Thursday, December 31, 2009

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good-bye!

So here it is. My final blog post of the most-shitastic year (and maybe decade?) of my life: FAREFUCKINGWELL 2009. (And its going to be a looong one.)

It wasn't that terrible:
2000 - Became really good friends with Melissa & Aaryn. This led to amazing people like Dominic, Seth, Brittney, Brett, and numerous other people who helped make Stats with Mrs. Nancy A. entertaining.

2004 - I graduated high school with a 3.7 (because of our stupid weighting system...I actually had a 4.0). I went to Germany. Went to NC for the first time. Saw Ani DiFranco in concert.

2006 - Discovered Knox. And while I complained for 3.5 years while there...it was actually the best time ever. Ginny.

2008 - Two words: Sigma Frye (well, and Sonja (oder Die Sonjas), Amelia, Julia, Timmi and so many other people that I became super friends with).

2009 - Graduated college. And even though I spent a good portion of this year sitting around hoping for a job or career, it was probably the best of all the years (and the worst). The last portion of my senior year in college was probably the year of my life I will remember the most. I met so many amazing people (Tasha & Anna to name a couple) and became so close with Mandy.

And now, for the fun flashbacks of all the things that you hate to remember:
  • Mrs. Nancy A.'s statistics class.
  • The bomb threats at my high school during 2003-2004, which outnumbered snow days.
  • Robbie.
  • Anatomy with Prof. Mountjoy. (Don't get me wrong, I like him. Hated that class.)
  • And on that note: eating a piece of rotting shark during Anatomy lab.
  • Getting bacon grease in my eye (that actually happened today)
  • The loss of Bea Arthur (We love you Dorothy!)
  • Breaking down in Gary, IN (while it was the crime capital of the US) and sitting/sleeping in a garage for 8 hours...Thanks Seth for having AAA.
  • Hearing the news that Capt. Whiskers, my beloved hamster, had died.
  • George Bush, Jr. was president. Twice.
  • Watched someone have a bad trip. Not. Fun.
  • And finally, I left college. I would go to college forever if I could afford it.
And with this, I say, Farewell 2009. May 2010 be better for all. Or else I may have to slit some wrists.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Final CD

I have decided that this will not be a 2-CD set. Here is my final list, in alphabetical order, determined based off speed, genre, lead vocalist's gender (and in the end, it came down to length).

Alanis Morissette - Uninvited
Ani DiFranco - Buildings & Bridges
Atmosphere - Modern Man's Hustle
The Blow - True Affection
Brooks & Dunn - Indian Summer
Daddy Yankee ft. Snoop Dogg - Zona De Gangsta
Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
The Decemberists - Summersong
Fiona Apple - Get Gone
Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum
Jake Owens - Don't Think I Can't Love You
Kid Cudi ft. Common & Kanye West - I Make Her Say
Lady Gaga - Paparazzi
Mickey Avalon - So Rich, So Pretty
Paramore - Crushcrushcrush
Pink - Sober
Reba McEntire - Strange
Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery
Tech N9ne - Caribou Lou
Terrorgruppe - Keiner Hilft Euch
Wir Sind Helden - Nur Ein Wort

Some songs that didn't make the cut, but deserve honorable mention:

Wir Sind Helden - Kaputt
Azure Ray - If You Fall
Fiona Apple - Across the Universe
Blake Shelton - She Wouldn't Be Gone
Garbage - Androgyny
Ani DiFranco - Marrow (which only didn't make it cause it was too long)
Sean Paul ft. Rihanna - Break It Off
India Arie - Video

Oh, those Ukrainian Blonds...

So I had this dream that it was graduation...and I was saying good-bye to all sorts of people at Knox and then I came to table with the ones that I had been looking for. There was some guy sitting on Tim's lap, and Tim kept reaching down between the guy's legs to dip his bread into the "apple-pie bread dip." (It was an actual bowl of dip that was located between this guy's legs it wasn't...code for something.) And I heard Sonja's voice, but there were three blond women at the table, and I swear to God, I couldn't figure out which one was her...They all said hello to me & Molly, and that was the only thing that made me tell. One was from the Ukraine (wut?) and the other was...something...and then Sonja was sitting behind the Ukrainian (like, in the same chair, but like, chair spooning) with her arms around her. "Hello Stef." "Hello." "You didn't come just to say good-bye did you?" "Yes, actually I did." She takes her arms from this woman's bodice and leans back in her lawn chair. She starts spouting all this inspirational bullshit and stuff and then she takes a bite of the bread with the dip, puts on sunglasses, stares up at the sky and says (I shit you not...) "And remember, Lederhosen cost less when you are on crack."

