Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Jealous as Fuck, That's Me

So, I'm going to pretend I'm having the best time of my life in the hopes that I can convince myself that I really am happy. If it worked for others in the past, then why shouldn't it work for me.

I was thinking about how I have been a really bad friend to people...like Norma. And how I used to spend a lot of time with her, but just stopped...I feel like I shouldn't have just stopped. But I don't know how to fix it, so I just won't try.

Also, I wish I could help my friends...but I don't think they feel like I would listen to them because I have so much other shit going on. But, if they tell me, I won't think about what's going wrong in my life. I enjoy trying to help people. I do try...really hard. I'm assuming sometimes they don't think that, but I do.

I am doing everything in my power to make things right. I researched the mental facility at MMC. I plan on getting back on my pills. And I realize that I have to actively take part in my recovery. But when your mother calls and is just like "oh, remember how your aunt was gonna have surgery? oh, i didn't tell you...she had breast cancer last week. its gone now." I don't know how to look past that bad for something good. I mean, yeah she's over it, she's good now. She's awesome. But this is another sign that I might get cancer...And as low as I get somedays, wanting to be dead, I don't want to get cancer. I wouldn't know how to tell my friends. So I don't think I would.

I'm incredibly jealous of Robbie. He's going to follow his "wants." He's going to go off and do what he wants to do for the rest of his life. He gets to live at home away from all of the college drama crap that goes on. And if he's with us, and something happens, he can get in his car and drive home. And he gets so excited about seeing Lila and being able to take a class with his sister. This is so foreign to me...Mainly because I have no siblings, but mostly because my family doesn't even support me. They don't even keep it behind my back, like his does. They blatantly tell me that I won't get a job. They laugh when I say I want to go to grad school. My major is useless. My favorite times are when they go "So, what're you changing your major to now? Transferring again yet?" I could NEVER tell them that I don't really believe in God; I want to be Buddhist or Pagan. I don't know, something that doesn't involve living a boring life because everything I do is a fucking sin.

I get so much crap for just dying my hair, or getting a peircing, how are they going to react when they find out I have a tattoo? How would they react to me saying I am an alcoholic...who tried stopping for 2 months, but couldn't do it, because it was just too much fun to be drunk? I can't even imagine telling them that I want them to stop making fun of me, because sometimes they go so far, that I cry myself to sleep. Or how about telling that I'm gay? I'm not, but one of them actually threatened to beat up Robbie when he visited because he was gay...wtf? I don't feel like I should have to physically, as well as verbally, defend one of my best friends from my family.

I want to be a math professor. Or I want to dig up dinosaur fossils. Neither will ever happen. I don't have support from people, not even some of my friends.

I realize most of my blogs focus on Robbie lately. But honestly, its just that I want to do what he's doing.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Crying...

I'm really sick of hearing the countdown until Robbie transfers. I couldn't even enjoy TKE tonight, because he kept telling people he was leaving. I feel like I will be losing my best friend, because even though he doesn't think it, I know we will drift. It always happens. Also, even though people are mad at Aaryn, I want to be her friend still. But I feel uncomfortable around people who don't like her because I still like her. I enjoy doing things with her. I want to be her friend.

I'm sick of crying. I wish I could just stop being chicken shit and talk to Robbie. You know, actually say something when he asks what's wrong, instead of staring at my shoe trying not to cry. I don't even want to lie either...but everytime, out of habit, I say that I'm fine. Everything's ok. He's not retarded, he can clearly see that I'm lying. A blind person could tell. I want to just say "Hey, I want to talk to you. And I'm going to do everything in my power to actually answer your questions." But I'm too afraid to. So if you read this, you should say something to me. Cause unless prompted by you, I will just keep everything I want to say to you about my comment about you transferring (you know, from drawing) bottled up.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Woah, It's 3 am!

So, it's been like 2 weeks since my last entry...clearly I have an awesomely boring life. So anywho...this has seriously been the week from hell. No joke. Let's start on Sunday: I woke up at 1 pm. I fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 am on Wednesday (or Thursday, depends on how you look at it). Yeah, not even fucking with you. Sunday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm. Monday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm, and some random important talking with Robbie & Seth. Tuesday night I had class til 10 and then I sat with Robbie playing Apples to Apples until about 4 am, when I studied for my biology final. Wednesday morning, I took my biology midterm, and by took I mean answered about 60% of the questions, cause that was all I knew. There was so much goddamned information, it was fucking ridiculous. I spent that night being depressed because I failed my biology midterm...I don't even need to see it. Finally, I passed the fuck out, and woke up at noon today. Only to do calculus homework. I skipped lunch, mainly because I had no time, and partially for some other reason (coming later in the entry). Then, after calculus, I played a little Zoo Tycoon, and sat around doing fucking nothing until 430 when I went to eat with Robbie. We left to take a nap before class, but I was too sad and didn't want to lie next to him anymore so I lay on the floor crying for 45 minutes. Then we went to drawing, which I hate, but he found out today that I am a science major, and so he's going to be more lienient, because science is about logic, and art isn't. And he was like "oh...that's why" So yeah. I might pass after all. Probably not, but I can keep hoping. A can of worms was opened, but as I am good at avoiding talking about my real feelings, we didn't really talk until 10 minutes before he went to bed. It took all my strength to not cry when I talked to him, but whatever, I haven't...YET.

