Saturday, October 31, 2009

my subconscious is effed up

DUUUUDE! Just remembered the other dream! I guess I have to give background. Todd is the new German prof at Knox, Heather is a pysch prof..and that's about all. Warning: It's looong.

So, this girl Sam (I don't remember her name, but Sam will work) and I were messing around in the basement of the school (?) and we started wrestling (literal wrestling, this has nothing to do with sex). Then it was time for class, so we went to Todd's class, even though it was not German; Sam and I sat next to each other. She started whispering to me about something he said, and he stopped class and came and stood behind the two of us, so the entire class would be looking directly at us.
T: It seems that maybe we should make some things clear for the rest of the class, don't you think?
Me: What are you talking about?
T: Sam, wouldn't you like to explain to the class your new sexual orientation?
S: Um, not really. But I guess they can know that I'm a lesbian.
T: And Stef, what about you?
M: What about me?
T: Tell everyone about the relationship you and Sam have. Tell everyone about being a bisexual.
M: Are you fucking serious? (the class started clapping for us and as I burst into tears) Nothing about my sexuality should come up in class. I never said I was not straight. I don't like labels!

I ran out of the room, slamming the door (heard someone comment on how loud that was) and ran down the hall to where I know Sonja is teaching. I wait outside the room for her so I can complain about him, and the bell rings. People keep trying to talk to her and she keeps telling them that she doesn't have time. She needs to be somewhere, so in an attempt not to bother her I start walking away. But she sees me and yells down the hall, "Stef, what is it?" I turned around and she saw that I was crying and she says, "Oh God, please tell me its not about Todd again. I've gotten so many complaints about him..." "It's about Todd." She starts to walk toward a gingerbread house/cookies selling table and I said, "He tried to out me in class. He told everyone I was gay and I'm not."

At this point she turns into Heather, and she starts frantically walking around trying to sell all these cookies and shit for Christmas (I don't really get it...) I'm scurrying down the hall towards my locker (um, what? why is this suddenly in my high school?) and I see Molly so I yell, "Hey. Come to my locker and hurry." When she gets there, I can't figure out my combo to open it, so I'm just standing there like an ass, crying. It magically opens (quite literally, it just pops open) and there is a print out of the combination to get in. (I feel like the numbers are important - 0, 6, 13) Heather comes up to me, hands me a pile of book things and scurries away.

They are a bunch of hand-embroidered pictures of like, trees and pretty scenes. Molly tells me that this is how she's going to apologize for Todd's behavior.


I had so many dreams last night that I didn't want to wake up this morning. I don't remember most of them, but I do know that Gordon Ramsay made at least one guest appearance.

But the strangest one, was that I was sitting around doing something strange, like eating mussels or something and someone said "Hey, you look like you have a baby bump." (I was skinny and not fat like in real life) "Hahaha, yeah. It's cause I'm pregnant. But I like to pretend I'm not." And the other person was like, "Wait. You mean you're actually pregnant?" "Yes." "Is it his?" "No. But I think I'm going to use this one as practice for when we get married."

Friday, October 30, 2009

When I was five, I colored a heart purple, and my teacher made fun of me. She called me out in front of the whole class to point out that I did not know what color a heart was. I wish I could go back in time and tell this woman, that she can’t tell me what color I can or can’t use to describe my own heart. Even today, I don’t believe that Mrs. Jones knows what color a heart is, let alone mine.
What have I gotten myself into? This is going to take way more commitment than I think I have.

The 365 Day Photo Project is already getting to me. I'm so behind in my postings. I want to accomplish both of these things so badly. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The biggest problem in my life right now is the fact that everyone song has at least 1 line that reminds me of you.

Even Snoop Dogg can make fucking bitches and smoking pot remind me of you.

I hate admitting that I've fallen. But I have. And it's hurt to fall so hard.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Things On My Mind

I'm in a computer lab and the two guys who were next to me just spent more time writing one paper for Bio 210 than I did for all three papers together. I also find it amusing that they have Esther for it. I wanted to tell them that they will probably be screwed when they get to a higher level bio class and have to figure out statistics. But I figure they can realize such things on their own as did so many others before them. Now there are students in here talking about the biology program. I really want to tell them that they have no idea what they are talking about. But then again, I just want them to get their reality check. Why are you talking about things that you know nothing about? Stop trying to sound smarter than you really are. Seriously.