I'll let that sink in before I continue the dream. Go ahead, take a minute.

Well, her little Ukrainian friend nudges her with her elbow and she has me pull myself in really close and whispers something. But the crowd outside the school has gotten really loud, so I can't hear her. And I keep saying "I can't hear you, what?" (Now, normally right before I hear the words of wisdom, the dream ends, BUT!!!) For some reason, after like the fifth time, it gets nearly completely silent around me (like, everyone is still loud, but the two of us aren't affected (effected?)) and she says "Life carries on."

And then, because dreams are exactly like real life, which is exactly like the movies: Carrie Underwood's "So Small" starts playing, but only this part, and ON REPEAT.
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Monday, December 28, 2009

Boo.

My cousin T was (is?) in the hospital last night because he was having breathing problems. He is 1. This makes me incredibly sad. I started thinking about how terrible it must be to be woken up from a nap, taken on a 7 hour car ride, shipped from house to house seeing people you may or may not remember, and then three days later have trouble breathing. Especially when you can't talk to tell people what's wrong.

A while back, I wanted a kid. What?!? I know. But like, I was watching people be happy with kids and, most holidays are really about kids. And I'm not one of those people who is like "I want a kid so someone can love me and I'll have a pal." I just thought that maybe I would become a parent after YEARS of sticking to my Taurusy ways (ie: stubborn. not that Tauri don't have kids) of never having children. But times like these (although far apart and few) make me nervous. I can't read minds. I would freak out if my little baby was sick and I didn't know why. I want my baby talking from the second it comes out of the womb.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I am Such the Optimist

So while I am grateful for the $100 in gift cards for my much loved Perkins, Jo-Ann's and the Movies @, the time spent with my cousins whom I see maybe three times (Christmas, Easter, and Fourth of July, usually), and even the Snuggie...I have to think about how this holiday could have been a lot better. How it could've resembled every other Christmas I have ever been a part of... In no particular order.

1) I will start with the internet. I am all about passive aggressiveness. But when things are unknown (ie: To whomever is taking my sodas from the fridge, please stop), not when you know exactly who the person is (ie: Joe, stop taking my sodas please). Now, because it would be hypocritical of me to say "You shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me," I will have to say "Amelia, you shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me." Twitter, as I understood it, is to update what you are doing or where you are. Apparently that is not the case anymore.

Also, to Sarah H: Christmas is not the only holiday that occurs between December 1 and 31. I don't appreciate your Facebook status updates (also I thought reserved what you are doing or where you are) that imply that people who don't celebrate YOUR holiday are terrible people who need "changed." I know I don't have to read them, but when you update every twenty seconds about how people who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are assholes, then I'm going to stumble on one or five a day. And apparently the comments about how you should be tolerant didn't work. So, yes. I am passively-aggressively blogging about how big of an intolerant bitch you are...because telling you flat out, didn't work. Christmas isn't even a legit Christian holiday. The Christians stole that day from the Pagans because they were intolerant assholes. But at least you can keep that tradition going. I have since hidden this person from my news feed.

2) Where. Was. The. Snow? It seriously rained all day yesterday. And I woke up this morning, and there is no snow outside. It looks like early April.

3) My cousins should've come up. We planned this. They were packing. And then someone says something about how it will be clearly be too icy to drive home, because heaven knows looking at a forecast a week ahead will give you 100% accuracy. Yeah, I would like to say that the roads were completely clear yesterday. And now I am pissed that they didn't come. It's only been six years, what's another year?

4) I cut my mouth the other day, and thus, I can not chew in the back of my mouth. Where the chewing teeth are...And it's on both sides now. It feels like I'm teething, which is impossible because my wisdom teeth were removed YEARS ago. At least 2, cause the doctor has been dead for two Christmases, but I can't remember how long exactly...but I don't think teeth can just regenerate. I have a degree in biology, I should know this. Regardless, I have been bleeding a lot. And it's just not fun.

5) What would one think is a traditional Christmas meal? Ham? I'm thinking ham, since...you know, that's what it has been for at least the last 23 years in my family. Do you know what we had? Barbecued Pork Sandwiches. Ok...Grandma wants to mix it up. I realize they are from the same animal, but really? Where was the ham you need to carve?

