Thursday, December 30, 2010
1. The Pittsburgh Penguins - Just because I live in PA, and more importantly close to Pitt, doesn't mean I am a fan. And more importantly I do not care about hockey. I do not care who wins the Stanley Cup. I do not care about Malkin, Crosby, or Fleury... Most importantly (and most annoyingly) I do not want to see "Let's go PENS!" plastered on your facebook status every ten seconds. I enjoy a little bit of football now & then, even some Nascar, maybe MAYBE a soccer game...but I don't understand how fandom gets to the point where EVERY status update includes your dedication to a hockey team. Actual post from my feed: "Congrats to my sister ___ on getting married. Let's go PENS!"
2. Medicare Enrollment - I don't even know how much I would need to go into this one, but...I really cringe everything that god-awful-longer-than-sin commercial comes on. Because it can't just tell you how easy and adjustable Medicare is, NO! it has to have 4 examples from 4 real customers. AND THEN they have to pound into your brain that enrollment ends at midnight on December 31st. I don't even have cable and I've seen this commercial more than I have seen my own father whom I live with in the last week.
3. Going Green - Now, I'm all for recycling and trying to slow down global warming and don't pollute, save water, etc. I am in no way against ANY of that, in fact I love the fact that people want to save polar bears and that they want their grandchildren to be able to breathe, and what not. However, I don't need to see it every 5 feet. Most people don't even know what they are talking about. "Oh, I bought this recycled thing, that must mean I'm green. LOOK HOW GREEN I AM! I ONLY FLUSH WHEN I SHIT. I'M SO GREEN!!! JUST CALL ME THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT!" Blah blah...I get it. Eating meat is awful. Using paper towels is awful. Not using a bus instead of my car is awful. And I know, I should just get a Prius and call it a day. Well, if I had enough money for a Prius, then I wouldn't be sitting here on my blog. I'd be out spending my money. But anyway...yeah. I'm just sick of hearing about it. Do your green shit, but don't spread it all over your facebook. It's like when you do something else you should've just been doing your whole life without having to be told...Do you announce to everyone that you wash your dishes instead of throwing them in a landfill each time they are dirty? No. You don't.
4. The Pittsburgh Steelers (and more specifically their awful QB) - Again, with the proximity thing...BR (the QB) is not the greatest quarterback of all time. He reminds me of Shrek. I don't want to be reminded of his greatness everytime I flip on NFL Sunday. And here is why. He is a terrible athlete. He can't run. He can't pass. He can't do shit. He gets lucky. Tom Brady, now THERE is an athlete. Also...I really dislike the Steelers because everyone around this neck of the woods likes to use the phrase "We did really great last night" or "Woah, we really killed the Bears today!" Did you? Cause when I saw the game, I didn't notice you out on the field. Did I miss that? Were you the one who scored that touchdown? No? Oh...
- empty my garbage can
- clean off my desk
- put away laundry that was washed on Dec. 19th
- make room for a bookshelf to aid in cleaning my desk
- watch Slumdog Millionaire OR one of the 8 new DVDs I have
- slept until 11
- washed a dish
- removed all the farmville posts from my feed on facebook back to Nov. 29th
- sent a friend a message on facebook
- nearly threw up
- self-pleasuring (hey, why lie at this point?)
- looked at the garbage & wished for magical powers
Monday, December 27, 2010
in other news, i want an addiction. i legit considered heroin the other day, but decided against it...i don't know what, but suggestions on what i should get addicted to are welcome and appreciated. please and thanks!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Ev'rywhere you go.
Just look at the bags and tags; consumer-ing once again.
With debit cards and credit cards, let's go!
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas,
Bills at every door.
But the prettiest sight to see, is the violence that will be
Oh, in ev'ry store!
Yep. I'm that person. I know that most kids will never know what Christmas was supposed to be about. All they'll know is that they get presents from lots of people and that it's a time to spend lots of money on things that will soon sit in a corner or a landfill and never be seen again. Happy Holidays! (Oh, and that's another thing...there are more holidays than Christmas around this time, so people need to get off their high-horses and realize it.)
Friday, December 03, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I had been visiting someone and got parked in, so we had to lift my car and move it out of the spot, but once I got it out, I decided to hang out a little longer. So I parked it on the other side of the street. I went into the house that I parked it at, which happened to be my old house (in real life) and when I got inside, there was a man standing there who told me that I was going to be late for school if I didn't hurry. So I was rushing around and then the guy came back into the kitchen, carrying something. He asked me to go outside with him, so I did and he set the thing he was carrying down. It was a baby orangutan.
He played around in the mud a little bit, getting his clothes really dirty, and then the guy was like "Oh crap. Take him inside and get to school." He rushed away, so I took the little baby inside and he kept squeezing my finger like human babies do. I set him down and thought, I can't let him just sit here all muddy, so I gave him a bath in the sink. And then I took him upstairs and put him in fresh clean clothes. I decided to go ahead and blow off school since I was really late already and every time I put him down to play, he crawled back up in to my arms.
