Monday, March 29, 2010

UGH pt.1

***Originally written on 3.29, but I never published. Oops.

Sometimes I get nervous blogging about/telling people how I really feel. Mostly because Robbie the douche-bag told me to kill myself when I actually opened up. Mainly that was because he was transferring his own inadequacies at life onto me, but also because he's a douche-bag. And with blogging you never know which asshat out in cyberspace will read it and judge me. You would think that with the opening I would blog about how I really feel.

Well, why in hell would I do that? So more people can tell me that thinking about my own mental health is selfish? So they can tell me that my opinions are wrong, how stupid I am, or why I'm not helping myself by "not trying"? Apparently I don't know the meaning of try...

But anyway. I realized I lived in a hole long ago. I mean, 90% of my family still lives in the same town that they grew up in. Five percent of the rest is moving closer, and the other five is basically alienated from our family, and both sides seem completely ok with the fact that they never see each other. I don't want to live here. But I don't want to leave.

Even though every relationship I have here is either going to go nowhere new or end because the other person leaves. Not leaves me...leaves the area. I can't afford, nor do I want, to drive 30-40 miles just to visit someone for a few hours. I don't really sleep other places, so I would obviously want to drive home.

I might as well give up on my current sexual adventure. I don't want to deal with comments about it. "Oh, he has a son?" Yes, actually he does. And he's a great dad, so stfu. His past has nothing to do with the fact that if his penis walked into this room, I would be on it like white on rice. I didn't realize that I needed everyone else's approval before my own on who to hang out with. Maybe I'll just become a lesbian. That way my family can treat me like more a waste because I'm not married with kids yet.

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Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - Long Division
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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - I Love You
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1 comment:

Tasha said...

I think you should go after him. A child, when you are in your twenties and I am presuming he is single, is a silly reason not to go after someone when you really want them. Especially if he is a good dad. Maybe that means he'll be nice to you too, which is important.