I also got a text at 4:11 from my cousin saying "Where are you guys everyone is waiting for you." Because he is 10...and Christmas means presents. And when I was a kid, we never opened presents so damn early. The whole ordeal only lasted about 15 seconds anyway. I didn't see what anyone got. There were only a few thank yous thrown around, from the people above the age of 16...

6) My mother has moved back from Florida (duh) but she's married now. So I have an extra celebration. I didn't want to go because she lives on a dirt road and it was raining ice. Her driveway was really shitty and I am terrified of dying in a car accident. Also, her husband is one of 5 kids. Thus, there were a lot of people there and I don't know any of them. And they don't know me. It was terribly boring. Did you know that they have monster trucking competitions? Because, I know this now. And I watched it. Because no one talked to me the whole time. It was awesome...Fuck. However, they are normal in the sense that there was ham. However, due to miscommunication and Alzheimer's, there were three full-sized hams. I took one.

It seems to me that Christmas is just another day. One where I can't go sit at Perkins cause they are closed. No one seemed to be interested and acted like it was such a chore to go eat dinner with their families. "Oh, it's so much work," "Oh, I spent so much money," "Oh, I'm just so tired." You spent too much money because your children are greedy and materialistic. You are so tired because you were up all night wrapping the presents you spent too much money on. You are the one making it so much work. Just fucking relax. Sit on the couch and watch your kids play with their new toys. Stop acting like the dishes won't wait another hour or like the food is going to spoil if it's left out for another twenty minutes while people are grazing or like you have to win the card game to have a fun time...Just fucking chill.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

And Now For Part 2

If you don't remember: I was driving away with my POW-MIA flag waving from my corvette.

So, the dream stops cause the phone rang and it woke me up. But when I went back to sleep, I'm standing in this building that looks like a hotel, but is apparently just my sister's house. And, guess what! The baby isn't mine, it's my sister's. Yeah, that's right. I was pregnant, but did not give birth, it was her. But they are setting up a dinner for the two families to get together for the first time and have like a meet & greet, so they hand me the baby, who is probably 4 or 5 months old by now, so I can take it away and let them work in peace.

I take the baby outside and it's all summery so I'm dipping her feet in the pool and stuff like that And trying to get her to walk (because she was apparently old enough to do this now...) and the whole time I noticed that Sonja was just watching me from a chair out by the pool. And then the baby was crying so I picked her up, and was doing the "hold the baby and rock her til she stops crying" thing. And I was being a really good "parent" and Sonja was smiling at me...all like she set the whole thing up. And then it starts snowing really badly and I have to get the baby inside so I'm trying to get her all covered and it's not working. But I get her inside and her clothes are completely soaked and my sister yelled at me because she was all wet. And I'm yelling at her because she didn't give me the right clothes to take care of her. And she's like "I'm not even the parent!" and I'm like "Excuse me?" Yeah, so, Sonja is standing at the counter now chopping vegetables, and staring at us - and I realize that my sister has 'given' me her child. And, awkwardly, I'm ok with this.

And then Sonja walks toward me and is about to say something, when she morphs into Lauren Graham (Lorelai from Gilmore Girls) and then I wake up again.

This Baby Has Two Parts

(This is a dream. I almost forgot to tell people that...)

Part 1: I'm getting ready for Knox's 2010 Graduation (ie: putting on jeans to go sit and watch) when I get news that I'm pregnant. (and by news, I mean dream me is like "oh, i'm pregnant...") I know who the father is, but I'm afraid to go and tell his sister so I decide to just skip out on graduation all together and start driving away in my little red corvette (shout out to Prince). I hit a dead end and instead of backing up 12 feet and going down the side road, I get out of my car and start running up the dead end, because it's not really a dead end, but instead the junction of roller-coaster tracks from Knox. Then I came to a bridge and I could either climb it and risk being hit by a roller-coaster (wut?) or get back in my car. I get back in my car, and take the aforementioned road. Which takes me back to the graduation, and turns out, I am stuck there until I inform his sister that I am pregnant. So I go find this Korean woman and I'm like "So, I hear that you are his sister." (FTR, his name is never said....) "Yes." "Well, I'm pregnant." "You better tell our other sister." (What is with these people!?) She turns and points to this woman in the stands, and I freaked out.

