Saturday, December 26, 2009

I am Such the Optimist

So while I am grateful for the $100 in gift cards for my much loved Perkins, Jo-Ann's and the Movies @, the time spent with my cousins whom I see maybe three times (Christmas, Easter, and Fourth of July, usually), and even the Snuggie...I have to think about how this holiday could have been a lot better. How it could've resembled every other Christmas I have ever been a part of... In no particular order.

1) I will start with the internet. I am all about passive aggressiveness. But when things are unknown (ie: To whomever is taking my sodas from the fridge, please stop), not when you know exactly who the person is (ie: Joe, stop taking my sodas please). Now, because it would be hypocritical of me to say "You shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me," I will have to say "Amelia, you shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me." Twitter, as I understood it, is to update what you are doing or where you are. Apparently that is not the case anymore.

Also, to Sarah H: Christmas is not the only holiday that occurs between December 1 and 31. I don't appreciate your Facebook status updates (also I thought reserved what you are doing or where you are) that imply that people who don't celebrate YOUR holiday are terrible people who need "changed." I know I don't have to read them, but when you update every twenty seconds about how people who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are assholes, then I'm going to stumble on one or five a day. And apparently the comments about how you should be tolerant didn't work. So, yes. I am passively-aggressively blogging about how big of an intolerant bitch you are...because telling you flat out, didn't work. Christmas isn't even a legit Christian holiday. The Christians stole that day from the Pagans because they were intolerant assholes. But at least you can keep that tradition going. I have since hidden this person from my news feed.

2) Where. Was. The. Snow? It seriously rained all day yesterday. And I woke up this morning, and there is no snow outside. It looks like early April.

3) My cousins should've come up. We planned this. They were packing. And then someone says something about how it will be clearly be too icy to drive home, because heaven knows looking at a forecast a week ahead will give you 100% accuracy. Yeah, I would like to say that the roads were completely clear yesterday. And now I am pissed that they didn't come. It's only been six years, what's another year?

4) I cut my mouth the other day, and thus, I can not chew in the back of my mouth. Where the chewing teeth are...And it's on both sides now. It feels like I'm teething, which is impossible because my wisdom teeth were removed YEARS ago. At least 2, cause the doctor has been dead for two Christmases, but I can't remember how long exactly...but I don't think teeth can just regenerate. I have a degree in biology, I should know this. Regardless, I have been bleeding a lot. And it's just not fun.

5) What would one think is a traditional Christmas meal? Ham? I'm thinking ham, know, that's what it has been for at least the last 23 years in my family. Do you know what we had? Barbecued Pork Sandwiches. Ok...Grandma wants to mix it up. I realize they are from the same animal, but really? Where was the ham you need to carve?

I also got a text at 4:11 from my cousin saying "Where are you guys everyone is waiting for you." Because he is 10...and Christmas means presents. And when I was a kid, we never opened presents so damn early. The whole ordeal only lasted about 15 seconds anyway. I didn't see what anyone got. There were only a few thank yous thrown around, from the people above the age of 16...

6) My mother has moved back from Florida (duh) but she's married now. So I have an extra celebration. I didn't want to go because she lives on a dirt road and it was raining ice. Her driveway was really shitty and I am terrified of dying in a car accident. Also, her husband is one of 5 kids. Thus, there were a lot of people there and I don't know any of them. And they don't know me. It was terribly boring. Did you know that they have monster trucking competitions? Because, I know this now. And I watched it. Because no one talked to me the whole time. It was awesome...Fuck. However, they are normal in the sense that there was ham. However, due to miscommunication and Alzheimer's, there were three full-sized hams. I took one.

It seems to me that Christmas is just another day. One where I can't go sit at Perkins cause they are closed. No one seemed to be interested and acted like it was such a chore to go eat dinner with their families. "Oh, it's so much work," "Oh, I spent so much money," "Oh, I'm just so tired." You spent too much money because your children are greedy and materialistic. You are so tired because you were up all night wrapping the presents you spent too much money on. You are the one making it so much work. Just fucking relax. Sit on the couch and watch your kids play with their new toys. Stop acting like the dishes won't wait another hour or like the food is going to spoil if it's left out for another twenty minutes while people are grazing or like you have to win the card game to have a fun time...Just fucking chill.

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