Ok, new paragraph. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to eat anymore. Yeah. Eating only makes you gain weight...and I'm sick of doing that. A part of me wants to be anorexic...but people would laugh if I told them that I was, because no one would believe someone like me has an eating disorder. At least, not now. I think I might skip dinner tomorrow. The pain of being around people is just too much lately. I don't really want to do it anymore. But of course I have to fake a smile and pretend that all is right with the world, or everyone and his brother will be fucking asking me what's wrong and if i'm ok. And I really don't like being asked if i'm ok. Because I will lie to them, and then I feel bad for lying, but I don't ever want to tell the truth.

Is it bad to wonder if anyone will come to your funeral if you kill yourself? Will everyone be so pissed at you for taking the coward's way out, that they will disregard that you were hurting so badly? Will they never think of you again, because it will hurt them too much to remember things about you? Will I become one of those souls who sits around in heaven or space or whereever the fuck it is, wondering why no one on earth mentions me because everyone has forgotten me?

Those are the things I think about these days...I know, I'm an emo fuck, but I'm allowed to be.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday the 13th

Ok, so fuck Friday the 13th. From getting a roommate 3 months early to being, oh I don't know, alive...it has just been an all around horrible day. Oh did I mention some guy at the store offered me money, lots and lots of money, to have sex with him? Yeah, it happened...I had a tiny little breakdown in the parking lot after I left the building. And as much as I could use the money, and as much as I want to be fucked...NO.


Hmm, let's see. I hate everything. Also, I broke down and destroyed my bic so I could cut myself. Nothing serious, don't worry.

Robbie and I are doing the whole "honesty" thing. I tell him the truth about how I'm feeling, he accepts it. No more being pissed at each other for no reason, hopefuly. As long as he doesn't give up on me. Which he really shouldn't, cause the tarot cards said we were compatible as friends. I kinda like tarot cards. They told me that suicide would cause "chaos and debauchery." So, I guess I won't do it. Yeah.

Peace out. And next friday the 13th, I will get a doctor's excuse from school and lie in bed.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Meet Sally

Um, let's see. I have this friend, we'll call her Sally. Sally wants to kill herself. But Sally has a friend, we'll call her Rita. Rita said that if Sally were to kill herself, everyone would be really sad and pissed and they would all miss her a lot. And even though Sally believes some of this, she can't bring it upon herself to believe that "everyone" will miss her. There are some people who act like they could care less if Sally were dead; she thinks that no one in this world cares about her. Another friend, Rick, told her she should just believe that there are people who care about her and that she needs to learn to care about herself. Sally has no idea how to do this. Sally has no idea how she will make it through the next couple years of college because she hates it. She isn't doing too well in the majority of her classes. Things keep going wrong. Rick also told her to stop focusing on the negative, but when she looks around she doesn't see anything positive. Her mother might get a better job, and this would mean free tickets to Disney every year...ok, there's a positive. Sally could take Rita and her daughter there and they could have fun...But that is only a maybe, not a definite happy.

Also, Rick has announced he doesn't really want to be friends with Sally anymore. Sally doesn't know why, but she knows she must've fucked up this friendship somehow...She always does.

She turns to alcohol a lot more than she should to seek "therapy." Since it makes her fall asleep, she likes it. "You can't get hurt when you're sleeping," she always says. Sally likes to cut herself with a Bic razor she tore apart. She told me that seeing the blood makes her feel calmer and more in control of her life. She has carved words into her thighs, or just made designs. She has no self confidence, she thinks she is fat and gross and will never find anyone to love her. This is why Sally thinks there is no reason to live. Sally likes to tell me that she will never kill herself because she is too scared, that cutting is as far as it will go...but something in my head tells me that she's lying.

I don't know how to help Sally. Any suggestions are welcome. She can't see a doctor because she has no medical insurance and she has no money.