Thursday, December 30, 2010

Frustration = Pittsburgh

Things I am Sick of Hearing About (in no particular order):

1. The Pittsburgh Penguins - Just because I live in PA, and more importantly close to Pitt, doesn't mean I am a fan. And more importantly I do not care about hockey. I do not care who wins the Stanley Cup. I do not care about Malkin, Crosby, or Fleury... Most importantly (and most annoyingly) I do not want to see "Let's go PENS!" plastered on your facebook status every ten seconds. I enjoy a little bit of football now & then, even some Nascar, maybe MAYBE a soccer game...but I don't understand how fandom gets to the point where EVERY status update includes your dedication to a hockey team. Actual post from my feed: "Congrats to my sister ___ on getting married. Let's go PENS!"

2. Medicare Enrollment - I don't even know how much I would need to go into this one, but...I really cringe everything that god-awful-longer-than-sin commercial comes on. Because it can't just tell you how easy and adjustable Medicare is, NO! it has to have 4 examples from 4 real customers. AND THEN they have to pound into your brain that enrollment ends at midnight on December 31st. I don't even have cable and I've seen this commercial more than I have seen my own father whom I live with in the last week.

3. Going Green - Now, I'm all for recycling and trying to slow down global warming and don't pollute, save water, etc. I am in no way against ANY of that, in fact I love the fact that people want to save polar bears and that they want their grandchildren to be able to breathe, and what not. However, I don't need to see it every 5 feet. Most people don't even know what they are talking about. "Oh, I bought this recycled thing, that must mean I'm green. LOOK HOW GREEN I AM! I ONLY FLUSH WHEN I SHIT. I'M SO GREEN!!! JUST CALL ME THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT!" Blah blah...I get it. Eating meat is awful. Using paper towels is awful. Not using a bus instead of my car is awful. And I know, I should just get a Prius and call it a day. Well, if I had enough money for a Prius, then I wouldn't be sitting here on my blog. I'd be out spending my money. But anyway...yeah. I'm just sick of hearing about it. Do your green shit, but don't spread it all over your facebook. It's like when you do something else you should've just been doing your whole life without having to be told...Do you announce to everyone that you wash your dishes instead of throwing them in a landfill each time they are dirty? No. You don't.

4. The Pittsburgh Steelers (and more specifically their awful QB) - Again, with the proximity thing...BR (the QB) is not the greatest quarterback of all time. He reminds me of Shrek. I don't want to be reminded of his greatness everytime I flip on NFL Sunday. And here is why. He is a terrible athlete. He can't run. He can't pass. He can't do shit. He gets lucky. Tom Brady, now THERE is an athlete. Also...I really dislike the Steelers because everyone around this neck of the woods likes to use the phrase "We did really great last night" or "Woah, we really killed the Bears today!" Did you? Cause when I saw the game, I didn't notice you out on the field. Did I miss that? Were you the one who scored that touchdown? No? Oh...

Hey 2010...Go Away

Things I intend(ed) to do today:
  • empty my garbage can
  • clean off my desk
  • put away laundry that was washed on Dec. 19th
  • make room for a bookshelf to aid in cleaning my desk
  • watch Slumdog Millionaire OR one of the 8 new DVDs I have
Things I have done so far:
  • slept until 11
  • washed a dish
  • removed all the farmville posts from my feed on facebook back to Nov. 29th
  • sent a friend a message on facebook
  • nearly threw up
  • self-pleasuring (hey, why lie at this point?)
  • looked at the garbage & wished for magical powers
It is SOOOO time for 2010 to go away. It was my "I don't really care if I accomplish anything year." I'm ready for my "Let's accomplish everything we want year!"

Monday, December 27, 2010

i think i'm broken

ok but seriously...i just got a cramp in my elbow doing a mundane "everyone does this everyday at least once" activity and it made me realize what being off for 4 days does to a person. and then crawling into bed, i somehow twisted my knee. i don't even know what that says about my overall fitness as a human, but it can't be good.

in other news, i want an addiction. i legit considered heroin the other day, but decided against it...i don't know what, but suggestions on what i should get addicted to are welcome and appreciated. please and thanks!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

If Staples Was A Reality Show:

I think I would be tied for "Fan Favorite" with Mike, especially if the cast members were allowed to vote.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Yeah, I'm That Person

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Ev'rywhere you go.
Just look at the bags and tags; consumer-ing once again.
With debit cards and credit cards, let's go!
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Bills at every door.
But the prettiest sight to see, is the violence that will be
Oh, in ev'ry store!

Yep. I'm that person. I know that most kids will never know what Christmas was supposed to be about. All they'll know is that they get presents from lots of people and that it's a time to spend lots of money on things that will soon sit in a corner or a landfill and never be seen again. Happy Holidays! (Oh, and that's another thing...there are more holidays than Christmas around this time, so people need to get off their high-horses and realize it.)

Friday, December 03, 2010

There is something poetically beautiful, yet depressing about seeing a giant black crow sitting in a snow covered tree first thing in the morning. They're always supposed to be bad omens, yet I stand, staring out the backdoor, watching the crow as he watches me. Meeting the gaze of a crow is oddly satisfying, almost a sign of approval. My only regret is not snapping a photograph of the only thing breaking up an entirely white scene of swirling snowflakes before he flew away.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I never thought that trying to find brownies would be so difficult...But $7 spent, 12 miles driven and ten minutes spent scraping ice off my car...I'll be damned if I didn't get my brownie fix.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

About an hour ago I woke up from a dream.

I had been visiting someone and got parked in, so we had to lift my car and move it out of the spot, but once I got it out, I decided to hang out a little longer. So I parked it on the other side of the street. I went into the house that I parked it at, which happened to be my old house (in real life) and when I got inside, there was a man standing there who told me that I was going to be late for school if I didn't hurry. So I was rushing around and then the guy came back into the kitchen, carrying something. He asked me to go outside with him, so I did and he set the thing he was carrying down. It was a baby orangutan.

He played around in the mud a little bit, getting his clothes really dirty, and then the guy was like "Oh crap. Take him inside and get to school." He rushed away, so I took the little baby inside and he kept squeezing my finger like human babies do. I set him down and thought, I can't let him just sit here all muddy, so I gave him a bath in the sink. And then I took him upstairs and put him in fresh clean clothes. I decided to go ahead and blow off school since I was really late already and every time I put him down to play, he crawled back up in to my arms.

The end. I woke up thinking that this either means I want a child...OR more likely, I really need to stop denying that I'm doing everything I want and that I'm ok with my current situation, and go do what I really want. But I'm too scared to do that. So I guess I will continue to kiss ass and pretend like everything is okay with the world. And be unhappy forever. Or get pregnant.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

oh retail...

Yesterday a customer came in and asked me a question. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about, and knew that no one in the store would know the answer. However, this is what happened.

"I actually have no idea. But, I could get an EasyTech for you. He might be able to help."
"That is the most honest answer I have ever heard from a store like this. And I want to thank you for not bullshitting with me about an answer."
"Oh. Well, you're welcome?"
"No really. I appreciate it. Most people just go on and on in circles making stuff up."

Huh. Usually when I tell people that I don't know the answer to their obscure questions that they could've googled and saved themselves not only the time to drive out there, but also the gas and a headache, they get REALLY upset with me.

