Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sitting around drinking tea because I think my throat is on fire.

Can't wait for Saturday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Variety is the spice of life, but all I have is cinnamon.

I found my chapstick. That is about the most exciting thing in my life right now.

BUMP:
Created by OnePlusYou

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Stupid Maury Teenagers

Ok, time for a normal post!

So, what the hell is wrong with today's youth? (Yes this spawned from my tweet about Maury: Confront My Out-Of Control Teen.) These girls (and one boy) are 13-14 years old. One (14) got pregnant at 12, has gotten Chlamydia TWICE, feeds her baby kool-aid and ignores him when he cries - OH Just found out she uses her child support to buy weed. The boy was thrown out of school "about twenty times" and has had sex with "six or seven girls" but he doesn't really know. A 13 year old is getting drunk, stealing mass amounts of shit from Target, and beating up security guards.

Now, let me ask again. What. The. Fuck?

When I was 12/13 I would sit in my room doing my fucking algebra homework and studying for my next history exam, all while practicing for the choir concert I had coming up. Maybe planning to go to the movies with a couple friends. And the largest thing I ever stole by that time, was a fucking cowtail candy thing. The first time I ever got drunk was when I was 17, maybe 18. The first time I ever smoked pot was a couple days after my 19th birthday. I have never (seriously) considered having sex for money, and I NEVER wanted to have sex with 12 different people in the same week, let alone unprotected. I'm 23 years old, and I still don't want to do those things. (not the getting drunk part, obvi, but you know...the sex thing).

I actually know someone like those teens. I know about all the drugs she smokes, snorts, whatever. I know about all the sexual activities she takes part in. I know that she sells her medication so she can buy energy drinks and speed. She's 15 now, but I've known her since 13. And she's been doing all of this stuff since then. She does nothing but yell at her parents and I'm waiting for her to just haul off and punch them. I know it's coming.

I just don't understand what goes through kids' minds to make them think that this is the perfect lifestyle. That girl "loves her baby so much" but she's going to get a reality check when the state takes it away from her. And I'm sure it's going to be fun when she gets some STI that can't be cured. I'll admit, getting drunk and partying is fun. But there are people who can do so responsibly and legally. I got drunk nearly every weekend and Wednesdays. I still got up, went to classes, got As in these classes, and graduated.
I think my appendix is trying to eat its way out of my body.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

When did Avril Lavigne start having lyrics that spoke exactly what I was feeling?

Because I do just want to sit and stare at you. I don't want a conversation. I do just want to cry in front of you. Because I'm in love with you. Damn it.

I just turned into a 14 year-old girl.

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I don't want to be at home. But I don't want to be anywhere that I can get to. Predicament.

Also, I kind of hate everything right now, so I may not be the most active person. I don't want to Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Blog, IM, nothing.

I can't wait to get to Knox.

um, yeah.

http://stefsthreesixtyfiveproject.blogspot.com/

trying something new. lol

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gonna spend the rest of the day lying in bed, watching something terrible, hugging my rice-sock heating pad in the fetal position. Fun times right?

I'm also gonna finish the elephant I'm crocheting. I need to start selling instead of just giving them away.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

You know what feels awesome? When your body feels like your uterus is slowly eating its way out of your body with a million little teeth.

Yeah, how's that for imagery.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Incomplete records haunt me so.

(Anyone know the movie that quote is from?)
For the rest of September, I have decided that I'm going to finish things that I started. Because I am sick of looking around at all my unfinished projects that "I will get to tomorrow." Well, it's been months since I started this, a year since that project began, that's been on my to-do list for weeks...

Here is a list of some of the things I can remember.
Fix my bag that broke sometime in April.
Fix my jeans that broke sometime in 2007.
Finish: Kenny's Harley hat...and worm.
- my scraphgan.
- book-safe.
- the ton of books I've started: When Elephants Weep, The Lost Symbol, Fahrenheit 451, Mein Herz So Weiss, Indecision
- Sigma Frye scrapbook page
- my "Die Giraffe" cross-stitch
- my Grandma's photo album organization
- researching my mother's herb garden
- my mother's crocheted hat
- the Sept. crochet-along Panda
Watch the movies I bought but never got around to watching.

Here we go!

BUMP:
Created by OnePlusYou

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Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You into the Dark
via FoxyTunes
You don't know what you're talking about. I won't get into this debate with you. Get over yourself, you do not know everything.

Glad my Friday night went to shit between 12:50 and 12:56 am.

Friday, September 18, 2009

dream or nightmare?

I had another effed up dream last night.

I was on Knox Campus and there's was a mandatory campus-wide game. And the point of the game was to be murdered or, in the case of other people, be the murderers. But you aren't suppose to know who is who. I was one to be murdered. I don't really remember a lot of the details, but I remember being drowned in mud. And I kept taking my tongue out to get the mud off it after I re-spawned as a zombie-type thing. That was the part that stuck out the most - trying to get the mud off my tongue, so I'm guessing that's the significant part. Also, found out at the end of the day, while Amelia was walking around with me, that the more times you die, the more people that love you. I thought that Amelia was one of the murdered, but then (ok, this part is shady as well) I remember being up against a wall while the guy was still telling people about the people loving you thing and Amelia walked up in front of me and said "I love you," and then she killed me again. But I didn't respawn. Cause she did it after the game was over.

Ok, so after I looked up what Tongue meant, I should probably add that I was frantically trying to find Sonja to tell her something. I don't know what it was in the dream, but I wanted to leave that out. Apparently that was important.
___________________________________________

Mud
To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed.

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated.
To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing, signifies that your reputation is being attacked and called into question.

