Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Couple Things

1. It surprises me when my family asks me why I haven't done things that I didn't know I was supposed to do. Well, actually, it shouldn't surprise me...because this happens all the time. The most recent was a facebook message from my aunt asking me what was going on with the Easter egg hunt since she hadn't heard a date from me...Um, what now? I didn't know that I was in charge of gathering the family. I don't even have kids. I offered because I knew she was really busy with work and stuff. I could care less if they get candy or not.

I also like when they ask me to take grandma to her doctor's appointments because "What else could you possibly have to do?" There are two things wrong with this. 1. Maybe I'm looking for a job...It's not like I can just afford the gas to drive her all over northwest PA. Or maybe I'm actually working at the garden and can't pull myself away from the poor little strawberries that need my love. 2. She is completely capable of driving herself.

2. I'm still pissed at Knox for making their campus so unsafe that I have a broken kneecap. Like, really. I would like to walk down the street or ride my bike without having to come home and drown it in pain relieving cream.

3. I think I'm a smoker now? I dunno. I just smoked a cigarette. My third of the week. Oh well. Maybe people (read: family) should stop stressing me out.

4. Apparently my mom's neighbor and his dog were murdered last night or sometime yesterday...

Monday, March 29, 2010

UGH pt.1

***Originally written on 3.29, but I never published. Oops.

Sometimes I get nervous blogging about/telling people how I really feel. Mostly because Robbie the douche-bag told me to kill myself when I actually opened up. Mainly that was because he was transferring his own inadequacies at life onto me, but also because he's a douche-bag. And with blogging you never know which asshat out in cyberspace will read it and judge me. You would think that with the opening I would blog about how I really feel.

Well, why in hell would I do that? So more people can tell me that thinking about my own mental health is selfish? So they can tell me that my opinions are wrong, how stupid I am, or why I'm not helping myself by "not trying"? Apparently I don't know the meaning of try...

But anyway. I realized I lived in a hole long ago. I mean, 90% of my family still lives in the same town that they grew up in. Five percent of the rest is moving closer, and the other five is basically alienated from our family, and both sides seem completely ok with the fact that they never see each other. I don't want to live here. But I don't want to leave.

Even though every relationship I have here is either going to go nowhere new or end because the other person leaves. Not leaves me...leaves the area. I can't afford, nor do I want, to drive 30-40 miles just to visit someone for a few hours. I don't really sleep other places, so I would obviously want to drive home.

I might as well give up on my current sexual adventure. I don't want to deal with comments about it. "Oh, he has a son?" Yes, actually he does. And he's a great dad, so stfu. His past has nothing to do with the fact that if his penis walked into this room, I would be on it like white on rice. I didn't realize that I needed everyone else's approval before my own on who to hang out with. Maybe I'll just become a lesbian. That way my family can treat me like more a waste because I'm not married with kids yet.

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Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - Long Division
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - I Love You
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, March 27, 2010

blah

OMG! I forgot to blog about my cousin moving to Cleveland! Cause she got a new job! Doing the exact same thing she does now only 6 hours closer to us! EEE! Not to mention I love her child (see previous link) and her husband. AND CLEVELAND.

Hopefully I get to go to the Paramore concert in August in Cleveland. I'm hoping Aaryn's mom will buy my ticket with hers & Aaryn's and then I can pay her back later. *fingers crossed*

If I weren't completely terrified of traffic and cities and noise at night, I would consider living there.

Germany...so close.

I started buying clothes for Germany, and I'm SO pumped. Apparently my color this season is green. I bought three green shirts and a black skirt.

I'm cleaning out my closet/room and going through all my clothes and saying things like "Taking this to Germany!" and "Outer Banks here I come!" It's pretty much the most exciting thing in my life right now.

Zelienople

Once upon a time Mandy asked Stef if she wanted to go to Pittsburgh to see a mutual friend. Stef debated over this for the next twelve hours. She didn't really have money to spend, and due to recent events was afraid that she was too depressed to have any fun. However, she packed some stuff into a bag, grabbed some blankets from her mother's house and drove into town to meet up with Mandy.

