Monday, October 31, 2005

Sick :(

Why am I so sick today? God, why does my stomach have to hate me? Fuck my stomach. I am so tired. I almost fell asleep at 8. Warning, Scream 3 is probably a bad movie. I watched teh first 7 minutes and decided that it was not worth wasting two hours on it. That's how bad it is. Then, when we got home, I watched teh last 10 minutes, and got the full effect of the whole movie. I need to like clean out my stomach and start over. I lost another pound...but that's probably not from my healthy eating, that's from me being so nauseus I can't move, and not eating at all. I am also always fucking exhausted. I have no idea why. I lie in bed for hours waiting to fall asleep because I will be sitting here doing computer things, and get tired, so I'll lie down, and it'll be gone. I'll be wide awake. But then, when I do fall alseep, it's an incredibly deep sleep, for example, I slept through my alarm which is right by my head for an hour and a half and it gets increasingly louder every ten seconds you don't push the snooze button, and I sleep for like 12 hours. Nothing wakes me up. There are three phones in my house and they all ring 4 times before the answering machine comes on. One is in my room...Nothing. It's depressing. Yeah. Anyway, no one flooded my inbox with comments last time, so I'm hoping it happens this time. I miss reading them.

If you read the myspace blog "eek", don't read this:
I woke up this morning and sighed when I saw the clock. Noon again? I thought. Then, I was like, oh god, I forgot, it's daylight savings time...YAY!!! It's only 11.

I have been really nauseus all day, so I decided to eat. A hotpocket. It was very good, but I was still hungry. So I ate chicken. Bad choice. The grease made me sicko again. Now I am sucking down a ginger ale in hopes of it settling me. It won't.

We have to get groceries still and its 4 pm already. Maybe I can convince my dad to stop at Quiznos because it is next to the grocery store, and I really want to eat a yummy sub. While the Whole Darn Thing is scrumptious, they don't have the choices of Quiznos, and I always get the same thing at WDT.

I reek of grease because of the tripod my camera is on. It's there so I can take pictures of myself. Yeah...that's right I do that.

I deleted almost a gig of shit off my computer today. I was just like, eh, I have nothing else to do, so I will clean my comp. I had to get rid of a lot of porn, as you know, that takes up shitloads of space. Haha, no really.

Friday, October 28, 2005

What's Up?

This is what you might ask me if you met me in Wal-Mart or at the gas station. Well, let me tell you. I broke down the other day, yesterday actually, and decided to cut off some of my out-of-control hair. Seven inches to be exact. Now it is shoulder length...because she cut it two inches shorter than I asked. Bitch!

I also carved a pumpkin (the one from Finny's) and it is so kick-ass. Yes, I am happy about my jack-o-lantern. I was complimented on it. And I managed to keep 8 fingers.

I passed out trick-or-treat candy this lovely evening, while reading "Sphere" because 9 kids came at 6:05 and that was it until 7:30 when my cousins stopped by.

I had to drive to a gas station today so I could call my friend in Illinois. This creepy guy looked at me and stood staring at me for a couple seconds...I locked my doors.

Family Guy is on now, as it is everyday at 11:30 pm, and so I must part with you, the dedicated reader. Please leave many comments about how I can make money from home, because I really enjoy deleting all the emails alerting me of these lovely comments. Please also comment about how this blog is so interesting and how you have bookmarked. Honestly, flooding my inbox is the greatest compliment.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Human Trafficking

At first I was worried about watching a Lifetime movie, but then I was like "What the hell? If it sucks, then I can just not watch the rest." So, I watched Human Trafficking, and the first half was really good. I had to wait until today to watch the second half, and for the first time I didn't feel like I wasted four hours. Most four hour movies are shit, but this one actually wasn't. It took 3 3/4 hours to reach the climax, and at times you weren't sure which country they were in, but all in all I give it four stars (out of five). Mira Sorvino made a hot mail-order bride...ha. I don't really like how they summed it all up in the last minute, with clips of them busting all the brothels that weren't really mentioned in the rest of the story, except for the fact that they existed. It was very graphic, though, so if seeing a fourteen year old get raped or an eleven year old getting her neck broken offends you, I don't suggest ever watching it.