I kinda don't want to go home. For obvious reasons. But as I am sitting in this lab, I realize that I need to leave. These people are 5 kinds of immature and 4 kinds of loud. This is one of the reasons I did not frequent the computer labs. Because people go there. And these people are students. And these students are not on my level. Ugh...

Another thing I am struggling with is the fact that I am too angry about too many things. I'm angry about everything and then I hear people talk about things that make me angrier. And about things they don't really know anything about but I do, and therefore I want to correct them. But I can't, cause then I will be either condescending or racist/prejudice. Especially in this situation.

I fear that my computer will be shut down soon. Any computer that isn't being used, is getting a yellow flag. And I am worried about this. Turns out it is not a problem, but they are conserving energy.

I can't go back to the room I'm staying in yet, because there may be sexual activity going on. However, I want to head home in 12 hours. I'm tempted to just bust in and be like "Yo, I'm totally just leaving now. I'll sleep in Indiana."

I want to say goodbye to someone. But I don't want to fuck things up. So I'm just going to leave. Bad way to handle things? Yes. Most definitely. But isn't that how I do things, the wrong way? Yes. Therefore it works out quite perfectly.
omg kill me

Saturday, October 24, 2009


I had a dream last night that I was riding my bike. And I got to where I needed to be, but I kept riding past it. And then I got to the sign of the next town, threw up, and then turned around. When I got back to the place I was going, Mandy (or Melissa, I can't remember) was there and asked what took me so long. I said "I was just riding around and found ____" (the next town) and then I explained that I threw up. I think there was a sandwich involved. End.

Also, I think that on Tuesday I may have to find her, hug her, cry, apologize, and walk away.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

home? no home?


meh follow up

I feel the need to expand upon my last post, which consisted solely of “meh.”

I met with Sonja. This is usually a good thing. Because…well, it just is. The problem here is that I never want to see her again…and I never want to go a day without seeing her.  I will be happy. And then I leave, and I feel not happy.  I don’t understand how something like this is possible. How can I be happy about things and yet, be so depressed? I would like to go into so much more detail about this, but I don’t actually know who reads it.

I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer because of all of this.  I just want to remove myself when I’m feeling like shit because I don’t want it to rub off.  So if I’m hanging out and then disappear for an extended amount of time, it’s probably because I am off crying somewhere…and I most likely want to be alone.

Also, I don’t really feel like I should be here at Knox. The person I’m staying with is dealing with her own shit and I feel like I’m in the way. I honestly just want to go home. But I know that going home is the worst possible thing.  I thought that by coming here I would feel less shitty about things and it has had quite the opposite affect. I now just think about terrible things I could do to myself more.

Sonja told me to email her if there is anything she can do for me. If only I could bring myself to send that list…Or just the one thing that is most important. But she can’t do it, because she has told me already. And this just adds to the things that make me never want to see her again. And, because I’m fucking crazy, this is the same reason that I want to see her everyday. So maybe she will figure out how to do it. How to help me.

I don’t know how to express feelings. I don’t think I want to know. I don’t want to tell people how I really feel about them. I’m embarrassed because of how I feel.  I don’t want them to ever find out. Yet I’m sitting here writing on a blog that I’ve linked these people to – the ones that should read it, but probably won’t – hoping that they will stumble upon this, read it, and tell me that the feelings are mutual. 

Maybe I will just sit in Galesburg until I get too fucking depressed to do anything else.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I feel incredibly sick. I woke up, needing to pee, but when I stood up, I fell over into my chair. My sense of balance is totally off right now. It's really horrible.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I have been crocheting so much for my friends lately. My fingers are starting to hurt. But I still have 3 more things to make. And this last one is turning out very tiny..and I don't like it. But I really don't want to start over. It makes no sense; I did not switch hooks.