Now, Stef thought they were going to leave at four, but it turns out Mandy's boss wanted to show her youtube videos and talk lengths about Mandy's future careers. That's fine, because everyone needs a job, but Stef was getting tired and was rethinking the entire trip. Not because of Mandy, but because she was falling asleep playing Bejeweled Blitz on facebook. Around six p.m. they headed to Wendy's to pick up some dinner. While in Wendy's the sixteen year old trainee took about twenty minutes to take their orders. So at six thirty, they pulled out of the parking lot and headed south to Pittsburgh.

Mandy informed Stef that they were going to stop by Slippery Rock and pick up Kelly, who was going to surprise Christopher with her visit. Everything was going well; they found Slippery Rock and the dorm. Kelly got in the car and they headed back onto the interstate. After a few miles and annoying directions from the British GPS guy, a warning popped up on the dashboard that said "power steering." They finally found an exit that looked half-decent (ie: no murderers) and pulled into a gas station.

At said gas station, they intended to buy some fluid and just pour it in and be on their merry way. However, Mandy had purchased an electronic engine car, leaving them with no place to pour any fluid. They sat in the car talking to various mechanics and waiting for someone to drive the hour and a half to Zelienople to pick them up. One mechanic suggested they just turn the car back on and that worked long enough to get them back onto the interstate. Only this time they were going north.

While they toyed with the idea of dropping Kelly off in Slippery Rock and getting picked up there, Kelly got ahold of a friend to stay with and they ended up just driving until the need to urinate got the better of them. They found a "quaint" little rest area fifteen minutes from their exit and sat waiting for Erin to come pick them up/fix the car. They sat in the rest area for nearly two hours before Erin came to get them because Erin messed up in getting there and drove in the opposite direction for awhile.

They finally got someone to drive the car back home and the three of them went hungry and tired to Wendy's in Stef's car. The end.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I would tell you that everything is fine. And I would be lying.

I guess my Sundays are free from now on. Thank god; I was sick of having fun.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Ursula K. LeGuin
Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made - like bread, remade all the time, made new.

I want to make bread.
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Now playing: Hootie and the Blowfish - Let Her Cry
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Who's Ready...

For another checklist of fun things Stef has done? YOU ARE!

Find swimsuit for summer o' fun two - check!
Purchase waterproof camera for pictures IN the Atlantic Ocean - check!
Matching flip flops for swimsuit - check!
Help mother get passport for Germany - check!
Eat Chinese food two days in a row - check!
Find something to do on a Friday night - check!
Slam finger in car door - check!
Spend Friday night holding beer cans to my swollen finger trying not to cry out in pain while playing with an adorable Husky puppy - check!
Learn the chug-crush-punch method of disposing of beer cans - check!
Learn that punching a beer can with a potentially broken finger is a stupid idea - check!

I promise these will not be the only thing I blog about from now on.
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Now playing: Tori Amos - Sort of a Fairy Tale
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Check!

Do three loads of laundry - check!
Clear mom's yard of sticks - check!
Take lawn furniture to dumpster - check!
Dispose of six bags of mother's garbage - check!
Stack about 50 logs of firewood - check!
Put about twenty miles on the golf cart - check!
Schedule job interview for tomorrow - check!
Have creepy drunk man rub shoulders and neck - check!
Have not-creepy man rub my knee and shoulders - CHECK!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

garg

I've been angry, but I'm not really sure why.

And when I'm angry, I try to think of reasons why I would be angry, and then I think of things I wasn't thinking about that in the end, only make me angrier.

I'm angry that Audra's bunny died tonight. I fucking loved that rabbit. She fucking loved that rabbit like it was her kid. I'm upset that she lost something she loved so much.

I'm angry that I tried to cry today, because I'm upset about everything but nothing, but I can't. I can't seem to be physically upset. I would love to throw shit, break shit, or even just fucking cry. But no, I'm just thinking about crying and it's not working.

I'm angry that I don't know why I woke up angry.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

It's Always Sunny In BFE.

I'm fighting off S.A.D. one open curtain at a time. (And a mile bike ride.)

Also, every time I do some sort of exercise with my knees (walking, jogging, cycling, breathing) I get closer to suing Knox for breaking my kneecap. *Side note: this conjured up an image of some guy with a bat beating my kneecap figure skater style until it broke.* I don't understand how a college campus can't just put salt (or, since Knox thinks it is so 'green', sand) down so I don't hurt myself.