Hmm, nothing else has been going on...Uh, I bought gloves and a matching scarf the other day (can we say girly). Also, my friend sent me a virus through AIM, although he didn't do it on purpose. So now I sit here with my 5 hour virus scan trying to find any other infected files. Our power keeps going out. The whole "town" has been losing power causing a HUGE blackout. And by town, I mean all 20 houses in this lovely 2 square mile area.

Eek! I went to my high school to do something in the guidance office and naturally, I went to pull down in front of the school, you know where the office is. Well, the rent-a-cop crossing guard was like "Are you picking up your kid?" Ok, I might add here that I don't look older than maybe 25, meaning I would've been 10 when I had this child. So I replied with "No I have to see the guidance counselor." Apparently this translated into, "I'm breaking into the school because I love it so much." But he was like "You'll have to go park down there. Either the student parking lot or along the curb. We can't let just anyone down there." WTF does that mean? What gave him the impression that I was a terrorist? Was it the fact that school was letting out in 3 minutes leaving no students or teachers for me to kill? Was it my lizard steering wheel cover? No, I think it was the pillows and the purse on my passenger seat that put me right into that terrorist category. Then the ass sees me walking down the sidewalk with a piece of paper and my car keys...That's it. Oh yeah, where's the bomb and/or gun? Duh! In my bra...So I go in, and since someone held the door open for me, I didn't have to push the button and "state my purpose for visiting." So I go in the office to sign in, and the secretary was so incredibly kind, I thought I would vomit when she turned to me and said, "Who are you?" Well, bitch, I'm a visitor since I'm signing in on the fucking VISITOR'S NOTEBOOK. So I told her why I was there and she's like "Well, put on a nametag and go." So I looked around and there weren't any, so I was like "Um..." and she's like "Oh, they're all gone? Here," and tosses one at me. Thanks. It's a fucking dog head thing, so I'm thinking "I'm not putting this fucking thing on." Now, as you recall all the students are leaving because school is over, I'm sure someone was going to stop me in the hall and say, "Hey, you graduated already didn't you?" I saw one of my old teachers who I had for 6 years (7-12) and kinda waved and she ignored me...She must still think my name is Ashley...So it takes me two seconds to do what I went there for and I go back to sign out and Miss Friendly is like "Well, that didn't take very long." I looked at her and walked out. She was so nice when I was a student, but apparently after you graduate, people there no longer have to be congenial.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Rae, this one's for you.

So we were at Finny's Pumpkin farm today, and as we were leaving with our $3 pumpkin, the ninja turtle cutouts were looking a little strange. Almost lifelike. Before we knew what was happening, they came to life and Donatello started ninjaing my dad. Well, good thing he had that pumpkin, because he threw it to the ground and it poofed into a sort of energy thing, surrounding him and protecting him from the ninja blows. There was no way for me to call for help because my cell phone had no reception, as usual, and everyone else was to awestruck to do anything. Unbeknownst (yes that is a word) to me, my dad is a jedi knight. He whipped out what we thought was a pencil, but it transformed into a super light saber, a purple one...Purple is a symbol for royalty. Anyway, the energy thing disappeared and Donatello jumped back. Dad was going insane with his jediness, totally kicking ass, when Michelangelo whipped out some nunchucks and came at me. As Donatello and Dad were heading into the cornstalk hut, Dad shouted, "May the force be with you Stef!" Well, only one person returned from the hut, and his name is not Donatello. Wait, he's a turtle, let me rethink that. Only one creature returned, and that was the human.

Meanwhile, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the only thing there - my cell phone. Well, it turned out to be even more worthless than I had originally thought, so I threw it on the ground. "Shit, what now?" I said as the crazed turtle came at me. At a distance of maybe two feet, Michelangelo slipped on some mud and fell flat on his shell. And, as everyone knows, a turtle on its back is having bad luck. I stood over him as he struggled to flip over and laughed. "Well, we can thank Mother Nature for that." Then I chuckled some more and walked over to my Dad. We did one of those sappy, end of the movie, hero family hugs and started leaving. As soon as we reached the other side of the road, we heard someone calling to us. It was Finny, telling us that we could have a free pumpkin to replace the poofed one, and a free cup of hot apple cider each...Aw, how sweet, right? That's what we thought...

