Saturday, December 16, 2006

Honesty is the Best Policy

Hey there all. I've probably lost some friends over last term/break...although I don't think it was any fault of mine. Sorry that I didn't pick up the phone to call you everyday to do things...but (and this might sound harsh) why should I have to be the one to makes the plans? You guys have a phone and my number, so the responsibility is not all mine. Don't get me wrong, I like people, not necessarily love (because that's a strong word), but like them. But I can't be in charge of everything. And my break didn't go the way everyone assumed it went nothing like that.

I spent most of my days crocheting scarves and pot holders in my bedroom. Some evenings I went into Conneautville and hung out with Ruth. Sometimes while there, I went to the bar and sat around drinking Dr. Pepper watching people play pool. Other evenings I went to Perkins with Aaryn & Doug because they called and asked me to. On Saturday nights I took Ruth to AA meetings and occasionally I stayed there because she asked me to. I enjoy it, she's bored, I'm do the math. Most nights I was home before 11 and sat in my bedroom watching Jurassic Park until I fell asleep.

Hmmm...I don't see anything in there about what some people assumed I would do.

Also, I thought about how much I don't really want to go back to Knox, but on the other hand, I don't want to stay here. I don't want to go back to a place where I don't enjoy my classes, I'll have to work 7 hours a week doing shit I don't really want to do (which might not seem like a lot, but 7 hours on top of Knox coursework is a lot), Robbie won't be there (makes me cry to think about it), I'll have to find some time to work out, and frat parties are only fun when I am slightly to very intoxicated. I don't think I want to drink anymore, for reals this time. Staying home has made me realize how much I want to be on my own. I don't like being in my house; it's boring in da Valley...seriously. I feel uncomfortable around some of my friends here because all they can talk about is NA. And BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH!!! However, I'm lonely here. Well, I'm lonely at Knox, but there is more to distract me there.

I am not happy. I can't stop taking out my emotional pain on myself physically. I have broken down in front of people I never thought I would. Sharing things I didn't think I would tell anyone aside from Ginny or some other doctor. I am terrified to get a job because at my last one, I had anxiety attacks every day because there were too many people around me.

Oh well, I'm too tired to go on. I would say I'm sorry if I was too harshly honest...but I'm not. I feel it needed to be said, so I said it.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

I like to watch candles burn

Thought I would update since it's been awhile. I've was deathly ill for a couple weeks, still have a sore throat, but I'm able to function again.

However, I have been feeling really down and unsocial lately. I don't really want to do anything, but do somethings, because I feel like I have to do something before I go crazier and kill someone or something. I don't think there is anyone out there who really knows how unhappy I really am or, in other words, what things make me the way I am. It's kinda sad that I am unable to open up enough to anyone to let them help me. I don't trust people. I think that I do, and then something little happens, and it makes me lose it completely. Well, maybe not completely, but it makes me more hesitant to say anything.

Sure, people know that I'm depressed. I sometimes wish I was dead, some even know what I do to relieve the emotional pain. But no one knows the things that need to change for me to be happy. It's more than a "simple" change in seratonin or dopamine levels in my brain. There are things outside things that need to change, but I don't have the power to fix them. Well, ok, maybe I have the power, but I don't really know how to find the power. And people telling me that I should see a doctor doesn't help. He won't do anything but make it worse. He'll just tell me that I should find a boyfriend and all will be right with the world again. Fuck him. I don't need that. I don't want put on pills that fix the problem now, and when I go off them, go completely nuts and turn psychotic for a couple weeks through the withdrawl process.

Anyways, I think I will be ok, as long as everyone just keeps on doing what they do: listen
don't refer me to a doctor
don't treat me differently because i'm unhappy
don't push me to get me to talk
just listen

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Everytime I look at the razors, I think of what you said to me that night in the Gizmo, and I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Jealous as Fuck, That's Me

So, I'm going to pretend I'm having the best time of my life in the hopes that I can convince myself that I really am happy. If it worked for others in the past, then why shouldn't it work for me.

I was thinking about how I have been a really bad friend to Norma. And how I used to spend a lot of time with her, but just stopped...I feel like I shouldn't have just stopped. But I don't know how to fix it, so I just won't try.

Also, I wish I could help my friends...but I don't think they feel like I would listen to them because I have so much other shit going on. But, if they tell me, I won't think about what's going wrong in my life. I enjoy trying to help people. I do try...really hard. I'm assuming sometimes they don't think that, but I do.

I am doing everything in my power to make things right. I researched the mental facility at MMC. I plan on getting back on my pills. And I realize that I have to actively take part in my recovery. But when your mother calls and is just like "oh, remember how your aunt was gonna have surgery? oh, i didn't tell you...she had breast cancer last week. its gone now." I don't know how to look past that bad for something good. I mean, yeah she's over it, she's good now. She's awesome. But this is another sign that I might get cancer...And as low as I get somedays, wanting to be dead, I don't want to get cancer. I wouldn't know how to tell my friends. So I don't think I would.

I'm incredibly jealous of Robbie. He's going to follow his "wants." He's going to go off and do what he wants to do for the rest of his life. He gets to live at home away from all of the college drama crap that goes on. And if he's with us, and something happens, he can get in his car and drive home. And he gets so excited about seeing Lila and being able to take a class with his sister. This is so foreign to me...Mainly because I have no siblings, but mostly because my family doesn't even support me. They don't even keep it behind my back, like his does. They blatantly tell me that I won't get a job. They laugh when I say I want to go to grad school. My major is useless. My favorite times are when they go "So, what're you changing your major to now? Transferring again yet?" I could NEVER tell them that I don't really believe in God; I want to be Buddhist or Pagan. I don't know, something that doesn't involve living a boring life because everything I do is a fucking sin.

I get so much crap for just dying my hair, or getting a peircing, how are they going to react when they find out I have a tattoo? How would they react to me saying I am an alcoholic...who tried stopping for 2 months, but couldn't do it, because it was just too much fun to be drunk? I can't even imagine telling them that I want them to stop making fun of me, because sometimes they go so far, that I cry myself to sleep. Or how about telling that I'm gay? I'm not, but one of them actually threatened to beat up Robbie when he visited because he was I don't feel like I should have to physically, as well as verbally, defend one of my best friends from my family.

I want to be a math professor. Or I want to dig up dinosaur fossils. Neither will ever happen. I don't have support from people, not even some of my friends.

I realize most of my blogs focus on Robbie lately. But honestly, its just that I want to do what he's doing.

Sunday, October 29, 2006


I'm really sick of hearing the countdown until Robbie transfers. I couldn't even enjoy TKE tonight, because he kept telling people he was leaving. I feel like I will be losing my best friend, because even though he doesn't think it, I know we will drift. It always happens. Also, even though people are mad at Aaryn, I want to be her friend still. But I feel uncomfortable around people who don't like her because I still like her. I enjoy doing things with her. I want to be her friend.

I'm sick of crying. I wish I could just stop being chicken shit and talk to Robbie. You know, actually say something when he asks what's wrong, instead of staring at my shoe trying not to cry. I don't even want to lie either...but everytime, out of habit, I say that I'm fine. Everything's ok. He's not retarded, he can clearly see that I'm lying. A blind person could tell. I want to just say "Hey, I want to talk to you. And I'm going to do everything in my power to actually answer your questions." But I'm too afraid to. So if you read this, you should say something to me. Cause unless prompted by you, I will just keep everything I want to say to you about my comment about you transferring (you know, from drawing) bottled up.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Woah, It's 3 am!

So, it's been like 2 weeks since my last entry...clearly I have an awesomely boring life. So anywho...this has seriously been the week from hell. No joke. Let's start on Sunday: I woke up at 1 pm. I fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 am on Wednesday (or Thursday, depends on how you look at it). Yeah, not even fucking with you. Sunday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm. Monday night was spent typing/studying for a biology midterm, and some random important talking with Robbie & Seth. Tuesday night I had class til 10 and then I sat with Robbie playing Apples to Apples until about 4 am, when I studied for my biology final. Wednesday morning, I took my biology midterm, and by took I mean answered about 60% of the questions, cause that was all I knew. There was so much goddamned information, it was fucking ridiculous. I spent that night being depressed because I failed my biology midterm...I don't even need to see it. Finally, I passed the fuck out, and woke up at noon today. Only to do calculus homework. I skipped lunch, mainly because I had no time, and partially for some other reason (coming later in the entry). Then, after calculus, I played a little Zoo Tycoon, and sat around doing fucking nothing until 430 when I went to eat with Robbie. We left to take a nap before class, but I was too sad and didn't want to lie next to him anymore so I lay on the floor crying for 45 minutes. Then we went to drawing, which I hate, but he found out today that I am a science major, and so he's going to be more lienient, because science is about logic, and art isn't. And he was like "oh...that's why" So yeah. I might pass after all. Probably not, but I can keep hoping. A can of worms was opened, but as I am good at avoiding talking about my real feelings, we didn't really talk until 10 minutes before he went to bed. It took all my strength to not cry when I talked to him, but whatever, I haven't...YET.

Ok, new paragraph. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to eat anymore. Yeah. Eating only makes you gain weight...and I'm sick of doing that. A part of me wants to be anorexic...but people would laugh if I told them that I was, because no one would believe someone like me has an eating disorder. At least, not now. I think I might skip dinner tomorrow. The pain of being around people is just too much lately. I don't really want to do it anymore. But of course I have to fake a smile and pretend that all is right with the world, or everyone and his brother will be fucking asking me what's wrong and if i'm ok. And I really don't like being asked if i'm ok. Because I will lie to them, and then I feel bad for lying, but I don't ever want to tell the truth.

