Friday, September 29, 2006

peace out homes!

so, if any of you are like "where's stef? why can't i talk to her this weekend...at all??" i'll tell you why.

i am in a sort of therapy this weekend. From tonight (Fri.) until Monday morning. Talk to everyone on Monday!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

hmm...yay?

hey there guys and dolls, its time for another installment of what's happenin' with stef...

1) Robbie is mad at me for some reason...barely even looks at me.
2) I broke a rule...a very big rule. And i'm probably gonna pay for it later.
3) I spent $48 tonight on one thing. A very special thing. His name is Jason. He is like...alive. Yeah.
4) My calculus teacher thinks I am not good enough to be in his class. Ok. fine with me...less shit i have to go through.

anyways, that's about it. catch you on the flip side bitchez?!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Friends?

If there's anyone out there who wants to be my friend, I'm willing to get some new ones. Preferably ones that will stick around for a little while. And ones that don't care that I am cyclothymic. Really, not wanting to be friends with someone because of a mental disorder is like not liking someone because they are a dirty mexican...lol. just kidding, i don't really think all of them are dirty.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I feel like I have no friends here.

The three of them seem to have their own little world going on now, and I don't fit in anymore. I don't know if it's because I told Robbie about what I do/have done. I don't know if someone said something to him about something. I don't know if he is just really upset, too. I don't understand. But I want things to be back to normal. They never will be because I'm so goddamned pessimistic. I don't know if it's because of the cup incident or the lesbian comment. I don't get it, and I don't know how to just bring it up.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I am not a fucking lesbian. So quit fucking telling me that I am. I don't care if you're joking or whatever. Don't fucking say it. I have no problems with them, I just don't want to be called one when I'm not one. SO FUCKING STOP.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Friday, September 15, 2006

PIRATES!!

I am watching porn.
I plan on...um, how shall i put this...helping out my sex life once i acquire $45. but its totally gonna be worth it. no seriously, i would rather be poor but HAPPY, then have lots of money.

PS: the porn is called Pirates, hence the title of my blog.

Eeew, Mold!

I am having a terrible reaction to mold spores in either my fridge (which I can do nothing about considering the financial situation I am in) or in this suite...And my tattoo itches like crazy.

I am having a terrible reaction to the amount of time left in term as compared to the amount of meals I have left...I seem to be 17 short. Which means...I don't know what. I guess I eat Easy Mac for 17 meals. Or be pathetic enough for someone to buy me Chinese food.

Aside from that, I am having a good week (considering it is almost over!) only one more class to go, and it's going to be a good one, because...well because I'm supposed to think that way. I don't really believe it, but maybe I can convince myself that it'll go by fast.

Molly bought me a really cute-as-hell poster that I will be putting up soon.

And Ruth, you could try to kick my ass, but you'd lose. (ha, no...you wouldn't, I'm a weakling)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

time is relative...and i hate relatives

ok, working on the optimism thing.
i have been able to do some homework in calculus, at least 90% the last couple days; however i feel it is because my actual teacher has been out for medical reasons. i dread his return. BUT, i am following the therapist's suggestion of trying to think positively about the class before actually going.

my drawing teacher made fun of my chair the other day, but then told me i was getting better. then someone else in the class complimented my picture. i was really happy. maybe i am not as bad as i thought....no i am, i just got lucky on that one.

also, i find the time passes much more quickly when i devote my spare time to useful things. or i try to look at things coming up...for example the TKE party on saturday or gilmore girls season 6 coming out next tuesday. these events are like milestones in the term. and when they finally get here, i am that many days closer to being home. and today, i went to a time management workshop for an hour instead of playing video games. doing homework and stuff like that make the term go faster. with deadlines, time goes faster. however sitting around waiting for november to come sucks.

and, one last thought for today. i am contemplating my next tattoo. i really want a lizardy gecko type thing, but rae tells me that it is not original enough. well, i beg to differ, and when she gets a picture of the following lizard on my ass, she will agree with me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

short, sweet, to the point

I do not feel good.
I miss Ruth.
I hate calculus.
I have drawing tonight...literally night. (7-10pm)
It's cold here.
I am almost out of money.

Monday, September 11, 2006

I am ANGRY

Ok, so I was trying to be more optimistic about this term.

That is shot. Someone stole my bookbag from the C-Store. Luckily, I had my keys in my pocket. Not so luckily, my cell phone was in it. I can't even call anyone. So now I have to sit here, not doing homework, because oh, I CAN'T, waiting for the lady to email me saying the bitch brought it back.

How fucking stupid do you have to be to pick up a bookbag twice yours's size that is a different color? FUCKING STUPID FRESHMAN. I HATE THEM. THEY ARE RUINING MY LIFE.

And I think I just heard the people next door have an orgasm. Excellent. Now I feel even more like shit because if uglier than me people are having sex, then there is nothing left for me in this world.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

When the Laundry Spills, Mom Will Yell

I hate when life screws over the people that don't deserve it.
And I don't mean me, because that's been happening for the last 8-9 years, and I'm used to it. Sometimes it doesn't even bother me when bad shit happens to me; it doesn't phase me. I just look at it like another shirt in the laundry pile, if you will. Eventually, the pile will get too big for the basket and things will start to spill out. And if you are lucky enough to be able to squish more and more clothes into the basket, the basket will eventually break, spilling everything out onto the floor. And your mother will yell. This awkward (yet ingenious) metaphor is my life.

But like I said, this is not about me. I am done crying for myself this evening. Friend from before is kinda like a cartoon character who walks around with a rain cloud over her, and a gentle rain constantly falls. And although everyone enjoys a good, refreshing drizzle, intense downpours aren't really that great. Unfortunately, that's what she keeps getting. And I have to say, I think it's time for some sun.