When suddenly he turned into a massive spider, but my dad, that quick thinker, took his shoe and stabbed him in the eye with the shoe lace tip.

The End...or is it??

Friday, October 21, 2005

Sneezing Blood

Ug, what a shitty morning. The best alarm clock is definitely a fly landing on your nose and then crawling over your face. Then, I had to blow my nose because of this damn death sickness, and ended up sneezing blood. Needless to say, I am drinking Dayquil like coffee during one of my Perkins night binges…

I’ve also been wearing the same pants for like three days for two reasons:
1) They’re not in my laundry basket.
2) They are super fucking comfy and warm.

So, in order to make my room look less like ground zero following a natural disaster, I decided to do laundry. The basket was so freaking heavy, I thought I was going to throw my back out lifting it. I did however manage to squeeze it all into two loads, because unlike just about everyone in the world, I don’t separate whites and colors. Mostly because our washer is broke, and to get cold water, you have to unscrew the thing and stand there with the hose until it turns on.

I’m so incredibly tired; my jaw hurts from yawning so much. My wish list online just keeps getting longer and longer, and its kinda depressing, because I keep thinking of things I want, but can’t afford. I’m so materialistic, its sad…but only with clothes, movies, cds, and books. I don’t need a fancy car (however, one that works more than 79% of the time would be nice) and I don’t need nice furniture (a non-broken mattress would be nice too). I just want to have tons of books and movies. And if I wake up tomorrow and want to wear cords and a nice shirt, then I should be able to.

Aaryn comes back in 29 days…how exciting!! I can’t wait because she is my friend and I want a friend to go to Perkins with and watch Gilmore Girls season 4 with and play DDR with and be jobless with and drink fake soda and eat stale chips with.

Slippers are beautiful…especially when your feet are freezing. I’m going to a football game tonight…woo hoo, but at least I won’t be sitting at home staring at a computer screen.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Ok, so I woke up at 9 am with a dreadful headache so I peed, turned off my alarm clock and went back to sleep. I was passed out until 1 pm. Apparently, I can sleep through the phone ringing because it rang about 16 times while I was unconscious. Anyway, at this time I woke up and looked out the window to see the pouring down rain..bleck. It was fucking freezing cold in my room, but I think it was just because my blood was still flowing slow due to my sleep. Bio lesson, it does that. Anyway, I had a sneezing fit which contained like 12 sneezes in a row and I thought I was going to throw my back out doing it. So, I sipped some DayQuil - THE NON DROWSY SHIT - and sat down to watch Spongebob. Approximately 34 minutes later, I was passed out again. I could hear my dad and his employee come home, make noise and such, but I was so tired, I couldn't get out of bed. Also, I was so cold and I haven't done laundry in awhile - like a month - so all I had were some toe socks. I was so exhausted, I didn't feel like taking the time to put my toes in the individual things, so they were just kinda hanging there. And I couldn't get the blanket to cover me cause of my position, so I just rolled myself up like a taquito.

Then we bought powerball tickets. Yeah. That's my day.

Monday, October 17, 2005

title? i don't know

Eh, I have not been in the creative mode lately. That would explain the lack of blogging. So, if you have a myspace account, add me. I will comment and such. I'm bored right now. I would always love someone to chat with. I also have a group...join and post things there. My Myspace

Hmm, so what has been up? Nothing. The other day, I got high for the first time...I don't see why people want to do it all the time. There's nothing exciting about it. Your eyes just start to hurt after awhile. Blah. I also tried to get drunk, but three shots and two rum and cokes don't do it.

Lately, I have been more talkative and I haven't had a breakdown in over a week. I'm very happy about this. Hmm, I can't wait until Saturday, because I want to have fun, and this Saturday I might. There's always hope for me. Eh, ok not always, but I'm working on that.