The end. I woke up thinking that this either means I want a child...OR more likely, I really need to stop denying that I'm doing everything I want and that I'm ok with my current situation, and go do what I really want. But I'm too scared to do that. So I guess I will continue to kiss ass and pretend like everything is okay with the world. And be unhappy forever. Or get pregnant.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
"I actually have no idea. But, I could get an EasyTech for you. He might be able to help."
"That is the most honest answer I have ever heard from a store like this. And I want to thank you for not bullshitting with me about an answer."
"Oh. Well, you're welcome?"
"No really. I appreciate it. Most people just go on and on in circles making stuff up."
Huh. Usually when I tell people that I don't know the answer to their obscure questions that they could've googled and saved themselves not only the time to drive out there, but also the gas and a headache, they get REALLY upset with me.
But like, really...Just because I work in a store that sells Quicken does not mean I know everything about Quicken. And just because we sell Coke products does not mean I am in control of Coke. Sorr.
Monday, November 22, 2010
"Thanks for rubbing that in..."
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
"Every once in a while she would open her eyes, but the slightest second of eye contact made her feel embarrassed, like he could see into her soul. She sometimes felt like he could see how she really felt about everything and that her true feelings would scare him."
I realized today that I am projecting all over my novel's main character. She's becoming me. And it's terrifying to think that someone who reads it might know that it's me.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 08, 2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
And then sometimes, like now, I don't even pretend to not care.
In other news, I am starting to become emotionally attached to someone new...not a boy or anything...but a friend and I know I'm just going to eff myself over in the end. I know this is happening because I dreamt about this person. And this dream was not hard to interpret in the slightest.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
1. The kind you remember: That tv only had three channels, sometimes four when you got lucky. That Rudolph doll was from Germany, it walked and played music and its nose lit up when you flipped a switch. The cat was really soft, but its limbs were stiff, you couldn't really bend them. The blanket on the chair was a really awful rough texture. And the chair...One time I had a dream that the floor was covered in snakes and the only way to escape them was to get on the chair, but I was too small and couldn't get on it. My dad was on it, and he kept reaching out for me but I couldn't reach his arm. I never did get saved from the snakes. I set up the camera to take that picture because I was always alone for at least an hour, sometimes two, after school and got bored.
But the worst part about seeing this photo, aside from the memories of my first house from when I was happy and part of a family that actually showed that they cared...is the foreshadowed sadness in my eyes.
2. The kind you don't remember: I know that this was taken in Germany. In my Oma's drawer. I apparently used to hang out in that drawer all the time. There are lots of pictures of me in drawers in Germany. In fact, there are lots of pictures of me in Germany that I don't remember. Age baby through 12...I have forgotten so much about Germany. I can remember everything about the cat in the above picture from how lose and how pink its nose is to how many gray stripes it had to the bent whisker that I tried to rip off. I have zero recollection of that doll. Or that kitchen. Zero.
3. The kind you don't want to remember: This may seem like a harmless photo. It's just a picture of some steel and a crane, right? Wrong. I would give anything to forget about 1997 and everything that went with this picture. I don't care if the person who took this picture were to die. I don't care if that person disappeared off the face of the planet. Literally, anything. If I could go back in time and change anything...regardless of any effect it would have on my friends, college choice, career, drug use, etc, I would change this. I would give everything I have now up, if I could go back and fix the feelings of being so alone and suicidal and unloved and all-around awful because of the person who took this picture. You can't even imagine what it's like to see this and think of the only two people you can say you honestly hate. I would've posted a picture of them, but somehow all the pictures of them disappeared in a fire I started with my lighter. The memories flood back and I get depressed all over again.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
I'm driving to the bank (I think it was the bank, it was a very specific day...) and I'm at this intersection which has five streets. And I think back to 2005 when I was at college, but heard about some kid committing suicide near that intersection. There was a guy standing there and my immediate reaction was to panic about him.
Scenario 1: He pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head. And I'm the only one at this 5-way intersection so I have to call 911. I'm trying to dial, but all I can think about is how traumatizing it is to see someone shoot their brains out.
Scenario 2 (much worse): He pulls out the gun and puts it to his head. And so I floor it through the light, throw my car into park and rush over to try and stop him. I'm standing there telling him that there must be something he can think of to live for. He tells me that his wife and kids just died. He doesn't have a job or money and he doesn't know what to do about life. I tell him that I have often felt the same way, but then I found someone worth sticking around for; that I found someone to love. And I talk him out of it, but people drove past and saw so they called the cops. And when the cops get there they see that he isn't going to kill himself, so they ask me how I got him to not. The news people come and want to interview me, but I panic because then my family would know about my past and I didn't want that to happen. So I was just like "Um, I don't want to be recognized..."
Now playing: Aimee Mann - Humpty Dumpty
The only panic session I'm having about this, is that I did know where he was, and there was an anonymous tip about where he was. And I fear that I will get the blame placed on me. And while it crossed my mind countless times, I know that I would freak out from guilt and tell K that it was me and then he would hate me. It wasn't me. I couldn't do that. I would never do that. But holy cow, this is hopefully the best thing that could've happened. Forgive me, dear readers, but I may have sex again. And that is exciting.