Sorry if you thought there would be a reference to Sweet Dee or Charlie, but alas, this is not Philadelphia.
I managed to find an Olivia Newton-John song auf Deutsch. My life is complete. Well, it was complete when I purchased Precious on DVD, but this made it extra complete.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

No Spoilers, I Promise

So, spring has sprung here in BFE and this means I will feel more comfortable leaving my house to do things because I know I won't skid off the road into a tree or embankment and die. However, this also means that there are all sorts of fun creatures out. Last night, a poor little opossum almost met his end, but he was lucky that I had not hit top speed and my brakes work like magic. Plus, I probably would've swerved into an embankment or tree in order to not kill him.

Also, this nice weather has brought out the crows. Much earlier than they used to come out. And I swear, I was about to get out of bed and slit one's throat because he would not SHUT THE HELL UP. I think he was outside my window, or ON IT somehow, because really...so loud and so annoying. I don't even like the sound when I'm awake, let alone when I have a headache and trying to sleep.

I had a dream about Sonja last night for the first time in awhile. Only this one was not nearly as long, confusing, and fucked up as usual. Here's the whole dream: She was standing at the front of a classroom, answering questions about her newborn. Wearing boots made from pink shag carpeting.

Now, on to the point of today's post: Alice In Wonderland (2D because 3D makes me want to vomit)

Reason why there are no spoilers: Nothing new happens, if you saw the Disney one or read the books, you know what happens. Just turn down the lighting on your TV when you watch the Disney or the live-action from YEARS ago (1985 with Natalie Gregory) and pretend like the Mad Hatter has so much of a forced lisp that you can barely understand him. Also, the Red Queen...I don't know what they told her to speak like, but I would say she has no diction; I couldn't recount at least 65% of what she said.

Also, the theater I was in was incredibly loud. Even for a theater, so my ears were bleeding by the time the plot appeared, so I may have missed something that made it worth seeing. Regardless of the volume (and fact that the screen kept going blank randomly...stupid theater), I wouldn't say the climax was really a climax, seeing as how they tell you what will happen about two minutes after she falls down the hole. There is a huge lack of painting the roses red, which, let's face it, is everyone's favorite part of the Disney version.

Props for casting though: Alan Rickman plays the caterpillar. And I LOVE SNAPE. I love him in everything he's in. Galaxy Quest anyone? Yeah. Thought so.

Definitely not a movie I would see again, especially not for $6 and a free popcorn like last night. I mean, free popcorn (insert thumbs up here), but it didn't really have me leave with any feeling other than "So what should we do now?" Usually I like to discuss elements or talk about a viewing party when it comes to DVD (ie: PRECIOUS! Bought the last copy at Wal-Mart, popped in an X-Box and cried with my friends).

Monday, March 08, 2010

Fuck. Wow.

Once again the developers of World of Warcraft can go fuck themselves. And btw: they owe me at least $15 for the gas I fucking wasted driving into town and back, because the players canceled on me for the second day in a row...when I got to the house.

Friday, March 05, 2010

REWIND!

This story is angering. Just a warning. I'm sorry that I've been rambling on about things that have happened in the last two days. lol. This probably doesn't even need to be read by you.

So, I'm sure you hear this everyday, but I forgot to talk about Racist McBigot that rode down here with us. Ok, whatever, if you're racist, then be racist, but have some tact. It's the same with religion and politics...Don't talk about your beliefs like they are the right ones and I won't show you why you're wrong. (I kid, I just probably don't agree with you if it's being brought up...if you don't approve of abortions and gay marriages, don't get them.)

However, abortions & gay marriages are things you can avoid pretty easily and without much effort. Then there are the blacks, which, since they are people, happen to be everywhere. Regardless of how much you dislike them for whatever archaic reason. (No, I refuse to say African Americans, because believe it or not, just because HUNDREDS of years ago someone in your blood line came from Africa, it does not mean you are AfAm. Just like I know someone who is legit from Africa who is white. So get off your high horse if you have a problem with what I call races. On that note, I am not Caucasian. I did not come from Caucus. I am German and I am white. Thank you.)

