Wednesday, March 28, 2007

um, fuck you?

1. I was under the impression that love was the opposite of hate. But apparently you can love and hate someone at the same time. Thanks for clarifying.

2. I don't see how I am the one who needs to grow up. I have changed my major only once. I know where I'm going to be in 4 years. And I am recieving help for my problems. I am not in a highly competitive field which will leave me poor and unemployed and I am not repressing the fact that I am depressed, like some people, who need to put up a front, which is so powerful it even convinces them that they are happy.

3. Alcohol does control my life. That's why I have to stop. Its a fucking biological dependence.

4. Thanks for telling me to kill myself. And since everyone just assumes I can't think for myself, I'm going to go do that.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Just as an addition to that last post:

I never blamed him for any of the things you say I did. I never said he was the reason I wanted to kill myself. You, are bad at inferring things.

He is the only friend I ever had that actually allowed me to do destructive behavior. Yeah, that's the kind of characteristic everyone wants in a friend. "Hey, I know you shouldn't drink, but here's a bottle of wine."

Also, that was from like 2 months ago, when he was like "Hey, we shouldn't be friends anymore. I'm better than you because I will be famous." I don't talk shit about him. I almost never talk about him...Oh, wait. Actually, I said that we watched High School Musical together. Send me another email about how I am a terrible, pathetic person, you stupid fucking bitch.

PS: You spelled my name wrong, which just supports my claim that you are a stupid fucking bitch.
Leave me the fuck alone. You know nothing about me except the one-sided story that you got from your egotistical, immature brother.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

why i'm pissed right now :)

Yeah, so I basically am pissed off at everyone or thing in existence. There are VERY FEW exceptions at this particular moment in time.

Ok, so we can rule out everyone who doesn't actually know me or hasn't spoken to me in a while...but like the first statement there are exceptions to that rule as well. First off, I am pissed at Knox. I was really looking forward to rooming with someone I don't hate. Molly is going to be an RA with is fine, because she will have a single. Maddi is going to be abroad and therefore I will not be able to live with her. Knox has decided to just randomly place these people when they return. I am going to fill out a roommate form, and I am going to avoid living with someone that a) doesn't speak english (well or at all) and b) a first year. I REFUSE to live with a first year. I'm going to be a fucking senior and if they put a fist year with me I will be so incredibly pissed off, I will transfer. I'm not joking. Knox has also decided to offer about 1/3 of the classes I ever need therefore causing me to live with these fucking retarded fucking first years forEVER.

Second, Ginny brought up my parents' divorce. This only made me incredibly pissed at my parents, John, and indirectly Ed. John is the reason why I have to see her in the first place. He ruined my life. Why the FUCK would I want to think about him. And he had facial hair. Which just made me generalize that all people with facial hair are complete assholes. Which brings me to think about Ed. He tried to have sex with me. I don't really appreciate that unless I give the go ahead. I didn't. Therefore he can burn in hell for all eternity. Along the lines of facial hair, Tim didn't respond to an email in a very friendly way. That made me upset. However, through my anger I am able to spend 70 minutes which should be used for Statistics learning to fantasize about him throwing me up against a bathroom stall in the SMC bio wing and being fucked until we are both too exhausted to fuck anymore. This is a problem. I shouldn't have these thoughts about someone who is not only twice my age, but also happily married and a father of two young boys. And why shouldn't I just tell Ginny and ask her what to do about it? Why, because she is married to him. GOD DAMN IT. I really feel like he would be dominating and it turns me on a great deal. Oh shit, is it bad.

Third, Erin should be punched in the face until her fucking pearly white teeth are either lying on the floor in a pool of blood or have fallen out and choked her to death. I hate this woman. She makes me feel like an incompetent 4 year old. "Did the dog really go potty?" Yes Erin, I just fucking told you that. And it's not potty after you past age five mentally...it's pee/urinate/piss. And why can't you just believe me? WHY THE FUCK would I fucking lie about something like that? Just so someone else has to clean the pee off the floor? Yes, Erin. That is why I do it. So hopefully you will step in it with your fucking camo crocs, fall, and hit your fucking head off the cement and DIE. Jesus fucking Christ. And do not tell me I am useless. You fucking whore. I am not useless. If you feel that way and plan to say things about it, do not tell me to my face. You have hurt me more than almost anyone in this world (see above paragraphs). You made me cry in a public place where anyone could and did see me. I hate you for that. I would be so happy if I could just walk up to you and say "I FUCKING hate you, you hurtful, insensitive, psychotic bitch!"

