Thursday, December 31, 2009

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good-bye!

So here it is. My final blog post of the most-shitastic year (and maybe decade?) of my life: FAREFUCKINGWELL 2009. (And its going to be a looong one.)

It wasn't that terrible:
2000 - Became really good friends with Melissa & Aaryn. This led to amazing people like Dominic, Seth, Brittney, Brett, and numerous other people who helped make Stats with Mrs. Nancy A. entertaining.

2004 - I graduated high school with a 3.7 (because of our stupid weighting system...I actually had a 4.0). I went to Germany. Went to NC for the first time. Saw Ani DiFranco in concert.

2006 - Discovered Knox. And while I complained for 3.5 years while there...it was actually the best time ever. Ginny.

2008 - Two words: Sigma Frye (well, and Sonja (oder Die Sonjas), Amelia, Julia, Timmi and so many other people that I became super friends with).

2009 - Graduated college. And even though I spent a good portion of this year sitting around hoping for a job or career, it was probably the best of all the years (and the worst). The last portion of my senior year in college was probably the year of my life I will remember the most. I met so many amazing people (Tasha & Anna to name a couple) and became so close with Mandy.

And now, for the fun flashbacks of all the things that you hate to remember:
  • Mrs. Nancy A.'s statistics class.
  • The bomb threats at my high school during 2003-2004, which outnumbered snow days.
  • Robbie.
  • Anatomy with Prof. Mountjoy. (Don't get me wrong, I like him. Hated that class.)
  • And on that note: eating a piece of rotting shark during Anatomy lab.
  • Getting bacon grease in my eye (that actually happened today)
  • The loss of Bea Arthur (We love you Dorothy!)
  • Breaking down in Gary, IN (while it was the crime capital of the US) and sitting/sleeping in a garage for 8 hours...Thanks Seth for having AAA.
  • Hearing the news that Capt. Whiskers, my beloved hamster, had died.
  • George Bush, Jr. was president. Twice.
  • Watched someone have a bad trip. Not. Fun.
  • And finally, I left college. I would go to college forever if I could afford it.
And with this, I say, Farewell 2009. May 2010 be better for all. Or else I may have to slit some wrists.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Final CD

I have decided that this will not be a 2-CD set. Here is my final list, in alphabetical order, determined based off speed, genre, lead vocalist's gender (and in the end, it came down to length).

Alanis Morissette - Uninvited
Ani DiFranco - Buildings & Bridges
Atmosphere - Modern Man's Hustle
The Blow - True Affection
Brooks & Dunn - Indian Summer
Daddy Yankee ft. Snoop Dogg - Zona De Gangsta
Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
The Decemberists - Summersong
Fiona Apple - Get Gone
Her Space Holiday - Japanese Gum
Jake Owens - Don't Think I Can't Love You
Kid Cudi ft. Common & Kanye West - I Make Her Say
Lady Gaga - Paparazzi
Mickey Avalon - So Rich, So Pretty
Paramore - Crushcrushcrush
Pink - Sober
Reba McEntire - Strange
Sarah McLachlan - Building A Mystery
Tech N9ne - Caribou Lou
Terrorgruppe - Keiner Hilft Euch
Wir Sind Helden - Nur Ein Wort

Some songs that didn't make the cut, but deserve honorable mention:

Wir Sind Helden - Kaputt
Azure Ray - If You Fall
Fiona Apple - Across the Universe
Blake Shelton - She Wouldn't Be Gone
Garbage - Androgyny
Ani DiFranco - Marrow (which only didn't make it cause it was too long)
Sean Paul ft. Rihanna - Break It Off
India Arie - Video

Oh, those Ukrainian Blonds...

So I had this dream that it was graduation...and I was saying good-bye to all sorts of people at Knox and then I came to table with the ones that I had been looking for. There was some guy sitting on Tim's lap, and Tim kept reaching down between the guy's legs to dip his bread into the "apple-pie bread dip." (It was an actual bowl of dip that was located between this guy's legs it wasn't...code for something.) And I heard Sonja's voice, but there were three blond women at the table, and I swear to God, I couldn't figure out which one was her...They all said hello to me & Molly, and that was the only thing that made me tell. One was from the Ukraine (wut?) and the other was...something...and then Sonja was sitting behind the Ukrainian (like, in the same chair, but like, chair spooning) with her arms around her. "Hello Stef." "Hello." "You didn't come just to say good-bye did you?" "Yes, actually I did." She takes her arms from this woman's bodice and leans back in her lawn chair. She starts spouting all this inspirational bullshit and stuff and then she takes a bite of the bread with the dip, puts on sunglasses, stares up at the sky and says (I shit you not...) "And remember, Lederhosen cost less when you are on crack."

I'll let that sink in before I continue the dream. Go ahead, take a minute.

Well, her little Ukrainian friend nudges her with her elbow and she has me pull myself in really close and whispers something. But the crowd outside the school has gotten really loud, so I can't hear her. And I keep saying "I can't hear you, what?" (Now, normally right before I hear the words of wisdom, the dream ends, BUT!!!) For some reason, after like the fifth time, it gets nearly completely silent around me (like, everyone is still loud, but the two of us aren't affected (effected?)) and she says "Life carries on."

And then, because dreams are exactly like real life, which is exactly like the movies: Carrie Underwood's "So Small" starts playing, but only this part, and ON REPEAT.
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
What you've been out there searching for forever,
Is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters, after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Monday, December 28, 2009

Boo.

My cousin T was (is?) in the hospital last night because he was having breathing problems. He is 1. This makes me incredibly sad. I started thinking about how terrible it must be to be woken up from a nap, taken on a 7 hour car ride, shipped from house to house seeing people you may or may not remember, and then three days later have trouble breathing. Especially when you can't talk to tell people what's wrong.

A while back, I wanted a kid. What?!? I know. But like, I was watching people be happy with kids and, most holidays are really about kids. And I'm not one of those people who is like "I want a kid so someone can love me and I'll have a pal." I just thought that maybe I would become a parent after YEARS of sticking to my Taurusy ways (ie: stubborn. not that Tauri don't have kids) of never having children. But times like these (although far apart and few) make me nervous. I can't read minds. I would freak out if my little baby was sick and I didn't know why. I want my baby talking from the second it comes out of the womb.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I am Such the Optimist

So while I am grateful for the $100 in gift cards for my much loved Perkins, Jo-Ann's and the Movies @, the time spent with my cousins whom I see maybe three times (Christmas, Easter, and Fourth of July, usually), and even the Snuggie...I have to think about how this holiday could have been a lot better. How it could've resembled every other Christmas I have ever been a part of... In no particular order.

1) I will start with the internet. I am all about passive aggressiveness. But when things are unknown (ie: To whomever is taking my sodas from the fridge, please stop), not when you know exactly who the person is (ie: Joe, stop taking my sodas please). Now, because it would be hypocritical of me to say "You shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me," I will have to say "Amelia, you shouldn't have tweeted passive-aggressively about me." Twitter, as I understood it, is to update what you are doing or where you are. Apparently that is not the case anymore.

Also, to Sarah H: Christmas is not the only holiday that occurs between December 1 and 31. I don't appreciate your Facebook status updates (also I thought reserved what you are doing or where you are) that imply that people who don't celebrate YOUR holiday are terrible people who need "changed." I know I don't have to read them, but when you update every twenty seconds about how people who say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are assholes, then I'm going to stumble on one or five a day. And apparently the comments about how you should be tolerant didn't work. So, yes. I am passively-aggressively blogging about how big of an intolerant bitch you are...because telling you flat out, didn't work. Christmas isn't even a legit Christian holiday. The Christians stole that day from the Pagans because they were intolerant assholes. But at least you can keep that tradition going. I have since hidden this person from my news feed.

2) Where. Was. The. Snow? It seriously rained all day yesterday. And I woke up this morning, and there is no snow outside. It looks like early April.

3) My cousins should've come up. We planned this. They were packing. And then someone says something about how it will be clearly be too icy to drive home, because heaven knows looking at a forecast a week ahead will give you 100% accuracy. Yeah, I would like to say that the roads were completely clear yesterday. And now I am pissed that they didn't come. It's only been six years, what's another year?

4) I cut my mouth the other day, and thus, I can not chew in the back of my mouth. Where the chewing teeth are...And it's on both sides now. It feels like I'm teething, which is impossible because my wisdom teeth were removed YEARS ago. At least 2, cause the doctor has been dead for two Christmases, but I can't remember how long exactly...but I don't think teeth can just regenerate. I have a degree in biology, I should know this. Regardless, I have been bleeding a lot. And it's just not fun.