Two of her friends have "abandoned" her, in a sense. One will return soon, but not soon enough, and the other probably won't. I know the feeling and I don't like it. Her significant other is a dick, and quite frankly if he were to get the death penalty, I would pay to be there. And now, I read that she didn't even get a chance to get her license. But worse than that, I don't ever want to hear about my friends being in emotional stress. And when I read that she too "can cry in front of a friend" and did, I get upset. I know how embarrassing it can be to lose control of that sort of thing. I'm usually good at not doing it, but sometimes it's just impossible to control it.

This part is where it gets weird and a little less poetic. No metaphors or creative writing. And feel free to skip right on to the non-brightly colored text.
About 9 years ago, I lost all faith in a higher power, ie God. I couldn't understand why He would make my parents hate each other and not want to live with me at the same time. I couldn't understand why it took Him a year before He made the truth hit me. Why would someone who loved us as his children make one of them so sad that she tried to O.D. on pills and then tried to slit her wrists, or gather enough courage to drive into a tree or jump off a bridge? Why would He want his daughter to end her life? But more importantly, why would he create someone like John Allen, who did nothing but fuck everything up even more. I prayed all the time for God to make me happy again. But alas, this didn't happen. And for several years, I was uncertain of whether there was a God or not. And then, when I found comfort in causing physical harm to myself and emotional harm to others, I decided that God did not exist. Everyone talks of his love, and I wasn't getting any...therefore he didn't care about me and I didn't need to believe in him anymore. Now, about a year or so ago, I was in another situation, where I ran out of options and I prayed. I made it through alive (and i'm not just saying that as a figure of speech), no alcohol poisoning or car "accidents." I'm fine. Does this mean there is a God, or was I just lucky? I honestly don't know.

Since I am still in the "Is there a God or isn't there?" conflict, I decided that praying wouldn't hurt. Just in case, you know. So, about half an hour ago, I sat on my little dorm bed and prayed that my friend would be happy. And if He could give her a sign that things would get better, that would be splendid. I did it not so I would feel like I did something, I did it because I love her, and I really want her to be happy. She deserves it more than anyone I know, especially more than me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

bring it on

I have to get up in 7 hours for a class. I don't want to. I'm sick of school already, and it's been two days. They changed everything around in the cafeteria and I'm living in a really hellish part of campus. I know that there are worse places, but still, I can't help but think that the last time I withdrew from a school should've been the last time I was in school. I feel like such a lame ass because I don't want to be around my friends here or do anything fun. I just want to be in PA doing nothing. Ruth said I had to stay in school or she would come kick my ass.

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!

She also thinks I'm going to starve myself here. Well, I know I have problems in that department because sometimes I avoid eating or stop before I'm full because...well I hate eating. I'm sure the pringles in my tummy would disagree at this point. But I have 2 extremes when I'm depressed: i eat junk food and i don't eat shit. Right now I am in the "give me food before i die" stage.

I miss her. I have garfield on my computer desk so I can look at him all the time even though it's just depressing. November 19th can not come soon enough.

So I was thinking about the things I say and how I lie a lot. Like A LOT. For example, I don't often tell people when I'm mad at them. I'll just shrug it off like it doesn't bother me and then complain about it to someone/thing else. Which is really unhealthy for me, I know. And more than lying, I can keep a secret like nothing else, especially if it is about me. And yes, I know some people read this and know who I am, but I'm going to share some of them with you now (if you aren't one of the ones privileged enough to know already :p) I don't know how to tell the people I like how sick I really am, so I guess I hope they stumble upon this...I think.

1) When I get really depressed and I'm crying, the only thing that calms me down is doing physical harm to myself. But I will never committ suicide.

2) I can't lie about loving someone. If I don't love you, you will never hear me say it. And redundantly, if I love you, I will tell you. No matter the context or blood alcohol level (haha) I will never lie about that.

3) This one is gonna turn some heads and some "friends" will never speak to me again, but if you are that assholeish, then I don't need you. I am an alcoholic.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

no witty title today

so yeah, here's a little update on what's been happenin the last couple days:
  • went and did something totally not like me...i got a fucking tattoo! that is so not me, but i don't really like the old me, so whatever
  • i went to an AA thing today. i really enjoy going. i haven't like introduced myself because the thought of standing up and talking in front of like 20ish people fucking creeps me out. i'd have an anxiety attack before i got through "I'm Stef." it would just be embarrassing to not get through it.
  • um...i haven't packed for college yet. i leave monday night, its like sunday morning, (1246 am, but still)
for the last few weeks i have had to watch someone i care about more than me deal with a very verbally abusive relationship. i know why she hasn't left and all, and its legitimate, but every time i hear it i get more upset than ever and then even more because i know there's nothing i can do about it. if there was anything i could do besides be there when he pisses her off and she wants to vent. i'm really torn about whether me leaving for 10 weeks is good or bad. on one hand, i won't have to hear it. but on the other, larger hand, i don't really want to not be there.

***I know that some people have a problem with the fact that i have depression, so those people should stop reading now.
i had a chat with a friend of mine recently about random shit, but as always, my brain was like "no, you must not have a good time." i started crying and was so embarrassed that i was happy that it was too dark outside to see me. naturally, a caring person would ask what was wrong, or if i was ok, and she did. well, considering my past with the truth, i lied. and considering she has brain cells, she knew it. well 45 minutes and a cruller later, i told her. and for the first time, i didn't feel like i was going to be cut off from communication or that she would tell everyone she knew. because it was late, i left without saying all that i should've, but i mean i have monday...ooh baby? no. that is like not enough time with all the shit i still have left to do. but if someone stands up and walks over to you, rips shit out of your hands to hug you and say that he/she loves you...i don't even know. cause this is strange to me.