Thursday, October 22, 2009

meh follow up

I feel the need to expand upon my last post, which consisted solely of “meh.”

I met with Sonja. This is usually a good thing. Because…well, it just is. The problem here is that I never want to see her again…and I never want to go a day without seeing her.  I will be happy. And then I leave, and I feel not happy.  I don’t understand how something like this is possible. How can I be happy about things and yet, be so depressed? I would like to go into so much more detail about this, but I don’t actually know who reads it.

I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer because of all of this.  I just want to remove myself when I’m feeling like shit because I don’t want it to rub off.  So if I’m hanging out and then disappear for an extended amount of time, it’s probably because I am off crying somewhere…and I most likely want to be alone.

Also, I don’t really feel like I should be here at Knox. The person I’m staying with is dealing with her own shit and I feel like I’m in the way. I honestly just want to go home. But I know that going home is the worst possible thing.  I thought that by coming here I would feel less shitty about things and it has had quite the opposite affect. I now just think about terrible things I could do to myself more.

Sonja told me to email her if there is anything she can do for me. If only I could bring myself to send that list…Or just the one thing that is most important. But she can’t do it, because she has told me already. And this just adds to the things that make me never want to see her again. And, because I’m fucking crazy, this is the same reason that I want to see her everyday. So maybe she will figure out how to do it. How to help me.

I don’t know how to express feelings. I don’t think I want to know. I don’t want to tell people how I really feel about them. I’m embarrassed because of how I feel.  I don’t want them to ever find out. Yet I’m sitting here writing on a blog that I’ve linked these people to – the ones that should read it, but probably won’t – hoping that they will stumble upon this, read it, and tell me that the feelings are mutual. 

Maybe I will just sit in Galesburg until I get too fucking depressed to do anything else.

1 comment:

Amelia said...

You're not in the way, Liebe. I'm feeling like I'm making things worse for you. I loveeee you and I want you to be ok. Just lemme know what I can do to help. I don't wanna be oppressive and in your face, but I want you to know that I care and I want to help.