Thursday, September 07, 2006

bring it on

I have to get up in 7 hours for a class. I don't want to. I'm sick of school already, and it's been two days. They changed everything around in the cafeteria and I'm living in a really hellish part of campus. I know that there are worse places, but still, I can't help but think that the last time I withdrew from a school should've been the last time I was in school. I feel like such a lame ass because I don't want to be around my friends here or do anything fun. I just want to be in PA doing nothing. Ruth said I had to stay in school or she would come kick my ass.

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!

She also thinks I'm going to starve myself here. Well, I know I have problems in that department because sometimes I avoid eating or stop before I'm full because...well I hate eating. I'm sure the pringles in my tummy would disagree at this point. But I have 2 extremes when I'm depressed: i eat junk food and i don't eat shit. Right now I am in the "give me food before i die" stage.

I miss her. I have garfield on my computer desk so I can look at him all the time even though it's just depressing. November 19th can not come soon enough.

So I was thinking about the things I say and how I lie a lot. Like A LOT. For example, I don't often tell people when I'm mad at them. I'll just shrug it off like it doesn't bother me and then complain about it to someone/thing else. Which is really unhealthy for me, I know. And more than lying, I can keep a secret like nothing else, especially if it is about me. And yes, I know some people read this and know who I am, but I'm going to share some of them with you now (if you aren't one of the ones privileged enough to know already :p) I don't know how to tell the people I like how sick I really am, so I guess I hope they stumble upon this...I think.

1) When I get really depressed and I'm crying, the only thing that calms me down is doing physical harm to myself. But I will never committ suicide.

2) I can't lie about loving someone. If I don't love you, you will never hear me say it. And redundantly, if I love you, I will tell you. No matter the context or blood alcohol level (haha) I will never lie about that.

3) This one is gonna turn some heads and some "friends" will never speak to me again, but if you are that assholeish, then I don't need you. I am an alcoholic.

1 comment:

garfieldisdaman said...

Okey dokey I've read a few entries and i'm gonna have to come kick your ass!!! LOL anyways yeah u gotta stay in school how else u gonna pay me the 500 bucks a month rent when u have a phd. behind your name??? And like i said before if u think u got a problem with drinking then u do NO ONE can tell u different. F**k em if they don't like it!!!!! Love ya bunches