So I walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, and when she turns around, I just started crying and said "Oh hi." Because, you know, why would I want to tell Sonja that I'm having her brother's baby? So, we sit in the German section of graduation (I don't think she even goes to those, let alone with her own section) and they are doing their graduation crap. So then, I was like "I think you know" or something and she says "Yes" and I get in my corvette again, hold up my giant POW-MIA flag (wut?) and drive behind the ceremony and everyone claps for my flag...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sigh

My head feels likes an attic. The kinds that you seen on tv or in movies that are cluttered and full of old memories, that aren't really memories because you stored them up there so they would be out of the way. Every once in awhile you climb the ladder, find the one thing you're looking for and then walkaway.

I have so many memories that I want to purge. Most of them involve Knox, and more specifically some of the people there. Every anatomy exam (ps: I cheated), every handle of rum, every hurtful thing people said to me. It all just needs to be put in a box and thrown away.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I. Hate. Everything.

I need it to be spring. Cause then at least I can go outside and get the fuck away from the internet. And then it will be summer and I can go to Germany.

I thought about her a lot yesterday. And it makes me sad because I thought I was over it. I guess not. Awesome, and now that my life has gone to shit again, I will probably never see her again. I tried to tell her. But she didn't listen. Or maybe she didn't want to listen.

Either way, I'm such a waste of oxygen today.

----------------
Now playing: Wallflowers - One Headlight
via FoxyTunes

Friday, December 18, 2009

Listen.

My new favorite song is Buildings & Bridges by Ani DiFranco.

That is all.

blah

I'm passive aggressive, but at least I can acknowledge it.

Anyway, I undertook (have undertaken?) a musical project. And that is to make a "My Fave Music Right Now" CD. And then make another one every year or so around the same time to see how things have changed.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's sad that I may be losing a friend that I really like being friends with. And all because of someone else. It's awesome.

I guess being honest is worthless these days. I'll just continue to lie. That's apparently a better idea.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Anyway, Back to My Dreams...

words in italics = comments about the dream

Not really sure how this one started, but my dad and I, and a bunch of other people are sitting in this building (one of the other people sitting there is Cherie from my high school). I am wearing a red, crushed velvet dress. It looked like this: http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/3b/9/AAAAC5ntnL0AAAAAADuYcg.jpg, and my breasts FIT! What?!? I know, crazy. But anyway, that's important later...we're in this building and that's when the soldiers bust open the door swinging their automatic weapons around. I was thinking, "This all seems so familiar, but from what?" when Cherie is pushed out the door and the guys are like "Single file to the other room. Follow him!" I should specify that 'him' is another soldier, not Cherie. They break up the group, and my dad & I are shoved into the room with her, but Cherie is already gone. There are about twelve other people in the room and I say to myself. "Oh, right...the Nazis. Only, this time it's not about Jewish people."

Now, any normal dream would've just given up...but no. Not mine. Let's continue...

They put us in this room so we wouldn't be able to see or hear their plans for murdering everyone. Now, why they left the other hundreds of people in the other room is as confusing for me as for you. But we saw the way that Cherie escaped and so my dad & I follow. And when we get outside, he disappears (to our house) and I'm stuck in the winter in this tiny little dress. Well, some of the lookouts see me, and they are like "Ooh, there's one now! Look at that hot little dress!" (Pause, if you know my body type...I am not hot in any way...but in the dream I looked like a normal person, un-pause) I start running through the woods, trying to make the dress longer, because originally it goes to about three inches below my vagina. Well, this is when I realize that they only hate lesbians...

I am not a lesbian, but I grabbed this blue ivy plant (it really has no purpose, but it sticks out in my memory) and run up and down shrub lines yelling, "Please! I need someone with a penis to have sex with me so this guy won't kill me! Please! Penis!" Either there is no one in the bushes, or no one has a penis, but either way, I keep running toward my house because they aren't allowed to go into your house. (PS: This is exactly how it happened during the real Holocaust. Seriously, look it up. No Nazi ever broke into someone's house...Right.) I'm running down the street with that stupid ivy vine in my hand still, and y'all, I looked at it and said "Why do I have this in my hand?" and threw it to the ground. This may be the most normal thing that has ever happened in one of my dreams... They are chasing me still and I hear one say "Let's rape her!" But I get onto my porch and into my house and my dad is like, "Oh, you made it?" "Yeah, but no thanks to this dress."

The end. Literally, that's how it ends...What? I get no closure on why the Nazis were attacking lesbians, or why they thought I was one? Boo.

----------------
Now playing: Stereo Total - Ich Bin Nackt
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feminism Makes Me Upset Again

My apologies (kinda) if this is offensive to any of my regular readers...But if silence is not an option, then I should be allowed to voice my opinion too.