Now playing: Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
There is just something so touching about seeing people that love each other and such good friends having to part. Even though, it is a happy thing. One is getting married, something she would've never thought would happen...especially at the point in her life that she's at. One realizes that her real family is right where she's been.
I fall apart every time I see it. I cry when I hear him propose the second time - for real.
I cry when Sophia is sad at losing her daughter - even though I never figured out why she acts like they will never see each other again...It's her daughter. They both have phones. Also, it's Blanche's uncle...She wont' ever see her uncle again? I cry when Rose realizes that she needs to stay with them instead of living with her daughter. But mostly I cry when I hear Dorothy thank them and call them angels. Ugh, there is like, nothing I want more out of life than their friendship.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The site starts out with questions that I think about all the time. To quote: "traditional adult status defined as: leaving home, finishing school, getting married, having a child, and being financially independent"
Should I be financially independent at 24? And if I should be, what did I do wrong?
I thought I was doing everything right...I went to college, and finished. After a week of being back in my home state, adjusting to the realization that I am no longer a student, I started applying for jobs. Not only degree-related jobs, but every job that I saw I could do, in the hopes to save up enough money to move on and get my own apartment. It took almost a year for me to land a job, and although I really like it and do everything right (I never call off, I will cover any shift you ask, I'm willing to learn new things, come in early, help other people, etc) it's just not paying off. I have $80 in my savings account. And there is no way I could afford to live on my own on $100/week. I don't buy frivolous things all the time. Sometimes I will buy a candy bar or a t-shirt that I don't really need. But I don't just spend money randomly. I think of myself as financially responsible for the most part.
Should I be married and/or a parent?
*If I can't even afford to support myself, there is no way that the answer to either of these is yes.
I think the most important aspect is being responsible, in general. If you are unemployed, then I don't think you have the right to pick & choose which jobs you will apply to. If you are using your parent(s) to support you for EVERYTHING, then I don't think you have the right to complain about anything...especially if other people in your family are paying rent. To your mother. I just don't understand how someone can not feel bad, when taking advantage of someone simply because she knows that she can. If you can't afford to continue your habits, then you shouldn't rely on someone else to support them. And if this habit happens to be smoking, but people paying rent don't smoke, then you should respect that. Mostly, I think you should fucking get responsible and stop pissing people off. Selfishness is the worst quality in a person.
And this was the most passive-aggressive paragraph I think I have ever written, and I don't care.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Well, 1. deal with it. And 2. I usually only blog when something spectacularly exciting happens or I'm depressed. That first one rarely happens, and the latter was pretty intense lately. And I couldn't bring myself to let people in on this one.
If you want to know what goes on in my day-to-day world, go here: http://stefsthreesixtyfiveproject.blogspot.com/
I will be posting a dream later.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Wish I didn't have to work tomorrow...I just want to sleep until Sunday.
(Don't know if you'll get the reference to Clone High. "I miss 'im" is a quote from Ghandi's kidney, referring to the other kidney.)
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
I've been having really weird fears and panic sessions lately. Sessions sounds like a dumb word to use here, but that's really all I've got. I woke up, and was thinking about later when I am going over to see K. And he told me last night that the "neighbor" wanted to kick his ass for existing. And this "neighbor" was in the bar on Tuesday for Rick & Jack. Naturally, when I went into the parking lot and told Melissa about this fun discovery, I went into panic mode. This is what followed, in my mind. *This did not really happen.*
Melissa & Fran drive away. As I'm getting into my car "neighbor" comes over and says, "I saw you looking at my fiance. Are you some kind of dyke? You want to fuck my girl?"
Me: "No, what? I just thought I recognized her."
N: "I think you want her. You sick fuck."
He then proceeds to beat the shit out of me, while I think about how I'm going to just die. Because there is no way I would survive something like this. And I can't call K, because that would just put him in a position to get himself killed too. And no one in the bar is going to come out here. And fiancee is just going to sit and watch, because she knows that she'll just get beaten next. Since that's the kind of guy N is.
That is scene 1. Possible scene 2:
Fiancee comes up to me and asks if I am who she thinks I am. The answer is yes. She then punches me in the face. Because she is jealous of me sleeping with K and being happy because she gave him up to be with "neighbor" who is a jealous and abusive man. And she just wishes her life could be better than what she has. And I don't know how to react, except stand there and watch her yell and fall apart.
So then, this morning. I was thinking about when K is looking at my car, and how the "neighbor" would see it. And come over and flip shit. And he makes comments about my appearance and stuff, and so I run into the house and sit there on the couch crying until K finally gets a chance to come inside. But he doesn't get a chance until fiance convinces "neighbor" not to kill K. Especially since we are on K's property. But I didn't get to the part where K makes me feel better. Just me sitting on the couch with my phone trying to think of who I could call to make me less anxious.
There was another panic session, but that is not related to the other ones presented here. And deserves its own entry.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
My cousin wanted me to post about my epic dream. But I really don't feel like it right now.
I bought a mini-strobe light today. Because it was 40% off. And we are having a party. That is seriously the only reason. Someone coming has epilepsy, so hopefully we keep him away from that.