Is it bad to wonder if anyone will come to your funeral if you kill yourself? Will everyone be so pissed at you for taking the coward's way out, that they will disregard that you were hurting so badly? Will they never think of you again, because it will hurt them too much to remember things about you? Will I become one of those souls who sits around in heaven or space or whereever the fuck it is, wondering why no one on earth mentions me because everyone has forgotten me?

Those are the things I think about these days...I know, I'm an emo fuck, but I'm allowed to be.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday the 13th

Ok, so fuck Friday the 13th. From getting a roommate 3 months early to being, oh I don't know, has just been an all around horrible day. Oh did I mention some guy at the store offered me money, lots and lots of money, to have sex with him? Yeah, it happened...I had a tiny little breakdown in the parking lot after I left the building. And as much as I could use the money, and as much as I want to be fucked...NO.

Hmm, let's see. I hate everything. Also, I broke down and destroyed my bic so I could cut myself. Nothing serious, don't worry.

Robbie and I are doing the whole "honesty" thing. I tell him the truth about how I'm feeling, he accepts it. No more being pissed at each other for no reason, hopefuly. As long as he doesn't give up on me. Which he really shouldn't, cause the tarot cards said we were compatible as friends. I kinda like tarot cards. They told me that suicide would cause "chaos and debauchery." So, I guess I won't do it. Yeah.

Peace out. And next friday the 13th, I will get a doctor's excuse from school and lie in bed.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Meet Sally

Um, let's see. I have this friend, we'll call her Sally. Sally wants to kill herself. But Sally has a friend, we'll call her Rita. Rita said that if Sally were to kill herself, everyone would be really sad and pissed and they would all miss her a lot. And even though Sally believes some of this, she can't bring it upon herself to believe that "everyone" will miss her. There are some people who act like they could care less if Sally were dead; she thinks that no one in this world cares about her. Another friend, Rick, told her she should just believe that there are people who care about her and that she needs to learn to care about herself. Sally has no idea how to do this. Sally has no idea how she will make it through the next couple years of college because she hates it. She isn't doing too well in the majority of her classes. Things keep going wrong. Rick also told her to stop focusing on the negative, but when she looks around she doesn't see anything positive. Her mother might get a better job, and this would mean free tickets to Disney every year...ok, there's a positive. Sally could take Rita and her daughter there and they could have fun...But that is only a maybe, not a definite happy.

Also, Rick has announced he doesn't really want to be friends with Sally anymore. Sally doesn't know why, but she knows she must've fucked up this friendship somehow...She always does.

She turns to alcohol a lot more than she should to seek "therapy." Since it makes her fall asleep, she likes it. "You can't get hurt when you're sleeping," she always says. Sally likes to cut herself with a Bic razor she tore apart. She told me that seeing the blood makes her feel calmer and more in control of her life. She has carved words into her thighs, or just made designs. She has no self confidence, she thinks she is fat and gross and will never find anyone to love her. This is why Sally thinks there is no reason to live. Sally likes to tell me that she will never kill herself because she is too scared, that cutting is as far as it will go...but something in my head tells me that she's lying.

I don't know how to help Sally. Any suggestions are welcome. She can't see a doctor because she has no medical insurance and she has no money.

Friday, September 29, 2006

peace out homes!

so, if any of you are like "where's stef? why can't i talk to her this all??" i'll tell you why.

i am in a sort of therapy this weekend. From tonight (Fri.) until Monday morning. Talk to everyone on Monday!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


hey there guys and dolls, its time for another installment of what's happenin' with stef...

1) Robbie is mad at me for some reason...barely even looks at me.
2) I broke a rule...a very big rule. And i'm probably gonna pay for it later.
3) I spent $48 tonight on one thing. A very special thing. His name is Jason. He is like...alive. Yeah.
4) My calculus teacher thinks I am not good enough to be in his class. Ok. fine with me...less shit i have to go through.

anyways, that's about it. catch you on the flip side bitchez?!

Sunday, September 24, 2006


If there's anyone out there who wants to be my friend, I'm willing to get some new ones. Preferably ones that will stick around for a little while. And ones that don't care that I am cyclothymic. Really, not wanting to be friends with someone because of a mental disorder is like not liking someone because they are a dirty just kidding, i don't really think all of them are dirty.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I feel like I have no friends here.

The three of them seem to have their own little world going on now, and I don't fit in anymore. I don't know if it's because I told Robbie about what I do/have done. I don't know if someone said something to him about something. I don't know if he is just really upset, too. I don't understand. But I want things to be back to normal. They never will be because I'm so goddamned pessimistic. I don't know if it's because of the cup incident or the lesbian comment. I don't get it, and I don't know how to just bring it up.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I am not a fucking lesbian. So quit fucking telling me that I am. I don't care if you're joking or whatever. Don't fucking say it. I have no problems with them, I just don't want to be called one when I'm not one. SO FUCKING STOP.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Friday, September 15, 2006


I am watching porn.
I plan, how shall i put this...helping out my sex life once i acquire $45. but its totally gonna be worth it. no seriously, i would rather be poor but HAPPY, then have lots of money.

PS: the porn is called Pirates, hence the title of my blog.

Eeew, Mold!

I am having a terrible reaction to mold spores in either my fridge (which I can do nothing about considering the financial situation I am in) or in this suite...And my tattoo itches like crazy.

I am having a terrible reaction to the amount of time left in term as compared to the amount of meals I have left...I seem to be 17 short. Which means...I don't know what. I guess I eat Easy Mac for 17 meals. Or be pathetic enough for someone to buy me Chinese food.

Aside from that, I am having a good week (considering it is almost over!) only one more class to go, and it's going to be a good one, because...well because I'm supposed to think that way. I don't really believe it, but maybe I can convince myself that it'll go by fast.

Molly bought me a really cute-as-hell poster that I will be putting up soon.

And Ruth, you could try to kick my ass, but you'd lose. (ha, wouldn't, I'm a weakling)

Thursday, September 14, 2006

time is relative...and i hate relatives

ok, working on the optimism thing.
i have been able to do some homework in calculus, at least 90% the last couple days; however i feel it is because my actual teacher has been out for medical reasons. i dread his return. BUT, i am following the therapist's suggestion of trying to think positively about the class before actually going.

my drawing teacher made fun of my chair the other day, but then told me i was getting better. then someone else in the class complimented my picture. i was really happy. maybe i am not as bad as i i am, i just got lucky on that one.

also, i find the time passes much more quickly when i devote my spare time to useful things. or i try to look at things coming up...for example the TKE party on saturday or gilmore girls season 6 coming out next tuesday. these events are like milestones in the term. and when they finally get here, i am that many days closer to being home. and today, i went to a time management workshop for an hour instead of playing video games. doing homework and stuff like that make the term go faster. with deadlines, time goes faster. however sitting around waiting for november to come sucks.

and, one last thought for today. i am contemplating my next tattoo. i really want a lizardy gecko type thing, but rae tells me that it is not original enough. well, i beg to differ, and when she gets a picture of the following lizard on my ass, she will agree with me.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

short, sweet, to the point

I do not feel good.
I miss Ruth.
I hate calculus.
I have drawing tonight...literally night. (7-10pm)
It's cold here.
I am almost out of money.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Ok, so I was trying to be more optimistic about this term.

That is shot. Someone stole my bookbag from the C-Store. Luckily, I had my keys in my pocket. Not so luckily, my cell phone was in it. I can't even call anyone. So now I have to sit here, not doing homework, because oh, I CAN'T, waiting for the lady to email me saying the bitch brought it back.

How fucking stupid do you have to be to pick up a bookbag twice yours's size that is a different color? FUCKING STUPID FRESHMAN. I HATE THEM. THEY ARE RUINING MY LIFE.

And I think I just heard the people next door have an orgasm. Excellent. Now I feel even more like shit because if uglier than me people are having sex, then there is nothing left for me in this world.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

When the Laundry Spills, Mom Will Yell

I hate when life screws over the people that don't deserve it.
And I don't mean me, because that's been happening for the last 8-9 years, and I'm used to it. Sometimes it doesn't even bother me when bad shit happens to me; it doesn't phase me. I just look at it like another shirt in the laundry pile, if you will. Eventually, the pile will get too big for the basket and things will start to spill out. And if you are lucky enough to be able to squish more and more clothes into the basket, the basket will eventually break, spilling everything out onto the floor. And your mother will yell. This awkward (yet ingenious) metaphor is my life.

But like I said, this is not about me. I am done crying for myself this evening. Friend from before is kinda like a cartoon character who walks around with a rain cloud over her, and a gentle rain constantly falls. And although everyone enjoys a good, refreshing drizzle, intense downpours aren't really that great. Unfortunately, that's what she keeps getting. And I have to say, I think it's time for some sun.

Two of her friends have "abandoned" her, in a sense. One will return soon, but not soon enough, and the other probably won't. I know the feeling and I don't like it. Her significant other is a dick, and quite frankly if he were to get the death penalty, I would pay to be there. And now, I read that she didn't even get a chance to get her license. But worse than that, I don't ever want to hear about my friends being in emotional stress. And when I read that she too "can cry in front of a friend" and did, I get upset. I know how embarrassing it can be to lose control of that sort of thing. I'm usually good at not doing it, but sometimes it's just impossible to control it.

