Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Had A Depressed Moment

I haven't really been upset all that much this term. It's been a week since I arrived on campus, so one would hope not.

Well, then there's today. I don't know if it's because I've been exhausted since the moment I woke up (at 8:00 am, again...) or what. But today has just been one of those days where nearly everything that is said or done just gets on my last nerve.

The last person to use the lab room down in the bird chamber did not clean it. And the professor apologized and then told me to clean it. I don't really have a lot of work to do, but I don't want to spend some of my "free time" cleaning up someone else's mess. Especially since it is mostly bird shit and bedding. Literal shit. I must've done something really horrible in a past life because every job I get involves me cleaning something. At least J-Temp isn't going to try to rape me...

Speaking of Ed, the boss who sexually harassed me and probably would've tried to get in my pants (and by that I mean 'rip them off' me...his words not mine). Ok, there was nothing else really, except I hate my life for having that happen. It's one of those things that comes to mind when you don't expect to think of something like that, like when you're at the bar with your friend on her 21st birthday. Who wants to think about some guy who said he wanted to rip your clothes off, not in the good way, and starting touching you inappropriately at work? No one.

Another thing on my mind is the fact that I really have no one with an open mind to talk to. Everyone around will have some sort of response to something I say, and I don't want comments. I just want someone to sit there and listen and then be honest enough to say, "I think that is irrational because [insert legitimate reason here]" or "I totally understand what you're saying." Or someone to shoot the shit with, who doesn't focus everything onto themself. I'm usually not self-centered when I'm in a group of people, so I'd like to be some time. I want to talk with someone who actually cares about what I'm going through instead of feeling obligated to listen. And I want that person to be a specific person, but I'm afraid to try.

Haven't had the best of luck with people. I don't like being called "emo" and/or "pathetic." I don't like being told that I'm a waste of life. I just want to sit with the aforementioned person and have him/her listen; tell me I'm normal; smile; hug me. Most importantly the last one. Because that's really all I need right now. A hug from someone special... Yes, my friends are, but that's not who I'm talking about.

And I would give anything in this world to let this person know what he/she means to me without having to actually say it. Why can't he/she just know? Sigh.

I hope that the song included below is true.
Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved
via FoxyTunes

Monday, March 30, 2009

Drean Wordle.

I put some of my dreams into Wordle, took the top 50 words and this is what came out. Imagine that...

Reba McEntire & Pantless Chickens

It's nearly 1 am and I can't sleep (shocker there) so I thought I would come on here and start rambling about what's on my mind.

When I woke up this morning, I thought I heard someone throwing up (she wasn't) and wanted to say "Are you okay?" but I could not think of the way to say it in English. All my mind could form was "Bist du okay?" Sigh. Sonja, get out of my head.

I have been thinking about a couple people more often then I probably should.
One, whom we will call T, always finds a way into my life. No matter what I'm doing, I will hear him laugh somewhere or see a term from one of his classes or hear someone mention him or even worse, seeing his wife once a week. (Yeah, that's always awesome.) I don't want them to get divorced or anything. I don't even want to have him so much as just be with him once. It is totally a lust thing. He's not even the most attractive person, but he has large hands (hawwwt) and would totally be dominating. (And now that you know too much about my fantasies...)

The other, whom we will call S, is someone I actually see everyday. And it is rough. I'm not a lesbian, as I would never have sex with her - well ok, she can go down on me, but I won't go there (TMI moment, isn't that fun) - but I think she is just incredibly hot. (This is the point where I hope no one from my class reads this because I'm about to say who it is, and it could be awkward). Also, I could listen to her talk forever. Yeah, I won't know what the hell she is saying, but her voice is so freaking calming. Everyone says German is a gross language, and true most of the time it sounds like you're going to throw up...

BUT I think it's because it reminds me of a time before my parents were divorced and my mom would read me bedtime stories in German or sing me to sleep in German. You know, a time when I didn't need a blog to get me through the stress of a week. When I enjoyed going to school. When my biggest decision was "Do I go catch frogs after school or read a book?"

Speaking of which...I should be reading right now. It's my most favorite activity (yes, I'm a loser, I get it). I have a pile of books next to my bed because I have intent to read them. And then I get caught up in studying for a German exam or worrying about when the eggs are going to hatch and if my senior research project is going to die (literally). I just finished a book today. Island of the Blue Dolphins, which I read in like 4th grade.