Completely off topic, I am completely wired off Pepsi Max cause they came out with a new flavor and I just had to try it. I will be woken up in like 3-4 hours by Toddler so I can go walk for hours and then probably fall asleep before dinner. So if I'm incoherent, it's that. My apologies. I'm also spacing out into Planet Earth every couple seconds.

So anyway, I'm going to back up to about 4 years ago when I was interning at the Refuge. Kymi started a few days after me. We were the only people under 40 there and thus decided to start hanging out and shit. We both started in May, and sometime in July or so, she told me that people in Meadville were making comments about her being Asian. I remember this moment. Mostly because, yes I knew she was Asian, but I didn't think about her as Asian. I thought of her as Kymi. I didn't really notice, I guess. Like, it's one of those moments where you're like "Hmm, she's Asian. I wonder if she likes rap." Or even "Oh, a brunette. What's up? Let's go hang out." You know? Maybe you don't. I can't really express how awkward I felt that someone would actually be like "Um, you're totally different than me cause you're Asian!"

Regardless, Racist McBigot. Ok. So, I honestly have no idea why we were talking about this. But, she was telling a story about Florida and she was there so long ago that the bathrooms were segregated. (Now, a normal person would just stop and move on to some other Florida story or bathroom story or whatever in God's name we were discussing...R McB is not normal) "Yeah, you know that D.P. was raised by the coloreds." long pause "He still turned out allright."

TIME OUT. Are you serious? First off, coloreds? Second, did you really just imply that black people can't raise children? TIME IN. This turned to several comments about this DP's lips black and they are not the right color. AND THEN, I swear to you, she went down a list of people who "probably got some colored in their blood" cause they have tan skin. I...I dunno. I just don't understand how someone is like "Yeah, that person is not as bleach white as me...must be a colored slept with her relatives." Nothing to do with melanin or...DNA or anything logical. Later on, my aunt (if you know me, you know my hair is curlier than curly fries...my aunt shares this gene, only worse) got out to pump gas and when she got back in, there were comments made about her "colored folk" hair. I wanted to get out of the car. Oh, she also told some story about how they went to a rest stop and there were black people there so they got back in their car and drove til they found "a white rest stop" and "you just never know what you'll find when they don't warn you."

It hurts me that I'm not making these quotes up. Her husband, RIP...I have one memory of him. It's a fucking doozy of a tale. Aesop would have fun drawing it. I swear to you, I am in no way making this up. It was at at picnic and, although I was probably 8, I seriously looked at him and walked away. I have remembered this story for so long for no reason other than thinking about how angry I was by it. (I might also add there weren't any non-whites at my first school, so I have no idea why I was so affected by it.)

"So, this *expletive* steps into the street aways up. So I stepped on the gas and swerved trying to hit him." PS: expletive is something I refuse to ever say, because I find it the most offensive word possible. not even joking.

Um. Why do people like you exist? Sometimes, I honestly don't understand how people think. It angers me that people think this way. And I'm pretty open minded about people's beliefs. Unless you start acting all whack. Racist McBigot, I do not look forward to another 8 hour car ride with you. Unless you don't speak.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

Yup, you guessed it, I'm in the Old Dominion! Good ol' Virginia. Hanging out in colonial Williamsburg. And by colonial Williamsburg, I mean I have no idea where all this colonial stuff is. Like, it is so not-colonial where I am, that...well it was a fail statement from the start. I digress.

I don't think I have seen a house that wasn't in one of those little suburban developments, including the house I'm staying in, but some of them take it to the extreme. I have two examples of this: the first is a development with a guy sitting in a little booth letting people in; the second is one with a bar that only goes up when you swipe in. Those are taking security to a whole new level. SIDE STORY! My mom lived in Florida for a couple (read: five) years working as a landscaper for a retirement community. She had to swipe in. And I defend this because they had like, a mini country club thing in the center (pool, shuffleboard, a dining area, etc). I would not really want wackies coming in and using my pool. Side story within the side story! There were alligators there. I have pictures cause I visited. And my mom was told to catch one and remove it from the pond. She and some others did. END BOTH SIDE STORIES. But yeah, having a brinks security system is all sweet and shit, but when you need to pay for a guy to sit and let people in/out...crazy.