I've been having some serious emotional issues lately. I would rather not discuss them at this moment. I just felt like I should blog.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
* That actually made a good transition into: I'm pretty sure I have IBS. Or food poisoning that just. will. not. quit.
* It is FUCKING raining. Yesterday, was 80+ degrees, sunny, beautiful...you know, the perfect day. And today is our zoo day. Yes, the day with scattered thunderstorms all effing afternoon. Too bad, when she wakes up, we are going to Erie and it will be fun. I don't care how wet I get (lol, that's what she said) and then I will go hot-tubbing and get my window fixed. Since it is currently raining into my car. Dear K, please fix my car today. Love S.
* I won safety bingo at work. Seventy. Five. Dollar. Bonus. I am so happy.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
1. I had that surgery on Wednesday.
2. On Thursday (I think?), my computer stopped charging my battery. I had absolutely no contact with the outside world...what the hell? Well, I had to go drop $500 for a new computer, because it was basically the same price to fix the old one. For the third time....not gonna happen, Dell. Sorr about the bag, Dell. Not happening. (seventh bullet point) But, anyway. That happened.
3. You would not even believe what happened with K, even if you had witnessed it. I mean, I did not, but holy shit. I'm going to even go one step further: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I can't divulge details, because that may be illegal, I'm not sure. He didn't do anything illegal...but I will try to sum it up in 5 words or less: fugitive, dog, abandoned, children, wife. In no particular order. Yeah, needless to say, I now know why he didn't answer my phone call or call me back. I now know more about why I will never get married. And I now know more about what makes a good parent. (Versus a completely shitty one.)
4. Speaking of fugitives and abandonment. Apparently someone else from the messed up family that my mother so lovingly brought me into has left the building. So, that's...that.
5. The neighbor took his cows to butcher. This makes me sad, because all that is left is the tiny calf that never comes over to the fence and licks me. The big ones did. I hope they get more before they move. There is also a horse, but it is not as friendly (or stupid?) as the cows were.
The good news, however, is that I have a webcam now. This could also be bad news for my facebook friends, as I have taken a shitton of photos.
Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Good Enough
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The only bad thing that happened was, brace yourself...a shot in the roof of my mouth. The roof. Of my mouth. Just think about that. Ever bite down on a pretzel too hard? Yeah...PAIN. But it really wasn't that bad, just a little pressure.
Anyway, I'm supposed to just sit around and wait for the bleeding to stop.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I got five new pairs, including one pair of purple ones for K. (We have the same favorite color. = soul mates.) They are a weird texture, but weird in a good way. I am actually excited about this $14 investment.
Throwing a Halloween party the weekend before Halloween. People best show up, because I have spent $24. And that is before most food, candy, costume, and drinks. Mostly I've been buying random shit from the dollar store to decorate. Good thing I am co-hosting with Mandy.
I hate when I run into someone and know that I know them, but can not for the life of me remember who or how. For example, during the fair, someone pointed out someone's wife. And I was like "Oh, I know her. But who is she?" This was in August. Just now, my dad said something about how he was playing around on Facebook and he found her husband. And it obviously had her on there, but obviously without her maiden name. And we scrolled through their friend lists, and I realized I know a lot of the same people as them. AND THEN! I busted out my 2003 yearbook, and found her. All is right with the world. We were in French Club together for probably all three years we were in high school together and...she was one of the hot, pretty, skinny, blond girls. And she landed herself a successful and attractive guy...
And then I got a cold. Sometime around 11 am. While at work. Hence, I stood there blowing my nose from 11-4, trying to avoid looks from customers, rubbing Purell all over my hands & arms. And then my boss told us she thinks she has Hookworm. Don't click that link if you have a weak stomach. You have been warned.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
- You wanna know what was wrong with me this morning that led me to ask what was wrong with me? I had just woken up from a 15 minute nap after driving home from spending the night with someone I love, after asking him for financial help with something (something I don't normally do...ever), and not being turned down. Instead I got an apology that he couldn't help me out more. And the thing I need help with, is paying for a doctor because I think there is something wrong with me for reals this time. It is a very personal thing, and unless the results come back cancer or anything remotely as dangerous, this will be the last you hear of it. Assuming my doctor doesn't terrify me into nightmares again...But during some light physical activity he (K, not the doctor) kept asking if I was ok because I looked like I was in pain. (Side note: apparently I look the same when feeling pain and extreme pleasure.) So the combination of being scared of seeing a doctor and knowing that he cares about me led me to feel strange and wonder what was wrong.
- Nice transition into being an adult...I am going to call a doctor tomorrow. All by myself. And ask if I can have an appointment. Because it has reached a point where I am legitimately afraid of what is happening to me. I have only ever done this once in my life, and that was just a chiropractor. Not even someone you have to strip down and get looked at with.