5) What would one think is a traditional Christmas meal? Ham? I'm thinking ham, since...you know, that's what it has been for at least the last 23 years in my family. Do you know what we had? Barbecued Pork Sandwiches. Ok...Grandma wants to mix it up. I realize they are from the same animal, but really? Where was the ham you need to carve?

I also got a text at 4:11 from my cousin saying "Where are you guys everyone is waiting for you." Because he is 10...and Christmas means presents. And when I was a kid, we never opened presents so damn early. The whole ordeal only lasted about 15 seconds anyway. I didn't see what anyone got. There were only a few thank yous thrown around, from the people above the age of 16...

6) My mother has moved back from Florida (duh) but she's married now. So I have an extra celebration. I didn't want to go because she lives on a dirt road and it was raining ice. Her driveway was really shitty and I am terrified of dying in a car accident. Also, her husband is one of 5 kids. Thus, there were a lot of people there and I don't know any of them. And they don't know me. It was terribly boring. Did you know that they have monster trucking competitions? Because, I know this now. And I watched it. Because no one talked to me the whole time. It was awesome...Fuck. However, they are normal in the sense that there was ham. However, due to miscommunication and Alzheimer's, there were three full-sized hams. I took one.

It seems to me that Christmas is just another day. One where I can't go sit at Perkins cause they are closed. No one seemed to be interested and acted like it was such a chore to go eat dinner with their families. "Oh, it's so much work," "Oh, I spent so much money," "Oh, I'm just so tired." You spent too much money because your children are greedy and materialistic. You are so tired because you were up all night wrapping the presents you spent too much money on. You are the one making it so much work. Just fucking relax. Sit on the couch and watch your kids play with their new toys. Stop acting like the dishes won't wait another hour or like the food is going to spoil if it's left out for another twenty minutes while people are grazing or like you have to win the card game to have a fun time...Just fucking chill.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

And Now For Part 2

If you don't remember: I was driving away with my POW-MIA flag waving from my corvette.

So, the dream stops cause the phone rang and it woke me up. But when I went back to sleep, I'm standing in this building that looks like a hotel, but is apparently just my sister's house. And, guess what! The baby isn't mine, it's my sister's. Yeah, that's right. I was pregnant, but did not give birth, it was her. But they are setting up a dinner for the two families to get together for the first time and have like a meet & greet, so they hand me the baby, who is probably 4 or 5 months old by now, so I can take it away and let them work in peace.

I take the baby outside and it's all summery so I'm dipping her feet in the pool and stuff like that And trying to get her to walk (because she was apparently old enough to do this now...) and the whole time I noticed that Sonja was just watching me from a chair out by the pool. And then the baby was crying so I picked her up, and was doing the "hold the baby and rock her til she stops crying" thing. And I was being a really good "parent" and Sonja was smiling at me...all like she set the whole thing up. And then it starts snowing really badly and I have to get the baby inside so I'm trying to get her all covered and it's not working. But I get her inside and her clothes are completely soaked and my sister yelled at me because she was all wet. And I'm yelling at her because she didn't give me the right clothes to take care of her. And she's like "I'm not even the parent!" and I'm like "Excuse me?" Yeah, so, Sonja is standing at the counter now chopping vegetables, and staring at us - and I realize that my sister has 'given' me her child. And, awkwardly, I'm ok with this.

And then Sonja walks toward me and is about to say something, when she morphs into Lauren Graham (Lorelai from Gilmore Girls) and then I wake up again.

This Baby Has Two Parts

(This is a dream. I almost forgot to tell people that...)

Part 1: I'm getting ready for Knox's 2010 Graduation (ie: putting on jeans to go sit and watch) when I get news that I'm pregnant. (and by news, I mean dream me is like "oh, i'm pregnant...") I know who the father is, but I'm afraid to go and tell his sister so I decide to just skip out on graduation all together and start driving away in my little red corvette (shout out to Prince). I hit a dead end and instead of backing up 12 feet and going down the side road, I get out of my car and start running up the dead end, because it's not really a dead end, but instead the junction of roller-coaster tracks from Knox. Then I came to a bridge and I could either climb it and risk being hit by a roller-coaster (wut?) or get back in my car. I get back in my car, and take the aforementioned road. Which takes me back to the graduation, and turns out, I am stuck there until I inform his sister that I am pregnant. So I go find this Korean woman and I'm like "So, I hear that you are his sister." (FTR, his name is never said....) "Yes." "Well, I'm pregnant." "You better tell our other sister." (What is with these people!?) She turns and points to this woman in the stands, and I freaked out.

So I walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, and when she turns around, I just started crying and said "Oh hi." Because, you know, why would I want to tell Sonja that I'm having her brother's baby? So, we sit in the German section of graduation (I don't think she even goes to those, let alone with her own section) and they are doing their graduation crap. So then, I was like "I think you know" or something and she says "Yes" and I get in my corvette again, hold up my giant POW-MIA flag (wut?) and drive behind the ceremony and everyone claps for my flag...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sigh

My head feels likes an attic. The kinds that you seen on tv or in movies that are cluttered and full of old memories, that aren't really memories because you stored them up there so they would be out of the way. Every once in awhile you climb the ladder, find the one thing you're looking for and then walkaway.

I have so many memories that I want to purge. Most of them involve Knox, and more specifically some of the people there. Every anatomy exam (ps: I cheated), every handle of rum, every hurtful thing people said to me. It all just needs to be put in a box and thrown away.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I. Hate. Everything.

I need it to be spring. Cause then at least I can go outside and get the fuck away from the internet. And then it will be summer and I can go to Germany.

I thought about her a lot yesterday. And it makes me sad because I thought I was over it. I guess not. Awesome, and now that my life has gone to shit again, I will probably never see her again. I tried to tell her. But she didn't listen. Or maybe she didn't want to listen.

Either way, I'm such a waste of oxygen today.

----------------
Now playing: Wallflowers - One Headlight
via FoxyTunes

Friday, December 18, 2009

Listen.

My new favorite song is Buildings & Bridges by Ani DiFranco.

That is all.

blah

I'm passive aggressive, but at least I can acknowledge it.

Anyway, I undertook (have undertaken?) a musical project. And that is to make a "My Fave Music Right Now" CD. And then make another one every year or so around the same time to see how things have changed.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's sad that I may be losing a friend that I really like being friends with. And all because of someone else. It's awesome.

I guess being honest is worthless these days. I'll just continue to lie. That's apparently a better idea.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Anyway, Back to My Dreams...

words in italics = comments about the dream

Not really sure how this one started, but my dad and I, and a bunch of other people are sitting in this building (one of the other people sitting there is Cherie from my high school). I am wearing a red, crushed velvet dress. It looked like this: http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/3b/9/AAAAC5ntnL0AAAAAADuYcg.jpg, and my breasts FIT! What?!? I know, crazy. But anyway, that's important later...we're in this building and that's when the soldiers bust open the door swinging their automatic weapons around. I was thinking, "This all seems so familiar, but from what?" when Cherie is pushed out the door and the guys are like "Single file to the other room. Follow him!" I should specify that 'him' is another soldier, not Cherie. They break up the group, and my dad & I are shoved into the room with her, but Cherie is already gone. There are about twelve other people in the room and I say to myself. "Oh, right...the Nazis. Only, this time it's not about Jewish people."

Now, any normal dream would've just given up...but no. Not mine. Let's continue...

They put us in this room so we wouldn't be able to see or hear their plans for murdering everyone. Now, why they left the other hundreds of people in the other room is as confusing for me as for you. But we saw the way that Cherie escaped and so my dad & I follow. And when we get outside, he disappears (to our house) and I'm stuck in the winter in this tiny little dress. Well, some of the lookouts see me, and they are like "Ooh, there's one now! Look at that hot little dress!" (Pause, if you know my body type...I am not hot in any way...but in the dream I looked like a normal person, un-pause) I start running through the woods, trying to make the dress longer, because originally it goes to about three inches below my vagina. Well, this is when I realize that they only hate lesbians...

I am not a lesbian, but I grabbed this blue ivy plant (it really has no purpose, but it sticks out in my memory) and run up and down shrub lines yelling, "Please! I need someone with a penis to have sex with me so this guy won't kill me! Please! Penis!" Either there is no one in the bushes, or no one has a penis, but either way, I keep running toward my house because they aren't allowed to go into your house. (PS: This is exactly how it happened during the real Holocaust. Seriously, look it up. No Nazi ever broke into someone's house...Right.) I'm running down the street with that stupid ivy vine in my hand still, and y'all, I looked at it and said "Why do I have this in my hand?" and threw it to the ground. This may be the most normal thing that has ever happened in one of my dreams... They are chasing me still and I hear one say "Let's rape her!" But I get onto my porch and into my house and my dad is like, "Oh, you made it?" "Yeah, but no thanks to this dress."