But like, really...Just because I work in a store that sells Quicken does not mean I know everything about Quicken. And just because we sell Coke products does not mean I am in control of Coke. Sorr.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Truth Hurts Sometimes, Gals...

Last night I dreamt that I was a Golden Girl. We were sitting around telling "worst sex ever" stories, as they do sometimes. When it was my turn, I looked down at the table and tried to be ignored. They asked what was wrong and I said, "Bad sex? I've never had bad sex. I've never even had sex that I disliked slightly. It's all been good."

"Thanks for rubbing that in..."

Monday, November 15, 2010

I'm watching The Land Before Time (the first and only good one in this 97134 movie series) and its been about 3 minutes...and now I'm getting sad.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


"Every once in a while she would open her eyes, but the slightest second of eye contact made her feel embarrassed, like he could see into her soul. She sometimes felt like he could see how she really felt about everything and that her true feelings would scare him."

I realized today that I am projecting all over my novel's main character. She's becoming me. And it's terrifying to think that someone who reads it might know that it's me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Naturally, I would have spent the last hour sitting in my car crying. I'm just so frustrated with everything right now. I need to vent. But the one person I want to vent with is so distant...

Monday, November 08, 2010

Oh November...

Things are so strange lately. I just don't even know what's going on.

I really do feel like my life isn't real sometimes.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

Ugh. My brain.

Sometimes I can overlook a situation and pretend like it hasn't affected me more than it has.

And then sometimes, like now, I don't even pretend to not care.

In other news, I am starting to become emotionally attached to someone new...not a boy or anything...but a friend and I know I'm just going to eff myself over in the end. I know this is happening because I dreamt about this person. And this dream was not hard to interpret in the slightest.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Sometimes it's amazing to me, the emotions that occur when I look through a photo album. There are just so many things that can pop out from a photo that you didn't see before. For me, there are three kinds of photos.

1. The kind you remember: That tv only had three channels, sometimes four when you got lucky. That Rudolph doll was from Germany, it walked and played music and its nose lit up when you flipped a switch. The cat was really soft, but its limbs were stiff, you couldn't really bend them. The blanket on the chair was a really awful rough texture. And the chair...One time I had a dream that the floor was covered in snakes and the only way to escape them was to get on the chair, but I was too small and couldn't get on it. My dad was on it, and he kept reaching out for me but I couldn't reach his arm. I never did get saved from the snakes. I set up the camera to take that picture because I was always alone for at least an hour, sometimes two, after school and got bored.

But the worst part about seeing this photo, aside from the memories of my first house from when I was happy and part of a family that actually showed that they the foreshadowed sadness in my eyes.

2. The kind you don't remember: I know that this was taken in Germany. In my Oma's drawer. I apparently used to hang out in that drawer all the time. There are lots of pictures of me in drawers in Germany. In fact, there are lots of pictures of me in Germany that I don't remember. Age baby through 12...I have forgotten so much about Germany. I can remember everything about the cat in the above picture from how lose and how pink its nose is to how many gray stripes it had to the bent whisker that I tried to rip off. I have zero recollection of that doll. Or that kitchen. Zero.

3. The kind you don't want to remember: This may seem like a harmless photo. It's just a picture of some steel and a crane, right? Wrong. I would give anything to forget about 1997 and everything that went with this picture. I don't care if the person who took this picture were to die. I don't care if that person disappeared off the face of the planet. Literally, anything. If I could go back in time and change anything...regardless of any effect it would have on my friends, college choice, career, drug use, etc, I would change this. I would give everything I have now up, if I could go back and fix the feelings of being so alone and suicidal and unloved and all-around awful because of the person who took this picture. You can't even imagine what it's like to see this and think of the only two people you can say you honestly hate. I would've posted a picture of them, but somehow all the pictures of them disappeared in a fire I started with my lighter. The memories flood back and I get depressed all over again.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


OH MY DEAR JESUS. I just had the worst cramp I think I can ever remember. I've had them while I was sleeping with K and it took a few short seconds to relieve the pain. I've had them in my foot and my calf...but this one. MY GOD. This one was in my upper thigh. I could feel the muscle getting harder and harder as I had to drag my leg into the bathroom to find room to stretch. Because seriously, I could not even pick my leg off the floor to step over things. I wanted to die...I need a banana.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today = Strange

Today was really strange. I woke up after having really strange dreams all night. Like, sitting on the couch watching football with my mother's husband. And the other was really mundane like that one, but I don't really remember it. Then I went to work and I was just really friendly with everyone. It was sunny one minute, windier and darker than hell outside the next. My boss complimented me on getting someone to sign up for our card, when I really didn't even do anything. While I was on lunch someone came in and asked for me but didn't say who he was. I found out later, who. I really wish I could just pass out or something. I'm so exhausted.


Such strange dreams...all night long. I don't even understand these ones. No symbolism that I could pick out easily. Seemingly no rhyme or reason. I just don't get it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Where is my uniform sweater? Srsly, it is getting cold, and I want to be warm at work. I want my fuzzy red sweater.

Damn it.

Working on outlining my novel...before going in to work. For someone else. Because I'm such a great person...Yeah. Great or Stupid.

Friday, October 15, 2010

What? Double Post Friday?

So, I mentioned in an earlier post that I had a panic session not related to the drama that is my life with K. Here goes:

I'm driving to the bank (I think it was the bank, it was a very specific day...) and I'm at this intersection which has five streets. And I think back to 2005 when I was at college, but heard about some kid committing suicide near that intersection. There was a guy standing there and my immediate reaction was to panic about him.

Scenario 1: He pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head. And I'm the only one at this 5-way intersection so I have to call 911. I'm trying to dial, but all I can think about is how traumatizing it is to see someone shoot their brains out.

Scenario 2 (much worse): He pulls out the gun and puts it to his head. And so I floor it through the light, throw my car into park and rush over to try and stop him. I'm standing there telling him that there must be something he can think of to live for. He tells me that his wife and kids just died. He doesn't have a job or money and he doesn't know what to do about life. I tell him that I have often felt the same way, but then I found someone worth sticking around for; that I found someone to love. And I talk him out of it, but people drove past and saw so they called the cops. And when the cops get there they see that he isn't going to kill himself, so they ask me how I got him to not. The news people come and want to interview me, but I panic because then my family would know about my past and I didn't want that to happen. So I was just like "Um, I don't want to be recognized..."

Now playing: Aimee Mann - Humpty Dumpty
via FoxyTunes


Perhaps you remember the dramz from K's life as outlined here: Number 3. And perhaps you don't. Either way. I think I believe in God again. It's like...the happiest day of my life (sort of) because I saw on the front page of the paper that the aforementioned fugitive has been arrested. And HOLYWOW! this might mean that I get my friend, lover, happy K, did I mention lover?, back. news in a long time. Well, I guess a week, since my cousin won homecoming queen and she is one of the few family members I still have respect for (but that is a topic of another long and rambling post).

The only panic session I'm having about this, is that I did know where he was, and there was an anonymous tip about where he was. And I fear that I will get the blame placed on me. And while it crossed my mind countless times, I know that I would freak out from guilt and tell K that it was me and then he would hate me. It wasn't me. I couldn't do that. I would never do that. But holy cow, this is hopefully the best thing that could've happened. Forgive me, dear readers, but I may have sex again. And that is exciting.