- So, when I spend time with K, I usually get really depressed after we are no longer together. Mainly because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him. (Which I think is different from loving someone, call me crazy if you need.) But this morning, like I said, I didn't cry on my way to work. I didn't cry on my lunch break. I don't know if it was because he was meeting me after work to lend me the money or not. I was very happy to see him in the parking lot when I went out to my car. I was very hesitant to invite him out with Melissa & I, mainly because of things he has told me, but also because I don't want to get too attached. (Hello, I'm attached to the weirdest things, so imagine how I am with people...) And if it was because of that, I think I would've cried when he told me that he doesn't know what the fuck happened with his bank account, and he can not lend me the money until at least Thursday, but really not for two or three weeks. I honestly think it is because in college and high school, you practically see your friends everyday. Literally, every single day. And now that I am not in school, I don't have the luxury of that. I actually have to make my own entertainment (see next bullet point). I digress. I did not fall apart when he turned down a different street than me and went home.
- I went out to a bar to hear a band tonight. I didn't do it because I thought I would sit at home and be depressed and alone. I didn't do it because I was begged to. I actually did it because I wanted to. I went to a bar the other day to hear a different band; one that I really like. I usually enjoy myself, although sometimes I get tired and am at the mercy of the driver, thus irritable and drunk. I even left a situation that K was in to see them. I just wish he understood why I always want to be with him instead of doing all these other things...but I'm not in college anymore. Sleepovers are rare now, although still as enjoyable. But I guess my entertainment is no longer other people, but the occasional tv show on Hulu and movies that I watch over & over. And I am surprisingly ok with this. At least for now.
Friday, September 03, 2010
I was wearing a tank top and a really long strand of Mardi Gras type beads. I mean, really long, like wrapped around my neck 25 times, draped around my shoulders and stuff like that. They were really jingly. Mostly purple, blue & green. I was in the bathroom looking in the regular mirror and then I started doing ballet and twirling everywhere and I twirled over to the shower. Looked in the mirror in the shower, and saw that I was wearing a white mask that only my eyes showed through. And I thought "Oh, so now no one can see my emotions."
Something about my dad and I needing to pick up a pizza for my family, and there being a really long wait. And then I was in a scene from the tv show Huge. And I don't even know. But it was weird.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
In sum, I am falling apart once again. And once again I sit holding the phone getting ready to call my manager and tell her that I can't come in. So I can sit around my house in the silence and wonder what comes next. So I can go through the above loop of actions over and over and over like the Energizer Bunny. So I can over think every thing that he has said or done, hasn't said or done...especially "I love you" because I don't think he does. So I can think about how I panicked over something as small as a phone call. This feeling shall pass, but not quickly enough.
But I don't want it to pass. I want to be in his arms at all times. Feel his skin against mine. Let him touch me the way that he does. Look into his eyes and know that he cares.
I want to not be in love. But always be in love.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Uno: It was simply my feet and another set of feet (I think my dad's) that were floating in a little puddle of ocean water bleeding from the soles. The blood was making little swirls on the surface. And that was it.
Looking up foot/feet in the dream dictionary is difficult, because there are a lot of different ways to see a foot in a dream...and none of them, shockingly, are 'bleeding from who knows what.' Most of the sections suggest cutting it on glass, but something about me knows that it was not from glass. To dream that you injured or hurt your foot, signifies a lack of progress, freedom, and independence. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you have taken a step in the wrong direction. The sole of the foot may be a pun of being or feeling like the "sole" or only support of some person or situation.
Zwei: K and I workin the same place (but I have no idea where it was) and our shifts were over for the night and we were in the parking lot. He tells me that he's going to go get dinner with Kyle (son) and so I say, "Ok, see you tomorrow," and try to get in my car. But when I pull the passenger side door (cause I put something in that side) it won't shut - sorta like when the seatbelt is in the way and it bounces back...but that's not why. But I start backing out anyway and debate calling K to come help me. But I've waited too long and I have no reception. There are a lot of people standing around in the parking lot for the next shift and I start getting nervous because my door won't close, so I just drive away anyway, with my door open. I drive to my mom's house and I walk in the kitchen and ask what to do. She tells me to call K, that he won't mind. So I press "Send" and I wake up.
There isn't even anything really to look up. I'm terrified of being alone with strangers in my waking life. My car is a piece of shit in my waking life. My cell phone's reception is about as reliable as a car with no wheels. And hardly any of my dreams have closure.
However, my window broke awhile back (like March) and I had K fix it. So then about a week before my vacation another window broke the same way. And I just didn't tell anyone why there was peace sign duct tape on my car...But then I broke down and told my mom to see if she would buy me the part I needed and asked her if she thought K would fix it if I asked. So I called him and asked him. And he said yes. So, I am either getting more prophetic in my dreams or my dream life is as awesomely boring as my waking life. (OOH! Title line! Take a shot!)