Why am I here? Well, as some of you faithful readers already know, I'm helping babysit my cousin's toddler (T). I've been referring to him as a baby, but as he can now walk & feed himself, I have to switch. He will become "kid" when he learns how to say more than ball, juice, and cow. But he is so incredibly adorable. He's always smiling, and if he starts getting into his cranky pants, if you look away he'll stop in a timely fashion. It's kind of crazy how smart he is, and what he picks up on. A waitress said "your belly's gonna get full" and he lifted up his shirt and showed everyone at Bob Evan's his belly.

He has this annoying as FUCK toy...His name is Scout. Let me tell you about Scout. First off, if you have never experienced a leapfrog product, you do not understand how annoying these things sound. I don't know how they find the voice for these...Anyway, I'm going to be 24 in roughly three months. I have literally been singing "If you're happy and you know it bark with me" and the song where it spells his name for two days. Regardless of how much I hate this thing, T goes through the paws looking for the right color. He likes the pink one and the green one. He also knows how many times he has to press the button between little sayings or songs to get to the one he wants. This however, also means I get to listen to the same 4 more often cause there are less to go through. But mostly, my favorite thing was that it was getting to be lunch time, but we weren't in a place to stop, so for like half an hour he kept playing the "I'm feeling hungry. May I please have a snack?" And we were finally like, "Oh shit, I bet he's hungry." Don't you feel stupid when the kid is basically saying "GIVE ME FOOD" and you're like "oh, ha...that's clever! but you have to wait for us to catch on."

Seriously, go to Wal-Mart (or Target or whatever mass merchandiser is nearby), find this Scout, press the buttons. Now repeat for five hours and you have my car ride to Virginia.

T has the life, man, he just sleeps about 14 hours a day, eats for about 2, and then just hangs out the rest of the time. Great, cause I don't have to make sure he's not breaking something or trying to eat cat food. But really, you can't leave the house. You can't...do anything. We've been watching a lot of American Idol (thank you DVR) and I finally got internet from the neighbors so I can check my Farmville and upload photos.

So yeah, it's been nice here. There is no snow on the ground. It's supposed to hit 53 tomorrow. We're gonna go to the Outlets. I'm hoping for a pair of jeans and some shot glasses or some sort of souvenir to be like "Yeah bitchez I went on vacation!" We're gonna eat at Friday's, which I am super stoked about. I have been craving it for weeks now and we don't have one in the backwoods where I comes from. I have two memories of Friday's: one was in our Hotel when Molly, Seth, Maddi & I went to Minnesota for a conference & we saw Margaret Cho (hello free stuff cause my college is cool like that) AND upon doing a google search, that was actually Applebee's. But I thought it was Friday's, so... The second memory is going with Rae & Ian and having some sort of salad cause we were doing Atkins at the time. All I know is, I want me some fucking goodass food. I mean, my aunt is a great cook and all. But I'm on vacation, so I feel like I should be indulging my taste buds. Also, I hear there is an Aquarium, but I guess that should wait for next time. EVEN THOUGH! They might be moving soon.

Which would ruin my chances of seeing this colonial crap for the sake of saying "Yeah, I've been there" and the Aquarium. Hmm, I wonder if my aunt would trust me with her car, lol. Cause I would totally go alone if she didn't want to haul T over there. He is so fussy with his coat in the car seat. Yeah, ok. Long post. Time to update my Facebook's "Where Have You Been" even though I've been here before.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Nursing

Facebook really wants me to become a nurse. I really do not want to become a nurse.

One of the ads today was: Did you know most Nurses are born between June 22nd and July 22nd? Get matched to a Nursing school today! Aid Available!

And even if this were true, which none of the nurses I know have birthdays in that time span so I'm doubtful, my birthday is in May. Although, I have considered becoming a nurse just so I can get a job. But really, nothing about nursing appeals to me.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Here It Is! My Novel (pt. 2)

Well, I lied. I didn't realize that Chapter 1 had not much left. I guess you'd want to know what happens with that whole suicide thing. I suck at this.