Now playing: Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Today is very orange.

The leaves covering my yard. The pumpkins . The sun. All the trees around my house are very orange and yellow. It's beautiful.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I do think that there is nothing more depressing than the final episode of The Golden Girls.

There is just something so touching about seeing people that love each other and such good friends having to part. Even though, it is a happy thing. One is getting married, something she would've never thought would happen...especially at the point in her life that she's at. One realizes that her real family is right where she's been.

I fall apart every time I see it. I cry when I hear him propose the second time - for real.
I cry when Sophia is sad at losing her daughter - even though I never figured out why she acts like they will never see each other again...It's her daughter. They both have phones. Also, it's Blanche's uncle...She wont' ever see her uncle again? I cry when Rose realizes that she needs to stay with them instead of living with her daughter. But mostly I cry when I hear Dorothy thank them and call them angels. Ugh, there is like, nothing I want more out of life than their friendship.
I eat pie out of a plastic box. Watch the time pass. Feel the tears flow. Wonder what will happen. Hope that things turn out okay. Watch. Feel. Wonder. Hope.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Selfish Bitches

So, what does make someone an adult? When you google it, this is what comes up: Grown Up?

The site starts out with questions that I think about all the time. To quote: "traditional adult status defined as: leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having a child, and being financially independent"

Should I be financially independent at 24? And if I should be, what did I do wrong?

I thought I was doing everything right...I went to college, and finished. After a week of being back in my home state, adjusting to the realization that I am no longer a student, I started applying for jobs. Not only degree-related jobs, but every job that I saw I could do, in the hopes to save up enough money to move on and get my own apartment. It took almost a year for me to land a job, and although I really like it and do everything right (I never call off, I will cover any shift you ask, I'm willing to learn new things, come in early, help other people, etc) it's just not paying off. I have $80 in my savings account. And there is no way I could afford to live on my own on $100/week. I don't buy frivolous things all the time. Sometimes I will buy a candy bar or a t-shirt that I don't really need. But I don't just spend money randomly. I think of myself as financially responsible for the most part.

Should I be married and/or a parent?
*If I can't even afford to support myself, there is no way that the answer to either of these is yes.

Moving on.
I think the most important aspect is being responsible, in general. If you are unemployed, then I don't think you have the right to pick & choose which jobs you will apply to. If you are using your parent(s) to support you for EVERYTHING, then I don't think you have the right to complain about anything...especially if other people in your family are paying rent. To your mother. I just don't understand how someone can not feel bad, when taking advantage of someone simply because she knows that she can. If you can't afford to continue your habits, then you shouldn't rely on someone else to support them. And if this habit happens to be smoking, but people paying rent don't smoke, then you should respect that. Mostly, I think you should fucking get responsible and stop pissing people off. Selfishness is the worst quality in a person.

And this was the most passive-aggressive paragraph I think I have ever written, and I don't care.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Hello Again

I know what you're thinking. "Stef, you used to blog all the time. What happened?"

Well, 1. deal with it. And 2. I usually only blog when something spectacularly exciting happens or I'm depressed. That first one rarely happens, and the latter was pretty intense lately. And I couldn't bring myself to let people in on this one.

If you want to know what goes on in my day-to-day world, go here:

I will be posting a dream later.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

I Miss 'Im

I miss K. But I told myself I wouldn't call him. Or try to see him until Sunday. Hopefully I can spend the night with him on Sunday. But mostly I just miss him. And I want to make out with someone. Especially him.

Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow...I just want to sleep until Sunday.

(Don't know if you'll get the reference to Clone High. "I miss 'im" is a quote from Ghandi's kidney, referring to the other kidney.)

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Happiness was not at the bottom of the last bottle of whiskey. Perhaps its at the bottom of this one? Probably not, but doesn't hurt to look. And that's what I'm going to do. Search every bottle until I find it.

Friday, October 01, 2010

I am so not happy with my new sleeping schedule. If I am up past 11 pm, I start to feel like I'm going to collapse into a pile of goo. My "sleep in" times are 8, 9:15, 9:30 if I'm lucky. But when I wake up, I'm just completely exhausted. But I can not fall back asleep. No matter what I do.

I've been having really weird fears and panic sessions lately. Sessions sounds like a dumb word to use here, but that's really all I've got. I woke up, and was thinking about later when I am going over to see K. And he told me last night that the "neighbor" wanted to kick his ass for existing. And this "neighbor" was in the bar on Tuesday for Rick & Jack. Naturally, when I went into the parking lot and told Melissa about this fun discovery, I went into panic mode. This is what followed, in my mind. *This did not really happen.*

Melissa & Fran drive away. As I'm getting into my car "neighbor" comes over and says, "I saw you looking at my fiance. Are you some kind of dyke? You want to fuck my girl?"
Me: "No, what? I just thought I recognized her."
N: "I think you want her. You sick fuck."
He then proceeds to beat the shit out of me, while I think about how I'm going to just die. Because there is no way I would survive something like this. And I can't call K, because that would just put him in a position to get himself killed too. And no one in the bar is going to come out here. And fiancee is just going to sit and watch, because she knows that she'll just get beaten next. Since that's the kind of guy N is.

That is scene 1. Possible scene 2:
Fiancee comes up to me and asks if I am who she thinks I am. The answer is yes. She then punches me in the face. Because she is jealous of me sleeping with K and being happy because she gave him up to be with "neighbor" who is a jealous and abusive man. And she just wishes her life could be better than what she has. And I don't know how to react, except stand there and watch her yell and fall apart.

So then, this morning. I was thinking about when K is looking at my car, and how the "neighbor" would see it. And come over and flip shit. And he makes comments about my appearance and stuff, and so I run into the house and sit there on the couch crying until K finally gets a chance to come inside. But he doesn't get a chance until fiance convinces "neighbor" not to kill K. Especially since we are on K's property. But I didn't get to the part where K makes me feel better. Just me sitting on the couch with my phone trying to think of who I could call to make me less anxious.

There was another panic session, but that is not related to the other ones presented here. And deserves its own entry.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I literally just spent 2 hours editing all the genres & album names and such on the 174 songs I have managed to transfer from my POS Dell.

My cousin wanted me to post about my epic dream. But I really don't feel like it right now.

I bought a mini-strobe light today. Because it was 40% off. And we are having a party. That is seriously the only reason. Someone coming has epilepsy, so hopefully we keep him away from that.

I've been having some serious emotional issues lately. I would rather not discuss them at this moment. I just felt like I should blog.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Some Points That May Be Of Interest

* Molly is visiting. So far it consisted of eating Perkins food, that made me sick, me going in for a 9 hour shift while she drove around and shopped for stuff in Erie at the mall, and then eating Burger King - which also made me sick.

* That actually made a good transition into: I'm pretty sure I have IBS. Or food poisoning that just. will. not. quit.

* It is FUCKING raining. Yesterday, was 80+ degrees, sunny, know, the perfect day. And today is our zoo day. Yes, the day with scattered thunderstorms all effing afternoon. Too bad, when she wakes up, we are going to Erie and it will be fun. I don't care how wet I get (lol, that's what she said) and then I will go hot-tubbing and get my window fixed. Since it is currently raining into my car. Dear K, please fix my car today. Love S.