Monday, August 23, 2010
- Condo had 23 mirrors but only 16 rooms; 2 in my bathroom, and 1 whole wall was a mirror
- Condo was themed and had 231 monkeys (statues, the pool floor, pillows, etc)
- On the drive down I saw 33 different state license plates, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 36
- On the drive back I saw 34 states, 2 Canadian provinces, & D.C. for a total of 37
- Overall, I saw 38/50 states (76%) and 3/10 provinces
- We ate at 3 Outer Banks restaurants (not counting fast food or large chains)
- Watched 1 sunrise, 2 sunsets, 4 fishing boats come in, 5 surfers, 2 kayakers, and countless dolphins
- Found 2 conch shells, 1 piece of coral, 2 unidentifiable things, & 25 shells on the beach
- Bought 3 shot glasses, 1 t-shirt, 1 hoodie, 2 pants, 4 postcards, 1 keychain, 2 can coozies, 3 boxes of salt water taffy & 1 magnet
Thursday, August 19, 2010
2. I miss K. It's disgusting how much I don't want to be in love because it's so hard for me to be just 12 minutes away from him, let alone 12 hours.
3. The other day I was in the bathroom trying to keep some of my stomach lining from being purged and I just started crying. I ended up in the fetal position mouthing the phrase "I want to go home" over and over. I couldn't even make any noise because I was crying so hard. I don't remember ever falling apart so roughly. I'm sure it was a mixture of my diet of Pepto and water for the prior 6 hours, the fact that no one in this family can be nice for more than 5 minutes, and my intense desire to spend time with K with no one else around.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tried her hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So in a way, I'm glad you're still here.
It's a bittersweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you
from doing this to me?
(Jennifer Nettles' voice is way too country for me sometimes, but I love this song: "Keep You" by Sugarland)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
People who open their cell phones and then proceed to listen to every ringtone. Over. And. Over. For absolutely no reason.
And now to change the subject slightly. These don't piss me off like the list of things I hate; they simply upset me and/or make no sense.
1. Book sox. No, not them in general. But did you know they cost anywhere from 3.99 to 6.99 (at least at my store)? And did you know that they have the stupidest designs on them? ie. Steelers, Cleveland sports, 3D swirls, etc. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, did you know, that some schools require these...AS PART OF A GRADE. Yes, that's right. Having these expensive book covers instead of the old school paper bags from the grocery store that worked for, oh, YEARS, is becoming part of your child's grade. Now, where I come from, grades are based on performance, intelligence, effort...and not how much money you spend on book covers.
2. My name is spelled: Stefanie. Write that down, memorize it, recite it as your meditation mantra, get it tattooed. I don't care. If I have known you for more than 1 month, and/or you have written my name down at any time, then you should just know this. Five months into a relationship where you write my name down 4 times a week, copying it from another piece of paper, you should know that it is spelled with an "f." And you people who eff this up do realize that I am not the only person that spells it this way right? My god, you people can't spell most other words correctly, but when it comes to spelling something phonetically, then you can't do it. Say it with me, "Stef with an f."
Monday, August 09, 2010
So I saw him today. And I realized that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Because DAMN.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
* I had one of those conversations I have with no one (link, paragraph 2) on my way home from Christopher's tonight. Mainly because my vacation is quickly approaching and I will be with my family for 8 days. EIGHT DAYS of awkwardness with them knowing (thanks facebook) that I am "in a relationship." And I'm not even really in a relationship the way that one would think. I mean, relationship doesn't mean that we go on dates and share ice cream cones and the like...Even the definition of relationship is: a state of connectedness between people. I have a relationship with my readers. I have a relationship with Lisa, the UPS driver that does a pick up every night at work and sometimes brings us cookies. I have a relationship with my professors that I don't see anymore. It's all in what kind of relationship it is. And yes, K & I have an emotional connection, but it doesn't really go far enough that I need to tell my family every detail about his existence.
But I have veered from the actual conversation I had with them in my car. It started with "I think we should play a game called 'Getting to Know You' because sometimes I don't feel like a part of this family. I feel very alienated for a lot of reasons, and thus I don't think anyone really knows much about me." I went on to explain why this massive feeling of alienation is lingering over me - and has been on & off for years. Some main points:
A. I went to a different high school than all my aunts & uncles, 95% of my cousins, and 100% of the people they know; I am left out of every conversation involving anyone they know because I didn't have this teacher and I don't know that person.
B. I didn't play sports or join dance, and instead did things like Choir & French Club. I never wanted to be part of a team or be aggressive. They seem to think this is strange.
C. I don’t attend church on a regular basis. This one needs no explanation.
D. I left the state to go to college and didn’t want to come back. While there, I made friends with people of color, different religions, and most importantly, the homos. My family makes it a point to call me a lesbian whenever we are together simply because I had never been in a relationship with a male before. And because I have gay friends. This clearly means that I must be gay as well.
But I really feel like I’m left out of everything. Also, just because I have tattoos and a pierced face and don’t attend church doesn’t mean that I am a horrible person.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Now, there are several different kinds of serious conversations. And my reaction/feelings about them vary depending on which kind it is. I'm confusing you, but bear with me.
1. I cry. I cry when I am frustrated or upset. Sometimes I cry when nothing has happened.
This includes: convos about my past, my future, my family in Germany, sometimes my family in the US, friendships that have ended, some friendships I have now.
2. I get other kinds of depressed. And then I spend a week freaking out about whatever the conversation was about. Including but not limited to: isolation, insomnia, excess sleeping, physical pain, moving, making odd decisions, tattooing, and spending too much money.
