Monday, May 08, 2006

stef = whiny emo bitch

this is your warning: this is a rant that has no real thought process, just writing, and it may sound "emo" to you, so if you are just going to leave a comment about how i bitched about you or how whiny i am, don't waste your time, i won't publish it.

ok, so as i sit here reading my econ book and looking over the stuff for my test tomorrow at 10:40 am, i wonder why. i really don't know why i am in this class. first off, i am a bio major, which although this means i will get so much money upon graduation from gradschool, it means that i must take random ass classes because knox likes to fuck people over and not offer classes that a person actually needs. so they pay the 10,000 per term to sit and stare at maps of brazil in classes they neither understand nor give a shit about. this was such a wasted term, seriously, i don't know why i didn't just say "fuck you knox, why should i pay you when i'm not doing anything important to the rest of my life. i'm taking yet another term off." however this would leave 6 classes behind instead of just 4, which, woopdefuckingdoo because i'll still be in college for another 12 years. my advisor actually advised me to take a dance class in order to play catch up in the credit department. Um, ok i'll go take a ballet class, however that means shit when it the fact that i have not fulfilled the bio requirement because, oh wait, its knox's fault because they hate biology people. but they will offer creative writing courses all the fucking time. what the fuck is a creative writing major going to do upon graduation? become a poor struggling writer in new york city? or a college professor, cause really that's all you can do with that. and how about knox require art and diversity classes, but close you out of them? yeah, that's a great fucking idea because they like to have students paying 30,000 a year for 6 years while they sit around not getting the classes they want because people come in as art majors. another useless major...and take up all the space for people who want to graduate on time. fuck you. they should also hold group interviews for things, so a whole group of people can watch you choke on why knox is better than your last college especially when you have the fucking flu instead of just one person. fuck the mcnair program. i didn't really want to spend my summer in galesfuckingburg doing research and then have someone else pay for my graduate school applications. well, guess what, just because a couple people don't think i'm good enough, doesn't mean shit. i'm going to show all of you that i can be good enough, and my senior research is going to kick all those suck-ups who did get into mcnair asses. and just because i'm a bio major does not mean that i can't write someting well, because fuck you, i've been published before. but how would you know, you don't ask or give two shits becuase you think you're better than me. i'm sick of the 'my shit don't stink' attitude i have been seeing more and more of on this campus lately. maybe i was blinded by the nicities (niceities?) of the people i had been meeting...nowadays, people are just like 'yeah, i don't really care about how you feel anymore, as long as i am happy. i don't care if me blowing you off is hurtful.' maybe i should get back to my law of diminishing marginal utility and budget constraints, but i really don't see the point. i don't know why i keep convincing myself that college will get better. its getting harder to pretend that i enjoy the whole experience. and i love when people tell me to just quit if i hate it so much and get a job. they don't know what meadville is like and don't understand that i don't want to work at mcdonald's for the rest of my life, which will be my fate should i take their advice and just stop. and, god i hope who this next section is about isn't reading this...its getting harder for me to pretend i don't love you. i think its pretty obvious, but i'm trying not to, because i know you'll never love me. i'm really trying not to, but i can't stop. i'm sorry. its not like anyone is going to be hurt by this but me, so its my fault and i'm sorry. ok so anyway, i don't really have any straight friends, which leads me into the world of maybe i should just forget about ever finding someone with a penis and become a lesbian. its easy and there are plenty on campus, so wtf right? although i'm not gay and i don't want a woman. i guess the easy route isn't always the best route? whatever, i'm never going to be happy, so i shouldn't even try and just go on with things the way they are. i'll just live alone forever with some turtles and a dog or something. little kids will be afraid to come to my house at halloween because of rumors that i am witch and will eat them. Maybe i will start eating children...who knows. God, I am dreading this fucking economics test because i don't know how to do any of it and i hate waking up and going through my mundane routine of class, class, lunch, wallow in self-pity, dinner, sleep, repeat. every once in awhile see a movie with friends or a play and pretend to be having a really good time, when instead i want to be lying in my bed, crying, and waiting for the end to come. and fuck you if you say i don't have depression, because i really do, and i don't just like being upset. newsflash, i don't enjoy blowing off my friends because i would rather be contemplating suicide.

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