Thursday, May 25, 2006

partially healed...

ok, so i shouldn't blog in the non-private blog about things that happened when i'm drunk...right, note to self, remember that.

i am a shitty friend because i have been listening to the wrong people.

nothing that happened on saturday was good times for anyone. and i kinda wish we could get do-overs, cause my birthday would be one of those days.

today, i did something i have never done. i confronted someone because i wanted to. i am not the kind of person who goes up to someone, catches them off guard, and speaks my mind. woah, that is totally not me in a nutshell. maybe if i were on some sort of medication...i realize that people don't want to hear how i really feel, but they ask, and i want someone to know cause i think it'll make it better, so i tell them. didn't know i was just pissing people off.

i don't hate anyone in this world except for 2 people. there names are John Allen, and Rose Allen. those are my mom's ex-boyfriend and his mother. he not only caused my parents' divorce, but forced me to change schools, lose several great friends, and in the end, he stole my dog. i do however use the term "hate" very loosely. i guess in my mind i don't think people will take me seriously, but now i know they do. so MORGAN, i want you to know that I never actually hated you. i was mad about several comments, and should've said something to you, but i didn't and i'm sorry. i'm completely over it now because i know you didn't realize you were doing anything, and the other day i realized how much i miss doing stuff with you. i hope that in the few days we have left, we can have some fun and next year will be awesome.

i didn't mean to hurt anyone with my birthday blog...sorry to those of you who were affected by that...

i guess what i do now, is try to get things back to normal, or at least make things not end badly between people. however, i don't want to push people into things they don't want.

i guess i feel better about some things...i'm not completely "healed," but i guess in time, everything will be ok, because that's what the brazilians think.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

brazilian philosophy

ok, nothing really new since last night. i'm kinda worried that i will never talk to robbie, but i am just impatient. but seriously this wait is killing me. deep down i know he's not doing it on purpose, he's just not ready yet. but i really want it to happen. i think i posted that one brazilian quote, but in case i didn't: In the end, everything is OK. And if it's not OK, that's because it's not the end. i am trying with all i have to live by that philosophy. i'm sad to say i think i am failing. everyone tells me it'll be ok, and i'm trying to believe them, but its too hard...

i tried packing today, but i was too depressed about all of this to do much. he was downstairs in a & m's room and i was so paranoid that i would run into him. i didn't...but then i went back to the room later to get erika's half of the tequila with erika, and morgan and robbie were drinking it. it was supposed to be her birthday present and bought with that intent, but apparently they didn't care. i told morgan that i don't hate her because i don't, but i'm sure she just ignored it because she was drunk.

i can't get through a day without crying anymore. this is all so shitty for no reason aside from me being stupid and insensitive and selfish. i feel like crap and he doesn't deserve to be my friend because i'm horrible. but i'm going to go on crying everyday because that relieves a little bit of the stress i have, but not much.

i get to live in post again next year. that is exciting, and hopefully robbie will sign up for post 7 also, because he said he wanted to live with us next year. i hope he's not too pissed off at me to not do it.

Monday, May 22, 2006

happy birthday, right? wrong

Ok, so I know everyone has been dying to know what has been happening, how my birthday was, etc. Here goes.

I left off last time with me being mad at my friends for stupid reasons. That was a Saturday blog. Let's move on to Sunday. I was watching a couple movies with Molly, Robbie, and Aaryn and felt the air to be very thick between me and R. I felt like I was being ignored for something I had done that I had no knowledge of. Turns out, I had done nothing, and he didn't know that I felt that way. However, A had to comment about how I was mad and that he should say something to me about it. This is where my life turned into the shithole that it is now. Yes, a mere 7 days ago I had friends, including one really really good one. Today, I sit alone wondering what is going to happen in the next 8 days before summer vacation.