Def had a dream about Reba McEntire last night. We were hanging out in a bar. I think this is a sign that I have not watched Reba in awhile and she misses my dedication to her wonderfully hilarious show.

Side note: I haven't worn pants almost all day.
I've been sitting in a pair of those tight legging things that girls buy to be trendy (or warm in winter in my case). Mainly because I've been exhausted all day, but also because I was still drunk when I woke up. Guess that's what happens when you play circle of death with shots instead of a mixed drink. Damn the little man.

Now playing: Ani DiFranco - Marrow
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, March 29, 2009

worms are kinda gross

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have German homework.
I want to take a nap.
I have to do senior research.
I would appreciate it if people would click on the ads.

I had to touch meal worms today. Can we say, "Disgusting?"
Also, only one person showed up for lab today. Sigh, being a TA is so rough.

Saturday, March 28, 2009


I seem to be one of the more emotionally stable people in my circle of friends...

Is that even possible?

Now playing: Weezer - Keep Fishing (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Too Much To Do

How is it that on day 2 of classes, my to-do list is already longer than my hair and my planner is full from now until April 4th?

And that's only because I haven't scheduled everything else.

Now playing: Ani diFranco - Pick Yer Nose
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Another Dream

Oh, I wanted to note this one. I had another dream about Sonja.

So, I get a call from someone (it was a female) but I don't know who it was. And they tell me that my dad died. So I'm freaking out and go to tell Sonja I have to miss class for the funeral and I'm crying a lot. And she just says, "Well, you can go but I can't let them be excused absences."
"But, my dad died. He was the closest person to me."
"Ok. They still won't be excused."

That was it.

Spring Term Begins

Hello and welcome to the first day of classes. Or should I say class? I only have 1, so...yeah.

I just spent the last ten minutes cleaning out my inbox of unnecessary emails. I went from 173 to 15.  Wunderbar.

I have a problem and that is that I thoroughly enjoy German. I've never actually enjoyed a class this much. Ever. Sure, got a 106% in Sacred Scriptures, but there's only so much love you can have for a class that requires you to read the Bible every night when there are practical things to be done, such as studying the digestive system for an exam.  I'm not trying to downplay the importance of the Bible for all people, but I don't know why they forced me to take it. GPA padding I guess.

Wow, I got really off topic there. Anyway, we had to do oral crap, which I despise doing because it's basically hell to participate... But I had eye candy (lol, not saying who) so everything was A-OK.  I just never want to do it again. And I will probably have to tomorrow.  Yeah, so German is on the list of fun things to do. I have a quiz tomorrow, but its a Sonja quiz... How hard could it get? The people in my class, not so great with the exception of five people (1/3!). I can't believe HE'S in my class again. I'm all for two sections, but only if HE isn't in mine. It was fate...clearly. I'm destined to be with O-face. I just threw up a little at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with him...because even just 70 minutes a day is too much to bear. "O-Face! Change your clothes. You disgust me!"

Anyway, also had to turn some eggs earlier, me being a TA and all. It was probably the best five minutes of my term so far. Just standing alone in a biology lab, turning eggs upside down, with the heat of the incubator flowing over me whenever I opened the door. It was basically heaven. I want to live inside that incubator.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

End of SB

Today is officially my last day of spring break. Let's recap.

Kicked ass at Geometry Wars 2 last night. Sucked at Wario Ware last night. Thank you Yuengling.

Watched kittens be birthed. Mom is hopefully taking Tres. Which will later be named something cute, but I refuse to let her fiance name it. He comes up with Pee Wee (because his last name is Herman). Haha, child molester jokes are hilarious.

It snowed once. There was barely enough snow to cover the ground. It has otherwise been GORGEOUS.

Being an event planner for a social organization, as well as the Treasurer, is kind of hard work. Especially when people do not reply to facebook messages. Good news: Door prize is almost complete.

I got an A in German. I can die happy. Let's just hope I can have a repeat of that this term.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day Four of SB

I have a cold. I was awake for approximately 3 hours today.

Now I'm gonna take a DayQuil and go to Seth's. Because he's leaving and I won't see him before break is over.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Days 2 & 3 of SB

Went to see the kittens again! Ate some Taco Bell. Caught a mouse.

Today, got some dental work done (ie, fillings from a root canal).