The end. Literally, that's how it ends...What? I get no closure on why the Nazis were attacking lesbians, or why they thought I was one? Boo.

----------------
Now playing: Stereo Total - Ich Bin Nackt
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Feminism Makes Me Upset Again

My apologies (kinda) if this is offensive to any of my regular readers...But if silence is not an option, then I should be allowed to voice my opinion too.

Ok, clearly I am upset about this because I'm sooo into "rape culture" and because I clearly am all about men ruling the earth (yeah, sarcasm, but that's basically how I feel every time I read one of Lindsay's post from http://impersonated.blogspot.com/, and especially the Rape Culture and Christmas Songs)

I will sum it up: She takes one song and talks about how Christmas songs are all about "coercion, intentionally getting someone drunk for the purpose of sex, the idea that not wanting to have sex hurts a man's pride, female purity that needs to be protect by family members, slut-shaming by the community and date rape [being] immortalized in holiday song and cheer."

Ok, 1. I barely ever agree with anything this person says (heaven forbid I label her with a gender specific term such as 'girl, female or woman'). 2. What? or to use internet speak "wut?"

I just want to point out, that I listened to the original version of this song (written in 1944), when it was considered wrong for a woman to stay overnight with a man unless they were married.

Ok, NOW, to the real reason why it pisses me off. The song has no coercion that I can see. The man doesn't drug her or anything; she actually is the one who asks for more, under what seems like no pressure. The woman is the one worried about her image (in 1944, remember that). She is talking about her family being worried that she hasn't come home. What DATE RAPE?? I don't even see anything mentioning sex. In any way. It is everyone else's mind that you assume they are going to fuck the night away, obviously against her will. If she didn't want to be there, she could get up and leave. My God, he didn't throw her down.

OH. AND Lindsay, it's ONE GOD DAMN SONG. I didn't realize that Jingle Bells, Let It Snow, Away in a Manger, Carol of the Bells, Frosty the Snowman, Silver Bells, or you know, every other song I've ever heard were all about rape. Correct me if I'm wrong. Like, I'm being completely serious about being corrected. Especially if you are Lindsay. Cause, really...

I'm sure I could twist everything I read, see, or hear into the way that I want them to be, but I choose not to.

A Band Of Robbers

I had a dream that while I was washing my hair (the right side of my head only?) my aunt came over and told me that they had caught the person/people who were making phone calls to people, pretending to be someone else. To uncomplicate things: They were scamming people and everyone in the area knew about it.

Anyway, she was telling the story of how the cops answered one of the calls, and they gave some information away about their location, and in the end the cops stormed the building they were in. Or whatever, and then my aunt looks at me, my head all underwater still and says, "Do you know who they were?"
"No."
"A band of robbers."
"Oh..."
"Who were dogs."

And no, fine people who read this (hey Tasha!), she did not mean dog as in the term for someone who is morally reprehensible (thanks google!). She meant straight up, eatin' Gravy Train, peeing on trees, licking themselves dogs.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

fack everything

FUCK THIS WORLD.

You know, I don't ask for enough money to buy a luxury cruise and I don't want a fucking 2010 BMW.

I just wish we had enough money so that we could have heat in our house. Or we could fix our cars when they break.

I usually believe in a higher power, but when the shit just keeps piling up, it's hard to believe that someone like God actually exists.

This is just ridiculous...our 3 year old heater has broken EVERY YEAR. Our fucking cars break every couple months. I don't even fucking know anymore. What the hell is the point in living if we can't even afford to be alive?

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

BTW, I'm published...

Yeah, ok, so I'm really bad at photoshopping, but I totes made that cover. Just the green stuff and the hand...the off centered title box was produced by the publishing company. Also, bad at naming things, so my cousin Rae named it. And unless you are completely daft, you will realize that the black thing is a censor bar over my middle initial and last name so as to not get any creepers on my blog hunting me down.

Shout out to all those people who graduated from my college with a degree in Creative Writing in 2008 who have yet to be published! (You know who you are!) That's right, I'm totally rubbing it in your faces that I got a degree in Psychology (and Biology, but who the hell cares about that one?), haven't written shit in about, OHHHHH, seven years (when I took CW in high school), and yet managed to write a novel.

Granted, it's about nothing and a ton of random things you find in Lifetime Originals, but...nonetheless I have an ISBN. I'm never going to put it up for sale, because they are requiring me to price it at $20, and UH, NO cause it's only 142 pages and has like ohsomany editing issues that my editor (RAE!) missed, but whatever. I didn't say I had something perfect published, I said that I got something published. And now I leave you with this epic quote from the main character of my book:

"Why are we in my bedroom? What job am I interviewing you for? My sex slave?"

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Snow. Ew.

Three things are wrong with today already:

1. There is snow outside.
2. I have to do laundry. Like, so badly it's not even funny.
3. I might have enough gas to get to a gas station.

To add to these: My room looks like NaNoWriMo was something that involved art supply explosions and caffeine overdoses. There is random shit everywhere, including six cans of soda on this desk. Which doesn't sound like much, but it's a small desk. Thank you November for allowing me to disregard every basic household chore. And while there really is no reason that I haven't cleaned in these last six days of December, I'm still going to blame it on November. So there.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Sometimes I Dream About Being Poisoned

I just woke up from a nap. And before I fell asleep I had an itch on my head right where a middle part would be...if I ever took care of my hair, but ANYWAY.

In the dream, I was at Melissa's house, but it was actually this house that I remember having been in before (but I'll be damned if I can remember whose it was). Well, I was cooking (as I was/am in real life) and my dad had to run out to get buns (all real events). So while he was out, I was going to work on his present, which involved cutting out pictures. I found out the toilet needed cleaned, so I went to put some of that blue/green stuff in it. Well I got it all over my hands and scratched my head where it had itched when I was awake. And I was like "Shit. I need to rinse that." I started rinsing it in the sink and when I opened my eyes there was blood in the sink.

I looked in the mirror and there was blood coming out of each individual hair follicle thing where the green stuff had touched. So I start freaking out even more and panicking that my scalp is just going to come off in bloody pieces. And the blood gets into my eyes as I'm rinsing and then I'm trying to get it out of my eyes, but as I'm doing this, the whole deal gets into my mouth. And it's like that foaming pipe cleaner - it foams up my entire mouth. But it's not my house, so I have no toothbrush, and I just keep spitting. I'm afraid that my dad will be upset that he has to take me to the hospital (because we have no insurance - holla government...) so I think of the most obvious solution to freaking being poisoned.

And that is to pH balance the basic of the cleaner with the acidity of mouthwash. I went through about six rounds of this before all the green stopped coming out and I felt unpoisoned. So I discover these solid pieces in my mouth and I assume that it is because of my brilliant pH work, and I start pulling the chunks out. My dad pulls in the driveway and comes up to the house, but the chunks are coming in mass quantities now. I keep pulling them out and trying to find a garbage can, but eventually they just start pouring out of my mouth. And I realize they are little strips of the photo paper that I had been cutting apart earlier.

I Wish My Brain Would Stop This

I had a dream about her again. I went to visit her and it was really nothing spectacular or not spectacular. It was just an ordinary visit where we talked about how boring my life is, how exciting hers is, and my emotional instability.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I kept thinking about things that I didn't want to think about. About failing exams my senior year because I just wanted to get the hell out of college. And now that I'm out, I want nothing more than to be back in.

One of the things I thought about was an ex-friend. Who became an ex-friend because of pretentiousness, egotism, and plain old being an asshole. I am not some fragile piece of glass that is going to break. I never was. So I don't understand why I was treated like one. I wish I had never met this person. It didn't even create experience that made me better because of it. I'm not a stronger person for having had this experience. I'm exactly the same I was...which would imply that it had no effect on me...it did, obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it. And now my head is spinning because I know what I want to say, but it's not coming out right. It must be because I'm "a waste of life" who should "kill herself."

Ever since I was five, I was told that in order to get a career you needed a college degree. Well, now I have two. And I'm less employed than I was without one. I honestly don't understand why I can't get one. I've applied at twenty places, most saying "hiring immediately" and yet I get told I'm too smart to work there.

I also don't understand my brain. I can be completely fine and then one thing happens and I'm ready to kill myself. I really wish I could see Ginny some more. I need her. I can't deal with real life without her. I can't handle sitting alone in my house everyday because I can't afford to visit people. Because I can't get a job. Because I went to college.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

another dream

I had a dream last night and most of it remains unclear. But, at one point I need to get into the auditorium of my first elementary school because I left a very important note inside the program form the previous night's show. I'm running down the hall and I'm about to turn at the dead end, when someone yells "Well hey Stef!"