Ok, clearly I am upset about this because I'm sooo into "rape culture" and because I clearly am all about men ruling the earth (yeah, sarcasm, but that's basically how I feel every time I read one of Lindsay's post from http://impersonated.blogspot.com/, and especially the Rape Culture and Christmas Songs)

I will sum it up: She takes one song and talks about how Christmas songs are all about "coercion, intentionally getting someone drunk for the purpose of sex, the idea that not wanting to have sex hurts a man's pride, female purity that needs to be protect by family members, slut-shaming by the community and date rape [being] immortalized in holiday song and cheer."

Ok, 1. I barely ever agree with anything this person says (heaven forbid I label her with a gender specific term such as 'girl, female or woman'). 2. What? or to use internet speak "wut?"

I just want to point out, that I listened to the original version of this song (written in 1944), when it was considered wrong for a woman to stay overnight with a man unless they were married.

Ok, NOW, to the real reason why it pisses me off. The song has no coercion that I can see. The man doesn't drug her or anything; she actually is the one who asks for more, under what seems like no pressure. The woman is the one worried about her image (in 1944, remember that). She is talking about her family being worried that she hasn't come home. What DATE RAPE?? I don't even see anything mentioning sex. In any way. It is everyone else's mind that you assume they are going to fuck the night away, obviously against her will. If she didn't want to be there, she could get up and leave. My God, he didn't throw her down.

OH. AND Lindsay, it's ONE GOD DAMN SONG. I didn't realize that Jingle Bells, Let It Snow, Away in a Manger, Carol of the Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Silver Bells, or you know, every other song I've ever heard were all about rape. Correct me if I'm wrong. Like, I'm being completely serious about being corrected. Especially if you are Lindsay. Cause, really...

I'm sure I could twist everything I read, see, or hear into the way that I want them to be, but I choose not to.

A Band Of Robbers

I had a dream that while I was washing my hair (the right side of my head only?) my aunt came over and told me that they had caught the person/people who were making phone calls to people, pretending to be someone else. To uncomplicate things: They were scamming people and everyone in the area knew about it.

Anyway, she was telling the story of how the cops answered one of the calls, and they gave some information away about their location, and in the end the cops stormed the building they were in. Or whatever, and then my aunt looks at me, my head all underwater still and says, "Do you know who they were?"
"No."
"A band of robbers."
"Oh..."
"Who were dogs."

And no, fine people who read this (hey Tasha!), she did not mean dog as in the term for someone who is morally reprehensible (thanks google!). She meant straight up, eatin' Gravy Train, peeing on trees, licking themselves dogs.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

fack everything

FUCK THIS WORLD.

You know, I don't ask for enough money to buy a luxury cruise and I don't want a fucking 2010 BMW.

I just wish we had enough money so that we could have heat in our house. Or we could fix our cars when they break.

I usually believe in a higher power, but when the shit just keeps piling up, it's hard to believe that someone like God actually exists.

This is just ridiculous...our 3 year old heater has broken EVERY YEAR. Our fucking cars break every couple months. I don't even fucking know anymore. What the hell is the point in living if we can't even afford to be alive?

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

BTW, I'm published...

Yeah, ok, so I'm really bad at photoshopping, but I totes made that cover. Just the green stuff and the hand...the off centered title box was produced by the publishing company. Also, bad at naming things, so my cousin Rae named it. And unless you are completely daft, you will realize that the black thing is a censor bar over my middle initial and last name so as to not get any creepers on my blog hunting me down.

Shout out to all those people who graduated from my college with a degree in Creative Writing in 2008 who have yet to be published! (You know who you are!) That's right, I'm totally rubbing it in your faces that I got a degree in Psychology (and Biology, but who the hell cares about that one?), haven't written shit in about, OHHHHH, seven years (when I took CW in high school), and yet managed to write a novel.

Granted, it's about nothing and a ton of random things you find in Lifetime Originals, but...nonetheless I have an ISBN. I'm never going to put it up for sale, because they are requiring me to price it at $20, and UH, NO cause it's only 142 pages and has like ohsomany editing issues that my editor (RAE!) missed, but whatever. I didn't say I had something perfect published, I said that I got something published. And now I leave you with this epic quote from the main character of my book:

"Why are we in my bedroom? What job am I interviewing you for? My sex slave?"

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Snow. Ew.

Three things are wrong with today already:

1. There is snow outside.
2. I have to do laundry. Like, so badly it's not even funny.
3. I might have enough gas to get to a gas station.