This part is where it gets weird and a little less poetic. No metaphors or creative writing. And feel free to skip right on to the non-brightly colored text.
About 9 years ago, I lost all faith in a higher power, ie God. I couldn't understand why He would make my parents hate each other and not want to live with me at the same time. I couldn't understand why it took Him a year before He made the truth hit me. Why would someone who loved us as his children make one of them so sad that she tried to O.D. on pills and then tried to slit her wrists, or gather enough courage to drive into a tree or jump off a bridge? Why would He want his daughter to end her life? But more importantly, why would he create someone like John Allen, who did nothing but fuck everything up even more. I prayed all the time for God to make me happy again. But alas, this didn't happen. And for several years, I was uncertain of whether there was a God or not. And then, when I found comfort in causing physical harm to myself and emotional harm to others, I decided that God did not exist. Everyone talks of his love, and I wasn't getting any...therefore he didn't care about me and I didn't need to believe in him anymore. Now, about a year or so ago, I was in another situation, where I ran out of options and I prayed. I made it through alive (and i'm not just saying that as a figure of speech), no alcohol poisoning or car "accidents." I'm fine. Does this mean there is a God, or was I just lucky? I honestly don't know.

Since I am still in the "Is there a God or isn't there?" conflict, I decided that praying wouldn't hurt. Just in case, you know. So, about half an hour ago, I sat on my little dorm bed and prayed that my friend would be happy. And if He could give her a sign that things would get better, that would be splendid. I did it not so I would feel like I did something, I did it because I love her, and I really want her to be happy. She deserves it more than anyone I know, especially more than me.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

bring it on

I have to get up in 7 hours for a class. I don't want to. I'm sick of school already, and it's been two days. They changed everything around in the cafeteria and I'm living in a really hellish part of campus. I know that there are worse places, but still, I can't help but think that the last time I withdrew from a school should've been the last time I was in school. I feel like such a lame ass because I don't want to be around my friends here or do anything fun. I just want to be in PA doing nothing. Ruth said I had to stay in school or she would come kick my ass.

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!

She also thinks I'm going to starve myself here. Well, I know I have problems in that department because sometimes I avoid eating or stop before I'm full because...well I hate eating. I'm sure the pringles in my tummy would disagree at this point. But I have 2 extremes when I'm depressed: i eat junk food and i don't eat shit. Right now I am in the "give me food before i die" stage.

I miss her. I have garfield on my computer desk so I can look at him all the time even though it's just depressing. November 19th can not come soon enough.

So I was thinking about the things I say and how I lie a lot. Like A LOT. For example, I don't often tell people when I'm mad at them. I'll just shrug it off like it doesn't bother me and then complain about it to someone/thing else. Which is really unhealthy for me, I know. And more than lying, I can keep a secret like nothing else, especially if it is about me. And yes, I know some people read this and know who I am, but I'm going to share some of them with you now (if you aren't one of the ones privileged enough to know already :p) I don't know how to tell the people I like how sick I really am, so I guess I hope they stumble upon this...I think.

1) When I get really depressed and I'm crying, the only thing that calms me down is doing physical harm to myself. But I will never committ suicide.

2) I can't lie about loving someone. If I don't love you, you will never hear me say it. And redundantly, if I love you, I will tell you. No matter the context or blood alcohol level (haha) I will never lie about that.

3) This one is gonna turn some heads and some "friends" will never speak to me again, but if you are that assholeish, then I don't need you. I am an alcoholic.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

no witty title today

so yeah, here's a little update on what's been happenin the last couple days:
  • went and did something totally not like me...i got a fucking tattoo! that is so not me, but i don't really like the old me, so whatever
  • i went to an AA thing today. i really enjoy going. i haven't like introduced myself because the thought of standing up and talking in front of like 20ish people fucking creeps me out. i'd have an anxiety attack before i got through "I'm Stef." it would just be embarrassing to not get through it.
  • um...i haven't packed for college yet. i leave monday night, its like sunday morning, (1246 am, but still)
for the last few weeks i have had to watch someone i care about more than me deal with a very verbally abusive relationship. i know why she hasn't left and all, and its legitimate, but every time i hear it i get more upset than ever and then even more because i know there's nothing i can do about it. if there was anything i could do besides be there when he pisses her off and she wants to vent. i'm really torn about whether me leaving for 10 weeks is good or bad. on one hand, i won't have to hear it. but on the other, larger hand, i don't really want to not be there.

***I know that some people have a problem with the fact that i have depression, so those people should stop reading now.
i had a chat with a friend of mine recently about random shit, but as always, my brain was like "no, you must not have a good time." i started crying and was so embarrassed that i was happy that it was too dark outside to see me. naturally, a caring person would ask what was wrong, or if i was ok, and she did. well, considering my past with the truth, i lied. and considering she has brain cells, she knew it. well 45 minutes and a cruller later, i told her. and for the first time, i didn't feel like i was going to be cut off from communication or that she would tell everyone she knew. because it was late, i left without saying all that i should've, but i mean i have monday...ooh baby? no. that is like not enough time with all the shit i still have left to do. but if someone stands up and walks over to you, rips shit out of your hands to hug you and say that he/she loves you...i don't even know. cause this is strange to me.

Monday, August 28, 2006

School: Yay or Boo?

Ruth is not that vulgar.

Hmmm...I have to go "school shopping." This takes on a whole new meaning when it involves buying your books, and some notebooks...and that's it.

So the same thing that happens every august is happening again. School is about to start and Stef doesn't want to go back. However, each time is for a different reason. Through high school it was just the simple fact that i hated being around all the cliquey bitches and teachers that refused to respect my fear of being the center of attention. Then came college: The first year, I was just afraid of being away from home and change...The second time was because I was so depressed that I didn't sleep and sat awake all night contemplating ways to kill myself or make my body feel physical pain. Now, as the third year approaches, I have all new reasons.

I love school...ish. I like Knox in general, the teachers are awesome (especially Judy Thorn), I actually have friends (unlike the first 2 I attended), and I petted a fucking wild squirrel there once. However, it's like 600 miles away. And it's not that I will miss my family, because with the exception of my dad, I won't. They are mean to me. And with a roommate unlike Jessica who never slept in the room, Douglas and I will not be as close as I would like...Sometimes I just need a fake black penis in me, and having someone else in the room will just make it awkward.
  • Mostly I don't want to go back because I made changes in my life this summer that I don't feel my Knox friends will respect. For example, I was high the other day and almost died, so I decided not to smoke ever again. And when I am drunk, I am more sensitive about what people say to me and usually end up in the bathroom crying, with a razor on my wrist. I don't really enjoy drinking anymore. Plus, if I really want to become Buddhist, I can't do those things anymore. Knox is a big drinking school, so it'll be awkward to join the sober student "club."
  • Second, I always do this: I get a friend that I really enjoy being with and then I have to leave. Like I said before, Ruth is not vulgar. LOL. I don't feel like she's my friend because I have a license; I don't feel used. She doesn't just want to sit at Perkins, talk about nothing, and then make me pay for her coffee. **NOT EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS DOES THIS ALL THE TIME. I don't have many friends that I feel comfortable with hanging out one-on-one, so when I find one, I don't want to lose him/her. I fear that my going away for 8-10 weeks will make us drift apart a little and I really don't want that.
  • Third, I have to take drawing. I can't draw, especially not naked people. I don't even feel comfortable with nakedness, so why would I want to take drawing? Fuck Knox for forcing liberal art shit on me.
Anyways, I will have fast internet connected every single second of the day!!! I can chat with so many people, it'll be orgasmic. (I'm assuming, I don't think I've ever had one...)

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Days Inn Can Suck My Ass

I was "laid off" because they "were slowing down and don't need me anymore." Right...they were pissed cause I had a life outside of that bug infested shit hole and didn't want me there. Guess what guys, don't fucking need you. I'd rather prostitute myself to dirty mexicans with herpes than work for them. *My apologies to any Mexicans that read this.

  • I think I will finally break down and get a tattoo cause I have connections and can get one at a discounted price...and someone will be there with me to help me through the pain.
  • Here's a shocker, I am in the process of stealing, something new, right?
  • I am also eating some left over country club melt, no bacon from last night's visit to Perkins.
  • Robbie is visiting until tomorrow morning at 5 am. They are going to Pittsburgh, but I don't want to. I will probably get roped into going anyways. Oh wait, I may get a backbone and not go.
  • I think I am a drug dealer...Hey, money is money. Don't judge me.
Diet update: I have lost a total of 11 pounds since starting...however none of those were lost recently. i had to start drinking Dr. Pepper because my ulcer was flaring and its the only thing that calms it to the point where I can move. I am still gross and fat. And I still kinda count calories and avoid the "really bad for you" shit. know, I don't login and record everything anymore.

Other: My depression has been relapsing like woah lately. It sucks, yeah, and I'm sorry to those people that it has been affecting. I can't help it. Tell welfare to kiss my ass and just give me my insurance so I can buy some more Effexor and Xanax and NOT kill myself.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Days Inn Room Attendant..

Grr. So, as you all know, I was unemployed for way too fucking long. Now, I have a job...and I'm about ready to shoot myself after 1 (one) day. Lol. People who stay in hotels are gross as fuck. How the fuck do you get your lube all over the bathroom floor? And how hard is it to put a fucking empty bottle of shampoo in the trash.

$7 in tips doesn't make it that bad of a day at all...considering I only got half of the actual tip. (my trainer got the other half) My trainer, Ruth, is possibly the most vulgar thing on this planet...yes even worse than me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Fuck Life

Ok, so here goes.

The diet is basically going shittily. I am not losing weight. I am always tired. No one is around to support me. My dad buys pizza and cooks pasta all the time and I can't very well be like "hey buy this more expensive shit so can be less gross." I can't move back in with Rae for support because I don't want to leave Knox. I push myself to such extremes to try and burn 3,5oo calories a day just to lose a single fucking pound. I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna die from either exhaustion or heart disease from being so god damn fat.