This includes: my life plan, talks of religion (afterlife & such included)
3. I re-evaluate my entire life.
Monday, August 02, 2010
1. Where the hell did summer go?
2. Yay vaycay starting in 11 days.
3. Where the hell did summer go?
4. It should be a good one since it came in like a lion...(I know, it's not March, but my emotions were SHIT yesterday...)
My wrist/hand still hurts from my sex injury. Like, holy mother does it hurt this morning. And now I'm off to do job #2, even though, I really don't know how I will be of any use today. "Oh, you want me to try and grasp things? About that..." I wish I had won powerball this past Saturday because I would A. quit my job and travel the world and B. go to a doctor.
See, I really don't want much from this world, just enough money to take care of my ailing hand and to see the Pyramids.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
- paper cuts
- being behind someone slow in a store with no way around/past
- waiting for something to happen that never will (ie: my zookeeper career)
2. Today around 6:30 am, I got in my car and drove home. I left my bottles of whiskey & rum in the car because they will come in handy tomorrow night. Well, today around 5:00 pm, I get in my car to buy lottery tickets for K. It smells like rubbing alcohol that has been shat out by a water boar. I look around, thinking, "It must just be because it's all hot and stuff." And upon further investigation...my whiskey bottle, which was corked a mere 11 hours earlier, is sitting nearly empty on my front seat sans cork. Yeah, note to group: when you have something like that in your car and the average temp of the week is 89, should prob 1. not keep it in the car, 2. put it in the trunk out of direct sunlight, 3. not be an idiot like me... Cause now I am out 20 dolla of high class 101 proof "get stef drunk as hell so she blacks out until the pictures surface on facebook" whiskey.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
I bought three DVDs today, because sometimes I randomly need to spend money in order to keep myself happy. I bought: The Reader, Miss Congeniality, and Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. All on the clearance racks. It's fun.
Know what I want to talk about? My happiness. I honestly do not remember ever being this content with any relationship (friendships included). Like, I never want to be not with him. I just want to lie in bed or on the couch and be touching or spooning. Or we could be driving around talking. Or we can lie in the grass or on the pool deck. Or we could talk on the phone, but that isn't as good. But mostly I just like to smell him. That sounds odd, I know, but I really do like the way he smells. See? Do you see this? I'm turning into a girl...
I'm having an issue with this. Because...well, I've never been like this. I never wanted to just throw on some lacy shit and walk seductively into a bedroom before. And right now, I really want to.
Know what else I really want? A haircut. I got frizzies and fucking whatevers. And it's annoying. And it's getting long again...
Now playing: Elton John - Your Song
Monday, July 26, 2010
G chat convo: (side note - I can spell. but sometimes my "c" key does not work.)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Things I should be doing other than blogging:
Getting drunk (although I should always be doing that...)
Cleaning my room (no seriously...if you could see it)
Updating my calendar which hasn't been crossed off in July
Planning my vacation to The Outer Banks
Emailing my professors with an update on my life since I promised I would
Pretending that I didn't watch an "I didn't know I was pregnant" marathon...
Gathering laundry so that after my odd shift I can wash it at my mom's
(Random interjection 2: I just spent a good 15 minutes on some website reading articles that Melissa linked me to about bad advice from Cosmo/Men's Health. Things they suggest you do during sex that are awful.)
Reading my 1,004,425,243 books
Making a packing list for my Outer Banks trip
Wondering why the tag "insects" existed prior to this post
Also, WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS?
Now playing: Alkaline Trio - Burn
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
2. The headline: Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
I hope someone else finds this as freaking hilarious as I did/do. Again, may have been the booze, but I could not stop laughing when I read that. And I gave it another chuckle when I woke up this morning.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
No offense, but I don't really see how not posting that on Facebook is me denying my faith in God. I'm not the type of person who has to tell everyone she knows that she believes in a God, especially since most people don't understand my way of thinking on the subject. And especially since there are so many judgmental people in my life when it comes to this sort of topic.
If you truly believe in God, repost this! Please don't ignore, you are being tested. For it says in the Bible, "deny me in front of everyone, I will deny you in front of my father".....97% WON'T POST......will you? I TRULY BELIEVE IN GOD!!! HE IS AN AWESOME GOD!!! He never lets you fall!!
I had a dream last night that I went to get my hair cut and hot boss sent me a text message. And it said "Ross and I talked about your decision. What is stopping you?" So I tried texting her back, and it went over the 160 character limit so instead of sending two messages, it just cut the first letter off each word. And then the hair dresser put 4 other people in front of me in line and I was like "hold up! I have to work at 4!" so I just made an appointment for tomorrow because I am off.
So then i went and met with hot boss and we talked for awhile and she convinced me not to quit. And then we played a board game. But when I left the conversation I didn't feel like I had made any real choices.