Tongue

To see your own tongue in your dream, signifies the things you say and express. You may have said too much or you may need to express yourself more.
If your tongue is sore or looks unusual, he dream may be a metaphor that you are tongue-tied and indicates your nervousness about verbalizing or communicating some feeling or thought.

Murder
To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Created by OnePlusYou

Ah, Clever Authors

Because I like to quote things, and I love Dan Brown's books. (No, not just The DaVinci Code because they made a terrible movie about it...)...I thought this was clever. (page 32, The Lost Symbol)
Silence settled over the room. The student from the Women's Center looked uneasy. "You're in a cult?"

Langdon nodded and lowered his voice to ta conspiratorial whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but on the pagan day of the sun god Ra, I kneel at the foot of an ancient instrument of torture and consume ritualistic symbols of blood and flesh."

The class looked horrified.

Langdon shrugged. "And if any of you care to join me, come to the Harvard chapel on Sunday, kneel beneath the crucifix, and take Holy Communion."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

WOAH

I missed the 300th post last post! So let's pretend that this one is. K? kay.

So last night I thought I had a night terror but according to the definition, people don't really remember them until later. But this was not a regular nightmare. This is from an IM session. The person in the store makes no difference.

S
o, it was like a regular dream, and i knew it was a dream...and lots of strange shit happened that i dont' remember the details of but then i was in a parking lot and i opened all my doors, while you (i think) went into the store, and it was on some back alley and these "hoodlums" were around not doing anything, til we got in the car and closed all the doors and then they started attacking the car this is where it gets real fucked up so i start screaming and throwing things, in real life - completely terrified, but i can't really make noise cause my throat is dry and i'm lying in my bed trying to wake up finally, i wake up, look around at all the shit i ruined while throwing stuff and thrashing around, get a sip of Kool-Aid from my bedstand and then worry that i woke up my dad and i just lay there, watchign tv...

AND

then I woke up for real (but i legitimately thought i was awake the first time)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I attempted the bad things, but with no success.

Trying to get things figured out and hoping October comes much more quickly than it has been.

Met some cool dudes at a bar, they did Karaoke, my friends Dave & Dave did Karaoke, we left. Went to a different bar; I had two cokes. Then we went back to Dave1's house and I played some strange "I Spy" type game.

Verdict: Happy today!

ps: That might because of an email I got from Sonja!!!

Friday, September 11, 2009

nil

I came home to some Facebook updates that made me think. And thinking is a terrible thing for me to do. I was reading things about the class that I wanted to take, but didn't even try to. I should've post-bacc'd. And I should be in Sonja's class right now.

So I started thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. And my decisions. And myself. Oh wait, did I mention that one already?

I'm going to start doing bad things again.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

october

Ok. I have decided to say "Fuck you" to all the people who are Debbie Downers. Welcome to my schedule for October.

The 19th - Driving on out to Knox for Homecoming

The 20th - Gonna hit up the German Club meeting

The 21st - Senior Meeting and/or Karaoke Night

The 22nd - German Table (?) and Jazz Night

The 23rd - Actual Homecoming Events

The 24th - Saturday = Get Drunk With Cool People Day

The 25th - Realize I can not stay at Knox forever even though I would prefer it

The 26th - (or late 25th) Drive home with Molly

The 27th - I'm thinking the Spillway, maybe the Penny Bar

The 28th - Spillway raincheck day

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Help.

I want to move. But I don't know where. Because I could move to Edinboro and then I could work in Erie, hopefully the zoo. I could move to Galesburg and be happy (but there's always the fact that I can't let go of that part of my life). I could move to Sellersville and pretend to be happy living with ninety cats that meow obnoxiously (FTR, I wouldn't be completely happy because I have no friends there).

I can't really handle being here anymore. Today was pretty much the last straw. You know, the final nail in the camel's back, that kind of thing. For one, a friend told me that we couldn't hang out because there are only three spots on the couch and they were all taken. She made no comments about being tired from work, having to work tomorrow, nothing...she also said she could fit me in Thursday night for Project Runway.

Two, people keep making comments about me not having a job... Let's examine things. Number of applications I've turned in: 11. Number of interviews: 3. Number of job offers: 0. Also, I need a week off in October if I get a job. I've already made the plans, it's basically paid for, I'm not going to just forget about that because of getting a job. And no amount of people telling me that this is stupid is going to change my mind. I'm not throwing away $200 because people waited three months to give me a call back. I am also sorry that you don't support my decision to go to homecoming. It is not my fault that you didn't make any friends in college. Get over it. Because I did. And there are people that want to see me. That miss me. That I miss.

Sigh. I was going to write so much more, but since I started venting in that last part...I've exhausted myself. That, and it's 3:50 am. Any advice is welcome.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Fuck off.

I'm sick of waiting. Sick of doing things for you. So tired of being tired. I'm done waiting at my computer for you to decide you are bored.

I don't remember the last time I took a shower. I don't remember the last time I did something simply for me. I don't remember being happy. Sometimes the only reason I wake up is so people don't ask questions.

I've done so many things this summer, yet I have nothing to show. The mental images of the cleaning, facebook statuses, tear soaked tissues that have dried... All the applications I've turned in, the wasted miles for interviews. Nothing concrete, all abstract.

The problem here is that I'm alone. Not in the literal sense of the word, obviously, but really. You're off doing this, you're doing that. All the while I'm sitting here wondering what I should be doing. Wondering if the call is going to come today. Wondering if you'll come to your senses today. Wondering if today is the day that I tell everyone the truth.

I'm pretty sure that that day will never come.

I love you. (To someone specific, not included in the rest of this post, who will never read this.)