So R says something to me through IM. "I'm not mad. I didn't mean to come off that way. But we need to talk about something." Ok, I thought this would be a "to be continued" thing. But I was wrong. "Do you have a crush on me?" The phrase literally keeps going through my mind and I can't make it stop. It was the moment when everything in my life came to a screeching halt. I couldn't respond. My hands couldn't find the right keys. All my body knew how to do was cry. I don't think I ever actually answered him, so here's a straight forward "YES." Now, this conversation slowly morphed from "i don't want you to get hurt" to "stef has a depression problem that is in full swing and everyone is afraid she will do something stupid and hurt herself." Still crying. An hour later, he tells me he can't talk anymore because he is drained. Again, I took this to be "to be continued" Again, I was wrong. Monday was one of those days where you don't want to be around anyone, but you do it because you're trying to seem like you're strong. However, you get ahold of a bottle of vodka, and it slips away...R got really pissed at me for drinking, but I didn't know what else to do. I went to see Ginny drunk, but she wasn't there. This just made everything worse. I'm sorry now, but at the time I couldn't understand why no one could understand that I was really hurt because R was avoiding me and alcohol was the only thing I could think of. Monday is sort of a blur because I fell asleep alot and I'm pretty sure I cried alot.

Time for Tuesday. R's friend Sarah has come to visit. I literally get nothing from him all day until around 11 pm when I get a random phone call from him. He asked me to go to Steak 'n' Shake with him, S, and everyone else. Naturally, I do because I want to show him that I'm not uncomfortable around him, even though I am. I got pissed then because of a comment, but now I feel bad that I did. Sorry, if you ever read this. I was so "excited" to see Ginny because I needed to talk to someone who would understand why I was so dehydrated from crying that I couldn't cry anymore.

Friday: We played tony hawk. Seemed like nothing was wrong. Whatever. Then we get ready to go to Katelyn's. We're there. I drink a beer. Then another. Then we go back to Morgan & A's room for tequila. Where I drunkenly sit in the bathroom crying because I just want things to be normal. Then he finds out I don't want to be around him because he doesn't want to be around me. I leave to go to my room but figure what the hell, I'll just go to Katelyn's. I drank two more beers and like 1/2 shot of everclear. FUCKED UP. Robbie has like 12-13 shots of tequila. FUCKED UP. We went to a frat party and he didn't know where he was or where the bathroom was, so I walked him back to his room. I am a good friend. My birthday had started about 2 hours ago and I was having a good time. Then, we're in his room and he goes to pee. About 30 minutes later, he's not back so I go to check on him. Then I sit there while he throws up giving him tissues and water and talking to him about how he's going to be ok, and then sit with him in the suite until he fell asleep. Then, I sat there until 3 am to make sure he was ok. Happy Birthday to me right? I'm a good friend.

Saturday (this is the best one yet, honest): I woke up, not hungover, ready to have a good birthday with intent to go to a booksale with Molly. Yeah, no. After falling asleep at fucking 4, I was too tired to do anything. Then, at lunch Erika informs us that R has not picked up Sarah yet. He of course has lost his cell phone and no one knows how he is doing. We went to get him, and I, still being a damn good friend, drive his sick and hungover ass to Peoria to get her. I missed Gala decorating. Then I take them to Taco Bell because he's hungry. And I bought him a gatorade because he was dying. There, 3 hours out of my birthday gone. Now, after dinner, pre-gala drinking. I had 3 shots of southern comfort and 1/2 bottle of Pucker. I was trashed. Would you like to know what Robbie said to me "Yeah, I was pissed at you when you drank on Monday." That's about it...then we were in his room waiting for sarah and i was feeling like shit and couldn't move cause i was so sick and i couldn't find my phone. he threw me out of his room because they were leaving when all i wanted was my phone. he really didn't pay that much attention to me that night. like i mean he barely even looked at me. ok, on the way to the gala, i made a comment about how my birthday really hasn't been that great and how i don't feel good cause i'm trashed as hell and without turning around R says "Go home." So I did, kinda. I went outside where I had to leave because campus security came by. Then I sat in the chair in the bathroom lounge waiting for anything to happen. molly sat with me for awhile...i didn't want to be where robbie was. i couldn't handle it. becuase we haven't talked about it yet. its still weird for both of us. i wanted to go to TKE. So I did. Where I was hella trashed. and hella sick and got beer spilled on me. and saw my roommate dance like a drunk person dances. And carri was dancing all crazy and then robbie showed up. and when i bumped him cause there were like 554357 people there, he would get really defensive like and move away. whatever. molly got really pissed at him and told him to run away because he's good at that. and i got pissed at her because he doesn't deserved to be yelled at by anyone.