Basically, what I got from this dream is that I should maybe wait until Thursday to make my final decision. Give myself a few more days to think it over. And as corny-sitcommy as this sounds, make a pro/con list and seriously weigh the issues of what to do.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Also, I might be fired tomorrow because my fingers are stained green and yellow from tie-dying yesterday. Oh well. I can never tell if I should give two weeks notice or just keep working until things get way too out of hand and I end up exploding, having a break-down (Days Inn style) or throwing something, calling the boss the c-word and walking out. I have never done that last one...and I don't really intend to throw something, because let's face it...things sold at Staples are heavy and I don't need a lawsuit on top of all the bs that is going on in my life right now.
I applied at Home Depot & Radio Shack today...I tried the movie theater but they are not hiring. I guess I'll just add those to the list of places that don't want me. The list is getting quite long.
Oh, I should retro-actively explain why I might be fired/throw something/drop the c-bomb.
Are you sitting down? I didn't iron my shirt before work. What? I know. Who does? Well, after a quick survey of employees, no one. Also, there was ink on my shirt. Let me tell you something about the life of a cashier at Das Staples: at the end of the night, you sort ink and toner. Sometimes this ink gets on you.
I don't have a washer & dryer at home. I don't have more than one shirt (well, I do, but the other shirt is stained worst than this one. AND I have now told all THREE managers that I only have one shirt...yeah, you see how that panned out. Ain't got shit from them). I'm not going to buy an iron & ironing board for a job that I actually have no desire to be at anymore. And even if my c-boss finds my blog and fires me 2birds1blog style, then maybe I will be less suicidal. At the very least, I will no longer have to see that bitch's face again because she lives in a town 45 miles from me.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
That sounds symbolic of my life, however, that was not just there for dramatic effect. I really did almost die today.
Sigh, I reveal one detail about K and the judging has begun. And it's the "Oh." type of judging. You know what I mean. Where they don't even comment audibly; they just look at you and you can tell they are thinking, "What is wrong with her?"
I sort of want there to be a thunderstorm. I think well during them. I am honestly thinking about going and sitting somewhere and hoping it rains on me. Or lightning strikes me. Either way, it would be a good ending to today.
Friday, July 09, 2010
Lord knows that taking the pregnancy test the other day was about the most terrifying experience of my life. I was in a tornado three times (luv u midwest!), car accidents, college level chemistry...and peeing on a stick was the most terrifying experience. By the way...if my family reads this, they now know what goes on in my personal life. Sex left unprotected in the heat of the moment... But the good news is, that I am not pregnant. (And I guess bad news for them, since they only care about the people in this family with children and/or significant others.)
*I am 24 years old. I just danced in the rain, because I am THAT happy that it is no longer 93+ degrees.
*Dear God, please let me win Safety Bingo at work, because I need the bonus. Amen.
Now playing: Regina Spektor - Apres Moi
I can't wait til you get to the real world and realize that it is nothing like what you've become accustomed to.
Thursday, July 08, 2010
I had to take a shower today because walking to the bathroom from my bedroom to pee made me so incredibly sweaty, that my pants were stuck to me. I'm debating going to the pool at my mom's, but that would involve walking to my car, sitting in said heat-box for 15 minutes, and then walking to the pool. Yesterday I ate once - twice if you count the stale, out-dated peach-o's I ate while on break - because it was so freaking hot that I just lie in my bed and stared at the fan that is blowing cooler air at me. Note, not cold or even cool air, it's just less hot than the air around me.
On a completely unrelated note, a week ago Aaryn & I drove to Pittsburgh to go to the airport, and on the way back we stopped at a McDonald's to get iced coffees. I went to the register and said, "Hi. Could I have a small vanilla iced coffee and a small hazlenut iced coffee?" She starts pressing buttons and then looks at me, and says, "We don't have small ones. Only medium and large." I looked back at her, thinking 'She must know what I'm about to say...' but nothing happened so I said, "I want the smaller one. So, medium I guess." And she looked at me for a second again, and went on with her work. (Not to mention, she forgot what flavors I ordered. BTW, did you know, there are only two flavors...so even if she had given us one of each just trying to cover her shit, she would've been right.)
I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU to go to google.com and type in "define: medium." Go ahead, I'll wait....Back? If you look through all the other bullshit definitions, you will find:
average: around the middle of a scale of evaluation
Ok, So where I come from, to have a medium, you must have at least 1 smaller and at least 1 larger. So for me to say "Can I have a small iced coffee" when there are only two sizes was completely correct. And McDonald's sucks. That is basically what my point was.
Now playing: Paramore - When It Rains
Monday, July 05, 2010
Sunday, July 04, 2010
As we're running, Betty White walks by and I try to ask if I can take our picture together, but Stacey won't let me stop. So we get to the inlet, and the finale has just ended and we're both kind of upset. So then we hear some crackling behind us and the entire beach turns to see some smoke and stuff and we get excited until the entire building (about a mile away) just explodes into a mushroom cloud. We all see flames and sparks and smoke pouring out and spreading across the sky so everyone starts running. An announcement (from like the lifeguard station) comes on and it says, "Everyone, this is not a firework or a drill. Please start running as fast as you can away from the explosion. Watch for falling pickles."
Even dream me is like "Wait, pickles? We are running from flaming pickles? What the hell?" But we run to the top of a hill, and naturally, I start taking pictures of the flames and pickles and stuff.