* I won safety bingo at work. Seventy. Five. Dollar. Bonus. I am so happy.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

And This Week's Theme Is:


1. I had that surgery on Wednesday.

2. On Thursday (I think?), my computer stopped charging my battery. I had absolutely no contact with the outside world...what the hell? Well, I had to go drop $500 for a new computer, because it was basically the same price to fix the old one. For the third time....not gonna happen, Dell. Sorr about the bag, Dell. Not happening. (seventh bullet point) But, anyway. That happened.

3. You would not even believe what happened with K, even if you had witnessed it. I mean, I did not, but holy shit. I'm going to even go one step further: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I can't divulge details, because that may be illegal, I'm not sure. He didn't do anything illegal...but I will try to sum it up in 5 words or less: fugitive, dog, abandoned, children, wife. In no particular order. Yeah, needless to say, I now know why he didn't answer my phone call or call me back. I now know more about why I will never get married. And I now know more about what makes a good parent. (Versus a completely shitty one.)

4. Speaking of fugitives and abandonment. Apparently someone else from the messed up family that my mother so lovingly brought me into has left the building. So, that's...that.

5. The neighbor took his cows to butcher. This makes me sad, because all that is left is the tiny calf that never comes over to the fence and licks me. The big ones did. I hope they get more before they move. There is also a horse, but it is not as friendly (or stupid?) as the cows were.

The good news, however, is that I have a webcam now. This could also be bad news for my facebook friends, as I have taken a shitton of photos.

Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Good Enough
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Well, I made it. I lived. After a short dizzy spell and a rocky trip down in the elevator (there was no way three stairwells were going to happen), I made the drive home. Debated getting gas, and decided that I would rather walk the rest of the way home than stand & pump, risked running out. Yup, so now I'm sitting here waiting for my father to return so he can maybe go get my script filled. Cause I don't know if I'll need it, since I'm still all numbed up.

The only bad thing that happened was, brace yourself...a shot in the roof of my mouth. The roof. Of my mouth. Just think about that. Ever bite down on a pretzel too hard? Yeah...PAIN. But it really wasn't that bad, just a little pressure.

Anyway, I'm supposed to just sit around and wait for the bleeding to stop.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

And Then I Caught A Cold

Guess who bought new underwear today?!?!?! The answer is, of course, ME!
I got five new pairs, including one pair of purple ones for K. (We have the same favorite color. = soul mates.) They are a weird texture, but weird in a good way. I am actually excited about this $14 investment.

Throwing a Halloween party the weekend before Halloween. People best show up, because I have spent $24. And that is before most food, candy, costume, and drinks. Mostly I've been buying random shit from the dollar store to decorate. Good thing I am co-hosting with Mandy.

I hate when I run into someone and know that I know them, but can not for the life of me remember who or how. For example, during the fair, someone pointed out someone's wife. And I was like "Oh, I know her. But who is she?" This was in August. Just now, my dad said something about how he was playing around on Facebook and he found her husband. And it obviously had her on there, but obviously without her maiden name. And we scrolled through their friend lists, and I realized I know a lot of the same people as them. AND THEN! I busted out my 2003 yearbook, and found her. All is right with the world. We were in French Club together for probably all three years we were in high school together and...she was one of the hot, pretty, skinny, blond girls. And she landed herself a successful and attractive guy...

And then I got a cold. Sometime around 11 am. While at work. Hence, I stood there blowing my nose from 11-4, trying to avoid looks from customers, rubbing Purell all over my hands & arms. And then my boss told us she thinks she has Hookworm. Don't click that link if you have a weak stomach. You have been warned.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I let myself stop and think about things. This is a bad thing. A very very bad fucking thing.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Guess who didn't call the doctor and can't? That's right me. Why? Because I answer the phone. And am on my way to my first job after working at my second job all morning. Why do I do this? So I can pay for the doctor's visit I'll never get a chance to go to.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Some Stuff

So I apparently blogged this morning at 7:54 am. I think I hit "publish" and then sped out the door to work. And you know, I didn't cry on the way in. I was looking forward to it. Go ahead, take a pause and think about that. And this, my dear reader, is what brings me to "Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries & Why I Am Becoming An Adult: The Double Feature."

  • You wanna know what was wrong with me this morning that led me to ask what was wrong with me? I had just woken up from a 15 minute nap after driving home from spending the night with someone I love, after asking him for financial help with something (something I don't normally do...ever), and not being turned down. Instead I got an apology that he couldn't help me out more. And the thing I need help with, is paying for a doctor because I think there is something wrong with me for reals this time. It is a very personal thing, and unless the results come back cancer or anything remotely as dangerous, this will be the last you hear of it. Assuming my doctor doesn't terrify me into nightmares again...But during some light physical activity he (K, not the doctor) kept asking if I was ok because I looked like I was in pain. (Side note: apparently I look the same when feeling pain and extreme pleasure.) So the combination of being scared of seeing a doctor and knowing that he cares about me led me to feel strange and wonder what was wrong.
  • Nice transition into being an adult...I am going to call a doctor tomorrow. All by myself. And ask if I can have an appointment. Because it has reached a point where I am legitimately afraid of what is happening to me. I have only ever done this once in my life, and that was just a chiropractor. Not even someone you have to strip down and get looked at with.
  • So, when I spend time with K, I usually get really depressed after we are no longer together. Mainly because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. (Which I think is different from loving someone, call me crazy if you need.) But this morning, like I said, I didn't cry on my way to work. I didn't cry on my lunch break. I don't know if it was because he was meeting me after work to lend me the money or not. I was very happy to see him in the parking lot when I went out to my car. I was very hesitant to invite him out with Melissa & I, mainly because of things he has told me, but also because I don't want to get too attached. (Hello, I'm attached to the weirdest things, so imagine how I am with people...) And if it was because of that, I think I would've cried when he told me that he doesn't know what the fuck happened with his bank account, and he can not lend me the money until at least Thursday, but really not for two or three weeks. I honestly think it is because in college and high school, you practically see your friends everyday. Literally, every single day. And now that I am not in school, I don't have the luxury of that. I actually have to make my own entertainment (see next bullet point). I digress. I did not fall apart when he turned down a different street than me and went home.
  • I went out to a bar to hear a band tonight. I didn't do it because I thought I would sit at home and be depressed and alone. I didn't do it because I was begged to. I actually did it because I wanted to. I went to a bar the other day to hear a different band; one that I really like. I usually enjoy myself, although sometimes I get tired and am at the mercy of the driver, thus irritable and drunk. I even left a situation that K was in to see them. I just wish he understood why I always want to be with him instead of doing all these other things...but I'm not in college anymore. Sleepovers are rare now, although still as enjoyable. But I guess my entertainment is no longer other people, but the occasional tv show on Hulu and movies that I watch over & over. And I am surprisingly ok with this. At least for now.
I think that's all for now. I am really tired and its only 9:50. This would be the adult world I assume. Going to bed early after working an 8 hour shift...sigh.
Oh my god what the hell is wrong with me?