Today: he left early enough to avoid everyone on campus except erika. he went home. and emailed me telling me that i should just shut up and wait for him to come to me. well, that's what i've been fucking doing, but i didn't want to run out of time. i'm only going to be here for 8 more days. i feel really shitty about the way that i've been treating him, but i didn't want to hurt him. my intent was not to hurt him ever. i just wanted to know what was going on. i guess everyone else is ok now. but he hates me right now. he hates molly right now. aaryn is still yelling at me for stupid shit that i don't know how to do differently. i'm just going to go and hope that everything gets better by the end of this week. i can't go home when all i can think about is whether robbie will ever be my friend again.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

chocolate teddy graham

It is seriously way too fucking cold for being May 13th....holy shit. I have two shirts and two hoodies on, and I can't feel my body because it is numb. Or maybe I have a fever...I was sitting in the rain and cold last night. Also, I have no feeling in my feet from the cold and i'm menstruating. Joyous.

Ok, so let me just start out with: I don't hate any of you. I'm just really pissed and hurt.

Ok, so yesterday we went to Peoria so people could buy shit for the Gala. After walking around in the freezing cold and going into stores that even if I used my dad's yearly income, I couldn't afford the shit for what seemed like two hours, we left that place with absolutely nothing. Also, I was told I couldn't hang out with the "boys" because I wasn't at least six-foot tall. And, I thought I was going to see legitimate discipline from a parent, but he folded and used the counting system (which is stupid as hell) and the child left with no sore body parts...

Then we went to the mall, where again, after walking around for like 2 hours, we left with nothing. This time, I had the pleasant experience of going into every store that sells to people who are anorexic or are just luckily a size 1. However, we did go into Spencer's where Robbie spanked me, and let's face it guys, that is hot. (side note: whips aren't as horrible as I thought, at least when he does it) Yay, highlight of my day. (side note: i accidently typed 'highlight of my dad') So, we went to eat dinner because we had missed school supplied dinner. I didn't want any food, so of course we go around the table with everyone saying "i'll get it for you." Guys, I have money, I'm just not hungry. I hate when people offer to pay for me. It makes me feel even shittier than I do about my household income...It serioously hurts me more than a lot of things. Anyways, after looking in every store for shoes to wear to the Gala, I was disappointed enough to come to the conclusion that I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't even want to go anymore because I'll just be disappointed and/or profess my love for a certain someone while trashed off my ass. Happy Birthday to me, right? Fuck it. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry, because that sounds like a blast...

Oh wait, no its not becuase that's what I did last night. *This is the point where people who don't believe I have depression can fuck off.* So, I was sitting in Robbie's room playing Tony Hawk 3 on PS2 because, well its the shit. And then we went to a party in Townhouse B, and I didn't want to be there. So, I go sit outside because I wanted to go to Katelyn's with them, but after sitting in the rain for like 20 minutes and no one coming back outside like they said, I started having that "you're going to start crying, run!" feeling. So i got up to leave. Ok, here's the thing that pisses me off: I don't care that they were all drinking without me. I would never want them to stop having fun just to do something with me. I'm fine on my own. I'm pissed that there were like 10 people that went with me, 7 of which have cell phones with my number in it, and not one of them called to see where I was, or if I was ok. Not one. I mean, I just walked away and none of them were concerned with my whereabouts? I was actually hoping to hear from 2 people, whichever one it was didn't really matter to me, cause those are the two I wouldn't have lied to, but that's not the point. (Molly &/or Robbie) Ginny tells me that I don't realize how much people care, but I'm pretty sure I do know. I'm not going to excommunicate them or anything. They're my friends. Nor did they call to say "wer're not going to katelyn's" or "we're going now, do you want to come."

And we have a planned lunch in like 30 minutes, that I'm not going to because i'm not hungry and in the last 24 hours, i've had a couple chips and a chocolate teddy graham. But aside from being not hungry, I don't actually want to be around a large group of people. Some of them know that, and I especially don't want to eat with people that I'm not too fond of. (if you're reading this, its not you, i think...i don't know that any of them know my blog site) How hard is it to realize that my group of friends should be small? I'm a shy person and I get nervous and anxious around mass amounts of people...Learn that, commit it to memory.

