Sunday, December 03, 2006

I like to watch candles burn

Thought I would update since it's been awhile. I've was deathly ill for a couple weeks, still have a sore throat, but I'm able to function again.

However, I have been feeling really down and unsocial lately. I don't really want to do anything, but do somethings, because I feel like I have to do something before I go crazier and kill someone or something. I don't think there is anyone out there who really knows how unhappy I really am or, in other words, what things make me the way I am. It's kinda sad that I am unable to open up enough to anyone to let them help me. I don't trust people. I think that I do, and then something little happens, and it makes me lose it completely. Well, maybe not completely, but it makes me more hesitant to say anything.

Sure, people know that I'm depressed. I sometimes wish I was dead, some even know what I do to relieve the emotional pain. But no one knows the things that need to change for me to be happy. It's more than a "simple" change in seratonin or dopamine levels in my brain. There are things outside things that need to change, but I don't have the power to fix them. Well, ok, maybe I have the power, but I don't really know how to find the power. And people telling me that I should see a doctor doesn't help. He won't do anything but make it worse. He'll just tell me that I should find a boyfriend and all will be right with the world again. Fuck him. I don't need that. I don't want put on pills that fix the problem now, and when I go off them, go completely nuts and turn psychotic for a couple weeks through the withdrawl process.

Anyways, I think I will be ok, as long as everyone just keeps on doing what they do: listen
don't refer me to a doctor
don't treat me differently because i'm unhappy
don't push me to get me to talk
just listen

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