Friday, September 03, 2010


Dream One:
I was wearing a tank top and a really long strand of Mardi Gras type beads. I mean, really long, like wrapped around my neck 25 times, draped around my shoulders and stuff like that. They were really jingly. Mostly purple, blue & green. I was in the bathroom looking in the regular mirror and then I started doing ballet and twirling everywhere and I twirled over to the shower. Looked in the mirror in the shower, and saw that I was wearing a white mask that only my eyes showed through. And I thought "Oh, so now no one can see my emotions."

Dream Two:
Something about my dad and I needing to pick up a pizza for my family, and there being a really long wait. And then I was in a scene from the tv show Huge. And I don't even know. But it was weird.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I look down and see the droplets forming; small at first and then slowly getting larger before they drip off into a small pool. The beautiful color. It reminds me of him, the shoes, the shirt...I have a very strong reaction to the color. Everyone that has made me feel this way, that has been the reason for this repeating episode, they are all that color in my memory. The dripping has stopped and a different kind has begun.

In sum, I am falling apart once again. And once again I sit holding the phone getting ready to call my manager and tell her that I can't come in. So I can sit around my house in the silence and wonder what comes next. So I can go through the above loop of actions over and over and over like the Energizer Bunny. So I can over think every thing that he has said or done, hasn't said or done...especially "I love you" because I don't think he does. So I can think about how I panicked over something as small as a phone call. This feeling shall pass, but not quickly enough.

But I don't want it to pass. I want to be in his arms at all times. Feel his skin against mine. Let him touch me the way that he does. Look into his eyes and know that he cares.

I want to not be in love. But always be in love.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Vaycay Dreams

So, of course a vacation isn't without dreams with really obvious messages or with really strange symbols for shit...

Uno: It was simply my feet and another set of feet (I think my dad's) that were floating in a little puddle of ocean water bleeding from the soles. The blood was making little swirls on the surface. And that was it.

Looking up foot/feet in the dream dictionary is difficult, because there are a lot of different ways to see a foot in a dream...and none of them, shockingly, are 'bleeding from who knows what.' Most of the sections suggest cutting it on glass, but something about me knows that it was not from glass. To dream that you injured or hurt your foot, signifies a lack of progress, freedom, and independence. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have taken a step in the wrong direction. The sole of the foot may be a pun of being or feeling like the "sole" or only support of some person or situation.

Zwei: K and I workin the same place (but I have no idea where it was) and our shifts were over for the night and we were in the parking lot. He tells me that he's going to go get dinner with Kyle (son) and so I say, "Ok, see you tomorrow," and try to get in my car. But when I pull the passenger side door (cause I put something in that side) it won't shut - sorta like when the seatbelt is in the way and it bounces back...but that's not why. But I start backing out anyway and debate calling K to come help me. But I've waited too long and I have no reception. There are a lot of people standing around in the parking lot for the next shift and I start getting nervous because my door won't close, so I just drive away anyway, with my door open. I drive to my mom's house and I walk in the kitchen and ask what to do. She tells me to call K, that he won't mind. So I press "Send" and I wake up.

There isn't even anything really to look up. I'm terrified of being alone with strangers in my waking life. My car is a piece of shit in my waking life. My cell phone's reception is about as reliable as a car with no wheels. And hardly any of my dreams have closure.

However, my window broke awhile back (like March) and I had K fix it. So then about a week before my vacation another window broke the same way. And I just didn't tell anyone why there was peace sign duct tape on my car...But then I broke down and told my mom to see if she would buy me the part I needed and asked her if she thought K would fix it if I asked. So I called him and asked him. And he said yes. So, I am either getting more prophetic in my dreams or my dream life is as awesomely boring as my waking life. (OOH! Title line! Take a shot!)

Monday, August 23, 2010

I Like Numbers

Some fun (totally dependent on your definition of fun) facts about my vacation:

  • Condo had 23 mirrors but only 16 rooms; 2 in my bathroom, and 1 whole wall was a mirror
  • Condo was themed and had 231 monkeys (statues, the pool floor, pillows, etc)
  • On the drive down I saw 33 different state license plates, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 36
  • On the drive back I saw 34 states, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 37
  • Overall, I saw 38/50 states (76%) and 3/10 provinces
  • We ate at 3 Outer Banks restaurants (not counting fast food or large chains)
  • Watched 1 sunrise, 2 sunsets, 4 fishing boats come in, 5 surfers, 2 kayakers, and countless dolphins
  • Found 2 conch shells, 1 piece of coral, 2 unidentifiable things, & 25 shells on the beach
  • Bought 3 shot glasses, 1 t-shirt, 1 hoodie, 2 pants, 4 postcards, 1 keychain, 2 can coozies, 3 boxes of salt water taffy & 1 magnet
Stay tuned for "Strange But Gorgeous: The West Virginia Story"

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things on My Mind:

1. I am debating whether to sign up for another summer at the Outer Banks. I have been legitimately bored this entire trip. And when we did the one thing that I wanted to do, at least one person complained the whole time. And unless it is in a sexual way, I hate being controlled. It seems like what and when and where I eat is at the mercy of one person. I don't like being told that I am strange because I don't want to sit on the beach and get all salty and sweaty and nasty instead of doing things on vacation. All I do at home is sit at home in my hot house and stare into space. I don't want to do that now. I don't want to do everything as a fucking group in our matching shirts. I don't want to eat at the same fucking restaurants that we do every time we come here. I would honestly rather eat a mother fucking Big Mac, that you can get anywhere, than go to the restaurant we are going to tonight. But if I don't go, then I'm an asshole and being whiny. I don't like their food, and with there being 14 of us, they shove us places. I sat in the corner last time we went...I had to wait for at least 4 other people to get up before I could walk to the buffet.

2. I miss K. It's disgusting how much I don't want to be in love because it's so hard for me to be just 12 minutes away from him, let alone 12 hours.

3. The other day I was in the bathroom trying to keep some of my stomach lining from being purged and I just started crying. I ended up in the fetal position mouthing the phrase "I want to go home" over and over. I couldn't even make any noise because I was crying so hard. I don't remember ever falling apart so roughly. I'm sure it was a mixture of my diet of Pepto and water for the prior 6 hours, the fact that no one in this family can be nice for more than 5 minutes, and my intense desire to spend time with K with no one else around.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Sometimes I wish people would just stop butting in where they shouldn't be.

Addendum: And stop being such a god damn control freak.

Friday, August 13, 2010

We said goodbye.
Tried her hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bittersweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
from doing this to me?

(Jennifer Nettles' voice is way too country for me sometimes, but I love this song: "Keep You" by Sugarland)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


To add to the list of Things Stef Hates More Than You Can Imagine...

People who open their cell phones and then proceed to listen to every ringtone. Over. And. Over. For absolutely no reason.

And now to change the subject slightly. These don't piss me off like the list of things I hate; they simply upset me and/or make no sense.

1. Book sox. No, not them in general. But did you know they cost anywhere from 3.99 to 6.99 (at least at my store)? And did you know that they have the stupidest designs on them? ie. Steelers, Cleveland sports, 3D swirls, etc. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, did you know, that some schools require these...AS PART OF A GRADE. Yes, that's right. Having these expensive book covers instead of the old school paper bags from the grocery store that worked for, oh, YEARS, is becoming part of your child's grade. Now, where I come from, grades are based on performance, intelligence, effort...and not how much money you spend on book covers.

