Monday, August 28, 2006

School: Yay or Boo?

Ruth is not that vulgar.

Hmmm...I have to go "school shopping." This takes on a whole new meaning when it involves buying your books, and some notebooks...and that's it.

So the same thing that happens every august is happening again. School is about to start and Stef doesn't want to go back. However, each time is for a different reason. Through high school it was just the simple fact that i hated being around all the cliquey bitches and teachers that refused to respect my fear of being the center of attention. Then came college: The first year, I was just afraid of being away from home and change...The second time was because I was so depressed that I didn't sleep and sat awake all night contemplating ways to kill myself or make my body feel physical pain. Now, as the third year approaches, I have all new reasons.

I love school...ish. I like Knox in general, the teachers are awesome (especially Judy Thorn), I actually have friends (unlike the first 2 I attended), and I petted a fucking wild squirrel there once. However, it's like 600 miles away. And it's not that I will miss my family, because with the exception of my dad, I won't. They are mean to me. And with a roommate unlike Jessica who never slept in the room, Douglas and I will not be as close as I would like...Sometimes I just need a fake black penis in me, and having someone else in the room will just make it awkward.
  • Mostly I don't want to go back because I made changes in my life this summer that I don't feel my Knox friends will respect. For example, I was high the other day and almost died, so I decided not to smoke ever again. And when I am drunk, I am more sensitive about what people say to me and usually end up in the bathroom crying, with a razor on my wrist. I don't really enjoy drinking anymore. Plus, if I really want to become Buddhist, I can't do those things anymore. Knox is a big drinking school, so it'll be awkward to join the sober student "club."
  • Second, I always do this: I get a friend that I really enjoy being with and then I have to leave. Like I said before, Ruth is not vulgar. LOL. I don't feel like she's my friend because I have a license; I don't feel used. She doesn't just want to sit at Perkins, talk about nothing, and then make me pay for her coffee. **NOT EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS DOES THIS ALL THE TIME. I don't have many friends that I feel comfortable with hanging out one-on-one, so when I find one, I don't want to lose him/her. I fear that my going away for 8-10 weeks will make us drift apart a little and I really don't want that.
  • Third, I have to take drawing. I can't draw, especially not naked people. I don't even feel comfortable with nakedness, so why would I want to take drawing? Fuck Knox for forcing liberal art shit on me.
Anyways, I will have fast internet connected every single second of the day!!! I can chat with so many people, it'll be orgasmic. (I'm assuming, I don't think I've ever had one...)

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Days Inn Can Suck My Ass

I was "laid off" because they "were slowing down and don't need me anymore." Right...they were pissed cause I had a life outside of that bug infested shit hole and didn't want me there. Guess what guys, don't fucking need you. I'd rather prostitute myself to dirty mexicans with herpes than work for them. *My apologies to any Mexicans that read this.

  • I think I will finally break down and get a tattoo cause I have connections and can get one at a discounted price...and someone will be there with me to help me through the pain.
  • Here's a shocker, I am in the process of stealing music...lol, something new, right?
  • I am also eating some left over country club melt, no bacon from last night's visit to Perkins.
  • Robbie is visiting until tomorrow morning at 5 am. They are going to Pittsburgh, but I don't want to. I will probably get roped into going anyways. Oh wait, I may get a backbone and not go.
  • I think I am a drug dealer...Hey, money is money. Don't judge me.
Diet update: yeah...no. I have lost a total of 11 pounds since starting...however none of those were lost recently. i had to start drinking Dr. Pepper because my ulcer was flaring and its the only thing that calms it to the point where I can move. I am still gross and fat. And I still kinda count calories and avoid the "really bad for you" shit. But...you know, I don't login and record everything anymore.

Other: My depression has been relapsing like woah lately. It sucks, yeah, and I'm sorry to those people that it has been affecting. I can't help it. Tell welfare to kiss my ass and just give me my insurance so I can buy some more Effexor and Xanax and NOT kill myself.