Chapter 1, continued:

Olivia woke up in a hospital bed, the bright florescent lights hurting her eyes. She had no idea why she was in a hospital, with only faint memories of a knife and knocking. She thought there might have also been some flashing red lights, but wasn’t quite sure. She suddenly felt an IV in her left hand, and lifted it, wondering what could’ve happened. The door opened and a nurse popped her head in. Olivia noticed that she couldn’t be more than twenty four.

“Hey there Miss Miller, you’re awake! How are you feeling?” The nurse cheerfully asked, like they weren’t even in a hospital, but rather a sorority house.

“I feel fine,” she answered. She wanted to ask this nurse why she was in a hospital, but she didn’t have a chance. Her voice sounded worn and raspy; she hoped the nurse would ask her if she wanted some water.

“There are some people here who will be very happy to know you are awake. I’ll send them in.” She smiled and left the room. Thinking that hospitals normally only allowed relatives, she wondered who could possibly be visiting.

She saw the face of her boyfriend appear slowly from behind the door and she waved him in. He came toward the bed quietly. His hair was disheveled and his eyes dark, as if he had been awake for days. In her excitement, she didn’t notice the other person follow him into the room. Tears filled his eyes as he took her hand in his.

“What’s wrong, Jason? Oh God, did something happen to the baby?” Her other hand rested gently on her stomach, feeling for the baby. “Why am I here? Is she ok?”

“We’re not here because you had a miscarriage. The baby is fine, Liv.” He needed to break eye contact; it was just too much for him. “You…you don’t remember what happened?"

“Honestly, I don’t remember much past dinner…was it yesterday? How long have I been here?”

Olivia felt his tears hit the back of her hand, just missing the IV. “Yeah, um, this is really hard to say, but…”

“Jason, I’ll do it.” The other person in the room answered and Olivia finally noticed that she had been standing there. She came over to the bed, asked Jason to leave, and waited patiently as he left. “Hey there Liv.” Her voice started out sweet, but turned angry quickly. “I was so worried about you, you know. I was so afraid you weren’t going to make it.”

“Miss Kelly, why are you mad? I don’t even know why I’m here.”

Miss Kelly took a seat on the edge of the bed and sighed. “Olivia, you really scared us all.” She paused and took a deep breath. “You got into an argument with Jason about something to do with the baby. When Jason went to apologize about an hour later, he noticed that you had locked yourself in your room. When you wouldn’t answer, he panicked and came to get me, thinking you were just really upset with him. I used my key to break in. That’s when Jason found you on the floor.”

Olivia looked down at the bed; she couldn’t make eye contact with Miss Kelly anymore. She could see the pain she had caused and didn’t want to face it. The whole night had come back to her, the argument, the stolen knife, the ambulance.

Miss Kelly lifted Olivia’s head so she could look at her. “He found you in a pool of blood, Olivia. You had passed out from the cuts on your wrists.”

The memories came flooding back; everything she didn’t want to think about anymore came back tenfold. She remembered thinking about how many problems the pregnancy had caused, and that by ending the pregnancy all the problems would be solved. For days she had thought about alternatives, but the only thing she could come up with was killing the baby via killing herself. This seemed like the best solution for a sixteen year old with no family except a sister.

“I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what else to do. I panicked.”

Miss Kelly wrapped her arms around her. “Don’t. It’s over now. I’m just happy that you’re alive.”

With only the hospital gown on, Olivia felt a tear hit her shoulder. They hugged for awhile, and when they were done, neither said anything. Miss Kelly walked out and Olivia shut her eyes. She thought about what would have happened if Jason hadn’t found her and cried softly.

Ok, it will literally not let me make paragraph breaks...So that's annoying.

Here It Is! My Novel (pt. 1)

Ok, so many people have asked. And I'm finally going to cave. I will post chapters (or sections of chapters if they are long) of my novel. At random intervals. (with basic editing, naturally)

ps: don't judge my writing please. I wrote it in a month while high off caffeine pills. I haven't edited it or looked at it since. I will leave comments enabled for now but if they get mean, or even Russian again, I will most likely turn them off.