Then, I went next door to the eye people, handed them my frames, and said, "These are very broken. I want new ones." So I got new frames. Yay.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Day Eins of SB

I'm that obnoxious blogger who posts about everything that happens, separately. Thus, if you have me in your Google Reader, you have a ton of notifications.

Anyway, Spring Break!

I went up to my mom's to do some laundry. And by some, I mean I had five loads. I had intended to sit on my ass, pet Pookie, and then eat some lasagna and head home. Howevs, Donny's 'rents came, so we had a very German cake and coffee hour. This was followed by the neighbors coming down and this lady talking about how she has seen every state because she and her husband do the whole semi thing. At some point, mom and I took the golf cart (which runs on like a V8 engine) up to Kimber's to see her new floor. She bitched about everything, you know, typical Kimber behavior. (Well, no, you probably don't know.)

Anyway, get back down to the house, and mom tells me to drive the golf cart down the road, so I do. We're going a good 30 mph. Park golf cart, go into the house, where we begin to discuss dinner plans. "We should grill!" says Donny.

Mom and I get into my car, go buy burgers, hotdogs and cheese. We grill, I finish clothes. I go home. Aaryn texts me about her cat being in labor. So I grab my camera and head on in to her house. What. A. Day. Now's it twenty minutes to 4 in the morning and I'm just like "doo do."

Now playing: The Ataris - So Long, Astoria
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, March 15, 2009


I watched kittens be born. Pictures will come when I am on my computer. (As I am currently at Aaryn's). It was disgusting, and I refuse to ever have babies. Ew blood. I named them Uno, Dos, and Tres. Creative, I know...


I'm home everyone! I know you were all worried about whether I had made the treacherous drive in one piece or not. Bought some sweatpants when I got home because I have no clean clothes to sleep in, and they ripped the second I put them on. I'm tempted to take them back, but eff-it.

Now I'm going to go to sleepies. Tomorrow I will hopefully be doing laundry so I have something to wear to ze dentist. Also, Aaryn & I are planning on playing catch-up some time.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


So, at some point last night, my earring fell out. I don't know where it is, and my hole has closed.

Good thing I paid like $20 to get it pierced.

If Reba ever calls me, I'm going to head out, since I wanted to about an hour ago. I guess I should get my DVDs and bedding all packed up.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Worst Pain in My Life

No, I did not give birth. No I did not break any bones.

My nose ring was ripped completely out about 10 minutes ago. It took that long to blog about it because it took forever to get it in. DEAR JESUS, that is pain.

If anyone gets hot by being in pain, get your nose pierced and then rip it the fuck out.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Paperclips & Commencement

Welcome to Thursday night. Some guy is trying to get me to have cyber sex with him, and he's failing miserably.

I've decided that Holocaust history is the only history I can stand to learn. I just watched the movie, Paperclips. It was quite good. I also really enjoyed "Der Tunnel" and (wrote that in German at first, lol) "Bent."

I had to write a paper on ethnic cleansing during the Holocaust when I was in eighth grade and I really hated my teacher for giving me that topic. Because I had to read about small children having ink injected into their eyes and all the other terrible medical things that were done to them prior to being burned. My eighth grade was obsessed with the Holocaust. We had to read The Diary of Anne Frank (which was terribly boring...) and then watch the movie. Eh...

Why is German history so much more entertaining than every other country's? Like really.

OH! And wtf is with our commencement speaker being someone not famous? Who follows Obama, Clinton, and Stephen Colbert with some attorney general from northern Illinois? What a piece of crap school...


I discovered that I don't actually see anything but what is inside people. For example, Norma is 52, and to me that's just a number. Kymi gets a lot of shit because she is Asian. I don't think about that at all. I really don't and I guess that makes me a good person.

Yeah, I remember when this happened. (It is from a blog post about 4 years ago. I'm reading the back issues of My Awesomely Boring Life because I have insomnia.

More fun facts about me, involving this realization: Carri is apparently black and Erika is Asian...hmm I just thought they were cool people. I didn't realize we had to label them.

Remember that time I went to Gannon? LOL. That was fun times.

Or that time I went kayaking?