I see my old coworker, Reba McEntire, standing there and she starts up a conversation about how much she misses making the show (?) with me and she's so glad that I came to the CMAs tonight to see her even after the previous night's awards. I was trying to talk to her, but I saw people going into the auditorium and was like "Yeah, I'll be right back."

I got to the door and this woman with a mic is all "Stefanie you can not go in there yet." "Yes, but I need my..." "No, you can't go in yet. You'll just have to wait."

Then someone handed the program to me and I sighed heavily with relief and turned to go back and talk to Reba.

That's when I woke up.

Monday, November 30, 2009

nano

I'm 1438 words away from hitting 50,000 exactly.

I'm slightly panicked, having only 22 hours, 58 minutes left to finish. It's kinda freaking me out.

However, in 1500 words I will be able to say goodbye to "I Lost My Mind Month" and hello to "Catch Up On Life Month"

Mother of all that is holy! I can't type anymore tonight because I tried to give my rats their daily treat. And one of them latched onto my index finger and I flung her across the room. She is safely back in her cage and the bleeding has stopped. BUT DAMN that is painful.

Friday, November 27, 2009

I like when people tell me that they will do things and then one of these things happens:

1. They don't

2. They assume something that is wrong

3. I get pissed

4. All of the above

That would be why I didn't sleep last night. I was up ALL NIGHT after getting home at 10:30 pm. Because I thought I was going somewhere. And then I get a text saying that they left already and figured we'd meet up later because they didn't know I was home.

I was under the impression that MY CAR in the driveway was a good indicator. Or maybe the "Yes, I want to go with you. Let me know when you are leaving," wasn't specific enough.

I have no gas. Or gas money. I have the worst road rage in the world. I don't want to meet you anywhere unless it is your house. Which happens to be next door to mine...
4:00 am exactly.

I may or may not be going to Hell Erie for Black Friday shopping. (never got a call back or text on ETD...)
People come from other states because PA doesn't tax clothes. This makes me unhappy.
I just want a pair of jeans or something.
I'm taking my camera to document any craziness that ensues.

Also, Twitter alerted me that 2 hours ago one of my friend's was in line for something...what.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Sigh, I have so much to do. I have to finish my novel (two more chapters!). I have to clean my room. I have to eat so much turkey tomorrow and then again on Saturday. Also, working on the Xanadu drinking game.

Monday, November 23, 2009

NaNoWriMo

Ok, I'm about to hit 40,000 words in my novel. Which means I am about to accomplish something! Normally I give up on things quickly, but I don't know if its the whole "unemployment depression" or the encouragement from nearly everyone who knows I'm doing it...I am not giving up. Especially not this close to the end. And if I finish before hitting my word count, I'm simply changing all the contractions to not contractions and then changing them back for the proof they're sending me.

Did you see what I did right there? I was optimistic! That never happens. And tomorrow I'm going to start getting ready for Thanksgiving! AND my mom is getting her passport/green card updated on Wednesday. ONE STEP CLOSER TO GERMANY!! Oh man.

Also, if anyone knows where I can get Quark in Erie or surrounding cities (in PA), please let me know. I want to make "cheesecake" deliciousness, but it seems the US doesn't really carry Quark everywhere. Huh. :)

I (literally) was just handed a postcard from Timmi in Japan! Yay! Meinen Timmi, hab dich Lieb!
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Now playing: The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
via FoxyTunes
Dry skin is the worst.

Also, new nose ring! Woot woot!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I Wanna Cool Rider, Too

Here's an idea, and it's way out there too:

How about someone in this family make a decision. I currently have 13 emails in my inbox about Thanksgiving.
Do we have a location? no
Do we have a day? no
Do we have a time? no
Do we have a turkey? 2
Who's cooking it? WHO KNOWS

This is the current situation:
About two weeks ago the email started "So, what does everyone think?" Everyone's reply was "not Thanksgiving day, but free otherwise." Yesterday, I was like "Ok, well its in a week, so perhaps we should pick a day for next weekend to do this." Every reply was "Saturday is good, but Sunday works too. What should I make?" To be completely honest, I couldn't give two shits about what food you make. How about we decide whose house, what time, and then we go on planning the menu? GAH!

I'm so effing close to just saying "Look, as Event Planner for an organization that I helped to start at Knox, I'm going to plan every Holiday gathering. Unless it is your child's birthday, let me do it. Because I want to get things done and on my Google Calendar. And I don't want to be sitting around at a friend's house when I get a call saying "Ok, time for Christmas!" because you guys couldn't decide whether or not to go to Grandma's or not."

HOWEVER (Rae, back me up), I know that if I said, "OK, I say we shoot for eating at 5 on Saturday at Grandma's. But we just bring everything so she doesn't have to work so hard." Half the people will get pissed because of the time I chose for eating (whether too early or too late). And at least one (a specific one) will get upset that someone like me chose, because I'm not an adult. (I'm sorry, I thought that voting, graduating college, entering the job market, and attempting to live on my own for the past 4 years was being an adult...I didn't catch the memo that you have to be married to be an adult).

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Now playing: Michelle Pfeiffer - Cool Rider
via FoxyTunes

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ich will nicht denken. Ich schlafe die ganze Tag, aber nicht während der Nacht. Das gefällt mir nicht.

Ich möchte etwas machen.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

So frustrated.

Car Crashing

I was up until about 5:45 a.m. working on NaNo...I didn't quite hit the goal, but I hit yesterday's so I think that counts. I was kinda upset about going to sleep because I was really feeling it. But I just couldn't. :(

However, I just woke up because of a terrifying dream. Normally I hate waking up from dreams without it having a definite ending, because that means I don't know how it ends: what is the answer to the puzzle, will that bear eat me, or am I going to die. With this particular dream, though, THANK GOD I did not stick around for the answer to any questions, not even "Did Melissa get that check to her mechanic?"

Melissa and I were driving down the main stretch of road between the next town over and our town, when she pulled into a parking lot to pay her mechanic for tires (something I knew she had to do in real life) but the only place to park was on this tiny little hill. Nothing new, this area is full of them. She drove over and parked, but as we were about to get out, I said, "I think this might not be safe," because the car was at a really extreme angle. So neither of us got out so she could move it.

But, before we could do anything, the car starting lifting up from the nose and tilting backwards. The small hill had transformed into a huge cliff and we were plummeting slowly down. As it was falling to land on its roof (I knew it would) I closed my eyes and thought, "Dear God, please let us be ok." We were falling really really slowly, and I looked out the window and could see the trees and rocks float slowly past and said, "Melissa?" I didn't turn to look at her and she just whispered, "I'm sorry."

Then I woke up.

Monday, November 16, 2009

stress...

I have a job interview in an hour. I'm freaking bored as hell. I need to get gas, so I have to leave in the 15 minutes. But I REALLY REALLY don't want to sit around thinking about how I'm going to screw this one up.

I wish I could just know if it was going to be worth my last $10 that was supposed to be used for my Top Chef night muffin on gas to drive the half hour to Staples.

Bloody Noses

Oh hey, Stef is posting a dream...WHAT? That never happens.
This one's short though.

I was sitting at my computer and blowing my nose. Which happens about 700 times a day with these rats living six feet away from my desk...And then I went out to the kitchen to ask my dad a question, but felt the need to blow my nose again. This time, blood started pouring out of it. And then it bled for like twenty minutes, while I had to read a note from someone telling me that I didn't deserve anything higher than an 87% on my review of a movie because "it was kind of bitchy" of me to be so harsh...the person who graded me's words, not mine.

The end.

Actually, the worst part of this dream is that when I woke up I thought it had really happened. Not the grade part, but the bloody nose.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

dream of death

Ok, this dream is going to be just bits and pieces in the second half cause I can't really remember it all.

I was with two other people, walking through the woods and came onto a field. (This would make much more sense if you knew the first house I lived in.) And then we walked past a garden, and there was a tiny little bear cub sleeping. Instead of stopping, cause I knew the mom would flip a shit, I just ran past and I was really sad that I couldn't take a picture. We went into the front yard (which is the front yard of my current house) and saw the golf cart was now across the street. We looked into the small group of trees and saw some witchdoctors standing around the mom. One of them spotted us and started chasing us. She had really long dreads, and when I turned to see where she was, she was only a few feet away and morphed into a bear. We got into the golf cart and tried to drive away, but she somehow died. I think she got shot.