In A Child's Hand (thank you Rae & Lifetime: Television for Women for my inspiration)

1
As the razor sharp blade of the knife made its way down her arm, the paleness of her skin was broken with red. Then, not just broken, but covered. She felt a great amount of pain, but felt she needed to continue. This was her plan, her goal; she wanted nothing else out of life. The knife switched now to the other arm, which still had the glow of fresh morning snow. She let out a small gasp as it made its way down the other arm, in the same fashion, creating parallel scars that would never completely heal.

She stared at the blood, knowing this was the end, only caring about her life. Not the other life she was about to end. The blood pooled next to her head, as she set it on the floor, curled into the fetal position, and started crying. She briefly thought about her baby. She knew it was going to hurt, but she never thought it would be this painful to have the life pour out of you. There was knocking on her door. She knew whomever it was would worry if she didn’t answer, but didn’t really care, so she ignored it. The knocking became more frantic, worrisome even. But she closed her eyes, and let her mind flow.

She saw a forest in late October, the leaves covering the ground like an orange and yellow quilt. It seemed familiar, but she had been in many wooded areas, and couldn’t quite pinpoint it. A plaid coat came into view. She knew that coat, but again, couldn’t place it. And then, when the two small children following closely behind the coat became clear, she knew it. She recognized the scene instantly, seeing herself as one of the children. This had taken place years ago, but was fresh in her memory.

The tears came faster as she tried to get out of the dream, but to no avail. Her dying mind needed her to relive this day. She was unaware of the people now filling the room that her body was lying in. All she saw were the two kids carrying a giant bag, of which she knew the exact contents. It played out like a movie, one she had seen many times before.

The man in the plaid coat stopped and turned. “This will make a good place to stop.” The kids set down the bag. He pushed them away and opened the bag; the smaller of the two, a boy, falling to the ground. The other, his sister, helped him up as the man pulled out a box of bullets.

“So you two ready to learn the proper way to shoot a deer?”

“Yes, sir,” they said in unison. But they weren’t. She was only nine, and he was five – much too young to shoot a deer, let alone be out in the woods with their father while he shot one.

The man loaded his rifle, a thirty-thirty automatic, and aimed at a leaf, that unfortunately hadn’t followed its mates to the ground. He pulled the trigger and the kids covered their ears at the noise. They had never heard something so loud and close to their ears. The leaf exploded, ripping into pieces from the bullet. He chuckled.

“Kids, just imagine that is the brain of a beautiful buck.”

Worried, they looked at each other, and tried not to think about exploding deer brains. The fear that they would be next ran through them as he loaded up another bullet. He leaned his rifle up against a tree and reached into the bag. The kids were uneasy, wondering if they had left something in the truck. He kept rooting around, and came out empty handed.

He looked at them, his eyes angry. “Where is the beer?” They said nothing in reply. “Kyle, I told you to put it in here. Where is it?” Again, silence. “Answer me!”

He swallowed hard, “I must’ve forgotten to put it in.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He slammed his arms down at his sides. “I put you in charge of one thing and you fuck it up. How do you fuck that up? It’s so simple.”

“It’s in the truck. I know I put it in there.”
“Go back and get it.”

The girl knew that he was too young to find his way to the truck and back. “May I go with him? He’ll never find his way back,” she asked weakly.

“You have ten minutes.” He patted his belt and they both knew that he meant ten minutes. Not ten and a half, but ten on the dot. He looked at his watch. “Go.”

They started walking toward the truck, not knowing exactly where they were going, but had the general direction in memory. For some reason, they decided that this would be the perfect time to run away. If they got lost in the woods, someone would find them. Someone would have to find them. And even if no one did, and they died here, they wouldn’t have to die by his hand. They had lived with his abuse for nearly four years and knew they would die unless they got away.

They reached the bottom of a small hill and recognized a tree from their trek in. The girl turned to be certain that he could no longer see them. She tapped the boy on the shoulder and they started running as fast as they could in the opposite direction of the tree. After fifty or so feet, they found an uprooted tree and hid behind it. Although breathing heavily, Kyle reached into his pocket and started whispering.

“Olivia, Daddy’s going to find us, isn’t he?”

She was panting, and didn’t want to get his spirits down. “No way; we’ll be just fine.” It was a lie, and he could tell by her tone.

