Friday, December 04, 2009

I Wish My Brain Would Stop This

I had a dream about her again. I went to visit her and it was really nothing spectacular or not spectacular. It was just an ordinary visit where we talked about how boring my life is, how exciting hers is, and my emotional instability.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about things that I didn't want to think about. About failing exams my senior year because I just wanted to get the hell out of college. And now that I'm out, I want nothing more than to be back in.

One of the things I thought about was an ex-friend. Who became an ex-friend because of pretentiousness, egotism, and plain old being an asshole. I am not some fragile piece of glass that is going to break. I never was. So I don't understand why I was treated like one. I wish I had never met this person. It didn't even create experience that made me better because of it. I'm not a stronger person for having had this experience. I'm exactly the same I was...which would imply that it had no effect on me...it did, obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it. And now my head is spinning because I know what I want to say, but it's not coming out right. It must be because I'm "a waste of life" who should "kill herself."

Ever since I was five, I was told that in order to get a career you needed a college degree. Well, now I have two. And I'm less employed than I was without one. I honestly don't understand why I can't get one. I've applied at twenty places, most saying "hiring immediately" and yet I get told I'm too smart to work there.

I also don't understand my brain. I can be completely fine and then one thing happens and I'm ready to kill myself. I really wish I could see Ginny some more. I need her. I can't deal with real life without her. I can't handle sitting alone in my house everyday because I can't afford to visit people. Because I can't get a job. Because I went to college.

1 comment:

Tasha said...

Hitchhike to Galesburg in the winter. Live with Sonja. Perfect solution. You could be the German TA.