Friday, October 27, 2006

Woah, It's 3 am!

So, it's been like 2 weeks since my last entry...clearly I have an awesomely boring life. So anywho...this has seriously been the week from hell. No joke. Let's start on Sunday: I woke up at 1 pm. I fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 am on Wednesday (or Thursday, depends on how you look at it). Yeah, not even fucking with you. Sunday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm. Monday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm, and some random important talking with Robbie & Seth. Tuesday night I had class til 10 and then I sat with Robbie playing Apples to Apples until about 4 am, when I studied for my biology final. Wednesday morning, I took my biology midterm, and by took I mean answered about 60% of the questions, cause that was all I knew. There was so much goddamned information, it was fucking ridiculous. I spent that night being depressed because I failed my biology midterm...I don't even need to see it. Finally, I passed the fuck out, and woke up at noon today. Only to do calculus homework. I skipped lunch, mainly because I had no time, and partially for some other reason (coming later in the entry). Then, after calculus, I played a little Zoo Tycoon, and sat around doing fucking nothing until 430 when I went to eat with Robbie. We left to take a nap before class, but I was too sad and didn't want to lie next to him anymore so I lay on the floor crying for 45 minutes. Then we went to drawing, which I hate, but he found out today that I am a science major, and so he's going to be more lienient, because science is about logic, and art isn't. And he was like "oh...that's why" So yeah. I might pass after all. Probably not, but I can keep hoping. A can of worms was opened, but as I am good at avoiding talking about my real feelings, we didn't really talk until 10 minutes before he went to bed. It took all my strength to not cry when I talked to him, but whatever, I haven't...YET.

Ok, new paragraph. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to eat anymore. Yeah. Eating only makes you gain weight...and I'm sick of doing that. A part of me wants to be anorexic...but people would laugh if I told them that I was, because no one would believe someone like me has an eating disorder. At least, not now. I think I might skip dinner tomorrow. The pain of being around people is just too much lately. I don't really want to do it anymore. But of course I have to fake a smile and pretend that all is right with the world, or everyone and his brother will be fucking asking me what's wrong and if i'm ok. And I really don't like being asked if i'm ok. Because I will lie to them, and then I feel bad for lying, but I don't ever want to tell the truth.

Is it bad to wonder if anyone will come to your funeral if you kill yourself? Will everyone be so pissed at you for taking the coward's way out, that they will disregard that you were hurting so badly? Will they never think of you again, because it will hurt them too much to remember things about you? Will I become one of those souls who sits around in heaven or space or whereever the fuck it is, wondering why no one on earth mentions me because everyone has forgotten me?

Those are the things I think about these days...I know, I'm an emo fuck, but I'm allowed to be.

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