Saturday, May 13, 2006

chocolate teddy graham

It is seriously way too fucking cold for being May 13th....holy shit. I have two shirts and two hoodies on, and I can't feel my body because it is numb. Or maybe I have a fever...I was sitting in the rain and cold last night. Also, I have no feeling in my feet from the cold and i'm menstruating. Joyous.

Ok, so let me just start out with: I don't hate any of you. I'm just really pissed and hurt.

Ok, so yesterday we went to Peoria so people could buy shit for the Gala. After walking around in the freezing cold and going into stores that even if I used my dad's yearly income, I couldn't afford the shit for what seemed like two hours, we left that place with absolutely nothing. Also, I was told I couldn't hang out with the "boys" because I wasn't at least six-foot tall. And, I thought I was going to see legitimate discipline from a parent, but he folded and used the counting system (which is stupid as hell) and the child left with no sore body parts...

Then we went to the mall, where again, after walking around for like 2 hours, we left with nothing. This time, I had the pleasant experience of going into every store that sells to people who are anorexic or are just luckily a size 1. However, we did go into Spencer's where Robbie spanked me, and let's face it guys, that is hot. (side note: whips aren't as horrible as I thought, at least when he does it) Yay, highlight of my day. (side note: i accidently typed 'highlight of my dad') So, we went to eat dinner because we had missed school supplied dinner. I didn't want any food, so of course we go around the table with everyone saying "i'll get it for you." Guys, I have money, I'm just not hungry. I hate when people offer to pay for me. It makes me feel even shittier than I do about my household income...It serioously hurts me more than a lot of things. Anyways, after looking in every store for shoes to wear to the Gala, I was disappointed enough to come to the conclusion that I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't even want to go anymore because I'll just be disappointed and/or profess my love for a certain someone while trashed off my ass. Happy Birthday to me, right? Fuck it. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry, because that sounds like a blast...

Oh wait, no its not becuase that's what I did last night. *This is the point where people who don't believe I have depression can fuck off.* So, I was sitting in Robbie's room playing Tony Hawk 3 on PS2 because, well its the shit. And then we went to a party in Townhouse B, and I didn't want to be there. So, I go sit outside because I wanted to go to Katelyn's with them, but after sitting in the rain for like 20 minutes and no one coming back outside like they said, I started having that "you're going to start crying, run!" feeling. So i got up to leave. Ok, here's the thing that pisses me off: I don't care that they were all drinking without me. I would never want them to stop having fun just to do something with me. I'm fine on my own. I'm pissed that there were like 10 people that went with me, 7 of which have cell phones with my number in it, and not one of them called to see where I was, or if I was ok. Not one. I mean, I just walked away and none of them were concerned with my whereabouts? I was actually hoping to hear from 2 people, whichever one it was didn't really matter to me, cause those are the two I wouldn't have lied to, but that's not the point. (Molly &/or Robbie) Ginny tells me that I don't realize how much people care, but I'm pretty sure I do know. I'm not going to excommunicate them or anything. They're my friends. Nor did they call to say "wer're not going to katelyn's" or "we're going now, do you want to come."

And we have a planned lunch in like 30 minutes, that I'm not going to because i'm not hungry and in the last 24 hours, i've had a couple chips and a chocolate teddy graham. But aside from being not hungry, I don't actually want to be around a large group of people. Some of them know that, and I especially don't want to eat with people that I'm not too fond of. (if you're reading this, its not you, i think...i don't know that any of them know my blog site) How hard is it to realize that my group of friends should be small? I'm a shy person and I get nervous and anxious around mass amounts of people...Learn that, commit it to memory.

1 comment:

Rae said...

So here goes..
not to downplay whatever you feel about how your compadres treat you or anything, but maybe they feel like they have to constantly check to make sure you arent angry or upset. Even if that isnt the way it is, people often take other peoples issues as burdens and dont care to deal with them. Maybe they didnt come outside because they didnt want to check to make sure you were ok again. Or maybe they didnt notice you were gone. I dont know how big the party was but I know i dont keep full track of my friends at a party..we mingle around.I dunno just thoughts.
It seems like you are having a lot of friend troubles lately....ditto.
Also, why dont you just profess your love to dude? It seems a lot easier than pining over him for months. If you do and he likes you..then pow you move into the next phase. if not, then you can focus attention to someone who may like you. It seems like a lot of wasted time to me.