When I look in a mirror all I see is gross. There's no doubt about why I'm still a virgin...It's cause I'm fat and ugly. No guy wants to take clothes off of someone who looks like me. I'm pretty sure I couldn't even be a rape victim. I can't buy shorts because no stores around here sell them in my size for females under age 45. I went to three stores and found 1 pair. One...and they aren't even jean shorts or khakis..they are sports-ish shorts. It's depressing to have to wear jeans to everything I go to because I can't find clothes to fit me. I reweighed my breasts the other day...6 pounds. I also can't find bras that fit that are in my price range. I can not afford to pay $60 for a bra. So I will go through life wearing 1 cup size too small and too big around, with too long of straps bras. FUCK EVERYTHING! I will never go on a date. I will never have sex. I will never make out with someone at a party. God has obviously decided to punish me for something I did by making me one of life's rejects.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Presenting Pathetic Maria Baker

This is gonna be depressing. Just a warning. Well, most of it.. I'll colorize it, so you know which to read. Red is :( other is :).

I'm starting to really hate everything about my life again. All I can do is sit around my house and watch tv because I've applied so many places and haven't had one job offer. All my other friends work and are therefore too tired to do anything at night. I wouldn't be that upset about it, except my dad has to pay for everything for me. And he doesn't make that much money at all. We're going on vacation and I feel bad because he's gonna have to buy all my food and pay for gas, etc. He has to pay my cell phone bill, for my gas at school. He even pays for my alcohol in an indirect way. And my family is really mean about the whole thing. "Why aren't you working? You bum. Get a job." Well, fuck you guys because I'm trying really fucking hard to get a job. I don't enjoy sitting around all day doing nothing. They have no idea how hard I really try...And I want them to stop, and said something to my dad about it and all he said was "that's what they're like. they're just joking." Well, that's great. But I want to cry everytime they say something to me about it.

This whole diet thing has only led me to lose 6 pounds since I got home...That is not cool at all.
I am always going to be fat and ugly and gross. And this just makes me depressed so I sit and eat ice cream right out of the container on my bed at 2 am. Running only makes my body ache and I have no money to go to like a gym or whatever. I can't even afford gas to go to the walking place. I am always hungry and drinking 15 glasses of water a day just makes me pee a lot.

Just because I have never had a boyfriend, I must be a lesbian. This is the way my family thinks. Well, I'm sorry that I am not everyone's fuck buddy. It's not like I don't try to get fucked. Ok, actually I don't try that hard, but I don't see how anyone would want to be with me. Like I said, I'm fat and ugly and gross. I am sick of people telling me that I am gay. I'm not. I really enjoy penis-vagina interactions. The thought of me sticking my tongue on a vagina makes me a little nauseus. No offense, its just not for me. And I want to cry everytime someone accuses me of it. And along those lines, just because I have a male friend, doesn't mean we are dating and/or fucking. My family is also so closed-minded. When my uncle learned that Robbie was gay, he was like "Why doesn't he like girls? He should be dating you." How the fuck do I answer that? I don't know...he just doesn't. And I'm sorry that most of my guy friends are gay. They actually pay attention to me and aren't complete assholes. And I have straight guy friends...not many, but they're there. Bret, Dominic, Brett, Zee, Mike, Perrie, Brian, Jake, John, Mike dos. Oh wait, could it be? They outweigh the gay...Robbie, Seth, Nait, Doug, Ian (flora, not to be confused with a reader's significant other). OMG, they do.

Anyway, I passed up an opportunity to get drunk because I would've had to drive home. Gah, boyfriends not letting me sleep places. I am so excited that I'm going to the Outer Banks soon. And by soon, I mean not so much. It's still June...It sucks. However Robbie is gonna come visit after I get back. WOOOOOOO!!!!! I can't let him meet my family other than like my dad because they will probably scare him into never seeing me again. I really want August to come because that marks so much fun and I will get to go back to Knox. I can't wait to get trashed and walk to the caf or get trashed and go to the broadview or get trashed and pass out in a corner rolled up in a blanket...oh wait. That night never happened. heh heh heh...So...Perkins. Been there so many times since I got back. What a bank account killer.

Woo, finally Friday again. This friday I will get to go to Al's Melons and see if he will hire me. If McDonald's doesn't even give a call back, then you must really be pathetic. Well, then my new name is Pathetic Maria Baker.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

boo, PA

Ok, so how is life going for me since I arrived home? Let me tell you.

Things started out ok. My birthday present from my dad was a laptop. Not in my possession yet, but still, we bought it. Got some books from Rae. WOOO!!! BOOKS!! They don't fit on my shelf, so I have to do some rearranging. Amanda had a graduation party, that was fun. Um, been to Perkins a couple times. Got to talk to a couple friends online so far. Some more than others. Went to a baseball game of the cousins', saw the family for the first time with dyed hair...a little scary, but wasn't thrown out of any wills. Yet. Oooh, and its not 100% humidity and 97 degrees in PA, as it was in Illinois.

Ok, that pretty much ends the ok stuff. Let's move on to why I have had a stress headache for three days. My mom was visiting last week. I know how to drive. I don't need to be told what I'm doing wrong, mainly because I wasn't doing anything wrong. Also, I was a little frustrated because she would use my car and I couldn't, but that was my fault because I told her she could. Also, she couldn't afford a hotel room, so she slept on my floor. Then, I go visit Kristi and when I get home, my mom borrows car and the brakes stop working. That leaves me sitting in my room all day wishing I could go apply somewhere to work this summer so I don't kill myself from boredom and lack of money. Since we have dial-up, I can only get online after like 6 pm (est). Hardly anyone is online when I am, which leaves me sitting here even more bored than usual. If someone does get on, its usually right before I'm about to pass out from exhaustion or leave to go to Perkins, so we can't really chat long.

I have never actually missed someone when I was home for a break. And I REALLY REALLY miss people now. I was uploading pictures from my camera and was like "Oh, I really want fall term to come." I want to watch "movies" with Robbie & Molly. I want to go to TKE. I want to get a little tipsy and listen to rap music with Morgan. I want to be trashed at Steak 'n' Shake. *I don't want Seth or Aaryn to feel left out. We have fun at Perkins now.* I want everything to be ok between my friends, or at least stop "fighting" even if they never want to see each other again. And I want to be not caught in the middle of things which I have no part in. Come on guys, let's just all get along.

I have been so tempted to just get in my car and drive back to Knox because I actually hate being back in PA. There is nothing for me here. Aaryn and Seth will be back there soon enough. Robbie and Molly aren't even there, so its not like I'm going just to watch porn with them. I just really don't want to be in PA anymore. I live in a shitty town, I can't even walk somewhere since my car is broken. If I at least lived in Meadville, I could go somewhere. My laptop doesn't ship for another 6 days, I can probably last until it gets here. But there are no places hiring, so I don't even know how I'm going to make any money.

And to top it off, the other day I found a scale. It has been my philosophy to not use them cause they will just make me want to find $9000 for a breast reduction, but I stupidly stepped upon it. After revealing the truth, I have become depressed and am practically starving myself so the truth will not be so devastating in the future. My breasts are bigger - GAH!!!, I didn't think it was possible - and I wish the food at Knox was terrible like Gannon's. I lost 15 pounds there from lack of nutrition. So, whenever I get the urge to eat, I drink a glass of water. You're supposed to get 8 8oz glasses, but I think I get like 20. Probably not the best method to lose weight, you know, treating myself like an Ethiopian, but if it works. Sometimes I eat a piece of cheese or two, but I try not to eat a lot. This way I can eat a good amount around my father and he will not get suspicious of my new eating disorder. I don't recommend drinking that much water, it makes you pee a lot.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

partially healed...

ok, so i shouldn't blog in the non-private blog about things that happened when i'm drunk...right, note to self, remember that.

i am a shitty friend because i have been listening to the wrong people.

nothing that happened on saturday was good times for anyone. and i kinda wish we could get do-overs, cause my birthday would be one of those days.

today, i did something i have never done. i confronted someone because i wanted to. i am not the kind of person who goes up to someone, catches them off guard, and speaks my mind. woah, that is totally not me in a nutshell. maybe if i were on some sort of medication...i realize that people don't want to hear how i really feel, but they ask, and i want someone to know cause i think it'll make it better, so i tell them. didn't know i was just pissing people off.

i don't hate anyone in this world except for 2 people. there names are John Allen, and Rose Allen. those are my mom's ex-boyfriend and his mother. he not only caused my parents' divorce, but forced me to change schools, lose several great friends, and in the end, he stole my dog. i do however use the term "hate" very loosely. i guess in my mind i don't think people will take me seriously, but now i know they do. so MORGAN, i want you to know that I never actually hated you. i was mad about several comments, and should've said something to you, but i didn't and i'm sorry. i'm completely over it now because i know you didn't realize you were doing anything, and the other day i realized how much i miss doing stuff with you. i hope that in the few days we have left, we can have some fun and next year will be awesome.

i didn't mean to hurt anyone with my birthday blog...sorry to those of you who were affected by that...

i guess what i do now, is try to get things back to normal, or at least make things not end badly between people. however, i don't want to push people into things they don't want.

i guess i feel better about some things...i'm not completely "healed," but i guess in time, everything will be ok, because that's what the brazilians think.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

brazilian philosophy

ok, nothing really new since last night. i'm kinda worried that i will never talk to robbie, but i am just impatient. but seriously this wait is killing me. deep down i know he's not doing it on purpose, he's just not ready yet. but i really want it to happen. i think i posted that one brazilian quote, but in case i didn't: In the end, everything is OK. And if it's not OK, that's because it's not the end. i am trying with all i have to live by that philosophy. i'm sad to say i think i am failing. everyone tells me it'll be ok, and i'm trying to believe them, but its too hard...

i tried packing today, but i was too depressed about all of this to do much. he was downstairs in a & m's room and i was so paranoid that i would run into him. i didn't...but then i went back to the room later to get erika's half of the tequila with erika, and morgan and robbie were drinking it. it was supposed to be her birthday present and bought with that intent, but apparently they didn't care. i told morgan that i don't hate her because i don't, but i'm sure she just ignored it because she was drunk.

i can't get through a day without crying anymore. this is all so shitty for no reason aside from me being stupid and insensitive and selfish. i feel like crap and he doesn't deserve to be my friend because i'm horrible. but i'm going to go on crying everyday because that relieves a little bit of the stress i have, but not much.

i get to live in post again next year. that is exciting, and hopefully robbie will sign up for post 7 also, because he said he wanted to live with us next year. i hope he's not too pissed off at me to not do it.