So, second half: The three of us get to this building that resembles a museum. Some things happen and a baby T-Rex gets loose and starts chasing us around. Other stuff happens, we lock him in a room. He sees us running away and breaks through a window in that room. More chasing. In the end, I get eaten. (Kind of like a pathetic Jurassic Park)
I feel nothing.
I feel everything.
I don't like this feeling.

I have been trying to not be critical of NaNoWriMo, and how I sometimes feel that it is stupid for a bunch of non-writers (and I'm sure writers) to get together and write some arbitrary number of words with no editing. Who chose 50,000 words? Couldn't a novel be shorter? And heaven knows they can be longer...just ask Stephen King. And it's not that I can't do it. But I don't like this feeling of not meeting goals that other people have set for me. I could write everyday, but it wouldn't be the best I can do. I get into writing moods, and in these moods I can crank out 3000 - 7000 words. But I can't write 1,667 everyday.

This is why I wasn't a creative writing anything in college. How can someone say, "You have to be creative this week and write a twenty page short story," without feeling like a dick? I'm sure Stephen King isn't always creative. And I'm sure Hemingway took time out of his writing to do things other than be creative...(actually I'm positive he did, because I wrote a paper on him). What if I'm not feeling creative? And what if I'm having a bad week? And then how can they give me a useless and subjective grade on something that they forced me to write, without thinking about whether it was my week to shine? What if they had waited til the next week? Also, what if what this person thinks is a C short story, is an A short story to someone else?

What I'm trying to say is that NaNo shouldn't tell me that I didn't "win" because I only made it to 49,000 words.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Quarter Life Crises

Not five minutes ago, I was peeing. And while I was peeing I came across a mahvelous idea. I now have four options for my life (cause my cousin keeps backing out of the whole Stef becomes the live-in nanny deal...you know, by not getting pregnant.)

1. Kill myself because I am sitting around wasting gas to go apply at every place of business in Meadville, Guys Mills, Saegertown, and all the other cities/towns within twenty miles of my house. I also killing trees with every application that gets the overqualified stamp of disapproval. Also, I'm being kind of dick to my bank by making them pay off my debts with my overdraft protection. Because I have $6 in there.

2. Run away to Germany to live with my Grandparents who will love me and get me fresh poppy seed buns every morning to eat with the delicious mixed berry jam. I can then also use my free time to take pictures of beautiful cityscapes and the country side, and become an expert in beer drinking. Also, I can get some sweet job making the aforementioned poppy seed buns of pure joy. Seriously, the buns at the bakery down the street from their apartment are like mouth orgasms. Ok, this option is looking so much better with every passing second. Or! I could work in Legoland. OR! OMG, the zoo in Munich. God, please let this one be the one that happens, k?

3. Get off my high horse and work in a factory. Factories are below me ever since I got my TWO degrees. I have moral issues with the fact that this town prides itself in its plastics...cause plastics might make it possible (whatever the hell that means), but they also make it possible for poor little sea turtles to choke to death. And I'm all about sea turtles. My nickname iused to be CrushDude...well, not really. (Yeah, Finding Nemo reference, I'm that awesome.) But seriously, if I read over #1 enough times, I will get over the fact that I am way overqualified, and that they will pay me to cut the excess off some stupid, useless piece of plastic, while I burn the shit out of my fingers.

4. I'm just going to sit in my room/the pub library studying for the MAT and then get into Edinboro's Masters in Counseling program. And then I will dedicate the rest of my life (for two years) to researching bullying and either its relationship with adoption or this other one that is hard to explain, so I will use examples. Ex. 1: A girl is picked on because she would rather play sports than with barbies. Ex. 2: A boy is picked on because he would rather color than play football. Basically gender role "rebels" who get bullied. (I'm totally basing this off my childhood and my cousins.) The only holds I see with this one are: it costs money to go to grad school, some parents don't tell their children they are adopted, and how do I operationalize gender stereotypes/roles and bullying. (And I'll just send a shout-out to Tim Kasser, Ph.D. for making me think that last one.)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Dreams Are Epic (and long)

I think my unconscious read my blog post. Cause I had a dream that I remembered! Another long one, but after I die, it gets really effed up)
Some things that may help this dream flow and make a little bit of sense:
  • Ochocinco is a player for the Bengals
  • Seth has one sister, we have never met, and she is the oldest
  • I read a "feminist" blog post last night that did nothing but bash men (sexism goes both ways)
  • Nick was not my favorite Backstreet Boy, just sayin'
Ok, so I do believe this dream starts out in my high school and I'm walking down the hall to my class with, yeah you guessed it, Sonja (cause what other teacher has ever made an appearance?) Class lets out and I pull my jacket on and put my bag on my shoulder (seems not important, but just...calm yourself). I begin to walk away, but she stops me and says, "So, I just wanted to point out that Nick is here and he's giving out candy. And since it's your birthday, you might want to get a piece." She smiled and then leaned in really close, "I don't hate all men."

Cut to me walking down the hall and get to my locker just in time for Nick to be walking past and he hands me a stick of gum and says, "Happy Birthday" and kisses me on the cheek. There's no foil left on it, just this flimsy little wrapper that says "Pink." Well, I get pissed because everyone else got suckers, but I should feel special because mine is different. But after he walks away, I take a bag of blowpops out of the locker next to mine and shove the gum in. Now it's time for me to go to lunch. But I exit the science wing and scurry past the cafeteria so the teachers can't see me.

I end up in this room that is similar to the area just inside Knox's library, with the soft chairs around a table. And there are two professors sitting there and I take off my coat and bag. We started talking about shit and before you know it, it's time for me to go home, cause it's 3:58. But while I'm pulling on my jacket and putting my bag onto my shoulder (see) the exact same way as before, a CD labeled "mom" falls out of my pocket. I keep trying to hide it before I they see it, but they do and start making snide comments about Sonja, who BTW is not my mom in this dream. And then I said, "Why is it so bad to have a role model? And she's not like other feminists that just bash men. She told me she loves some men. And that not all men are dicks."

So I button up my coat and take my CD and start walking home. I meet up with a bunch of people and we get to the edge of this forest thing. I don't remember why, but I ended up walking into the woods and got attacked by these giant spiders. And I don't just mean giant for a spider, we're talking like grizzly sized spiders. My friends started yelling, "Ochocinco! Watch out!" and one of the spiders bites me in the back of the leg. From the ground I can see the white stuff gather on their lips and then they morphed into aliens and hatcheted me to death. (end of dream? HECK NO!)

Ok, so while I'm dying, I go on what can closely be described as an acid trip. I could hear my friends yelling for me, that they didn't want me to die, and that they were going to miss me, but it started being drown (is that the word/tense) out by white noise, accompanied by rainbow colors and these little white blobs with faces dancing. After floating through this, I end up back on Knox campus, but covered in blood and surrounded by other students covered in blood.

Well, it's Flunk Day and all us dead students are pissed that we can't go, so we make our own and invite the live people. (Something about dying before we finished something...I don't know, think Casper.) So, while people are setting up the slip & slide bowling alley, I start walking around looking for Sonja to say good-bye (because that is my unfinished business, and if you know me in any way or have read my blog ever, this is what I would do in real life... or real death?) However, I get side-swiped by Seth's family and his dad is like "OH HEY!" and I'm like "Yeah, Hi. Look I gotta go find someone" and he's like "Why don't you play with Emily?!!" "Um, who?" "Seth's little sister Emily. We've been hiding her."

So I take her into this abandoned house (naturally) and I do this tarot-like thing with the letters of her name and she starts freaking when I get to the E, so I end up stopping. They disappear and I see all the dead people having lots of fun out the window, so I get on Facebook to find out why the hell I haven't seen Sonja. I search her name and I can read her status and it says, "Sonja ___ has gone back to her old teaching school in Greenville, Pa." "WHAT!?!" Oh wait, that's not her, because she doesn't even have a Facebook. And so I go back outside and one of the friends that was in the woods with me, puts a purple tiara on me. And tells me I have to play with the slip & slide bowling. So while they're hooking her up, I run like hell away and I'm looking at everyone in the crowds, just wanting to get my unfinished business out of the way because I want to cross-over. And then I finally spot her, walk up and say, "Hey, I just needed to say..."

YEAH. I FUCKING WOKE UP.
I opened this tab to blog about twenty minutes ago. And then I got distracted and have no idea what I was going to blog about.

I do know, however that I was in a good mood, read something of a friend's, and then was in a bad mood.

Or maybe its because God hates me today.

Monday, November 09, 2009

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately. It's really upsetting me.

Apparently they haven't been significant. But I want to remember them.

Maybe its because I've been drugging myself up with caffeine.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

I think my writing is best done between 11 pm and 6 am. I can't seem to even bust out 1oo words at any other time. But I sit down and start typing that late, and next thing you know, I've gotten 2000 words out.