Or that time I said I didn't join clubs?
Going to college is what is expected of just about every high school graduate, and a must for every one of those that graduated with a 3.7 GPA and A's in several Advanced Placement/College Prep classes. However, what if that is not what I want. I don't like going to college. I don't make friends easily, and I get bored. It's not that I already know everything, I'm far from it, but so far, I haven't had homework. Even with living off campus, I've had nothing to do in my spare time except watch tv and movies...what fun. Living on campus was even harder because I did nothing but talk to my cousin online. Joining clubs doesn't appeal to me because I'm not a social person and the only reason I was in French club in high school was because my friends were in it and the teacher was really awesome. Also, I may have found a school I really like (I haven't visited it yet) but since it is not in PA, I don't know how I will ever be able to afford it. And I have to convince my dad that it's ok for me to go somewhere outside of PA.


And I will see if I like the school enough to pay $40 to apply, and then take out a loan that I will be paying off til I die, and sell my kidney on ebay just to pay tuition. But, if I enjoy the school sooo much that I orgasm when I hear the word Knox, the kidney removal surgery and scar will be well worth it.
For the record, I do not orgasm when I hear the word Knox. In fact, I choke back the urge to vomit repeatedly.

I also reference not wanting to ever taste alcohol again. What a giggle.


Imma post about some of the dreams I've been having lately. If you know anything about me, you will understand what my unconscious is doing to me. If you don't...well, its slightly obvious if you read the rest of the blog entries. (In case you don't know, Sonja is my German professor. And she is very attractive.)

(2/15/09) I'm in German class and Sonja is actually Olivia Newton-John and she's making us sing. She singles me out and I said, "Yeah, I don't sing in public." Then she gave me an F in the class. However, she went into labor at this point. She gave us an exam about her life, and everyone in the class thought it was creepy that I knew about her. But she's ONJ, I know a lot about her.

(2/20/09) There was a blizzard, so my German class gathered around to watch a movie, being trapped and all. We were waiting for Sonja, because they are ALWAYS exactly on time, never early. When she finally got there, she had dyed her hair brown and curled it. She looked really distressed and went into the back room to take off her coat and stuff. Kleine Sonja told us that she had been told to teach Field Biology in Japan for Green Oaks Term. All of us were worried about her not teaching German 103..Then she came out of the back room and told us about how pissed she was that Knox had sent The German Dept. to teach Bio, she started crying. Then we started 103 and there were so many people I freaked out.

(2/23/09) The entire dream was in German and I have no idea what it was about...I just know that Sonja and I had a conversation and I remember thinking about how awesome it was.

(3/8/09) German class again! I'm standing in the hall when someone hands me a baby (about a year old) and tells me its my turn to babysit. I learn that his name is Jake and that guess who is the mother! Sonja, right! Well, he cries a lot, I do the thing where you pat them and he eventually falls asleep. I walk into the room and yell "S-Dawg!" and she turns, "What?" I hand the baby to her and she looks so incredibly happy; she just ignores class altogether and goes to the back of the room where there is a sink. Jake is set on a little chair and keeps turning and staring at me, smiling. Like he misses me. Then Sonja starts trying to teach him how to say "umlaut," which I think is adorable. At one point he just gets up and walks over to me and stares up at me. "Where's Mommy? Where's Mommy?" I ask, but then realize he probably doesn't speak English. "Wo ist Mommy?" and he turns and points at Sonja. Then I shoo him away towards her and he goes.

(3/11/09) *I will preface this with the fact that I ate rice that tasted like I was in the Pig Barn at the CC Fair* My dad and I are at the CCFair when we run into Sonja, Kleine Sonja, and Sonja's son (who is now 7 or 8). Because, drum roll...She has a date with my dad. what? Anyway, we sit down for dinner and Kleine Sonja says she wants to get beer. And then she goes to Senior Bowling which happened to be the night i had the dream. Then I see a friend and ask if I can go walk around with her. Sonja tells me, "As long as you are back for your oral exam at 7:30."
"No problem!" Well, I'm in the pig barn, and glance at my watch, "Oh crap it's 8:03!"
I run back to the table, but everyone is gone, but they've left my stuff. "Shit! They left me!" And I start crying. From behind me, I hear Sonja say, "Stef?" "I'm so sorry. I tried. And I lost track of time. And...I'm just so sorry." She tried to hug me, but I was very hesitant, but she wouldn't give up or let go. So I let myself have a complete emotional breakdown in her arms while she told me it was ok.

Now playing: Fiona Apple - Sleep To Dream
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm Bringing it Back!

Ok, I miss having this blog, so I'm bringing it back. Hopefully creepy stalker will leave me alone.

Yay finals. I'm going insane, and I'm sure that I will have fun things to blog about after tomorrow when I finish my final final (ha, didn't plan that).