch. There is a giant cardboard tube next to me to beat off the wood bees. I normally would not be in the habit of killing such harmless creatures if I did not live in log cabin. If you couldn't tell by the name, wood bees eat wood. Thus, they drill little holes in our house and slowly consume it. No me gusta. (I don't even know if that is right. I took French & German...) They are either fighting or mating. Either way they are flying near my head in loudly buzzing clumps. I do not enjoy this especially after an incident that occurred roughly 4 minutes ago. One got stuck in my hair. Stuck. In. My. Hair.

~I think my back is getting sunburnt right now, but my battery has about 50 minutes left and quite frankly blasting awful music from my porch in the 85 degree weather is too enjoyable for me to care. I'll just get some aloe. This particular bullet made me think back to the chapter in my German book about the beach. Sonnenbrand. Ah, German, how I miss thee.

~So, every time I find someone I am sexually attracted to (cows aside), it ends up in the "shit" folder of the filing cabinet that is me. Oh sorry you like me, but I think you should kill yourself. Oh sorry, but I'm married. (x2, don't judge). And I'm thinking this latest one needs to get his divorce papers all signed and shit so she can get the fuck out the picture with her new husband (I shit you not, she is already engaged and they are still married)
. I promise to be a great step-mother for the time that we are getting it on. And hey, if he wants to go to Amsterdam & Greece with me next year, I'll totally join the mile high club. It's more of a question of "when?" than anything else.

~I thought I missed Knox. Really I just miss having lots of friends around.

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Now playing: Ani DiFranco - Rock Paper Scissors
via FoxyTunes

Monday, April 05, 2010

I feel like sometimes my dream self isn't even good at trying to hide what my unconscious is saying. Like, in my dream last night I got home in time to see someone pulling out of the driveway and parking across the street at her business. The other people in the apartment were like "She was looking for you. Sucks that you just missed her." Now, I could've just walked across the street, but instead I stood in the window watching her not know I was around. And then I finally put on my jacket to walk over there and when I got down the stairs and to the door her car was gone. And I was extremely sad and pissed at myself.

I can't tell if it is my experience with Tim & his dream magic or not but the sheer obviousness of what this dream is about...it makes me depressed as hell in my waking life. Is it because of my past with the woman in the dream? I want to know why she was looking for me. I spent countless moments of my waking life looking for her. In stores, on the street, the internet, on campus...just to tell her something that I was too afraid to tell her when I was actually with her. (Ok, side note: I'm not a stalker.)

My brain should just one night be like "Ok, so. I know you need her, but she's gone. So fucking find someone else." That would be the whole dream. Just a talking brain. And a depressed me standing mouth agape as the brain fades away slowly.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Ursus americanus be dead!

Ok, so I may have prompted myself to have this dream with all the talk of bears in my last blog entry. However, when you have an all star cast featuring Celia & Doug from Weeds...

So the dream really isn't all that spectac, so I'll just sum it up. I'm at a camp ground that has two sections, one a regular cabiny area, the other is a canyonesque thing which is more rustic. Whomever I was with was like "Um, yeah let's go to the canyon section!" So we packed up the car and Celia drove it to the canyon while I decided to walk. I was on my way up this small hill when I saw some little puppies. Which upon further inspection turn out to be five bear cubs. So I haul my ass back down the hill and into the cabin. Where there are like twenty other people wondering how they will get to the canyon. Apparently the people in the canyon car with Celia are Heather (my psych prof), Molly & Maddi. So I call Heather and she yells at me for not being in the canyon and when I tell her to come back she's like "You are the ones who wanted to be over here. You get over here!" And hangs up on me. I'm shaking like Michael J. Fox and thus can not text (too soon?) coherent messages to Maddi or Molly. But I finally talk to one of them and I just say "BEARS."

"Well, why don't you guys just drive over here...they won't get in the car."

uh, duh? So Doug is like "I'll distract them!" So he's playing in the street trying to get the bear to attack him while the rest of us start to drive to the canyon. But when we've finally got it all settled, Celia and the rest come back. The end.

So, here's the thing. There wasn't just like a bunch of tiny little bear cubs flipping me out. Shit son, I would pet them. I would kidnap their asses and raise them as my own flesh & blood. Welcome to Easter dinner my little ones! But my dream self had a brain this time, and was like "Cubs = mom...and bears only ever have like 2 babies. Never 5. There are at least two bear moms who will eat me." I saw one, but assumed that BearMomsub2 was chillin on the other end of the little thicket they were in and they would wrangle me into their death trap together.

COME ON PEOPLE! The grizzly bear's scientific name is Ursus arctos horribilis. It's got the horrible right in it...

