Monday, May 22, 2006

happy birthday, right? wrong

Ok, so I know everyone has been dying to know what has been happening, how my birthday was, etc. Here goes.

I left off last time with me being mad at my friends for stupid reasons. That was a Saturday blog. Let's move on to Sunday. I was watching a couple movies with Molly, Robbie, and Aaryn and felt the air to be very thick between me and R. I felt like I was being ignored for something I had done that I had no knowledge of. Turns out, I had done nothing, and he didn't know that I felt that way. However, A had to comment about how I was mad and that he should say something to me about it. This is where my life turned into the shithole that it is now. Yes, a mere 7 days ago I had friends, including one really really good one. Today, I sit alone wondering what is going to happen in the next 8 days before summer vacation.

So R says something to me through IM. "I'm not mad. I didn't mean to come off that way. But we need to talk about something." Ok, I thought this would be a "to be continued" thing. But I was wrong. "Do you have a crush on me?" The phrase literally keeps going through my mind and I can't make it stop. It was the moment when everything in my life came to a screeching halt. I couldn't respond. My hands couldn't find the right keys. All my body knew how to do was cry. I don't think I ever actually answered him, so here's a straight forward "YES." Now, this conversation slowly morphed from "i don't want you to get hurt" to "stef has a depression problem that is in full swing and everyone is afraid she will do something stupid and hurt herself." Still crying. An hour later, he tells me he can't talk anymore because he is drained. Again, I took this to be "to be continued" Again, I was wrong. Monday was one of those days where you don't want to be around anyone, but you do it because you're trying to seem like you're strong. However, you get ahold of a bottle of vodka, and it slips away...R got really pissed at me for drinking, but I didn't know what else to do. I went to see Ginny drunk, but she wasn't there. This just made everything worse. I'm sorry now, but at the time I couldn't understand why no one could understand that I was really hurt because R was avoiding me and alcohol was the only thing I could think of. Monday is sort of a blur because I fell asleep alot and I'm pretty sure I cried alot.

Time for Tuesday. R's friend Sarah has come to visit. I literally get nothing from him all day until around 11 pm when I get a random phone call from him. He asked me to go to Steak 'n' Shake with him, S, and everyone else. Naturally, I do because I want to show him that I'm not uncomfortable around him, even though I am. I got pissed then because of a comment, but now I feel bad that I did. Sorry, if you ever read this. I was so "excited" to see Ginny because I needed to talk to someone who would understand why I was so dehydrated from crying that I couldn't cry anymore.

Friday: We played tony hawk. Seemed like nothing was wrong. Whatever. Then we get ready to go to Katelyn's. We're there. I drink a beer. Then another. Then we go back to Morgan & A's room for tequila. Where I drunkenly sit in the bathroom crying because I just want things to be normal. Then he finds out I don't want to be around him because he doesn't want to be around me. I leave to go to my room but figure what the hell, I'll just go to Katelyn's. I drank two more beers and like 1/2 shot of everclear. FUCKED UP. Robbie has like 12-13 shots of tequila. FUCKED UP. We went to a frat party and he didn't know where he was or where the bathroom was, so I walked him back to his room. I am a good friend. My birthday had started about 2 hours ago and I was having a good time. Then, we're in his room and he goes to pee. About 30 minutes later, he's not back so I go to check on him. Then I sit there while he throws up giving him tissues and water and talking to him about how he's going to be ok, and then sit with him in the suite until he fell asleep. Then, I sat there until 3 am to make sure he was ok. Happy Birthday to me right? I'm a good friend.

Saturday (this is the best one yet, honest): I woke up, not hungover, ready to have a good birthday with intent to go to a booksale with Molly. Yeah, no. After falling asleep at fucking 4, I was too tired to do anything. Then, at lunch Erika informs us that R has not picked up Sarah yet. He of course has lost his cell phone and no one knows how he is doing. We went to get him, and I, still being a damn good friend, drive his sick and hungover ass to Peoria to get her. I missed Gala decorating. Then I take them to Taco Bell because he's hungry. And I bought him a gatorade because he was dying. There, 3 hours out of my birthday gone. Now, after dinner, pre-gala drinking. I had 3 shots of southern comfort and 1/2 bottle of Pucker. I was trashed. Would you like to know what Robbie said to me "Yeah, I was pissed at you when you drank on Monday." That's about it...then we were in his room waiting for sarah and i was feeling like shit and couldn't move cause i was so sick and i couldn't find my phone. he threw me out of his room because they were leaving when all i wanted was my phone. he really didn't pay that much attention to me that night. like i mean he barely even looked at me. ok, on the way to the gala, i made a comment about how my birthday really hasn't been that great and how i don't feel good cause i'm trashed as hell and without turning around R says "Go home." So I did, kinda. I went outside where I had to leave because campus security came by. Then I sat in the chair in the bathroom lounge waiting for anything to happen. molly sat with me for awhile...i didn't want to be where robbie was. i couldn't handle it. becuase we haven't talked about it yet. its still weird for both of us. i wanted to go to TKE. So I did. Where I was hella trashed. and hella sick and got beer spilled on me. and saw my roommate dance like a drunk person dances. And carri was dancing all crazy and then robbie showed up. and when i bumped him cause there were like 554357 people there, he would get really defensive like and move away. whatever. molly got really pissed at him and told him to run away because he's good at that. and i got pissed at her because he doesn't deserved to be yelled at by anyone.

Today: he left early enough to avoid everyone on campus except erika. he went home. and emailed me telling me that i should just shut up and wait for him to come to me. well, that's what i've been fucking doing, but i didn't want to run out of time. i'm only going to be here for 8 more days. i feel really shitty about the way that i've been treating him, but i didn't want to hurt him. my intent was not to hurt him ever. i just wanted to know what was going on. i guess everyone else is ok now. but he hates me right now. he hates molly right now. aaryn is still yelling at me for stupid shit that i don't know how to do differently. i'm just going to go and hope that everything gets better by the end of this week. i can't go home when all i can think about is whether robbie will ever be my friend again.

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