2. My name is spelled: Stefanie. Write that down, memorize it, recite it as your meditation mantra, get it tattooed. I don't care. If I have known you for more than 1 month, and/or you have written my name down at any time, then you should just know this. Five months into a relationship where you write my name down 4 times a week, copying it from another piece of paper, you should know that it is spelled with an "f." And you people who eff this up do realize that I am not the only person that spells it this way right? My god, you people can't spell most other words correctly, but when it comes to spelling something phonetically, then you can't do it. Say it with me, "Stef with an f."

Monday, August 09, 2010

I guess I forget after vacation how much shit you actually pack and take on a week's vacation. Sheesh. I decided to just get at least the clothes done and it's making me a leetle bit crazy. That, and it is 3:30 am.


Eff my life...I had a really pathetic dream where Kenny ended up embracing me until I fell asleep because I think I was scared. I don't remember the rest...

So I saw him today. And I realized that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Because DAMN.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Sometimes I wish my blog got more readers/traffic. And then I think, "Why? Then I will just feel like I have to come up with something witty and/or really meaty instead of talking about how Reba McEntire is on vaycay right now and was on a boat with huge crabs or about my affair with a much older man..."

An Overshare? Possibly

Today I got home about 3:30 am. Felt fine. Went to sleep. I kept tossing & turning and waking up with a slight stomachache, but I assumed it was just cramps and tried to go back to sleep. At 5:42 am, I discovered that I couldn't take the pain anymore and went into the bathroom. I took care of other business, flushed and turned around to leave. I then proceeded to vomit for the next 15 minutes...eventually nothing was even coming out of my body but spit. But I remained hunched over the toilet, going through the motions. I finally crawled back to bed after somehow pouring myself a glass of iced tea and passed out until almost 11 am. It is now 1:55 pm and the stomach drama continues, although all I'm doing is lying in bed on my computer. I have not consumed anything, so I have no idea how I'm supposed to throw up again. Or relieve this urge to do so.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

We are both covered in freckles and sometimes we compare our arms. He always laughs and says things like "You can't beat me." I want to lie in the sun for hours trying to get more so I can beat him. I want to connect all of his to mine.

August Sucks (pt 2)

Sooo. Remember that time I said "I re-evaluate my entire life" yesterday? Well here we go.

* I had one of those conversations I have with no one (link, paragraph 2) on my way home from Christopher's tonight. Mainly because my vacation is quickly approaching and I will be with my family for 8 days. EIGHT DAYS of awkwardness with them knowing (thanks facebook) that I am "in a relationship." And I'm not even really in a relationship the way that one would think. I mean, relationship doesn't mean that we go on dates and share ice cream cones and the like...Even the definition of relationship is: a state of connectedness between people. I have a relationship with my readers. I have a relationship with Lisa, the UPS driver that does a pick up every night at work and sometimes brings us cookies. I have a relationship with my professors that I don't see anymore. It's all in what kind of relationship it is. And yes, K & I have an emotional connection, but it doesn't really go far enough that I need to tell my family every detail about his existence.

But I have veered from the actual conversation I had with them in my car. It started with "I think we should play a game called 'Getting to Know You' because sometimes I don't feel like a part of this family. I feel very alienated for a lot of reasons, and thus I don't think anyone really knows much about me." I went on to explain why this massive feeling of alienation is lingering over me - and has been on & off for years. Some main points:
A. I went to a different high school than all my aunts & uncles, 95% of my cousins, and 100% of the people they know; I am left out of every conversation involving anyone they know because I didn't have this teacher and I don't know that person.
B. I didn't play sports or join dance, and instead did things like Choir & French Club. I never wanted to be part of a team or be aggressive. They seem to think this is strange.
C. I don’t attend church on a regular basis. This one needs no explanation.
D. I left the state to go to college and didn’t want to come back. While there, I made friends with people of color, different religions, and most importantly, the homos. My family makes it a point to call me a lesbian whenever we are together simply because I had never been in a relationship with a male before. And because I have gay friends. This clearly means that I must be gay as well.

But I really feel like I’m left out of everything. Also, just because I have tattoos and a pierced face and don’t attend church doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

August Sucks (pt 1)

Reasons Why Stef Doesn't Have Serious Conversations (Or At Least Why She Tries to Avoid Them):

Now, there are several different kinds of serious conversations. And my reaction/feelings about them vary depending on which kind it is. I'm confusing you, but bear with me.

1. I cry. I cry when I am frustrated or upset. Sometimes I cry when nothing has happened.

This includes: convos about my past, my future, my family in Germany, sometimes my family in the US, friendships that have ended, some friendships I have now.

2. I get other kinds of depressed. And then I spend a week freaking out about whatever the conversation was about. Including but not limited to: isolation, insomnia, excess sleeping, physical pain, moving, making odd decisions, tattooing, and spending too much money.

This includes: my life plan, talks of religion (afterlife & such included)

3. I re-evaluate my entire life.

Monday, August 02, 2010


So it's August...

1. Where the hell did summer go?
2. Yay vaycay starting in 11 days.
3. Where the hell did summer go?
4. It should be a good one since it came in like a lion...(I know, it's not March, but my emotions were SHIT yesterday...)

My wrist/hand still hurts from my sex injury. Like, holy mother does it hurt this morning. And now I'm off to do job #2, even though, I really don't know how I will be of any use today. "Oh, you want me to try and grasp things? About that..." I wish I had won powerball this past Saturday because I would A. quit my job and travel the world and B. go to a doctor.

See, I really don't want much from this world, just enough money to take care of my ailing hand and to see the Pyramids.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

You know that tendon thing that connects your pointer finger to your wrist? Well, slightly embarrassing story time! Mine hurts like holy shit. And I wish I could say it's from fighting off ninjas in the dead of night or defending my homestead from the skunk that frequents the porch like it's some sort of night club hot spot. Because those make me sound cool and badass. But in reality, it is from sex. And that, lady and gentleman, is the definition of out of shape. When you sprain your hand holding yourself up...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Two Things:

1. Things that piss me off more than you can even begin to imagine:
  • paper cuts
  • being behind someone slow in a store with no way around/past
  • waiting for something to happen that never will (ie: my zookeeper career)
  • Purell.
But most importantly: That FUCKING fly that insists on landing on your lip/ear/eyelid/nose ring/cheek right at that moment when you are about to fall asleep. Your body knows it. "Oh, you're about to enter heaven dreamland of magic," and that asshole comes along and thinks "OMG! Prime real estate to shit or do whatever it is that us flies do!"