Monday, May 08, 2006

stef = whiny emo bitch

this is your warning: this is a rant that has no real thought process, just writing, and it may sound "emo" to you, so if you are just going to leave a comment about how i bitched about you or how whiny i am, don't waste your time, i won't publish it.

ok, so as i sit here reading my econ book and looking over the stuff for my test tomorrow at 10:40 am, i wonder why. i really don't know why i am in this class. first off, i am a bio major, which although this means i will get so much money upon graduation from gradschool, it means that i must take random ass classes because knox likes to fuck people over and not offer classes that a person actually needs. so they pay the 10,000 per term to sit and stare at maps of brazil in classes they neither understand nor give a shit about. this was such a wasted term, seriously, i don't know why i didn't just say "fuck you knox, why should i pay you when i'm not doing anything important to the rest of my life. i'm taking yet another term off." however this would leave 6 classes behind instead of just 4, which, woopdefuckingdoo because i'll still be in college for another 12 years. my advisor actually advised me to take a dance class in order to play catch up in the credit department. Um, ok i'll go take a ballet class, however that means shit when it the fact that i have not fulfilled the bio requirement because, oh wait, its knox's fault because they hate biology people. but they will offer creative writing courses all the fucking time. what the fuck is a creative writing major going to do upon graduation? become a poor struggling writer in new york city? or a college professor, cause really that's all you can do with that. and how about knox require art and diversity classes, but close you out of them? yeah, that's a great fucking idea because they like to have students paying 30,000 a year for 6 years while they sit around not getting the classes they want because people come in as art majors. another useless major...and take up all the space for people who want to graduate on time. fuck you. they should also hold group interviews for things, so a whole group of people can watch you choke on why knox is better than your last college especially when you have the fucking flu instead of just one person. fuck the mcnair program. i didn't really want to spend my summer in galesfuckingburg doing research and then have someone else pay for my graduate school applications. well, guess what, just because a couple people don't think i'm good enough, doesn't mean shit. i'm going to show all of you that i can be good enough, and my senior research is going to kick all those suck-ups who did get into mcnair asses. and just because i'm a bio major does not mean that i can't write someting well, because fuck you, i've been published before. but how would you know, you don't ask or give two shits becuase you think you're better than me. i'm sick of the 'my shit don't stink' attitude i have been seeing more and more of on this campus lately. maybe i was blinded by the nicities (niceities?) of the people i had been meeting...nowadays, people are just like 'yeah, i don't really care about how you feel anymore, as long as i am happy. i don't care if me blowing you off is hurtful.' maybe i should get back to my law of diminishing marginal utility and budget constraints, but i really don't see the point. i don't know why i keep convincing myself that college will get better. its getting harder to pretend that i enjoy the whole experience. and i love when people tell me to just quit if i hate it so much and get a job. they don't know what meadville is like and don't understand that i don't want to work at mcdonald's for the rest of my life, which will be my fate should i take their advice and just stop. and, god i hope who this next section is about isn't reading this...its getting harder for me to pretend i don't love you. i think its pretty obvious, but i'm trying not to, because i know you'll never love me. i'm really trying not to, but i can't stop. i'm sorry. its not like anyone is going to be hurt by this but me, so its my fault and i'm sorry. ok so anyway, i don't really have any straight friends, which leads me into the world of maybe i should just forget about ever finding someone with a penis and become a lesbian. its easy and there are plenty on campus, so wtf right? although i'm not gay and i don't want a woman. i guess the easy route isn't always the best route? whatever, i'm never going to be happy, so i shouldn't even try and just go on with things the way they are. i'll just live alone forever with some turtles and a dog or something. little kids will be afraid to come to my house at halloween because of rumors that i am witch and will eat them. Maybe i will start eating children...who knows. God, I am dreading this fucking economics test because i don't know how to do any of it and i hate waking up and going through my mundane routine of class, class, lunch, wallow in self-pity, dinner, sleep, repeat. every once in awhile see a movie with friends or a play and pretend to be having a really good time, when instead i want to be lying in my bed, crying, and waiting for the end to come. and fuck you if you say i don't have depression, because i really do, and i don't just like being upset. newsflash, i don't enjoy blowing off my friends because i would rather be contemplating suicide.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

May 5th is no pants day

You really want to know what I said? I'll fucking tell you. The moment has passed and it means nothing now, so whatever. But I said "Friday is no pants day. Too bad you won't be here." Now you can be pissed at me all you want. I don't fucking care anymore.

It seems to me that your goal is to hurt me physically, but I never thought you'd try to do it emotionally. Congrats, you have succeeded. Now let me sit in my room and cry because everyone seems to find some way to screw with me (except for one person, who's name starts with Mo.) and ends with lly.

Sorry for all the dedicated readers, I just wanted to bitch about someone. Don't worry, because that person probably doesn't even read this, so its not you. :)