“No. He’s going to know something is up.” His hand came out of his pocket in a fist, holding something resembling a small gold chain. “I bought this for you with my allowance that day mom and I went to the mall. No one knows about it.”

She let his fist open into her palm and a small locket fell. She started crying. “You spent your allowance on me? Why would you do that?”
He started crying. “Olivia, you always make sure Daddy doesn’t hurt me so bad. I want you to always remember that I love you.”

A twig snapped behind them. “Shh! Did you hear that?”

Olivia’s hands started shaking when she heard the leaves crunch behind them. In a panic, she stuffed the locket into her pocket; no one was going to take the most precious thing she ever owned away from her. They were frozen in terror. Hearing a familiar breath, they knew they had been found. Her thoughts zoomed back to the deer brain exploding. They both knew that their father had come with the gun, to find out what in hell they thought they were doing.

“I know you’re around her somewhere! Your asses are going to pay for this!”

His voice bellowed through the trees, startling a flock of birds and a few squirrels. Their breaths became quieter despite their fear. The eerie feeling of his presence loomed over them as they realized that their plan had failed. His belt cleared the loops of his jeans and they both closed their eyes, awaiting the inevitable. Olivia couldn’t help but let out a small yelp when the tip of his belt whipped around the tree and hit her in the upper arm.

“Did you think you could get away with this? You ungrateful brats!” He came around the tree and kept whipping the belt at the two of them. They both cried out from the pain as it welted their arms, legs, and midsection. He finally stopped, but they both stayed on the ground in the pile of leaves. “Get up.”

They tried, but were incredibly tired from the struggle. “I said get up!” He grabbed Kyle’s arm and jerked him up, repeating with Olivia. “Now, individual punishments.” He turned Olivia around and wound up.

As the belt was coming down, Kyle ran in front of her, “No!”

His cheek stung from the belt as he fell to the ground. Olivia wanted to turn and see what she was hearing, but was afraid of the consequences. Kyle’s shrieks echoed through the empty woods as the belt came down over and over. She knew she could do nothing, and it made the pain feel so much worse. What seemed like an eternity passed before his cries stopped, she no longer felt him writhing against her legs. Olivia had seen bad whippings from her father before, but nothing as bad as this one and she was afraid to discover why it became quiet.

“Olivia, grab the bag and let’s head back to the truck.”

She turned and saw her brother lying on the ground, bloody and lifeless, and took a breath when she noticed his chest rising and falling steadily but slowly. She reached down to help him stand, but her father pushed her away.

“I said grab the bag.”

“You’re going to leave him? What are you going to tell mom?”
“I will take care of your mother…And if he wants to, he can get up and walk with us.”
“I’m not letting him stay here to die.”

The back of his hand came down on her cheek. “You will pick up that bag and walk it back to the truck. I don’t want to hear any more back talk. I will take care of your brother.”

She decided to stop arguing and just pick up the bag. As she walked, she looked back every couple steps to see what her father was doing to help her brother. She saw him pick Kyle up and start nudging him along. Her tears started again at the sight of his weak knees buckling. Although she was relatively far ahead of them, she could see the anger in her father’s eyes and quickly turned.

Suddenly, Olivia heard leaves rustling and turned just in time to see Kyle trying to run as fast as his pathetic body could take him. Her heart went out of control as she saw her father’s rifle take its place on his shoulder. She shoved her hand in her pocket and grasped the locket as she saw his finger go for the trigger.

“Kyle!” She used what seemed like the last of her strength to yell out. Her voice moving at the same speed as the bullet. He dropped to the ground at the same time as her father’s bag. Olivia ran toward him faster than she had ever run before, her father standing in shock at what he had done. She got to his body, fell to the ground and picked up his head.

“Kyle? No, you can’t leave me. We’re supposed to protect each other remember?” Her words were desperate.

He reached up his hand and placed it on her cheek. “You’ll be safe now.” With these final words, his hand slowly fell to the ground.


That is the first half. I did some crazy editing thing where I have the present and flashbacks in the same chapter. It just makes more sense to end this post here. Plus it's long as hell. This hurts me, posting my novel. I don't share things I wrote. I also apologize if the HTML tags are there. Word messes something up with blogger. So...basically it hates me when I copy/paste.