Thursday, June 22, 2006

Presenting Pathetic Maria Baker

This is gonna be depressing. Just a warning. Well, most of it.. I'll colorize it, so you know which to read. Red is :( other is :).

I'm starting to really hate everything about my life again. All I can do is sit around my house and watch tv because I've applied so many places and haven't had one job offer. All my other friends work and are therefore too tired to do anything at night. I wouldn't be that upset about it, except my dad has to pay for everything for me. And he doesn't make that much money at all. We're going on vacation and I feel bad because he's gonna have to buy all my food and pay for gas, etc. He has to pay my cell phone bill, for my gas at school. He even pays for my alcohol in an indirect way. And my family is really mean about the whole thing. "Why aren't you working? You bum. Get a job." Well, fuck you guys because I'm trying really fucking hard to get a job. I don't enjoy sitting around all day doing nothing. They have no idea how hard I really try...And I want them to stop, and said something to my dad about it and all he said was "that's what they're like. they're just joking." Well, that's great. But I want to cry everytime they say something to me about it.

This whole diet thing has only led me to lose 6 pounds since I got home...That is not cool at all.
I am always going to be fat and ugly and gross. And this just makes me depressed so I sit and eat ice cream right out of the container on my bed at 2 am. Running only makes my body ache and I have no money to go to like a gym or whatever. I can't even afford gas to go to the walking place. I am always hungry and drinking 15 glasses of water a day just makes me pee a lot.

Just because I have never had a boyfriend, I must be a lesbian. This is the way my family thinks. Well, I'm sorry that I am not everyone's fuck buddy. It's not like I don't try to get fucked. Ok, actually I don't try that hard, but I don't see how anyone would want to be with me. Like I said, I'm fat and ugly and gross. I am sick of people telling me that I am gay. I'm not. I really enjoy penis-vagina interactions. The thought of me sticking my tongue on a vagina makes me a little nauseus. No offense, its just not for me. And I want to cry everytime someone accuses me of it. And along those lines, just because I have a male friend, doesn't mean we are dating and/or fucking. My family is also so closed-minded. When my uncle learned that Robbie was gay, he was like "Why doesn't he like girls? He should be dating you." How the fuck do I answer that? I don't know...he just doesn't. And I'm sorry that most of my guy friends are gay. They actually pay attention to me and aren't complete assholes. And I have straight guy friends...not many, but they're there. Bret, Dominic, Brett, Zee, Mike, Perrie, Brian, Jake, John, Mike dos. Oh wait, could it be? They outweigh the gay...Robbie, Seth, Nait, Doug, Ian (flora, not to be confused with a reader's significant other). OMG, they do.

Anyway, I passed up an opportunity to get drunk because I would've had to drive home. Gah, boyfriends not letting me sleep places. I am so excited that I'm going to the Outer Banks soon. And by soon, I mean not so much. It's still June...It sucks. However Robbie is gonna come visit after I get back. WOOOOOOO!!!!! I can't let him meet my family other than like my dad because they will probably scare him into never seeing me again. I really want August to come because that marks so much fun and I will get to go back to Knox. I can't wait to get trashed and walk to the caf or get trashed and go to the broadview or get trashed and pass out in a corner rolled up in a blanket...oh wait. That night never happened. heh heh heh...So...Perkins. Been there so many times since I got back. What a bank account killer.

Woo, finally Friday again. This friday I will get to go to Al's Melons and see if he will hire me. If McDonald's doesn't even give a call back, then you must really be pathetic. Well, then my new name is Pathetic Maria Baker.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

boo, PA

Ok, so how is life going for me since I arrived home? Let me tell you.

Things started out ok. My birthday present from my dad was a laptop. Not in my possession yet, but still, we bought it. Got some books from Rae. WOOO!!! BOOKS!! They don't fit on my shelf, so I have to do some rearranging. Amanda had a graduation party, that was fun. Um, been to Perkins a couple times. Got to talk to a couple friends online so far. Some more than others. Went to a baseball game of the cousins', saw the family for the first time with dyed hair...a little scary, but wasn't thrown out of any wills. Yet. Oooh, and its not 100% humidity and 97 degrees in PA, as it was in Illinois.

Ok, that pretty much ends the ok stuff. Let's move on to why I have had a stress headache for three days. My mom was visiting last week. I know how to drive. I don't need to be told what I'm doing wrong, mainly because I wasn't doing anything wrong. Also, I was a little frustrated because she would use my car and I couldn't, but that was my fault because I told her she could. Also, she couldn't afford a hotel room, so she slept on my floor. Then, I go visit Kristi and when I get home, my mom borrows car and the brakes stop working. That leaves me sitting in my room all day wishing I could go apply somewhere to work this summer so I don't kill myself from boredom and lack of money. Since we have dial-up, I can only get online after like 6 pm (est). Hardly anyone is online when I am, which leaves me sitting here even more bored than usual. If someone does get on, its usually right before I'm about to pass out from exhaustion or leave to go to Perkins, so we can't really chat long.

I have never actually missed someone when I was home for a break. And I REALLY REALLY miss people now. I was uploading pictures from my camera and was like "Oh, I really want fall term to come." I want to watch "movies" with Robbie & Molly. I want to go to TKE. I want to get a little tipsy and listen to rap music with Morgan. I want to be trashed at Steak 'n' Shake. *I don't want Seth or Aaryn to feel left out. We have fun at Perkins now.* I want everything to be ok between my friends, or at least stop "fighting" even if they never want to see each other again. And I want to be not caught in the middle of things which I have no part in. Come on guys, let's just all get along.

I have been so tempted to just get in my car and drive back to Knox because I actually hate being back in PA. There is nothing for me here. Aaryn and Seth will be back there soon enough. Robbie and Molly aren't even there, so its not like I'm going just to watch porn with them. I just really don't want to be in PA anymore. I live in a shitty town, I can't even walk somewhere since my car is broken. If I at least lived in Meadville, I could go somewhere. My laptop doesn't ship for another 6 days, I can probably last until it gets here. But there are no places hiring, so I don't even know how I'm going to make any money.

And to top it off, the other day I found a scale. It has been my philosophy to not use them cause they will just make me want to find $9000 for a breast reduction, but I stupidly stepped upon it. After revealing the truth, I have become depressed and am practically starving myself so the truth will not be so devastating in the future. My breasts are bigger - GAH!!!, I didn't think it was possible - and I wish the food at Knox was terrible like Gannon's. I lost 15 pounds there from lack of nutrition. So, whenever I get the urge to eat, I drink a glass of water. You're supposed to get 8 8oz glasses, but I think I get like 20. Probably not the best method to lose weight, you know, treating myself like an Ethiopian, but if it works. Sometimes I eat a piece of cheese or two, but I try not to eat a lot. This way I can eat a good amount around my father and he will not get suspicious of my new eating disorder. I don't recommend drinking that much water, it makes you pee a lot.