To add to these: My room looks like NaNoWriMo was something that involved art supply explosions and caffeine overdoses. There is random shit everywhere, including six cans of soda on this desk. Which doesn't sound like much, but it's a small desk. Thank you November for allowing me to disregard every basic household chore. And while there really is no reason that I haven't cleaned in these last six days of December, I'm still going to blame it on November. So there.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Sometimes I Dream About Being Poisoned

I just woke up from a nap. And before I fell asleep I had an itch on my head right where a middle part would be...if I ever took care of my hair, but ANYWAY.

In the dream, I was at Melissa's house, but it was actually this house that I remember having been in before (but I'll be damned if I can remember whose it was). Well, I was cooking (as I was/am in real life) and my dad had to run out to get buns (all real events). So while he was out, I was going to work on his present, which involved cutting out pictures. I found out the toilet needed cleaned, so I went to put some of that blue/green stuff in it. Well I got it all over my hands and scratched my head where it had itched when I was awake. And I was like "Shit. I need to rinse that." I started rinsing it in the sink and when I opened my eyes there was blood in the sink.

I looked in the mirror and there was blood coming out of each individual hair follicle thing where the green stuff had touched. So I start freaking out even more and panicking that my scalp is just going to come off in bloody pieces. And the blood gets into my eyes as I'm rinsing and then I'm trying to get it out of my eyes, but as I'm doing this, the whole deal gets into my mouth. And it's like that foaming pipe cleaner - it foams up my entire mouth. But it's not my house, so I have no toothbrush, and I just keep spitting. I'm afraid that my dad will be upset that he has to take me to the hospital (because we have no insurance - holla government...) so I think of the most obvious solution to freaking being poisoned.

And that is to pH balance the basic of the cleaner with the acidity of mouthwash. I went through about six rounds of this before all the green stopped coming out and I felt unpoisoned. So I discover these solid pieces in my mouth and I assume that it is because of my brilliant pH work, and I start pulling the chunks out. My dad pulls in the driveway and comes up to the house, but the chunks are coming in mass quantities now. I keep pulling them out and trying to find a garbage can, but eventually they just start pouring out of my mouth. And I realize they are little strips of the photo paper that I had been cutting apart earlier.

I Wish My Brain Would Stop This

I had a dream about her again. I went to visit her and it was really nothing spectacular or not spectacular. It was just an ordinary visit where we talked about how boring my life is, how exciting hers is, and my emotional instability.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about things that I didn't want to think about. About failing exams my senior year because I just wanted to get the hell out of college. And now that I'm out, I want nothing more than to be back in.

One of the things I thought about was an ex-friend. Who became an ex-friend because of pretentiousness, egotism, and plain old being an asshole. I am not some fragile piece of glass that is going to break. I never was. So I don't understand why I was treated like one. I wish I had never met this person. It didn't even create experience that made me better because of it. I'm not a stronger person for having had this experience. I'm exactly the same I was...which would imply that it had no effect on me...it did, obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it. And now my head is spinning because I know what I want to say, but it's not coming out right. It must be because I'm "a waste of life" who should "kill herself."

Ever since I was five, I was told that in order to get a career you needed a college degree. Well, now I have two. And I'm less employed than I was without one. I honestly don't understand why I can't get one. I've applied at twenty places, most saying "hiring immediately" and yet I get told I'm too smart to work there.

I also don't understand my brain. I can be completely fine and then one thing happens and I'm ready to kill myself. I really wish I could see Ginny some more. I need her. I can't deal with real life without her. I can't handle sitting alone in my house everyday because I can't afford to visit people. Because I can't get a job. Because I went to college.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

another dream

I had a dream last night and most of it remains unclear. But, at one point I need to get into the auditorium of my first elementary school because I left a very important note inside the program form the previous night's show. I'm running down the hall and I'm about to turn at the dead end, when someone yells "Well hey Stef!"

I see my old coworker, Reba McEntire, standing there and she starts up a conversation about how much she misses making the show (?) with me and she's so glad that I came to the CMAs tonight to see her even after the previous night's awards. I was trying to talk to her, but I saw people going into the auditorium and was like "Yeah, I'll be right back."

I got to the door and this woman with a mic is all "Stefanie you can not go in there yet." "Yes, but I need my..." "No, you can't go in yet. You'll just have to wait."

Then someone handed the program to me and I sighed heavily with relief and turned to go back and talk to Reba.

That's when I woke up.