Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Jealous as Fuck, That's Me

So, I'm going to pretend I'm having the best time of my life in the hopes that I can convince myself that I really am happy. If it worked for others in the past, then why shouldn't it work for me.

I was thinking about how I have been a really bad friend to people...like Norma. And how I used to spend a lot of time with her, but just stopped...I feel like I shouldn't have just stopped. But I don't know how to fix it, so I just won't try.

Also, I wish I could help my friends...but I don't think they feel like I would listen to them because I have so much other shit going on. But, if they tell me, I won't think about what's going wrong in my life. I enjoy trying to help people. I do try...really hard. I'm assuming sometimes they don't think that, but I do.

I am doing everything in my power to make things right. I researched the mental facility at MMC. I plan on getting back on my pills. And I realize that I have to actively take part in my recovery. But when your mother calls and is just like "oh, remember how your aunt was gonna have surgery? oh, i didn't tell you...she had breast cancer last week. its gone now." I don't know how to look past that bad for something good. I mean, yeah she's over it, she's good now. She's awesome. But this is another sign that I might get cancer...And as low as I get somedays, wanting to be dead, I don't want to get cancer. I wouldn't know how to tell my friends. So I don't think I would.

I'm incredibly jealous of Robbie. He's going to follow his "wants." He's going to go off and do what he wants to do for the rest of his life. He gets to live at home away from all of the college drama crap that goes on. And if he's with us, and something happens, he can get in his car and drive home. And he gets so excited about seeing Lila and being able to take a class with his sister. This is so foreign to me...Mainly because I have no siblings, but mostly because my family doesn't even support me. They don't even keep it behind my back, like his does. They blatantly tell me that I won't get a job. They laugh when I say I want to go to grad school. My major is useless. My favorite times are when they go "So, what're you changing your major to now? Transferring again yet?" I could NEVER tell them that I don't really believe in God; I want to be Buddhist or Pagan. I don't know, something that doesn't involve living a boring life because everything I do is a fucking sin.

I get so much crap for just dying my hair, or getting a peircing, how are they going to react when they find out I have a tattoo? How would they react to me saying I am an alcoholic...who tried stopping for 2 months, but couldn't do it, because it was just too much fun to be drunk? I can't even imagine telling them that I want them to stop making fun of me, because sometimes they go so far, that I cry myself to sleep. Or how about telling that I'm gay? I'm not, but one of them actually threatened to beat up Robbie when he visited because he was gay...wtf? I don't feel like I should have to physically, as well as verbally, defend one of my best friends from my family.

I want to be a math professor. Or I want to dig up dinosaur fossils. Neither will ever happen. I don't have support from people, not even some of my friends.

I realize most of my blogs focus on Robbie lately. But honestly, its just that I want to do what he's doing.

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