Sunday, April 26, 2009

Two Parter (a real downer)

I am thoroughly disappointed in myself for waiting until the last minute to take my language. I was terrified that I would get some evil professor who wouldn't care that I am way too anxious to speak in front of people and would force me to do it all the time. Naturally, fate would wait until my last year at Knox to let me have a class that didn't make me suicidal (quite literally); one where the professor didn't shove personal research interests down my throat at every chance possible; one that I will actually miss attending every day.

You have no idea how many times I sat down and wrote out drafts of emails asking you to consider changing your incomplete policy for someone who needed the class to graduate but needed to spend some time away from everyone. Perhaps under strict watch in a hospital or something. I feel like you would've done anything you could to help me get through the term, but I was always too afraid to ask.
You have no idea how much your class helped me get through. I don't understand my thought processes, but after doing homework, I would think, "Well, I can't kill myself now. I would've just used my last ten minutes alive to do German homework..."
You have no idea how hard it is for me to say this all to you. Again, my thought processes are strange, but I was never worried about hurting my friends or family if I were to kill myself. I was worried about hurting people like my therapist, whom I'm afraid would've thought it was her fault, and you, who told me about losing someone else.

Anyway, I'm a rambler, but the point I'm trying to make is thank you.
Now playing: Ani DiFranco - Marrow
via FoxyTunes

I have considered failing just so I can stay for another year. I have no idea what I'm going to do with two worthless degrees. At least with German skills I could talk to my grandparents for the first time in 15 years without needing my mother to translate. Or I could move there and give tours of the Munich Zoo to tourists like I really want to. Instead, I wasted five years proving to my family that I am as big a failure as I think I am.

Not many people know this. But my dream would be to have graduated from Brown in the usual 4 years, getting my teaching certificate, and teaching high school math. But really, how could I have been good enough for something like that?
Now playing: The Postal Service - We Will Become Silhouettes
via FoxyTunes

1 comment:

Amelia said...

I'm really gonna miss you next year, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds. If I were more competent I would try to make you feel better about yourself. But I'm not. Sorry.

Aber hab dich lieb. :)