Now playing: Paramore - All I Wanted
via FoxyTunes


Had a dream the other day that two guys broke into my house. One was holding me down while the other tried to rip my clothes off to rape me. Dream me kept telling real me to wake up because she was scared. And she kept thrashing around on the bed in an attempt to wake me up. I don't know if I was actually trashing around while I was awake or not.

It was really odd/terrifying.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Honest Blogger

Ok, so you may have read some posts similar to this one if you are a blog connoisseur, but I'm a follower. I thought about linking to where I got this idea from, but I decided that since it was from a topic-specific blog that I'd rather some people who might read this don't know I am interested in, that I will not. But anyway, the deal is, you list 10 random facts about yourself. (There was also talk of nominating other blogs, but I don't care about crap like that. You can do it if you want and shamelessly plug my blog if you wish. :D)

1) I truly believe that I can relate anything that happens in my life to a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode. Quotes, characters, dance moves, and the like.

2) I like hitting the sauce. Especially with Whiskey and Pucker. Two ends of an alcohol spectrum, I realize, but really...I'm not really a fan of Vodka and Rum, however, they will do in a "I have no money, need to get drunk" situation. WILD TURKEY!!

3) I am going to visit every zoo in the US & Germany. And then I will pick my favorite and work there. It will happen.

4) Snoop Dogg is my favorite musical artist. There is no competition. Olivia Newton-John comes in second. How is this possible? I'm not exactly sure, happened.

5) Je parle fran├žais et/und ich spreche Deutsch. Deutsch ist besser!

6) I live in a log cabin. This house used to be a blacksmith shop. I do not have a window that opens, but it does come in at a whopping 6 feet wide and five feet high. Thus, it is hot as hell in summer and cold as Antarctica in winter.

7) I have eaten moose, and damn it, I liked it.

8) Thing that terrifies me the most: bears. Followed by tornadoes. Bears may be cute, but let's face it. If I were in a fight with one, even with a gun, knife, bear repellent, and a car, I would lose. He/she would just rip me apart. Literally.

9) I get way too into TV shows that I watch. If I watch a show and enjoy it even in the slightest, I end up "attaching" myself to a character, and wishing that it was me (or I was her? I dunno). And I get legitimately upset when that person does something stupid in the show someone does something stupid to them. Gilmore Girls = Rory; Reba = Reba, Any Day Now = M.E., House = Cameron, Family Guy = Lois, That 70s Show = Donna.

10) I think that people talk about sex too much. It is on tv too much. I do not care if you have sex. I do not care if you don't have sex. I don't care how old you think people should be before they have sex. I really just do not care.

Now playing: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I just watched The Office: Jim & Pam's Wedding. Twice.

I can't tell if I am happy, because Pam has always been my favorite, and she and Jim are perfect for each other. Or if I am depressed, because Jim is amazing to her. He made me cry three times. And why does this make me depressed? Because I'm going to die a virgin, who has never had someone love her the way that Jim loves Pam. (ok, I'm not an idiot, I know that they are just characters...but still, it's sweet and some men can take a hint from that).

I love someone. Two someones to be exact. But they won't love me back. So, yeah. Unless I move somewhere very far away from here, I will never be happy.

Friday, October 09, 2009


I need to vent a few things.

1. Dear Facebook,
Stop suggesting friends to me that are from WoW. I do not care that I have one mutual friend. I have never met these people. I have no desire to meet my friend's "friends" from an online game. And on the very awkward occasion that I do meet these people, they refuse to use my friend's real name, and instead call her by her WoW name. This is not sane in my opinion. It is just a game.
Love, Stef

2. Dear Wow,
Yes, I played you for a mere 4 months or so. Yes, I enjoyed killing bears and spiders with my friend. However, now that you have taken over her life, I do not like you. I used to have a friend. Now the only time I see her is when her sister asks me to hang out. And by "see her" I mean, we exchange Hi and Bye and pretty much nothing in between. Quite frankly, you are a piece of shit game. You ARE JUST A GAME.
Love, Stef

3. Dear Friend,
You have become nothing to me. You do nothing but speak in WoW terms, to WoW people. I do not understand how staring at a computer screen for 18 hours a day can be fun. I do not understand how you can prefer to hang out with people who aren't actually real (the characters) over humans. I don't understand how having conversations in Vent & WoW is more fulfilling than in person - with people who liked you before you had to spend 18 hours a day playing a game. I don't understand why you want to spend Christmas with these people. Most importantly, I don't understand why you don't understand why it bothers people so much that this is what you do. I have seen you cry over this game. Get legitimately pissed over this game. Smoke a pack of cigarettes in 2 hours over this game. And now I'm watching you lose 2 friends over this game. And yet, it is just a game.
Love, Stef

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I decided I didn't like the old countdown. But this one...This one has the exact minutes until I leave.

