Sunday, January 03, 2010

Insomnia's A Bitch

In "The Secret Life of Bees" (book not movie), she starts throwing jars of honey. She destroys dozens of jars, coating her entire shack with honey and shards of glass. Some days I just want to do this. I want to throw things and break them and then sit in my mess. I want to sit and cry over everything that angers me.

During homecoming, I had a mini breakdown. I drove to Target and over-drafted my account buying a small notebook, some sharpie pens, and blank cards. My intent was to sit somewhere, write out a note to someone, put it in one of the cards, and give it to this someone. What happened was much worse. I sat somewhere, for hours, writing in this notebook. Scribbling frantically everything I wanted to tell this person. And then it turned into a giant confession. To everyone in my family, everyone who has ever known me. Something that I don't want anyone else to know about until after I'm dead. (No, this is not a suicide thing.)

This was in October. I just re-read some of it, and I thought about throwing it away. But now I know what goes through my mind when I have breakdowns. It's a window. I guess I never realized how much I don't understand about why I'm upset and sad. Because my happy self does not want to remember my unhappy self. I wrote about wanting to be like Lily from Secret Life of Bees in that notebook while at homecoming (there are several later entries), but it definitely holds true. At least right now.

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