I think it's because out here in the country, there is no noise after roughly 10 pm. No one drives down this road except the people who live here. And since the average age of those people is probably 65, no one is awake that late. The only real distraction I have is Facebook, which I find impossible to just close. It really makes no sense.

Anyway, I just broke 14,000 words and I still have a ton of outline left to cover, so I'm gonna get back to that. Maybe someday I will get to the 2000 things I have in Google Reader that I intend to read "tomorrow," but they are from 2008...

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Now playing: Spice Girls - Never Give Up On The Good Times
via FoxyTunes

Friday, November 06, 2009

I have quite an odd obsession with pepperoni.

I want it on my sandwich. My pizza. My cheese. My tongue.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I plan to make it through my next period without spending a cent on products. And no, this does not mean I'll be using things left over from before.

I am all about free stuff, so the fact that I've gotten about 12 tampons/pads in the last couple days is just amazing. That shit is expensive. And the $3 I get every 10 days from doing surveys is not going to support my biology.

I also started collecting coupons. Because I'm a 35-year-old housewife?

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Now playing: Olivia Newton-John - Gaia
via FoxyTunes
There was an ancestry.com commercial just on. And this guy says, "We were told my (great? I don't know he was old) grandfather fought for Germany in WWI. But when they released the draft card, we discovered he had actually fought for America. It makes me even prouder to be an American."

Um, I don't know why. But I found this offensive. Even if he hadn't picked Germany...like, so what if your grandpa fought for a different country? A lot of the people in America (coughnearlyeveryonecough) has ancestry from another country. Get over yourself.

I'm fine with the fact that my grandpa fought in WWII for Germany. He did what he had to do.
I just put my headphones in, in an attempt to drown out all the other noises around me. The large scary animal that keeps walking on my front porch, the rats, and, ironically, the soft clicking of my keyboard.

It is 3:33 am and I am wired. I took an Excedrin Tension Headache pill around like 7 and the caffeine has me buzzed as hell.

I think I got bit by the creative insomniac bug, because my NaNoWriMo is up to just over 5,700 words. And I've got more. The magic is pouring forth from my fingertips. The only regret I have is not being able to type as fast as I can think.

Update on my saline solution game: The palm tree sculpture from my 11th grade ceramics class - yes!

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Now playing: The Cardigans - No Sleep
via FoxyTunes

Monday, November 02, 2009

My New Game

I have this spray can of saline solution that Nikki gave me for my piercings. Ever since I started NaNoWriMo (you know, yesterday...), I started getting really frustrated at my extreme obsession with grammar. Because I am not supposed to edit things, just write. Anyway, every couple hours I find something in my room that won't be ruined and then see if I can hit it with my spray can. I realize that sounds like I throw my can at it...I meant that I "pull the trigger" and see if I can spritz shit.

My results thus far:
Rat Cage - no
TV - yes
tote of fabric scraps - yes

update:
Aardvark statue - no, but the tv underneath it...still a yes
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Now playing: The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, October 31, 2009

my subconscious is effed up

DUUUUDE! Just remembered the other dream! I guess I have to give background. Todd is the new German prof at Knox, Heather is a pysch prof..and that's about all. Warning: It's looong.

So, this girl Sam (I don't remember her name, but Sam will work) and I were messing around in the basement of the school (?) and we started wrestling (literal wrestling, this has nothing to do with sex). Then it was time for class, so we went to Todd's class, even though it was not German; Sam and I sat next to each other. She started whispering to me about something he said, and he stopped class and came and stood behind the two of us, so the entire class would be looking directly at us.
T: It seems that maybe we should make some things clear for the rest of the class, don't you think?
Me: What are you talking about?
T: Sam, wouldn't you like to explain to the class your new sexual orientation?
S: Um, not really. But I guess they can know that I'm a lesbian.
T: And Stef, what about you?
M: What about me?
T: Tell everyone about the relationship you and Sam have. Tell everyone about being a bisexual.
M: Are you fucking serious? (the class started clapping for us and as I burst into tears) Nothing about my sexuality should come up in class. I never said I was not straight. I don't like labels!

I ran out of the room, slamming the door (heard someone comment on how loud that was) and ran down the hall to where I know Sonja is teaching. I wait outside the room for her so I can complain about him, and the bell rings. People keep trying to talk to her and she keeps telling them that she doesn't have time. She needs to be somewhere, so in an attempt not to bother her I start walking away. But she sees me and yells down the hall, "Stef, what is it?" I turned around and she saw that I was crying and she says, "Oh God, please tell me its not about Todd again. I've gotten so many complaints about him..." "It's about Todd." She starts to walk toward a gingerbread house/cookies selling table and I said, "He tried to out me in class. He told everyone I was gay and I'm not."

At this point she turns into Heather, and she starts frantically walking around trying to sell all these cookies and shit for Christmas (I don't really get it...) I'm scurrying down the hall towards my locker (um, what? why is this suddenly in my high school?) and I see Molly so I yell, "Hey. Come to my locker and hurry." When she gets there, I can't figure out my combo to open it, so I'm just standing there like an ass, crying. It magically opens (quite literally, it just pops open) and there is a print out of the combination to get in. (I feel like the numbers are important - 0, 6, 13) Heather comes up to me, hands me a pile of book things and scurries away.

They are a bunch of hand-embroidered pictures of like, trees and pretty scenes. Molly tells me that this is how she's going to apologize for Todd's behavior.

dreams

I had so many dreams last night that I didn't want to wake up this morning. I don't remember most of them, but I do know that Gordon Ramsay made at least one guest appearance.

But the strangest one, was that I was sitting around doing something strange, like eating mussels or something and someone said "Hey, you look like you have a baby bump." (I was skinny and not fat like in real life) "Hahaha, yeah. It's cause I'm pregnant. But I like to pretend I'm not." And the other person was like, "Wait. You mean you're actually pregnant?" "Yes." "Is it his?" "No. But I think I'm going to use this one as practice for when we get married."

Friday, October 30, 2009

When I was five, I colored a heart purple, and my teacher made fun of me. She called me out in front of the whole class to point out that I did not know what color a heart was. I wish I could go back in time and tell this woman, that she can’t tell me what color I can or can’t use to describe my own heart. Even today, I don’t believe that Mrs. Jones knows what color a heart is, let alone mine.
What have I gotten myself into? This is going to take way more commitment than I think I have.

The 365 Day Photo Project is already getting to me. I'm so behind in my postings. I want to accomplish both of these things so badly. Wish me luck!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The biggest problem in my life right now is the fact that everyone song has at least 1 line that reminds me of you.

Even Snoop Dogg can make fucking bitches and smoking pot remind me of you.

I hate admitting that I've fallen. But I have. And it's hurt to fall so hard.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Things On My Mind

I'm in a computer lab and the two guys who were next to me just spent more time writing one paper for Bio 210 than I did for all three papers together. I also find it amusing that they have Esther for it. I wanted to tell them that they will probably be screwed when they get to a higher level bio class and have to figure out statistics. But I figure they can realize such things on their own as did so many others before them. Now there are students in here talking about the biology program. I really want to tell them that they have no idea what they are talking about. But then again, I just want them to get their reality check. Why are you talking about things that you know nothing about? Stop trying to sound smarter than you really are. Seriously.

I kinda don't want to go home. For obvious reasons. But as I am sitting in this lab, I realize that I need to leave. These people are 5 kinds of immature and 4 kinds of loud. This is one of the reasons I did not frequent the computer labs. Because people go there. And these people are students. And these students are not on my level. Ugh...

Another thing I am struggling with is the fact that I am too angry about too many things. I'm angry about everything and then I hear people talk about things that make me angrier. And about things they don't really know anything about but I do, and therefore I want to correct them. But I can't, cause then I will be either condescending or racist/prejudice. Especially in this situation.

I fear that my computer will be shut down soon. Any computer that isn't being used, is getting a yellow flag. And I am worried about this. Turns out it is not a problem, but they are conserving energy.

I can't go back to the room I'm staying in yet, because there may be sexual activity going on. However, I want to head home in 12 hours. I'm tempted to just bust in and be like "Yo, I'm totally just leaving now. I'll sleep in Indiana."

I want to say goodbye to someone. But I don't want to fuck things up. So I'm just going to leave. Bad way to handle things? Yes. Most definitely. But isn't that how I do things, the wrong way? Yes. Therefore it works out quite perfectly.
omg kill me

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dreamy

I had a dream last night that I was riding my bike. And I got to where I needed to be, but I kept riding past it. And then I got to the sign of the next town, threw up, and then turned around. When I got back to the place I was going, Mandy (or Melissa, I can't remember) was there and asked what took me so long. I said "I was just riding around and found ____" (the next town) and then I explained that I threw up. I think there was a sandwich involved. End.

