Tuesday, May 23, 2006

brazilian philosophy

ok, nothing really new since last night. i'm kinda worried that i will never talk to robbie, but i am just impatient. but seriously this wait is killing me. deep down i know he's not doing it on purpose, he's just not ready yet. but i really want it to happen. i think i posted that one brazilian quote, but in case i didn't: In the end, everything is OK. And if it's not OK, that's because it's not the end. i am trying with all i have to live by that philosophy. i'm sad to say i think i am failing. everyone tells me it'll be ok, and i'm trying to believe them, but its too hard...

i tried packing today, but i was too depressed about all of this to do much. he was downstairs in a & m's room and i was so paranoid that i would run into him. i didn't...but then i went back to the room later to get erika's half of the tequila with erika, and morgan and robbie were drinking it. it was supposed to be her birthday present and bought with that intent, but apparently they didn't care. i told morgan that i don't hate her because i don't, but i'm sure she just ignored it because she was drunk.

i can't get through a day without crying anymore. this is all so shitty for no reason aside from me being stupid and insensitive and selfish. i feel like crap and he doesn't deserve to be my friend because i'm horrible. but i'm going to go on crying everyday because that relieves a little bit of the stress i have, but not much.

i get to live in post again next year. that is exciting, and hopefully robbie will sign up for post 7 also, because he said he wanted to live with us next year. i hope he's not too pissed off at me to not do it.


Rae said...

You keep bashing yourself terribly. I think I know you well enough to know you are not insensitive and you are not horrible. Quit blaming yourself so harshly. Just because someone says something is your fault doesnt actually make it your fault. Just because you think you are a fuck up doesnt mean you actually are. Knowing absolutely nothing about the situation, I think you just know some people who like to make you feel like crap. I think that because they all tell you that you are the source of the problems you are starting to believe its true. Knowing you, I am sure you are emotional and depressed and that can be tough for people to deal with. That doesnt make everything your fault. How about the fact that this Robbie sounds melodramatic. What does he need time for? To make you think about what youve done? He DOES deserve you because depressed or not, you are a loyal friend who treats everyone with respect, you are smart and I cant even think that you would feel UNWORTHY of someones friendship. People who make us feel like that, arent worht having around...even if you are in love with them. And how about these stupid girls who are just playing games with you to create drama? Jesus there are some in every bunch arent there.. You should seriously just tell them to fuck off, what point is there to keep striving for their friendship when they obviously dont value yours.
Now Buck up and if you want to talk (i promise i wont give you advice if you dont want it) give me a holla!

Anonymous said...

Suprise Steff! Heh, I bet you can guess who this is. Frankly, I'm commenting because I care about you, and I only found your blog because I occasionally check your myspace. Don't worry, it's not like I would tell anyone about anything that I've read here, I respect privacy, and I'm not into causing drama.

I don't know who this rae person is, but I think that she doesn't really know us well enough to say some of the things she did. Haha, I laughed at the Robbie is melodramatic thing, because he really is, but other than that I think she's pretty off. I'm pretty sure none of us think that you're to blame, emotions are kind of just something that happens. Robbie personally told me today that he doesn't blame you for what you're feeling. He just wishes that things didn't have to be so awkward. It's hard to know that someone feels so strongly about you, when all you really need is a good friend. You know?

There is some drama going on that I think is completely unnecesarry though, but it's infrequent and mostly involves girl-talk. I don't like the way certain people tell other people what they should be doing or spreading heat-of-the-moment comments around as if they're god's word, when that same person is hardly around to play the part of friend anymore. But it's not my place to stir things up.

Buck up though okay, Stef Stef? I don't think any of us WANT to keep up the fights or awkwardness, it just takes time to sort things out. As long as everyone keeps their cool, things'll work out, right? I know it's hard, but we really all do value your friendship.