Saturday, April 03, 2010

smells

I think it's crazy how scents affect memory.

I first heard this crazy idea on Dharma & Greg and thought it was just a funny plot thing. However, I bought some deodorant that I had used while in Germany (2004) and I honestly remembered being in my granparents' apartment when I used it. It was strange. And then last night someone was burning Nag Champa and I felt like I was back at my boss's house from the refuge playing Scrabble. It was crazy cool.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Bears. Again.

So, as you may recall (and if you don't just click the links) my unconscious self is obsessed with bears. Dream. Another dream. I. Hate. Bears.will sum up my hatred for these fuckers in one short story that may or may not have been told on this blog at an earlier date. I was in the woods at work one day. Alone. (Why they thought this would be a good idea is beyond me.) Guys, I saw a black dot moving about half a mile down the tree line, called my boss and said “I think there is a bear out here. I want to come back.” A black dot had me in the truck, doors locked, panicking at the thought of having my head ripped off via an episode of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.”

If bears were extinct, my life would be much better. I would go jogging through the woods behind my house. I would not run to my house from my car at night. I would feel sad for all the kids that never got to see a bear in a zoo, but I would get over that quickly. Or maybe they could evolve to not have teeth? That would work too. Although, one time I was bitten by a bluegill and I don’t think that fish shouldn’t have teeth. But I guess bluegill are pretty localized and probably won’t sneak up on me when I’m walking around my house.

Regardless, I am not terrified of small fish and this was supposed to be about a dream I had about a bear. I will just say that the photography section of the dream (roughly the first ten seconds) was very realistic and I thought it was actually happening.

It starts in the computer room of my house, as most of my bear dreams do, with me looking out our giant window and then “Oh my. A bear has wandered onto our porch.” This time was no different except someone else was with me (no name, I’ll call him Boy) and told me to take pictures. My camera (in real life) has an ungodly amount of settings and so sometimes it takes me 6-8 tries to get it right. So I took two blurry ones and then the bear RAMS himself through our front door. I jump up on my dad’s computer desk and start swatting at the bear with a fly swatter. AND IT WORKS the first time and I get him out the back door. And then a giant vulture comes, and I get it locked in the bathroom. And, that’s the last of the vulture.

So, Boy & I are like “Ok, so like. WTF?” And then the bear slams its body through the window in the computer room and I just run back to my bed room and lock the door. Clearly, if he has slammed himself through two things now, he won’t do that to my bedroom window and eat me anyway…But then I’m magically not in my room but the door is still locked and the bear is outside again. Boy & I are like “Ok, well I guess we should call Animal Control. Cue glass breaking. The bear has now leapt through my bedroom window and is locked inside.

I dunno, dreams transition without much warning, so I’m outside climbing up the side of our house toward the roof. But you know, bears can climb, so it’s on one side of the thing I’m climbing and I’m on the other and when I get to the roof I jump down and run to my car. Now the bear is outside of the car looking at me. So I floor it down the road (and I can’t call AC because my cell gets no reception…why is the dream realistic in some ways, yet a bear is chasing my car down the street?) but then I run out of gas because like real life, I have about 1/8 tank. So I get out and START RUNNING DOWN THE STREET. FROM A BEAR. Wrap your head around that one. An overweight girl with DDD breasts running from an oversized black bear.

Boy appears next to me and pulls up the laptop that is attached to his belt and does this like…call Animal Control from the internet thing. Kinda like ordering pizza (which WHAT? You can order pizza without actually calling them?). And I look back to see that the bear is oddly far behind us but catching up. So. Just…I hope you’re sitting. I get on all fours and try to run like bears do, cause I assume it will make me faster. Guys, it works and I get to the store at the end of the road.

The end. See, obsessed with bears.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Am I The Only One?

Who has ever woken up still groggy but needs to pee really badly...so you just kinda stumble into the bathroom and sit down to find that your ass is now freezing cause you never opened the toilet?

Who has legitimately burnt four different body parts with boiling oil in the course of making one meal of pierogies? Here, I'll list them: Arm, finger, face, breast. And yes, I was wearing a shirt.

Who thinks that talking on the phone while peeing is completely legit?

Who thinks it's weird that 2/3 of the last ones were about peeing? (And that I actually had a tag "pee" before this post?)

Anyway, there is a legit "my life is so terrible that I have a blog about how terrible it is" post coming soon. But APPARENTLY some people (read: aaryn & amanda) have issues with my editing skills, so I'll have to actually edit it. All because in my list of things on my mind recently I put murder at #4 instead of #1.


*My apologies if that is some sort of copyright issue with Melissa Peterman's stand up...It's a legit question.