2. Today around 6:30 am, I got in my car and drove home. I left my bottles of whiskey & rum in the car because they will come in handy tomorrow night. Well, today around 5:00 pm, I get in my car to buy lottery tickets for K. It smells like rubbing alcohol that has been shat out by a water boar. I look around, thinking, "It must just be because it's all hot and stuff." And upon further whiskey bottle, which was corked a mere 11 hours earlier, is sitting nearly empty on my front seat sans cork. Yeah, note to group: when you have something like that in your car and the average temp of the week is 89, should prob 1. not keep it in the car, 2. put it in the trunk out of direct sunlight, 3. not be an idiot like me... Cause now I am out 20 dolla of high class 101 proof "get stef drunk as hell so she blacks out until the pictures surface on facebook" whiskey.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It Continues

Still at Perkins. Still haven't slept. Breakfast in 3 hours. Should be a blast. I'm sure I'll just assume the moose head on the wall is looking at me. I think the devil is speaking to me from Christopher's computer. My c key still isn't working well. I hate having to type the same thing over and over trying to get the c into words. I was considering calling K in an hour or so and being like "OMG I haven't slept yet. I miss you. Love me. Kbye!"

I bought three DVDs today, because sometimes I randomly need to spend money in order to keep myself happy. I bought: The Reader, Miss Congeniality, and Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. All on the clearance racks. It's fun.

Know what I want to talk about? My happiness. I honestly do not remember ever being this content with any relationship (friendships included). Like, I never want to be not with him. I just want to lie in bed or on the couch and be touching or spooning. Or we could be driving around talking. Or we can lie in the grass or on the pool deck. Or we could talk on the phone, but that isn't as good. But mostly I just like to smell him. That sounds odd, I know, but I really do like the way he smells. See? Do you see this? I'm turning into a girl...
I'm having an issue with this. Because...well, I've never been like this. I never wanted to just throw on some lacy shit and walk seductively into a bedroom before. And right now, I really want to.

Know what else I really want? A haircut. I got frizzies and fucking whatevers. And it's annoying. And it's getting long again...

Now playing: Elton John - Your Song
via FoxyTunes

Oh My.

Sitting in Perkins! It's 2:34 am! WOOOOHOOO. Took a 5-hour energy shot!!!! I'm pretty sure that I'm never sleeping again.

Monday, July 26, 2010

And It's Only 11:50

Reasons why I shouldn't pull an all-nighter just for shits & giggles:

G chat convo: (side note - I can spell. but sometimes my "c" key does not work.)

Rae: hahahahahah
you are awesome
me: time to pee!
Rae: i need to sleep
Sent at 11:48 PM on Monday
me: FINE
hey, sleep bakwards is "peels"
that's fun
i have to go anyway
Rae: um yes
Rae: ok peace out dawggg

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Little Oppossum Goes A Long Way

You're right. It is now past Thursday and I am still employed by Staples. I like how I just blatantly pour out information that could potentially have me fired and I care about as much as I care about the main export of Trier, Germany. Meh. (Random interjection: There is a cricket on the floor of my bathroom, and at first I thought it was dead. But I reached down to touch it and it skittered away. And yes, I am blogging from the bathroom...but only cause it's the only room with a window and my house is hottttt.) Anywho, got my paycheck from job zwei. I don't think I ever mentioned what job two is, simply because I didn't realize it would be more than a two-day thing. Not that making an extra 100/week doing laundry is a bad thing...But really, I guess I'm considered a Personal Care Assistant and I can blog about whatever the hell I want with that job because what is my aunt gonna do? Fire me because I swear or because I'm dating a 41-year old or because I have an unhealthy obsession with Reba McEntire? I think not. Regardless of my ranting about hating my jobs...Basically I help my aunt (who has muscular dystrophy) with certain things like going to the bathroom, laundry, some dishes, vacuuming, etc, when her regular PCA is not able to make it in. And! Just looked at my paystub from said job, and realized I am making 15 cents more than I thought I would make. Which is 1.15 more than my job at Staples...Cause I'm a dumbass and couldn't figure out that $99/11 hours is not 8.85/hr. Wow.

Things I should be doing other than blogging:
Getting drunk (although I should always be doing that...)
Cleaning my room (no seriously...if you could see it)
Updating my calendar which hasn't been crossed off in July
Planning my vacation to The Outer Banks
Emailing my professors with an update on my life since I promised I would
Pretending that I didn't watch an "I didn't know I was pregnant" marathon...
Gathering laundry so that after my odd shift I can wash it at my mom's
(Random interjection 2: I just spent a good 15 minutes on some website reading articles that Melissa linked me to about bad advice from Cosmo/Men's Health. Things they suggest you do during sex that are awful.)
Reading my 1,004,425,243 books
Making a packing list for my Outer Banks trip
Wondering why the tag "insects" existed prior to this post


Now playing: Alkaline Trio - Burn
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Random Thoughts That I Could Make Full Entries If I Cared More

1. My feet hurt more than I could start to explain. This makes no sense. I did nothing different at work last night...If anything I did less work than I normally do. Maybe it was the booze last night, but I had no idea my feet hurt after work (Pause: did not drink at work. I came home and drank), but when I got up this morning, walking to the bathroom felt like torture. Not even being dramatic. I have never wanted a Hover-round more in my life than today. (Aside from the three days in high school when my back went out and I was forced to participate in weight training anyway...)

2. The headline: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
I hope someone else finds this as freaking hilarious as I did/do. Again, may have been the booze, but I could not stop laughing when I read that. And I gave it another chuckle when I woke up this morning.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If you truly believe in God, repost this! Please don't ignore, you are being tested. For it says in the Bible, "deny me in front of everyone, I will deny you in front of my father".....97% WON'T POST......will you? I TRULY BELIEVE IN GOD!!! HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!! He never lets you fall!!
No offense, but I don't really see how not posting that on Facebook is me denying my faith in God. I'm not the type of person who has to tell everyone she knows that she believes in a God, especially since most people don't understand my way of thinking on the subject. And especially since there are so many judgmental people in my life when it comes to this sort of topic.

Das Staples: Tag 99

The saga of Das Staples continues. The following took place as if time were as it is in real life.

I had a dream last night that I went to get my hair cut and hot boss sent me a text message. And it said "Ross and I talked about your decision. What is stopping you?" So I tried texting her back, and it went over the 160 character limit so instead of sending two messages, it just cut the first letter off each word. And then the hair dresser put 4 other people in front of me in line and I was like "hold up! I have to work at 4!" so I just made an appointment for tomorrow because I am off.

So then i went and met with hot boss and we talked for awhile and she convinced me not to quit. And then we played a board game. But when I left the conversation I didn't feel like I had made any real choices.

Basically, what I got from this dream is that I should maybe wait until Thursday to make my final decision. Give myself a few more days to think it over. And as corny-sitcommy as this sounds, make a pro/con list and seriously weigh the issues of what to do.

Monday, July 19, 2010

well shit.

It's not even August and I already feel abandoned. This is why I stop talking to people. Why I stop writing on their facebooks, texting, etc. Because if I'm the one that stops communication then I'm not the one who was left...I'm the leaver. And I'd rather be the bitch who stopped talking to you than the one you wanted to stop talking to.

Also, I might be fired tomorrow because my fingers are stained green and yellow from tie-dying yesterday. Oh well. I can never tell if I should give two weeks notice or just keep working until things get way too out of hand and I end up exploding, having a break-down (Days Inn style) or throwing something, calling the boss the c-word and walking out. I have never done that last one...and I don't really intend to throw something, because let's face it...things sold at Staples are heavy and I don't need a lawsuit on top of all the bs that is going on in my life right now.

I applied at Home Depot & Radio Shack today...I tried the movie theater but they are not hiring. I guess I'll just add those to the list of places that don't want me. The list is getting quite long.