Dream Time!

I was sitting in German class and we were doing partner activities; my actual German classmates were on one side of the room and people from my high school were on my side - Jordan sticks out the most.

So, Sonja is making us STAND UP and do our dialogues in front of the class, and Jordan and I do NOT want to do it (hmm, this all seems very realistic) so we're kinda like, "let's pretend like we didn't know what we were doing." Then, across the room, Julia & Erin get up and they walk to the water fountain where Julia starts throwing up. And the smell wafts over to me, and I have to run to the hall, where I start throwing up. I'm standing out in the hall washing my mouth in a sink (cause all halls have those, don't you know) and Sonja asked if I was ok. I just shook my head and then I think threw up again.

Then, from the other tent (oh, didn't I mention we were in one of those giant tent-like things that fairs have) we hear some screams. Turns out the flying octopus monster is back. And the only way to escape it is to get the historical team of awesomes together (ok, now where my mind came up with a term like that...) So, we're walking around and he keeps landing on people's heads and using his suckers on them. Then flies away. Then this man comes up to me and says "That woman over there (points to Sonja) says you know King Herod."

TIME OUT! 1. King Herod? and 2. Why would Sonja tell him this? TIME IN!

"Um, ok?" And he takes me onto a giant boat, explaining to me as we walk that I am in fact the reincarnation of King Herod, and I am the final Historical Awesomes Team Member they needed to find. Also, "You will find that your room is suitable for our long trip." As I'm asking what? They lock the boat and start sailing or moving, whatever ships do that aren't sailboats... A friend came on with me, but I don't remember who it was, and we start walking around my "quarters" looking at all the gold things and books. The captain comes in and starts yelling some shit about me not being allowed to touch these things and blah blah blah, so my friend is like "Do you know who you are speaking to? This is King Herod, so back off!"

As I am taking a book off the shelf entitled "The Complete History of King Herod" the previous man comes in and is about to explain my mission.

I woke up.

Now playing: The Shins - Know Your Onion!
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I want to have a breakdown. I physically feel like I need one. But I have no reason, really. I'm actually quite happy.

Aside from the fact that I have no money, I'm bored all day everyday from lack of employment, and in 10 days, memories are going to be stirred up that are going to cause me to have a breakdown....

Tuesday, October 06, 2009


I had a dream last night that I accidentally swallowed a straight pin. It was lodged in my throat horizontally and my dad said the only way to dislodge it was to throw up. So I lie down on my bathroom floor and fake vomitted until I actually did. Then, because vomit disgusts me, I woke up.

Monday, October 05, 2009


There was a thing in the Newspaper today asking people if texting should be illegal while driving. Two teenage girls said no. Their reasons follow: 1. No one would follow that law anyway. 2. What if you need directions in a hurry in an emergency?

1. People speed, so maybe those laws should be gone. As well as murder. Because people still murder people.

2. Ok, maybe I'm old fashioned, but how is calling someone for directions not easier than typing them out and then sending them to someone? Or, if you are lost or something, pull over and then text them.

I think that having been not a teen for 5 years has made me hate them. A LOT. Ok, it's not so much teens as it is high schoolers who think they know everything.

Now playing: Paramore - When It Rains
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, October 04, 2009

So, today I got news that something I was told when I was around 8 was not true. And it affects someone I have been friends with since I was 7. But I can not tell her. For multiple reasons. It just makes me feel unfeeling.

Does that make sense?
I have no feelings right now.
Now playing: Wir sind Helden - Kaputt
via FoxyTunes