Monday, May 22, 2006

happy birthday, right? wrong

Ok, so I know everyone has been dying to know what has been happening, how my birthday was, etc. Here goes.

I left off last time with me being mad at my friends for stupid reasons. That was a Saturday blog. Let's move on to Sunday. I was watching a couple movies with Molly, Robbie, and Aaryn and felt the air to be very thick between me and R. I felt like I was being ignored for something I had done that I had no knowledge of. Turns out, I had done nothing, and he didn't know that I felt that way. However, A had to comment about how I was mad and that he should say something to me about it. This is where my life turned into the shithole that it is now. Yes, a mere 7 days ago I had friends, including one really really good one. Today, I sit alone wondering what is going to happen in the next 8 days before summer vacation.

So R says something to me through IM. "I'm not mad. I didn't mean to come off that way. But we need to talk about something." Ok, I thought this would be a "to be continued" thing. But I was wrong. "Do you have a crush on me?" The phrase literally keeps going through my mind and I can't make it stop. It was the moment when everything in my life came to a screeching halt. I couldn't respond. My hands couldn't find the right keys. All my body knew how to do was cry. I don't think I ever actually answered him, so here's a straight forward "YES." Now, this conversation slowly morphed from "i don't want you to get hurt" to "stef has a depression problem that is in full swing and everyone is afraid she will do something stupid and hurt herself." Still crying. An hour later, he tells me he can't talk anymore because he is drained. Again, I took this to be "to be continued" Again, I was wrong. Monday was one of those days where you don't want to be around anyone, but you do it because you're trying to seem like you're strong. However, you get ahold of a bottle of vodka, and it slips away...R got really pissed at me for drinking, but I didn't know what else to do. I went to see Ginny drunk, but she wasn't there. This just made everything worse. I'm sorry now, but at the time I couldn't understand why no one could understand that I was really hurt because R was avoiding me and alcohol was the only thing I could think of. Monday is sort of a blur because I fell asleep alot and I'm pretty sure I cried alot.

Time for Tuesday. R's friend Sarah has come to visit. I literally get nothing from him all day until around 11 pm when I get a random phone call from him. He asked me to go to Steak 'n' Shake with him, S, and everyone else. Naturally, I do because I want to show him that I'm not uncomfortable around him, even though I am. I got pissed then because of a comment, but now I feel bad that I did. Sorry, if you ever read this. I was so "excited" to see Ginny because I needed to talk to someone who would understand why I was so dehydrated from crying that I couldn't cry anymore.

Friday: We played tony hawk. Seemed like nothing was wrong. Whatever. Then we get ready to go to Katelyn's. We're there. I drink a beer. Then another. Then we go back to Morgan & A's room for tequila. Where I drunkenly sit in the bathroom crying because I just want things to be normal. Then he finds out I don't want to be around him because he doesn't want to be around me. I leave to go to my room but figure what the hell, I'll just go to Katelyn's. I drank two more beers and like 1/2 shot of everclear. FUCKED UP. Robbie has like 12-13 shots of tequila. FUCKED UP. We went to a frat party and he didn't know where he was or where the bathroom was, so I walked him back to his room. I am a good friend. My birthday had started about 2 hours ago and I was having a good time. Then, we're in his room and he goes to pee. About 30 minutes later, he's not back so I go to check on him. Then I sit there while he throws up giving him tissues and water and talking to him about how he's going to be ok, and then sit with him in the suite until he fell asleep. Then, I sat there until 3 am to make sure he was ok. Happy Birthday to me right? I'm a good friend.

Saturday (this is the best one yet, honest): I woke up, not hungover, ready to have a good birthday with intent to go to a booksale with Molly. Yeah, no. After falling asleep at fucking 4, I was too tired to do anything. Then, at lunch Erika informs us that R has not picked up Sarah yet. He of course has lost his cell phone and no one knows how he is doing. We went to get him, and I, still being a damn good friend, drive his sick and hungover ass to Peoria to get her. I missed Gala decorating. Then I take them to Taco Bell because he's hungry. And I bought him a gatorade because he was dying. There, 3 hours out of my birthday gone. Now, after dinner, pre-gala drinking. I had 3 shots of southern comfort and 1/2 bottle of Pucker. I was trashed. Would you like to know what Robbie said to me "Yeah, I was pissed at you when you drank on Monday." That's about it...then we were in his room waiting for sarah and i was feeling like shit and couldn't move cause i was so sick and i couldn't find my phone. he threw me out of his room because they were leaving when all i wanted was my phone. he really didn't pay that much attention to me that night. like i mean he barely even looked at me. ok, on the way to the gala, i made a comment about how my birthday really hasn't been that great and how i don't feel good cause i'm trashed as hell and without turning around R says "Go home." So I did, kinda. I went outside where I had to leave because campus security came by. Then I sat in the chair in the bathroom lounge waiting for anything to happen. molly sat with me for awhile...i didn't want to be where robbie was. i couldn't handle it. becuase we haven't talked about it yet. its still weird for both of us. i wanted to go to TKE. So I did. Where I was hella trashed. and hella sick and got beer spilled on me. and saw my roommate dance like a drunk person dances. And carri was dancing all crazy and then robbie showed up. and when i bumped him cause there were like 554357 people there, he would get really defensive like and move away. whatever. molly got really pissed at him and told him to run away because he's good at that. and i got pissed at her because he doesn't deserved to be yelled at by anyone.

Today: he left early enough to avoid everyone on campus except erika. he went home. and emailed me telling me that i should just shut up and wait for him to come to me. well, that's what i've been fucking doing, but i didn't want to run out of time. i'm only going to be here for 8 more days. i feel really shitty about the way that i've been treating him, but i didn't want to hurt him. my intent was not to hurt him ever. i just wanted to know what was going on. i guess everyone else is ok now. but he hates me right now. he hates molly right now. aaryn is still yelling at me for stupid shit that i don't know how to do differently. i'm just going to go and hope that everything gets better by the end of this week. i can't go home when all i can think about is whether robbie will ever be my friend again.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

chocolate teddy graham

It is seriously way too fucking cold for being May 13th....holy shit. I have two shirts and two hoodies on, and I can't feel my body because it is numb. Or maybe I have a fever...I was sitting in the rain and cold last night. Also, I have no feeling in my feet from the cold and i'm menstruating. Joyous.

Ok, so let me just start out with: I don't hate any of you. I'm just really pissed and hurt.

Ok, so yesterday we went to Peoria so people could buy shit for the Gala. After walking around in the freezing cold and going into stores that even if I used my dad's yearly income, I couldn't afford the shit for what seemed like two hours, we left that place with absolutely nothing. Also, I was told I couldn't hang out with the "boys" because I wasn't at least six-foot tall. And, I thought I was going to see legitimate discipline from a parent, but he folded and used the counting system (which is stupid as hell) and the child left with no sore body parts...

Then we went to the mall, where again, after walking around for like 2 hours, we left with nothing. This time, I had the pleasant experience of going into every store that sells to people who are anorexic or are just luckily a size 1. However, we did go into Spencer's where Robbie spanked me, and let's face it guys, that is hot. (side note: whips aren't as horrible as I thought, at least when he does it) Yay, highlight of my day. (side note: i accidently typed 'highlight of my dad') So, we went to eat dinner because we had missed school supplied dinner. I didn't want any food, so of course we go around the table with everyone saying "i'll get it for you." Guys, I have money, I'm just not hungry. I hate when people offer to pay for me. It makes me feel even shittier than I do about my household income...It serioously hurts me more than a lot of things. Anyways, after looking in every store for shoes to wear to the Gala, I was disappointed enough to come to the conclusion that I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. I don't even want to go anymore because I'll just be disappointed and/or profess my love for a certain someone while trashed off my ass. Happy Birthday to me, right? Fuck it. Maybe I'll just sit in my room and cry, because that sounds like a blast...

Oh wait, no its not becuase that's what I did last night. *This is the point where people who don't believe I have depression can fuck off.* So, I was sitting in Robbie's room playing Tony Hawk 3 on PS2 because, well its the shit. And then we went to a party in Townhouse B, and I didn't want to be there. So, I go sit outside because I wanted to go to Katelyn's with them, but after sitting in the rain for like 20 minutes and no one coming back outside like they said, I started having that "you're going to start crying, run!" feeling. So i got up to leave. Ok, here's the thing that pisses me off: I don't care that they were all drinking without me. I would never want them to stop having fun just to do something with me. I'm fine on my own. I'm pissed that there were like 10 people that went with me, 7 of which have cell phones with my number in it, and not one of them called to see where I was, or if I was ok. Not one. I mean, I just walked away and none of them were concerned with my whereabouts? I was actually hoping to hear from 2 people, whichever one it was didn't really matter to me, cause those are the two I wouldn't have lied to, but that's not the point. (Molly &/or Robbie) Ginny tells me that I don't realize how much people care, but I'm pretty sure I do know. I'm not going to excommunicate them or anything. They're my friends. Nor did they call to say "wer're not going to katelyn's" or "we're going now, do you want to come."