Also, I think that on Tuesday I may have to find her, hug her, cry, apologize, and walk away.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

home? no home?

conundrums...

meh follow up

I feel the need to expand upon my last post, which consisted solely of “meh.”

I met with Sonja. This is usually a good thing. Because…well, it just is. The problem here is that I never want to see her again…and I never want to go a day without seeing her.  I will be happy. And then I leave, and I feel not happy.  I don’t understand how something like this is possible. How can I be happy about things and yet, be so depressed? I would like to go into so much more detail about this, but I don’t actually know who reads it.

I don’t want to be the Debbie Downer because of all of this.  I just want to remove myself when I’m feeling like shit because I don’t want it to rub off.  So if I’m hanging out and then disappear for an extended amount of time, it’s probably because I am off crying somewhere…and I most likely want to be alone.

Also, I don’t really feel like I should be here at Knox. The person I’m staying with is dealing with her own shit and I feel like I’m in the way. I honestly just want to go home. But I know that going home is the worst possible thing.  I thought that by coming here I would feel less shitty about things and it has had quite the opposite affect. I now just think about terrible things I could do to myself more.

Sonja told me to email her if there is anything she can do for me. If only I could bring myself to send that list…Or just the one thing that is most important. But she can’t do it, because she has told me already. And this just adds to the things that make me never want to see her again. And, because I’m fucking crazy, this is the same reason that I want to see her everyday. So maybe she will figure out how to do it. How to help me.

I don’t know how to express feelings. I don’t think I want to know. I don’t want to tell people how I really feel about them. I’m embarrassed because of how I feel.  I don’t want them to ever find out. Yet I’m sitting here writing on a blog that I’ve linked these people to – the ones that should read it, but probably won’t – hoping that they will stumble upon this, read it, and tell me that the feelings are mutual. 

Maybe I will just sit in Galesburg until I get too fucking depressed to do anything else.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I feel incredibly sick. I woke up, needing to pee, but when I stood up, I fell over into my chair. My sense of balance is totally off right now. It's really horrible.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

crocheting

I have been crocheting so much for my friends lately. My fingers are starting to hurt. But I still have 3 more things to make. And this last one is turning out very tiny..and I don't like it. But I really don't want to start over. It makes no sense; I did not switch hooks.

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Now playing: Paramore - All I Wanted
via FoxyTunes

Nightmares...

Had a dream the other day that two guys broke into my house. One was holding me down while the other tried to rip my clothes off to rape me. Dream me kept telling real me to wake up because she was scared. And she kept thrashing around on the bed in an attempt to wake me up. I don't know if I was actually trashing around while I was awake or not.

It was really odd/terrifying.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Honest Blogger

Ok, so you may have read some posts similar to this one if you are a blog connoisseur, but I'm a follower. I thought about linking to where I got this idea from, but I decided that since it was from a topic-specific blog that I'd rather some people who might read this don't know I am interested in, that I will not. But anyway, the deal is, you list 10 random facts about yourself. (There was also talk of nominating other blogs, but I don't care about crap like that. You can do it if you want and shamelessly plug my blog if you wish. :D)

1) I truly believe that I can relate anything that happens in my life to a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode. Quotes, characters, dance moves, and the like.

2) I like hitting the sauce. Especially with Whiskey and Pucker. Two ends of an alcohol spectrum, I realize, but really...I'm not really a fan of Vodka and Rum, however, they will do in a "I have no money, need to get drunk" situation. WILD TURKEY!!

3) I am going to visit every zoo in the US & Germany. And then I will pick my favorite and work there. It will happen.

4) Snoop Dogg is my favorite musical artist. There is no competition. Olivia Newton-John comes in second. How is this possible? I'm not exactly sure, but...it happened.

5) Je parle français et/und ich spreche Deutsch. Deutsch ist besser!

6) I live in a log cabin. This house used to be a blacksmith shop. I do not have a window that opens, but it does come in at a whopping 6 feet wide and five feet high. Thus, it is hot as hell in summer and cold as Antarctica in winter.

7) I have eaten moose, and damn it, I liked it.

8) Thing that terrifies me the most: bears. Followed by tornadoes. Bears may be cute, but let's face it. If I were in a fight with one, even with a gun, knife, bear repellent, and a car, I would lose. He/she would just rip me apart. Literally.

9) I get way too into TV shows that I watch. If I watch a show and enjoy it even in the slightest, I end up "attaching" myself to a character, and wishing that it was me (or I was her? I dunno). And I get legitimately upset when that person does something stupid in the show someone does something stupid to them. Gilmore Girls = Rory; Reba = Reba, Any Day Now = M.E., House = Cameron, Family Guy = Lois, That 70s Show = Donna.

10) I think that people talk about sex too much. It is on tv too much. I do not care if you have sex. I do not care if you don't have sex. I don't care how old you think people should be before they have sex. I really just do not care.

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Now playing: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I just watched The Office: Jim & Pam's Wedding. Twice.

I can't tell if I am happy, because Pam has always been my favorite, and she and Jim are perfect for each other. Or if I am depressed, because Jim is amazing to her. He made me cry three times. And why does this make me depressed? Because I'm going to die a virgin, who has never had someone love her the way that Jim loves Pam. (ok, I'm not an idiot, I know that they are just characters...but still, it's sweet and some men can take a hint from that).

I love someone. Two someones to be exact. But they won't love me back. So, yeah. Unless I move somewhere very far away from here, I will never be happy.

Friday, October 09, 2009

grr

I need to vent a few things.

1. Dear Facebook,
Stop suggesting friends to me that are from WoW. I do not care that I have one mutual friend. I have never met these people. I have no desire to meet my friend's "friends" from an online game. And on the very awkward occasion that I do meet these people, they refuse to use my friend's real name, and instead call her by her WoW name. This is not sane in my opinion. It is just a game.
Love, Stef

2. Dear Wow,
Yes, I played you for a mere 4 months or so. Yes, I enjoyed killing bears and spiders with my friend. However, now that you have taken over her life, I do not like you. I used to have a friend. Now the only time I see her is when her sister asks me to hang out. And by "see her" I mean, we exchange Hi and Bye and pretty much nothing in between. Quite frankly, you are a piece of shit game. You ARE JUST A GAME.
Love, Stef

3. Dear Friend,
You have become nothing to me. You do nothing but speak in WoW terms, to WoW people. I do not understand how staring at a computer screen for 18 hours a day can be fun. I do not understand how you can prefer to hang out with people who aren't actually real (the characters) over humans. I don't understand how having conversations in Vent & WoW is more fulfilling than in person - with people who liked you before you had to spend 18 hours a day playing a game. I don't understand why you want to spend Christmas with these people. Most importantly, I don't understand why you don't understand why it bothers people so much that this is what you do. I have seen you cry over this game. Get legitimately pissed over this game. Smoke a pack of cigarettes in 2 hours over this game. And now I'm watching you lose 2 friends over this game. And yet, it is just a game.
Love, Stef

Thursday, October 08, 2009

I decided I didn't like the old countdown. But this one...This one has the exact minutes until I leave.

Dream Time!

I was sitting in German class and we were doing partner activities; my actual German classmates were on one side of the room and people from my high school were on my side - Jordan sticks out the most.

So, Sonja is making us STAND UP and do our dialogues in front of the class, and Jordan and I do NOT want to do it (hmm, this all seems very realistic) so we're kinda like, "let's pretend like we didn't know what we were doing." Then, across the room, Julia & Erin get up and they walk to the water fountain where Julia starts throwing up. And the smell wafts over to me, and I have to run to the hall, where I start throwing up. I'm standing out in the hall washing my mouth in a sink (cause all halls have those, don't you know) and Sonja asked if I was ok. I just shook my head and then I think threw up again.

Then, from the other tent (oh, didn't I mention we were in one of those giant tent-like things that fairs have) we hear some screams. Turns out the flying octopus monster is back. And the only way to escape it is to get the historical team of awesomes together (ok, now where my mind came up with a term like that...) So, we're walking around and he keeps landing on people's heads and using his suckers on them. Then flies away. Then this man comes up to me and says "That woman over there (points to Sonja) says you know King Herod."

TIME OUT! 1. King Herod? and 2. Why would Sonja tell him this? TIME IN!