Fourth, Robbie might be coming to Knox this weekend. Oh good. Right when I stopped thinking about him and all, he's gonna be on campus. And now Seth is pissed, but won't say anything about it to us. But seriously, Robbie made an effort to end our friendship. I was ok with letting it go on its own. Pretend everything was normal, but we would fade apart...NO. He was like "we can't be friends anymore." Seth, you will not see me because I am not allowed to be around this person. I will do something bad. He is an initiator. He fucks up my life. He causes me to get drunk. Which in turn causes me to hurt myself beyond anything that anyone here knows about. It goes so much further than overdrinking and crying in a bathroom...Trust me you don't even want to know what happens in there. And no, it is not what you might be thinking. It is worse. And then I don't even regret it the next day. What I regret is that I didn't have enough will power to stop myself from accepting that first shot. The second, third, and so on until I am too drunk to count. My life is miserable when people like Robbie don't care enough to stop me. Say that "it's not my responsibility to control your actions." But as a friend you would realize that it is not good for me to partake in this behavior and you would stop me. Robbie doesn't do this. He also told me that I will become nothing if I am not famous. Well, whatever. If someone is at my funeral and sad, I have not been worthless. Seth, stop being mad at me for being upset that he will be here. It is the last weekend of term, and I don't want things to be shitty.

Fifth, I am still having visions of Tim fucking me. Oh dear god, make it stop. Please. I will not be able to handle class on Friday...

I think that is all for now. I did not write about my roommate because I don't want this post to be a novel. I wanted it to be a short entry of why I am pissed at this moment. And I didn't think about her really, until just now as I was ending it. Totally.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Sorry to Offend, I'm angry...

For the record, this is not directed at Seth. He has chosen the right path in life, and therefore may live.

Sometimes I don't understand why people are created...Honestly, if we buy into this whole evolution theory, which I do, it doesn't really make any sense. For starters, if we believe that we are put on earth to survive and reproduce, the general purpose that evolution strives for, then gay people should probably die out. Especially the ones who make it impossible for other people to survive. Say there is a gay man who treats a straight woman like a piece of shit, there is no way for her to find someone to reproduce with and she will probably be so upset that she will no longer want to survive. Some will say that people born with low levels of dopamine and serotonin are just nature's way of saying "you are not worthy of living." Well, that may be.

A lesbian is able to reproduce and keep the lineage going, therefore, lesbians are ok. I have no qualms with them. And if a gay man is going to give his seed to procreate, then he can stay. But if he is going to get his partner to do it, then...hmm no. That is stupid.

Anyway, I have to go to dinner now. Stay healthy so I may one day reproduce...Yeah. WOO FOR EVOLUTION!!!

Saturday, January 20, 2007

how many times can i say fuck in one sentence

So I guess it's been awhile.

I am still not happy. I hope people who actually know me don't read this.

The only way I can take care of my intense pain is to cause physical pain to myself. Yeah it helps, until I have to look at the little marks on my body that tell me what I just did. I am apparently very good at keeping up a front because no one here has said anything to me. BUT, I don't know if its because they really don't know, or if they know I don't like to talk about it. I don't want to cry in front of any more of my friends unless it is well worth it. And this is not.

One of my friends just joined a sorority. And although I'm really happy for her, I can't help but feel that I won't be spending as much time with her any more, and she'll just drift away like almost everyone else.

And now the fucking people next fucking door are fucking playing loud as fuck music that I don't want to fucking hear. But I have no fucking choice because there is fucking nothing I can fucking do about it. They will probably fucking play it until fucking 2 in the fucking morning. And by that fucking time, I will have probably fucking killed myself cause I can't fucking handle this anymore. The fuckers on the other side of my room have stolen a fucking couch and have fucking threatened to fucking harm people if they tell the housing people. I think I will just fucking do it, since I could care fucking less if they do it.

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED AND FRUSTRATED THAT I AM PROBABLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING I WILL REGRET!!!!!!!!!!

And, I invited Molly to my house for Spring Break, so she can save money and so I won't have to drive back by myself, mainly cause I am afraid to. However, I kinda just want to chill in Conneautville. I need to be with someone who doesn't remind me about how much I hate Knox. But I will be ok with her coming, because she understands, and it will be fine.