And we have a planned lunch in like 30 minutes, that I'm not going to because i'm not hungry and in the last 24 hours, i've had a couple chips and a chocolate teddy graham. But aside from being not hungry, I don't actually want to be around a large group of people. Some of them know that, and I especially don't want to eat with people that I'm not too fond of. (if you're reading this, its not you, i think...i don't know that any of them know my blog site) How hard is it to realize that my group of friends should be small? I'm a shy person and I get nervous and anxious around mass amounts of people...Learn that, commit it to memory.

Monday, May 08, 2006

stef = whiny emo bitch

this is your warning: this is a rant that has no real thought process, just writing, and it may sound "emo" to you, so if you are just going to leave a comment about how i bitched about you or how whiny i am, don't waste your time, i won't publish it.

ok, so as i sit here reading my econ book and looking over the stuff for my test tomorrow at 10:40 am, i wonder why. i really don't know why i am in this class. first off, i am a bio major, which although this means i will get so much money upon graduation from gradschool, it means that i must take random ass classes because knox likes to fuck people over and not offer classes that a person actually needs. so they pay the 10,000 per term to sit and stare at maps of brazil in classes they neither understand nor give a shit about. this was such a wasted term, seriously, i don't know why i didn't just say "fuck you knox, why should i pay you when i'm not doing anything important to the rest of my life. i'm taking yet another term off." however this would leave 6 classes behind instead of just 4, which, woopdefuckingdoo because i'll still be in college for another 12 years. my advisor actually advised me to take a dance class in order to play catch up in the credit department. Um, ok i'll go take a ballet class, however that means shit when it the fact that i have not fulfilled the bio requirement because, oh wait, its knox's fault because they hate biology people. but they will offer creative writing courses all the fucking time. what the fuck is a creative writing major going to do upon graduation? become a poor struggling writer in new york city? or a college professor, cause really that's all you can do with that. and how about knox require art and diversity classes, but close you out of them? yeah, that's a great fucking idea because they like to have students paying 30,000 a year for 6 years while they sit around not getting the classes they want because people come in as art majors. another useless major...and take up all the space for people who want to graduate on time. fuck you. they should also hold group interviews for things, so a whole group of people can watch you choke on why knox is better than your last college especially when you have the fucking flu instead of just one person. fuck the mcnair program. i didn't really want to spend my summer in galesfuckingburg doing research and then have someone else pay for my graduate school applications. well, guess what, just because a couple people don't think i'm good enough, doesn't mean shit. i'm going to show all of you that i can be good enough, and my senior research is going to kick all those suck-ups who did get into mcnair asses. and just because i'm a bio major does not mean that i can't write someting well, because fuck you, i've been published before. but how would you know, you don't ask or give two shits becuase you think you're better than me. i'm sick of the 'my shit don't stink' attitude i have been seeing more and more of on this campus lately. maybe i was blinded by the nicities (niceities?) of the people i had been meeting...nowadays, people are just like 'yeah, i don't really care about how you feel anymore, as long as i am happy. i don't care if me blowing you off is hurtful.' maybe i should get back to my law of diminishing marginal utility and budget constraints, but i really don't see the point. i don't know why i keep convincing myself that college will get better. its getting harder to pretend that i enjoy the whole experience. and i love when people tell me to just quit if i hate it so much and get a job. they don't know what meadville is like and don't understand that i don't want to work at mcdonald's for the rest of my life, which will be my fate should i take their advice and just stop. and, god i hope who this next section is about isn't reading this...its getting harder for me to pretend i don't love you. i think its pretty obvious, but i'm trying not to, because i know you'll never love me. i'm really trying not to, but i can't stop. i'm sorry. its not like anyone is going to be hurt by this but me, so its my fault and i'm sorry. ok so anyway, i don't really have any straight friends, which leads me into the world of maybe i should just forget about ever finding someone with a penis and become a lesbian. its easy and there are plenty on campus, so wtf right? although i'm not gay and i don't want a woman. i guess the easy route isn't always the best route? whatever, i'm never going to be happy, so i shouldn't even try and just go on with things the way they are. i'll just live alone forever with some turtles and a dog or something. little kids will be afraid to come to my house at halloween because of rumors that i am witch and will eat them. Maybe i will start eating children...who knows. God, I am dreading this fucking economics test because i don't know how to do any of it and i hate waking up and going through my mundane routine of class, class, lunch, wallow in self-pity, dinner, sleep, repeat. every once in awhile see a movie with friends or a play and pretend to be having a really good time, when instead i want to be lying in my bed, crying, and waiting for the end to come. and fuck you if you say i don't have depression, because i really do, and i don't just like being upset. newsflash, i don't enjoy blowing off my friends because i would rather be contemplating suicide.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

May 5th is no pants day

You really want to know what I said? I'll fucking tell you. The moment has passed and it means nothing now, so whatever. But I said "Friday is no pants day. Too bad you won't be here." Now you can be pissed at me all you want. I don't fucking care anymore.

It seems to me that your goal is to hurt me physically, but I never thought you'd try to do it emotionally. Congrats, you have succeeded. Now let me sit in my room and cry because everyone seems to find some way to screw with me (except for one person, who's name starts with Mo.) and ends with lly.

Sorry for all the dedicated readers, I just wanted to bitch about someone. Don't worry, because that person probably doesn't even read this, so its not you. :)

Friday, April 28, 2006

Post 6 can kiss my hemorrhoidy ass!

So, I am counting the days, maybe even hours until someone in Post 6 flips out and yells at me for taking MY dvd player out of the suite area so I can use it. I've used it fucking once. It's mine. And I want to use it. And after thier little impromptu meeting about Molly and Me and how we are friends and that is bad because Molly is apparently evil and it is a bad thing for me to have friends...Fuck 'em. I'd rather let Molly use the dvd player, simply because I like her. And Post 6 (aside from Sicily and Jasmin) can kiss my hemorrhoidy ass.

Ok, so if you have no interest in my personal health issues and/or are offended by female organs/problems than don't read this paragraph. Just remember you have been warned: I have a yeast infection on my breasts. And maybe a regular one. I'm not sure. But I do know that there is a weird smell and a rash there. According to an online diagnosis (yeah, ok, not the best option) I have a yeast infection. I got some cheap-ass Monistat-7 that will hopefully clear it up. If not, I will never have sex because they are funkily scented and quite frankly seeing a doctor about this highly embarrassing problem is not what I need in my life at this time. Also, I have a canker sore about 5 cm long in my mouth. It kinda hurts to brush and eat. And, this fucking dandruff will not go away regardless of how much fucking anti-gross hair shampoo I use. I am beginning to just give up and let my body rot away.

Oh, and I think Robbie gave me mono when he kissed me at Six Flags. The Douglas front is looking bleak. I get no enjoyment out of his huge black cock anymore...maybe it is because I have like 5 diseases or maybe I have just been sexed out for this term. However, when summer vacation rolls around in like 30 out. That penis will be in me so much and so hard and so...well you get it.

On a lighter note, my mom is coming to visit on the 28th of May to ride back to PA with me. YAY!!! I miss my mom. Her living in Florida and me in Illinois and my house in Pennsylvania is just weird. Whatever, I might get to live with her over a summer to do some school shit. Anywhoz, it is 11pm and I am tired from God knows what because my classes were cancelled today. I guess all the Invader Zim I watched made me sleepy.

PS: E! True Hollywood Story: Olivia Newton-John is on tomorrow at 6pm(EST) I do believe and if you would like to tape it for me, that would be more than OK.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

random shit

  1. I realized today that I pretty much hate everyone as a whole. Like "I hate people. Humankind, if you will. Homosapiens, if I can say that." I'm so tired that I just want to curl up with my disgusting and torn blanket and sleep until Thursday...August 24th. Why the 24th? It's not a particularly special day, its just a day far from now that I opened to as I was looking for a random Thursday.
  2. Went to see Ice Age 2 with Molly, Morgan, Perrie, and Robbie (alphabetical order so as to not make people feel more special than others...) Yeah, I'm going to be 20 in 30 days and I saw it. This one part, thousands of sloths dance and shit, and let's just say, I thought I was on acid. I give it 4/5 stars because there was no mammoth sex, as implied by the previews. I saw a kid get spanked in the theater. It was cool, I hate annoying kids, but I hate even more when parents don't do shit about it. So I was pleased to see there is still some sanity left in this world.
  3. Last night instead of studying for my Microeconomics midterm (which by the way, I don't think I failed), I killed some hookers. And by killed some hookers, I mean I watched Robbie play Kingdom Hearts. And by that, I mean we had sex. No, just means I was on Jeff's bed sleeping while Molly typed notes and Robbie bitched at Donald Duck for dying.
  4. Speaking of Tom Petty's "Roll Another Joint"...
  5. Um, so took 4 Vicadin the other day...And btw, its a barrel..not a bucket. A barrel.
  6. And ps: taking vicadin with wine causes you to get on a chair, dance, and sing "You Got It Bad" by Usher into a cordless phone to your friend.
  7. Serious point: I have a super secret which is in my private blog somewhere out there in web land. And no you can not read it by being on my preferred list on myspace. heh heh heh, good try though. Good luck finding it, and if you do, shoot me an email, and i'll track you down, then chop your penis and/or clit off depending on which you possess. In the case that you possess both...well then, kudos.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

why do they expect a witty title?

