Saturday, December 16, 2006

Honesty is the Best Policy

Hey there all. I've probably lost some friends over last term/break...although I don't think it was any fault of mine. Sorry that I didn't pick up the phone to call you everyday to do things...but (and this might sound harsh) why should I have to be the one to makes the plans? You guys have a phone and my number, so the responsibility is not all mine. Don't get me wrong, I like people, not necessarily love (because that's a strong word), but like them. But I can't be in charge of everything. And my break didn't go the way everyone assumed it would...it went nothing like that.

I spent most of my days crocheting scarves and pot holders in my bedroom. Some evenings I went into Conneautville and hung out with Ruth. Sometimes while there, I went to the bar and sat around drinking Dr. Pepper watching people play pool. Other evenings I went to Perkins with Aaryn & Doug because they called and asked me to. On Saturday nights I took Ruth to AA meetings and occasionally I stayed there because she asked me to. I enjoy it, she's bored, I'm bored...you do the math. Most nights I was home before 11 and sat in my bedroom watching Jurassic Park until I fell asleep.

Hmmm...I don't see anything in there about what some people assumed I would do.

Also, I thought about how much I don't really want to go back to Knox, but on the other hand, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to go back to a place where I don't enjoy my classes, I'll have to work 7 hours a week doing shit I don't really want to do (which might not seem like a lot, but 7 hours on top of Knox coursework is a lot), Robbie won't be there (makes me cry to think about it), I'll have to find some time to work out, and frat parties are only fun when I am slightly to very intoxicated. I don't think I want to drink anymore, for reals this time. Staying home has made me realize how much I want to be on my own. I don't like being in my house; it's boring in da Valley...seriously. I feel uncomfortable around some of my friends here because all they can talk about is NA. And BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!!! However, I'm lonely here. Well, I'm lonely at Knox, but there is more to distract me there.

I am not happy. I can't stop taking out my emotional pain on myself physically. I have broken down in front of people I never thought I would. Sharing things I didn't think I would tell anyone aside from Ginny or some other doctor. I am terrified to get a job because at my last one, I had anxiety attacks every day because there were too many people around me.

Oh well, I'm too tired to go on. I would say I'm sorry if I was too harshly honest...but I'm not. I feel it needed to be said, so I said it.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I like to watch candles burn

Thought I would update since it's been awhile. I've was deathly ill for a couple weeks, still have a sore throat, but I'm able to function again.

However, I have been feeling really down and unsocial lately. I don't really want to do anything, but do somethings, because I feel like I have to do something before I go crazier and kill someone or something. I don't think there is anyone out there who really knows how unhappy I really am or, in other words, what things make me the way I am. It's kinda sad that I am unable to open up enough to anyone to let them help me. I don't trust people. I think that I do, and then something little happens, and it makes me lose it completely. Well, maybe not completely, but it makes me more hesitant to say anything.

Sure, people know that I'm depressed. I sometimes wish I was dead, some even know what I do to relieve the emotional pain. But no one knows the things that need to change for me to be happy. It's more than a "simple" change in seratonin or dopamine levels in my brain. There are things outside things that need to change, but I don't have the power to fix them. Well, ok, maybe I have the power, but I don't really know how to find the power. And people telling me that I should see a doctor doesn't help. He won't do anything but make it worse. He'll just tell me that I should find a boyfriend and all will be right with the world again. Fuck him. I don't need that. I don't want put on pills that fix the problem now, and when I go off them, go completely nuts and turn psychotic for a couple weeks through the withdrawl process.

Anyways, I think I will be ok, as long as everyone just keeps on doing what they do: listen
don't refer me to a doctor
don't treat me differently because i'm unhappy
don't push me to get me to talk
just listen