Oh, I should retro-actively explain why I might be fired/throw something/drop the c-bomb.
Are you sitting down? I didn't iron my shirt before work. What? I know. Who does? Well, after a quick survey of employees, no one. Also, there was ink on my shirt. Let me tell you something about the life of a cashier at Das Staples: at the end of the night, you sort ink and toner. Sometimes this ink gets on you.
I don't have a washer & dryer at home. I don't have more than one shirt (well, I do, but the other shirt is stained worst than this one. AND I have now told all THREE managers that I only have one shirt...yeah, you see how that panned out. Ain't got shit from them). I'm not going to buy an iron & ironing board for a job that I actually have no desire to be at anymore. And even if my c-boss finds my blog and fires me 2birds1blog style, then maybe I will be less suicidal. At the very least, I will no longer have to see that bitch's face again because she lives in a town 45 miles from me.

Friday, July 16, 2010

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I seriously almost just slit my wrists because it is so fucking hot. And my uniform is so fucking hot. And I'm crying. And have to leave for work. And CRYING.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

One time...

...I was driving up a hill towards a stop sign, and I hit my brakes. And they did not work, so I had a panic attack and let go of the wheel, but continued to slam on the brakes repeatedly until they worked. This caused me to swerve recklessly towards a large pick-up truck who didn't actually slow down or stop or anything, just watched me coming at him clearly out of control.

That sounds symbolic of my life, however, that was not just there for dramatic effect. I really did almost die today.

Sigh, I reveal one detail about K and the judging has begun. And it's the "Oh." type of judging. You know what I mean. Where they don't even comment audibly; they just look at you and you can tell they are thinking, "What is wrong with her?"

I sort of want there to be a thunderstorm. I think well during them. I am honestly thinking about going and sitting somewhere and hoping it rains on me. Or lightning strikes me. Either way, it would be a good ending to today.
Today marks my breaking point, I'm sure of it. It's awful when the first thing that happens when you wake up, is sheer frustration mixed with a bowl of nausea. Not to mention...four children, ages 7-11 are going to be in my care for 5 hours. God help them and me.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Random Thoughts

*K is having some strange effects on me. I just realized I haven't had underwear on all day. I also think about odd things now. Like working in a plastics factory (vomit) (also, that wasn't against people who do, there's just no way I could do it), buying a house, becoming a mother...WHAT? I know.

Lord knows that taking the pregnancy test the other day was about the most terrifying experience of my life. I was in a tornado three times (luv u midwest!), car accidents, college level chemistry...and peeing on a stick was the most terrifying experience. By the way...if my family reads this, they now know what goes on in my personal life. Sex left unprotected in the heat of the moment... But the good news is, that I am not pregnant. (And I guess bad news for them, since they only care about the people in this family with children and/or significant others.)

*I am 24 years old. I just danced in the rain, because I am THAT happy that it is no longer 93+ degrees.

*Dear God, please let me win Safety Bingo at work, because I need the bonus. Amen.

Now playing: Regina Spektor - Apres Moi
via FoxyTunes
I hate when people get everything handed to them. Especially when people who actually work to get things get fucked over because of the people getting shit handed to them.

I can't wait til you get to the real world and realize that it is nothing like what you've become accustomed to.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

I Pray For Snow (My Now Playing is Wishful Thinking)

If this east coast heat wave doesn't break soon, I might. Good God it is hot. It's supposed to hit 89 today. And this is after three other days of 90+ temperatures. Tuesday it was 103 at one point. Now normally, this town reaches 90 once and then we move on. Yeah, no such thing as global warming...It hasn't rained in 9 days (according to the radio weather announcer...).

I had to take a shower today because walking to the bathroom from my bedroom to pee made me so incredibly sweaty, that my pants were stuck to me. I'm debating going to the pool at my mom's, but that would involve walking to my car, sitting in said heat-box for 15 minutes, and then walking to the pool. Yesterday I ate once - twice if you count the stale, out-dated peach-o's I ate while on break - because it was so freaking hot that I just lie in my bed and stared at the fan that is blowing cooler air at me. Note, not cold or even cool air, it's just less hot than the air around me.

On a completely unrelated note, a week ago Aaryn & I drove to Pittsburgh to go to the airport, and on the way back we stopped at a McDonald's to get iced coffees. I went to the register and said, "Hi. Could I have a small vanilla iced coffee and a small hazlenut iced coffee?" She starts pressing buttons and then looks at me, and says, "We don't have small ones. Only medium and large." I looked back at her, thinking 'She must know what I'm about to say...' but nothing happened so I said, "I want the smaller one. So, medium I guess." And she looked at me for a second again, and went on with her work. (Not to mention, she forgot what flavors I ordered. BTW, did you know, there are only two even if she had given us one of each just trying to cover her shit, she would've been right.)

I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU to go to and type in "define: medium." Go ahead, I'll wait....Back? If you look through all the other bullshit definitions, you will find:

average: around the middle of a scale of evaluation

Ok, So where I come from, to have a medium, you must have at least 1 smaller and at least 1 larger. So for me to say "Can I have a small iced coffee" when there are only two sizes was completely correct. And McDonald's sucks. That is basically what my point was.

Now playing: Paramore - When It Rains
via FoxyTunes

Monday, July 05, 2010

My God I am fucking bored as shit. And I can't do anything because its fucking hot outside and inside. And moving makes me want to vomit. I'm pretty sure I couldn't even have sex right now because I would just die.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

A Dream of Independence

I had a very odd, yet on-topic for the day dream last night. It was Fourth of July and I was at some beach and the fireworks were going to start soon, but I needed to buy something. So my cousin Stacey, my dad and I were in line all buying stuff and the cashier was about the slowest thing since cold molasses. So Stacey goes first and the lady asks if she wants to enter a drawing to win money and she says "sure" and fills out the form and then I try to fill out the form, but it's like...ridiculous questions: How many ounces was your purchase today? Why did you purchase what you did? and other strange as shit questions. And I was like "I'm just rebuying my wallet..." So my dad starts to pay while we I am filling out my ticket to win $63,200 and I hear a firework go off. So I just write smiley faces for all the questions I didn't answer and start running with Stacey to the inlet where you can see the fireworks best.

As we're running, Betty White walks by and I try to ask if I can take our picture together, but Stacey won't let me stop. So we get to the inlet, and the finale has just ended and we're both kind of upset. So then we hear some crackling behind us and the entire beach turns to see some smoke and stuff and we get excited until the entire building (about a mile away) just explodes into a mushroom cloud. We all see flames and sparks and smoke pouring out and spreading across the sky so everyone starts running. An announcement (from like the lifeguard station) comes on and it says, "Everyone, this is not a firework or a drill. Please start running as fast as you can away from the explosion. Watch for falling pickles."

Even dream me is like "Wait, pickles? We are running from flaming pickles? What the hell?" But we run to the top of a hill, and naturally, I start taking pictures of the flames and pickles and stuff.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Is this really what being in love is like? Cause if so, I hate it. I can't turn my mind off. I can't stop thinking about what happens when it's over. I can't stop thinking about what happens if it's never over. I'm going crazy.
I am freaking out and I have no idea why. But I seriously just want to go sit somewhere and cry.