Things I have learned:
Drinking before a class is probably an even worse idea than before a final. Especially when this class includes a hiking field trip. It is not good to be under the influence of a depressant, while depressed, and hiking.

Anticipation always puts its foot out in front of you, tripping you. When the actual event occurs, you land flat on your face, knocking all or most of you teeth out and breaking your nose.

Video games are the devil. Amplitude keeps me up at night.

Ginny thinks "Maybe you're just horny." That is a really weird quote to hear from her; you would understand more if you saw her. You know how some people just look like they would never swear or do bad things...that is what she looks like. This came from a dream I had, involving sex with a friend.

You know someone is angry when he/she screams, "I hope he gets raped in the ass with an eight-foot pole with knives on the end!"

I didn't get to see Molly at all today. :( It was sad. I hope she reads this. "Happy Easter! I missed you today!"

I miss Norma and Trixie and Scrabble.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Fuck life.
Tuesdays used to be my favorite day of the week, but now I hate them. Mainly because today was flunk day. I HATE FLUNK DAY.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

College: good or bad?

College is both good and bad for me right now.
For one, I have lots of fun, and sometimes I even get a good grade, and actually give a shit.

On the other hand, sometimes I drink 5 cups of coffee and blog at 226 am. Also, sometimes like when Prof Thoms talks, I want to kill myself because he is a horrid teacher. Smart, but not teacher material. I miss Judy. She was the best prof ever. Good thing she teaches like every bio class.

Then, back to the first hand, I love the people here. They make me not as depressed unless I'm drunk.

Which takes us back to the other hand. When Im drunk, people are mean to me. They don't let things go (for example, a broken pucker bottle) or just saying mean things. Even when they are teasing...I must just be more sensitive. Although, I don't know why i'm making excuses for it. And I'm not saying that everyone is mean. (for example, i don't think morgan or aaryn or sarah (h or w) has ever been mean). I could always give up drinking but then I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends because that's all they want to do, and even if they say its not, that's what they do. I'm really buzzed right now.

The first hand: My classes could be worse. I mean, I'm not failing nor do I hate the teachers (except thoms, but he's been ok so far). I dont really care about microeconomics or philosophy...really i don't. But whatever, I guess it's good to get a background in things.

Other hand: Because prof crawford wouldn't let me withdraw from chemistry, i didn't get into mcnair, which means I have no idea how i'm going to pay for grad school without prostituting myself. fucking pisses me off, because i've never been rejected for anything like that. it sucks.

First hand: i like therapy, in fact i think the week goes by faster because i look forward to going. plus, i quote "i like you" yeah that came from her...YAY.

Ok, enough bitching for one occasion.

Monday, March 27, 2006

I just read an article for a class that had the worst grammar ever. It was HORRIBLE!
I just bought a book for this same class that cost $42.

I really have nothing to say, but I'm bored so...

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Spring Break in da 'ville

Ok, snowed, I slept. What more do you want?

I gots oral surgery scheduled for the 9th of June. Can't wait.

Got thrown out of Wal-Mart for taking pictures...god, you can't even have fun anymore...

Discovered that "No Fear" energy drinks cause diarrhea and intense stomach cramps. However, Lucky Charms can remedy the latter.

I have a weird rash in places that need not be mentioned on it is not the nether regions (aka the vagina) It's really not.

I think I have breast cancer.

Stopped in Bowling Green and had yummy pizza with MichaelLecker.

Um, the ride home was ok until we hit I-74 where it turned into Winter Land of Hell.

That is it.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

1984 in 2006

Ok here are my thoughts right now as I stare at my bio lab, not knowing what to do because 139.4 does not equal 500.

George Orwell is my savior. Everyone knows that Big Brother is watching. Everyone knows that pigs will take over the world, because, after all, isn't the world one big farm? Quit denying it...really, it's geting pathetic.

Haven't we all ran into some sort of Thought Policeman? Yeah, you know the one. The "friend" who turned you in for underage drinking, the parent who called the cops cause you stabbed him/her, the stranger who had you arrested for not paying to get his car fixed after you crashed into him...All examples of thought police.

Then there's the Ministry of Truth...yeah the so called "government." Where they change the story to make them look good: Weapons of mass destruction!!!...(someone whispers in his ear)Wait, no I didn't get the memo about there not being any. I, yeah, terrorism. Let's fight that. Strategery!

And isn't the dreaded Room 101 real? I mean isn't our worst fear that it really is true?

Friday, March 03, 2006

Airports & Motel 6

Ok, so for all of you that have been bitching about needing another installment of my awesomely boring with the fact that I am awake 24/7 due to the fucking shitty science we call chemistry and its laboratory counterpart. Also, this bio lab is haunting me. I have no time to blog...(For the record, Morgan, I'm not really mad)

Seth thinks I'm mad at him because I have to go pick up his boyfriend from the airport tomorrow and I really don't want to...because it wasn't my thing in the first place. Mike was going to do it, cause well they know where the fucking airport is whereas I do not, and now he can't. My car also has like no gas...and I'm sick of paying for gas to drive people around. Actually I'm just sick of driving people around. Having a car here was for two purposes. Get all my shit here with my supervision (I cannot see it on a train) and go to a store when I need things such as Vicks Formula 44 Cough Relief, tampons, and tissues. Perhaps an occasional trip to Prompt Care because my friends were dying. Fine...even if I have some reason to just leave campus, but I didn't agree to go to the airport. I really had no part in the whole Adam thing, and now I am the chauffeur. And what non-student wants to sit around on campus and pay $12 per meal? No one, so I will probably be recruited to drive them to restaurants and shit. (For the record, Morgan, I'm not mad because we went to Iowa...that was fun)

So, I guess I'm mad...I've actually openly admitted that I was. But not AT Seth. I'm mad because plans have changed without my approval, making me the most important factor, and I don't really like it. Plus, I have a pneumonia-like cough and I keep almost vomiting. I don't want to drive to a fucking airport to get someone I'm not really friends with. We have shared internet conversations and a semi-drunk new year's eve party in motel 6...not exactly bosom buddies.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Just finished my last chemistry lab....ever. Unless I fail, but as Morgan and I are discussing I won't, cause I'll pay her to pass me. Laugh if you will, but I'd do it. I spilled purple stuff all over the desk right in front of the teacher...of all days to fuck up. Oh well. Don't care.

Ok, so there are times I will see a male and think "What would he look like if he were naked, underneath me, and possibly orgasming?" Yeah...The most recent one's name is "chemistry teaching assistant." (Douglas will be jealous, but oh well.)

Um, so yeah...kinda been having a dry spell in the whole sex department...I'm like a light switch that is stuck on "off," there's just no turning me on. Douglas is not happy, I am not happy, but although I search, I cannot find anything hot in shoving a too-large penis in me right now.

So, I really hate when people casually ask me if I'm okay. If you have to ask, then I am obviously not okay. For example, if I am on the verge of crying, and you can tell these things, please don't go "are you okay?" and then when I say yes, ask "are you sure?" No offense to Judy, but I just really hate it, it makes me even more upset. I almost started crying in chem lab because I don't even know why. Apparently something is bothering me and I'd like to know what it is. Perhaps we should step it up a notch in therapy because I hate feeling this way. I don't know how to change it.

On account of the recent low in dopamine, I decided to consume large amounts of Wild Cherry Pepsi to drown out my sorrows. I hear glucose is good for things like that. No, actually I just made that up. Eh, it happens. I'm going to start packing probably tomorrow because I have a large pile o'shit under my bed, and its kinda disturbing...I need a better organizational system.

I hope we get the theme house because I hate living in a dorm. Especially when the crazies write stuff like "i'm watching you, you're not better than me, fucking cunt ho" on the mirror when its foggy, and people are too stupid to read the sign that says "if you finish a roll [of toilet paper] please put another ON the holder." this translates into "just placing it on the floor next to the toilet still in the wrapping is good enough." And I really hate when people don't turn off the lights in the bathroom. It's fine and dandy that you aren't paying the electric bill directly, but your tuition probably includes a little of that. So be curteous enough to do it, or feel the wrath of no electricity once we use it all up. What will you do, huh? What? (Sorry, world resources has ruined me).

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Uno Revelation

That's broken Spanish for "A Revelation."

I am drinking the last soda I will ever purchase...and by ever I mean, this term at the least. Yes, there may only be 17 days left, but I am making the choice to become healthier. "Kudos, Stef." You may be thinking that very statement, but before you get too excited for me, let me explain why. It has nothing to do with wanting to look anorexic because the media has entranced men into thinking that is the only good woman out there. It has nothing to do with lowering my chance of getting heart disease, diabetes, etc. It has nothing to do with peer pressure or really even the way I wish I looked. It simply has to do with the four pounds of breasts (remember back to that post?) that lay upon my chest. They have been converted into approximately five pounds. Now, I don't have a scale here, so I could be a little off in my figures, but I do know they have grown, and since I couldn't find a DD, how in hell can I find a DDD or perhaps an E?