"Um, ok?" And he takes me onto a giant boat, explaining to me as we walk that I am in fact the reincarnation of King Herod, and I am the final Historical Awesomes Team Member they needed to find. Also, "You will find that your room is suitable for our long trip." As I'm asking what? They lock the boat and start sailing or moving, whatever ships do that aren't sailboats... A friend came on with me, but I don't remember who it was, and we start walking around my "quarters" looking at all the gold things and books. The captain comes in and starts yelling some shit about me not being allowed to touch these things and blah blah blah, so my friend is like "Do you know who you are speaking to? This is King Herod, so back off!"

As I am taking a book off the shelf entitled "The Complete History of King Herod" the previous man comes in and is about to explain my mission.

I woke up.

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Now playing: The Shins - Know Your Onion!
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I want to have a breakdown. I physically feel like I need one. But I have no reason, really. I'm actually quite happy.

Aside from the fact that I have no money, I'm bored all day everyday from lack of employment, and in 10 days, memories are going to be stirred up that are going to cause me to have a breakdown....

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Dream

I had a dream last night that I accidentally swallowed a straight pin. It was lodged in my throat horizontally and my dad said the only way to dislodge it was to throw up. So I lie down on my bathroom floor and fake vomitted until I actually did. Then, because vomit disgusts me, I woke up.

Monday, October 05, 2009

texting

There was a thing in the Newspaper today asking people if texting should be illegal while driving. Two teenage girls said no. Their reasons follow: 1. No one would follow that law anyway. 2. What if you need directions in a hurry in an emergency?

1. People speed, so maybe those laws should be gone. As well as murder. Because people still murder people.

2. Ok, maybe I'm old fashioned, but how is calling someone for directions not easier than typing them out and then sending them to someone? Or, if you are lost or something, pull over and then text them.

I think that having been not a teen for 5 years has made me hate them. A LOT. Ok, it's not so much teens as it is high schoolers who think they know everything.

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Now playing: Paramore - When It Rains
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, October 04, 2009

So, today I got news that something I was told when I was around 8 was not true. And it affects someone I have been friends with since I was 7. But I can not tell her. For multiple reasons. It just makes me feel unfeeling.

Does that make sense?
I have no feelings right now.
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Now playing: Wir sind Helden - Kaputt
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sitting around drinking tea because I think my throat is on fire.

Can't wait for Saturday!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Variety is the spice of life, but all I have is cinnamon.

I found my chapstick. That is about the most exciting thing in my life right now.

BUMP:
Created by OnePlusYou

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Stupid Maury Teenagers

Ok, time for a normal post!

So, what the hell is wrong with today's youth? (Yes this spawned from my tweet about Maury: Confront My Out-Of Control Teen.) These girls (and one boy) are 13-14 years old. One (14) got pregnant at 12, has gotten Chlamydia TWICE, feeds her baby kool-aid and ignores him when he cries - OH Just found out she uses her child support to buy weed. The boy was thrown out of school "about twenty times" and has had sex with "six or seven girls" but he doesn't really know. A 13 year old is getting drunk, stealing mass amounts of shit from Target, and beating up security guards.

Now, let me ask again. What. The. Fuck?

When I was 12/13 I would sit in my room doing my fucking algebra homework and studying for my next history exam, all while practicing for the choir concert I had coming up. Maybe planning to go to the movies with a couple friends. And the largest thing I ever stole by that time, was a fucking cowtail candy thing. The first time I ever got drunk was when I was 17, maybe 18. The first time I ever smoked pot was a couple days after my 19th birthday. I have never (seriously) considered having sex for money, and I NEVER wanted to have sex with 12 different people in the same week, let alone unprotected. I'm 23 years old, and I still don't want to do those things. (not the getting drunk part, obvi, but you know...the sex thing).

I actually know someone like those teens. I know about all the drugs she smokes, snorts, whatever. I know about all the sexual activities she takes part in. I know that she sells her medication so she can buy energy drinks and speed. She's 15 now, but I've known her since 13. And she's been doing all of this stuff since then. She does nothing but yell at her parents and I'm waiting for her to just haul off and punch them. I know it's coming.

I just don't understand what goes through kids' minds to make them think that this is the perfect lifestyle. That girl "loves her baby so much" but she's going to get a reality check when the state takes it away from her. And I'm sure it's going to be fun when she gets some STI that can't be cured. I'll admit, getting drunk and partying is fun. But there are people who can do so responsibly and legally. I got drunk nearly every weekend and Wednesdays. I still got up, went to classes, got As in these classes, and graduated.
I think my appendix is trying to eat its way out of my body.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

When did Avril Lavigne start having lyrics that spoke exactly what I was feeling?

Because I do just want to sit and stare at you. I don't want a conversation. I do just want to cry in front of you. Because I'm in love with you. Damn it.

I just turned into a 14 year-old girl.

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I don't want to be at home. But I don't want to be anywhere that I can get to. Predicament.

Also, I kind of hate everything right now, so I may not be the most active person. I don't want to Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Blog, IM, nothing.

I can't wait to get to Knox.

um, yeah.

http://stefsthreesixtyfiveproject.blogspot.com/

trying something new. lol

Monday, September 21, 2009

Gonna spend the rest of the day lying in bed, watching something terrible, hugging my rice-sock heating pad in the fetal position. Fun times right?

I'm also gonna finish the elephant I'm crocheting. I need to start selling instead of just giving them away.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

You know what feels awesome? When your body feels like your uterus is slowly eating its way out of your body with a million little teeth.

Yeah, how's that for imagery.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Incomplete records haunt me so.

(Anyone know the movie that quote is from?)
For the rest of September, I have decided that I'm going to finish things that I started. Because I am sick of looking around at all my unfinished projects that "I will get to tomorrow." Well, it's been months since I started this, a year since that project began, that's been on my to-do list for weeks...

Here is a list of some of the things I can remember.
Fix my bag that broke sometime in April.
Fix my jeans that broke sometime in 2007.
Finish: Kenny's Harley hat...and worm.
- my scraphgan.
- book-safe.
- the ton of books I've started: When Elephants Weep, The Lost Symbol, Fahrenheit 451, Mein Herz So Weiss, Indecision
- Sigma Frye scrapbook page
- my "Die Giraffe" cross-stitch
- my Grandma's photo album organization
- researching my mother's herb garden
- my mother's crocheted hat
- the Sept. crochet-along Panda
Watch the movies I bought but never got around to watching.

Here we go!

BUMP:
Created by OnePlusYou

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Now playing: Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You into the Dark
via FoxyTunes
You don't know what you're talking about. I won't get into this debate with you. Get over yourself, you do not know everything.

Glad my Friday night went to shit between 12:50 and 12:56 am.

Friday, September 18, 2009

dream or nightmare?

I had another effed up dream last night.

I was on Knox Campus and there's was a mandatory campus-wide game. And the point of the game was to be murdered or, in the case of other people, be the murderers. But you aren't suppose to know who is who. I was one to be murdered. I don't really remember a lot of the details, but I remember being drowned in mud. And I kept taking my tongue out to get the mud off it after I re-spawned as a zombie-type thing. That was the part that stuck out the most - trying to get the mud off my tongue, so I'm guessing that's the significant part. Also, found out at the end of the day, while Amelia was walking around with me, that the more times you die, the more people that love you. I thought that Amelia was one of the murdered, but then (ok, this part is shady as well) I remember being up against a wall while the guy was still telling people about the people loving you thing and Amelia walked up in front of me and said "I love you," and then she killed me again. But I didn't respawn. Cause she did it after the game was over.

Ok, so after I looked up what Tongue meant, I should probably add that I was frantically trying to find Sonja to tell her something. I don't know what it was in the dream, but I wanted to leave that out. Apparently that was important.
___________________________________________

Mud
To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed.

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated.
To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing, signifies that your reputation is being attacked and called into question.

Tongue

To see your own tongue in your dream, signifies the things you say and express. You may have said too much or you may need to express yourself more.
If your tongue is sore or looks unusual, he dream may be a metaphor that you are tongue-tied and indicates your nervousness about verbalizing or communicating some feeling or thought.

Murder
To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Created by OnePlusYou

Ah, Clever Authors

Because I like to quote things, and I love Dan Brown's books. (No, not just The DaVinci Code because they made a terrible movie about it...)...I thought this was clever. (page 32, The Lost Symbol)
Silence settled over the room. The student from the Women's Center looked uneasy. "You're in a cult?"

Langdon nodded and lowered his voice to ta conspiratorial whisper. "Don't tell anyone, but on the pagan day of the sun god Ra, I kneel at the foot of an ancient instrument of torture and consume ritualistic symbols of blood and flesh."

The class looked horrified.

Langdon shrugged. "And if any of you care to join me, come to the Harvard chapel on Sunday, kneel beneath the crucifix, and take Holy Communion."