Wednesday, February 28, 2007

why i'm pissed right now :)

Yeah, so I basically am pissed off at everyone or thing in existence. There are VERY FEW exceptions at this particular moment in time.

Ok, so we can rule out everyone who doesn't actually know me or hasn't spoken to me in a while...but like the first statement there are exceptions to that rule as well. First off, I am pissed at Knox. I was really looking forward to rooming with someone I don't hate. Molly is going to be an RA with is fine, because she will have a single. Maddi is going to be abroad and therefore I will not be able to live with her. Knox has decided to just randomly place these people when they return. I am going to fill out a roommate form, and I am going to avoid living with someone that a) doesn't speak english (well or at all) and b) a first year. I REFUSE to live with a first year. I'm going to be a fucking senior and if they put a fist year with me I will be so incredibly pissed off, I will transfer. I'm not joking. Knox has also decided to offer about 1/3 of the classes I ever need therefore causing me to live with these fucking retarded fucking first years forEVER.

Second, Ginny brought up my parents' divorce. This only made me incredibly pissed at my parents, John, and indirectly Ed. John is the reason why I have to see her in the first place. He ruined my life. Why the FUCK would I want to think about him. And he had facial hair. Which just made me generalize that all people with facial hair are complete assholes. Which brings me to think about Ed. He tried to have sex with me. I don't really appreciate that unless I give the go ahead. I didn't. Therefore he can burn in hell for all eternity. Along the lines of facial hair, Tim didn't respond to an email in a very friendly way. That made me upset. However, through my anger I am able to spend 70 minutes which should be used for Statistics learning to fantasize about him throwing me up against a bathroom stall in the SMC bio wing and being fucked until we are both too exhausted to fuck anymore. This is a problem. I shouldn't have these thoughts about someone who is not only twice my age, but also happily married and a father of two young boys. And why shouldn't I just tell Ginny and ask her what to do about it? Why, because she is married to him. GOD DAMN IT. I really feel like he would be dominating and it turns me on a great deal. Oh shit, is it bad.

Third, Erin should be punched in the face until her fucking pearly white teeth are either lying on the floor in a pool of blood or have fallen out and choked her to death. I hate this woman. She makes me feel like an incompetent 4 year old. "Did the dog really go potty?" Yes Erin, I just fucking told you that. And it's not potty after you past age five's pee/urinate/piss. And why can't you just believe me? WHY THE FUCK would I fucking lie about something like that? Just so someone else has to clean the pee off the floor? Yes, Erin. That is why I do it. So hopefully you will step in it with your fucking camo crocs, fall, and hit your fucking head off the cement and DIE. Jesus fucking Christ. And do not tell me I am useless. You fucking whore. I am not useless. If you feel that way and plan to say things about it, do not tell me to my face. You have hurt me more than almost anyone in this world (see above paragraphs). You made me cry in a public place where anyone could and did see me. I hate you for that. I would be so happy if I could just walk up to you and say "I FUCKING hate you, you hurtful, insensitive, psychotic bitch!"

Fourth, Robbie might be coming to Knox this weekend. Oh good. Right when I stopped thinking about him and all, he's gonna be on campus. And now Seth is pissed, but won't say anything about it to us. But seriously, Robbie made an effort to end our friendship. I was ok with letting it go on its own. Pretend everything was normal, but we would fade apart...NO. He was like "we can't be friends anymore." Seth, you will not see me because I am not allowed to be around this person. I will do something bad. He is an initiator. He fucks up my life. He causes me to get drunk. Which in turn causes me to hurt myself beyond anything that anyone here knows about. It goes so much further than overdrinking and crying in a bathroom...Trust me you don't even want to know what happens in there. And no, it is not what you might be thinking. It is worse. And then I don't even regret it the next day. What I regret is that I didn't have enough will power to stop myself from accepting that first shot. The second, third, and so on until I am too drunk to count. My life is miserable when people like Robbie don't care enough to stop me. Say that "it's not my responsibility to control your actions." But as a friend you would realize that it is not good for me to partake in this behavior and you would stop me. Robbie doesn't do this. He also told me that I will become nothing if I am not famous. Well, whatever. If someone is at my funeral and sad, I have not been worthless. Seth, stop being mad at me for being upset that he will be here. It is the last weekend of term, and I don't want things to be shitty.

Fifth, I am still having visions of Tim fucking me. Oh dear god, make it stop. Please. I will not be able to handle class on Friday...

I think that is all for now. I did not write about my roommate because I don't want this post to be a novel. I wanted it to be a short entry of why I am pissed at this moment. And I didn't think about her really, until just now as I was ending it. Totally.


Rae said...

Absolutely nothing wrong with imagining being fucked by a man with a wife and two children

Rae said...

Absolutely NOTHING wrong with imagining fucking a man with a wife and two children. How about you tell your therapist about it but pretend it is someone other than her husband..just for the sake of not being punched in the face.

Anonymous said...


This is Robbie's sister. You, dear, are nut-zo. I pegged you the first time I saw you.

You know, it isn't my brother's fault that you don't know how to control yourself. It also is not his fault that you insist on loving him when you knew from the very beginning that he will never be able to love you back in that way. Now, don't get me wrong, he does love you. Its just in a platonic way. You pretty much destroyed the possibility of any futher friendship with him when you said he was the reason you wanted to kill yourself.

Obviously, you don't really want to die or you would have done it by now. No, instead you prefer to wander around central Illinois being depressed and pathetic. Here is some unsolicited advice...Start taking responsibility for yourself and stop making everyone else your scapegoat. Or maybe you've never heard of free will.