I also have a yeast infection on my head. For those of you who are like "huh? what? her vagina's on her head?" I'd like to point out that it simply means I have dandruff. I mean, everyone has it to some degree, but my head hates me. I plan on pouring listerine over my head over spring break, if the problem has not subsided by then. I do everything I can to make it go away, but alas, I fail. I have special shampoo, I pour things on my head that should never be on heads, shower in cold water, and yet, I can still make snow wherever I go. (LOL, that rhymes) I am sorry to whomever out there I disgust by snowing on them, but I really can't help it. I am doing everything in my power that my bank account allows to fix it. Bare with me.

Ok, so Prof. Fuckshit finally gave me a 5/5 on an assignment. I really thought I could go the whole term without a 5/5, but he made me lose my bet...damn. Now, honestly, what teacher says things like "doing the assignment isn't good enough" ? No one, exactly. That is why his name is Professor Fuckshit. You will no doubtedly hear more about him next term, because lucky Stef has him then also. YAY (no). Ew, today he compared himself to Mr. Mackey from South Park and kept going "mmKay." We were like,"WTF are you doing, Professor Fuckshit?" But, he's an ass, so all is well.

It's beginning to look at lot like...spring break time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111

I get to have oral surgery, hopefully late in the week, so I can go to Pittsburgh and get so fucking drunk that the whole spring break is a blur. Actually, in a way, I hope its not, because I kinda just want to sit in my room and play with Captain Whiskers while falling asleep to A Bug's Life. (see, you scoff, but that is what I do...don't judge me) A Bug's Life is so...boring, I guess, that it puts me to sleep. One time, I put it in, pressed play and fell asleep before the first words were I just heard the music and was like "zzzZZZZZZzzz."
Also, Jason had to miss out on Winter Term, because I'm retarded and forgot to pack him...Who leaves their vibrator on their bedroom floor in their dad's house for 10 weeks? Retarded people, that's who...and that would be me. Since he was not present for this term, I may need to buy a 12 pack of AA batteries (the small ones, lol *thanks Polly*) and let nature take its course. Come spring term, I may have no stress or worries because...well it'll be because my vagina will hurt so much, but also, all the tension will be gone. I'm going to miss my therapist over spring break. I hope she lets me come back after spring break. I like her.

There was a squirrel in a tree on my way home from SMAC, and he was like yelling at me...I don't know what I did, but if he comes across this, I'd like him to know that I am sorry.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Um, updated by request

Nothing has happened, but Morgan wanted me to update. I went to Steak 'n' Shake again last night. Woo hoo, right? Um...I'm eating popcorn right now. And kinda studying for my chemistry test, although there's really no point to it. No one I've talked to knows what the fuck is going on in class, but we all just sit and stare and nod our heads. Uh...yeah, its getting harder and harder to pull things out of my ass.

Only 18 days until spring break...I can't wait.

Monday, February 20, 2006

It's just another manic monday...

Thank you Bangles for allowing me to utilize that quote. It is 3:48 am. I have been awake since noon thirty. I now have 1 full, 2 partial paragraphs for the essay that has to be done by 1:30. I have yet to study for my Bio exam which is in a little over 5 hours. I just got back from Steak 'n' Shake, which was hella insane because...well that's for me to know and you to never find out. I rode in a taxi for the first time ever, and there happened to be firetrucks whizzing by, almost landing us on the curb. Uh...oh right, now for the reason you bothered to read this blog...(assuming you made it this far)

Douglas and I have reached a point in our relationship entitled "full penetration." I think we may have reached the point entitled "OH GOD, I JUST ORGASMED." However, I don't know yet. You will have to wait for an update on that one. I might have to and see the symptoms of No. I won't really do that.

This will be my first college all nighter...I may have to release some more tension by having more sex with my big black beautiful buck.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Whiskey & Douglas

Just got back from a cast party for my friend's play....Everyone was really drunk. I only had like 4 shots of alcohol total, so I wasn't that far gone. We walked to the Broadview (aka hotel restaurant where drunken college students go at 3am) but there was a line so we walked back to our building. It is fucking 0 (zero) degrees outside...WHAT THE FUCK!!!

My breasts have grown, and I must say I really dislike it.

I also do not hate my roommate anymore. She is actually pretty cool. We can bond over the fact that we both hate our bio class and wish there was not a quiz EVERY FUCKING DAY!

All my friends except Morgan, Mike & Sarah went to the Big Gay Conference because, well they are gay. And by all I mean Seth, Aaryn, and Carri. So, Morgan and I decided to drive to Iowa again. We went to the mall where we took pictures of ourselves looking retarded. But hell, we had no money and nothing else to do...When we got back we went to a frat party. It was hella insane. (in a good way) That brings us to today...hungoverness, lunch at the caf (taco day woot), "As You Like It" and then cast party.

Morgan is awesome...and hot. But she doesn't think so. Whatev...she is. I have a bio exam Monday, and I should study because it pretty much is the deciding factor on whether I pass or not....HMMMM? I also have an essay to write tomorrow. TOMORROW WILL SUCK!!! And by tomorrow I mean later today because it's fucking 2:56 am, and I'm not tired. Nor do I feel the urge to go back to the Broadview and hope for a table. So I will sit here and drunkingly write an essay.

I had Whiskey today and it was really good. It was mixed with some sort of store brand soda entitled "sour." It was really good. I also had some Bahama Mama and some sort of Golden Rum...not sure. Anyway I couldn't stand and this weird guy Evan kissed me.

Douglas is my new boyfriend. (Keep in mind, I am a virgin when you read this next sentence) We tried having sex last night, but he is too fucking thick, so he settled for me sucking it. Yeah, not typical Stef behavior but deal with it. (PS: he is black) Maybe we will try again tonight. He's here with me right now. Oh god, I am horny. I know you needed to know that...

Ok, as it is 3:00 am, I'm going to do something other than sit here and go on and on about my sexual encounters and new found alcohol addiction.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

i'm a bit intoxicated

um, keystone light is really gross...and i've only had two so far
i have labyrinthitis
i love college
sarah and mike and morgan and seth are awesome
morgan is hot
i went to peoria today and almost died in a car accident
holla back

Monday, January 16, 2006

Alcohol & College

I recently passed a sign entitled "College Drinking: Everyone's Not Doing It" and ironically this was posted in a dorm lounge which always has a faint (if not strong) smell of Keystone Light and/or Rum. Now, as I joined in the festivities this past weekend, I managed to learn some things*. Some things that are even more important than mitosis and calculus. I will now share them. *Not all are things that happened to me (4, 7, 8, 9).

1) 2 smirnoff triple blacks + 2 gin and tonics = nausea and possibly vomiting
2) BBQ sauce is bad "morning after" food
3) 2 smirnoff triple blacks + 2 gin and tonics = kareoke, possibly resulting in you singing Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" or Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me"
4) mass amounts of rum may result in: drunk dialing people and professing your love for them
5) or drunk dialing people and discussing how gross bananas are
6) spin the bottle is a bad drunken game because you will kiss anyone/thing
7) you may be reduced to nothing but boxers and feel the need to roll them up as if you are wearing a thong
8) tripping over a coat (?), landing on your ass and laughing so hard you can not get up
9) screaming out the phrase "stop suffocating me!" when you are not actually being touched by any of the other people in your bed

Beware the dangers of alcohol. Especially those fruity ones, where you can't tell you are getting drunk.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Karma Sucks

So, I realized that I have done something resulting in this wonderful karma that leads to me being blessed with fucking shitty roommates. Now, I don't really know what I've done to make this happen, but I would like to now say I'm really sorry and I will never do anything like it again. Honestly.

Becca had sex in my room. Jessica throws her birth control containers away in the garbage, and then refuses to empty it. Even though, 83% of the shit in it is hers.

Becca talked about me behind my back on the phone. Jessica likes to be really obvious about whispering about me in front of me.

Becca was a preppy slut, stuck in the highschool world of cliques. Jessica is the same.

Jessica also likes to go through my stuff, leave the room everytime I come in, ignore Aaryn now that she knows she's my friend, leave her computer on 24/7 with the speakers up all the way, leave her shit all over the room, pretend I don't exist, especially when I'm sleeping, pretend she is superior to me, etc. I met her ex-roommate today. Apparently she wants to live alone because that's what she does. Well then she should've requested a fucking single room. If she thinks she can push me to the extreme where I move out, she is mistaken. She could pee on my bed, and I would resist because I'm not going to be pushed around anymore. Fuck her and her frat boy boyfriend. I hate Jessica Wilson. I do. Fuck her. Bring it on, bitch. Just know that I will not sink to your level and try to expel you without any verbal communication.

Thursday, January 05, 2006 is ok. I have three science classes. Why did I choose biology??? SO STUPID. My room is relatively huge. I have so much space, and my roommate is like never here. She's a little weird. And preppy...vomit. My schedule allows for mass amounts of free time. Everyday. Naps are fun though. The cafeteria food is so much better than Gannon's. This is like a 5 star restaurant compared to Gannon. Hmm, let's see what else could I say? My books SO FAR have come to $321.80. And I still have one class left.

New Years Eve sucked a little. First off, I was one of the three sober people because I had to drive people home. For two reasons really: 1) i have a license & car 2) we were going to aaryn's and her parents are in AA. Not a good idea to show up there drunk. I felt kinda jealous of some of the people there because I really wanted to drink with them, but whatever. Then, we were about to leave and my fingers were slammed in a door, so now they're kinda, you know, broken. Then, as I was crying and attempting to drive back to aaryn's, I realized that I just wanted to go home and fuck everyone/thing else. I couldn't sleep until around 6 am which sucked because I had to get up, finish packing, and drive to Illinois in like two-four hours. It was bad. I almost had a breakdown, but I managed to fall asleep before I could let that happen.

I am now one hour behind what I used to be...that's not really important, just a statement.