Hmmm...I have to go "school shopping." This takes on a whole new meaning when it involves buying your books, and some notebooks...and that's it.
So the same thing that happens every august is happening again. School is about to start and Stef doesn't want to go back. However, each time is for a different reason. Through high school it was just the simple fact that i hated being around all the cliquey bitches and teachers that refused to respect my fear of being the center of attention. Then came college: The first year, I was just afraid of being away from home and change...The second time was because I was so depressed that I didn't sleep and sat awake all night contemplating ways to kill myself or make my body feel physical pain. Now, as the third year approaches, I have all new reasons.
I love school...ish. I like Knox in general, the teachers are awesome (especially Judy Thorn), I actually have friends (unlike the first 2 I attended), and I petted a fucking wild squirrel there once. However, it's like 600 miles away. And it's not that I will miss my family, because with the exception of my dad, I won't. They are mean to me. And with a roommate unlike Jessica who never slept in the room, Douglas and I will not be as close as I would like...Sometimes I just need a fake black penis in me, and having someone else in the room will just make it awkward.
- Mostly I don't want to go back because I made changes in my life this summer that I don't feel my Knox friends will respect. For example, I was high the other day and almost died, so I decided not to smoke ever again. And when I am drunk, I am more sensitive about what people say to me and usually end up in the bathroom crying, with a razor on my wrist. I don't really enjoy drinking anymore. Plus, if I really want to become Buddhist, I can't do those things anymore. Knox is a big drinking school, so it'll be awkward to join the sober student "club."
- Second, I always do this: I get a friend that I really enjoy being with and then I have to leave. Like I said before, Ruth is not vulgar. LOL. I don't feel like she's my friend because I have a license; I don't feel used. She doesn't just want to sit at Perkins, talk about nothing, and then make me pay for her coffee. **NOT EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS DOES THIS ALL THE TIME. I don't have many friends that I feel comfortable with hanging out one-on-one, so when I find one, I don't want to lose him/her. I fear that my going away for 8-10 weeks will make us drift apart a little and I really don't want that.
- Third, I have to take drawing. I can't draw, especially not naked people. I don't even feel comfortable with nakedness, so why would I want to take drawing? Fuck Knox for forcing liberal art shit on me.