Monday, January 25, 2010


Everyone usually says, "Well, what would make you happy?" And my reply, which is almost always completely honest, is usually, "I don't know," or a variation.

Side note. I just looked into Habitat for Humanity. I would have to move - very far - if I wanted a paying job. And not as far if I were to just volunteer. The problem is, while I enjoy the idea of volunteering, I still have bills to pay. End side note.

I really don't know what would make me happy. I mean, the following things would: being out of debt, being in a relationship, being thinner/having less breast, a puppy, having a heater that worked - but they wouldn't really make me happy.

I don't know why I majored in biology. That was a flat out lie. I majored because I hated a professor of a required class for Environmental Studies, and liked the bio department, but I didn't get any enjoyment out of the actual classes...aside from Animal Behavior & Physiology. I don't know why I majored in psychology. That was a flat out lie also. I chose it because my friends were doing it, several professors were eye-candy, and I had no idea what I wanted to do. Had I known that I loved (and fucking succeeded like crazy) at German, I would've taken it earlier in life (and don't forget that eye-candy thing...heh). I really don't care about apoptosis or the anatomy of a lamprey. I really do not care about Maslow, Freud, or Horney.

All through high school people asked me what I wanted to be as an adult. And, I didn't know. I still don't know. Only, I'm already here. To be completely honest (which is terrifying), I didn't even expect to be alive right now. I didn't even expect to live to graduation. I don't know whether to thank the people who kept me going or be pissed at them. Because now I'm stuck in purgatory. I have two degrees that I would be fine not having. I have $20,000 debt that I would be more than happy to not have. No, I don't think that college was worth the stress. The only things I took from college are the friends and being able to speak with my grandparents in Germany.

Which brings me to another thought (cause this depression fueled post wasn't long enough already): friends. (This does not apply to everyone.) Now that I don't see people everyday or every other day, hardly anyone talks to me. It's like they were obligated to like me because I lived near them or because we had class together. I'm afraid that if I deleted my Facebook no one would ask how I was or even notice that I wasn't on there. I realize people move on, and blah blah, but...grr, I wish I could express myself without sounding like a bitch.

There is so much more I want to say, but I don't know how to say it. I just really don't want to be where I am. Physically, emotionally, every which way.

Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Angel
via FoxyTunes

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