God, there is nothing to do around here during the day so I sit and watch the wind blow waiting for a call about a job that never comes. Luckily I got to drive into Meadville today. I get to do it tomorrow too. Yippy Skippy! There's also nothing on tv. I just felt like updating this beautiful blog today to give Rae something to read. (Your welcome, and you're right, there isn't anything here) Grr. I can see this is going to be another night of Sudoku until 1 am. Perhaps I will work on my wishlist...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Blah, Yay, Ouch!

This is a little personal and you may find it strange to read. If you don't want to know a strange personal fact about me, don't read anymore of this paragraph. Today I was messing around in my room with my scale, you know, making myself depressed because I'm fat and gross, the usual. Then I was like "Hey, people always make fun of/point out my massive breasts. I wonder how much they weigh..." So in a very uncomfortable position, I plopped them out on to the scale, and was almost blown away. I don't think I would weigh so much, if they were like half the size they are..."Big breasts are a blessing, men find them sexy." Fuck that blessing...Men don't have to lug around these four pounds of breasts, that's why they're sexy. If you were to ground them up, you could make four boxes of hamburger helper...FOUR POUNDS OF BREASTS!!

Anyway, aside from being depressed about that...I am having a wonderful week. Nothing exciting has happened, but I also haven't been sitting in a corner with a razor blade wanting to kill myself. I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me today, but I had so much freaking energy, it was peculiar. I turned my Marz, NIN, and Hed pe music up really loud - along with some shit music because believe it or not, I have shit music on my computer - put my hair up in the most ridiculus style, and danced like a highly intoxicated person. Then, I decided that my hair do was horrible and should be added to the horrible pictures of me I have on my computer. So, I did that and then decided to photoshop it. I made burn victim, incredibly obese me, blonde me, and goth freak. It was fun, and really let me explore my photoshop skills, which are non-existent. Blonde does NOT work for me.

Yesterday I went on a major health kick, and decided to exercise. I was doing step ups for like half an hour, and my calves hurt like HELL today. I realized that 80 is my cut off for crunches. Also, I have a meal plan which is working out for me. And since I peed a lot yesterday, the scale reports that I lost three pounds since yesterday...but it might have been the water in my hair because I had just taken a shower and my hair was up in a towel. I don't know. My abs don't feel any more like a "six pack" but it takes time. My goal is to lose two pants sizes by Christmas, and if I don't go crazy on Thanksgiving, I'm sure I can do it...Or I could fast for a couple days prior to the festivities. And by my birthday, my goal is to be down another size or two, which puts me in a nice spot for swimsuit season...Not anorexic skinny, but not morbidly obese either.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

What a Great Day...

I watched a really crappy Lifetime movie yesterday...oh wait, that's redundant.

Anyhow, I'm in a particularly good mood today but this has been bothering me for hmm...I'd say 5 years. I have this friend who I used to spend so much time with. We had so much fun, doing everything together. Every weekend was spent at one of our houses. The problem arose when she got a boyfriend. Now, it was only like 9th grade, so I wasn't completely jealous. I was way too concerned with passing high school then having someone to kiss and grope in the halls. I'm a nerd, what can I say. She became even ruder than she was before. She constantly called me fat and made fun of everything I did. But the moment I pointed out a small mistake she made, I was the bad guy, the bitch, etc. Fine, I found a way to deal with that. Then, she started ignoring me completely or when she was around, it was only about her.

This is where things got even worse. A new boyfriend came along and this one was very serious. So serious, that she lost her virginity to him. She wasn't the type to sleep with anyone, in fact one guy dumped her because she wouldn't fuck him. Anyway, he was a complete jerk to her. I found him to be immature, condescending, and emotionally abusive. However, when she asked for my honest opinon, and stupid me actually gave her my honest opinion, she got so pissed and told me "well, if you ever get a boyfriend, you'll understand." Ok, so thanks for implying that I am too fat and disgusting to ever have someone to love me. And yeah, I was totally jealous of him telling her she's fat (at 115 pounds) and stupid. I honestly couldn't/can't understand why she is with him. One day we went somewhere together and he was there... Needless to say I did everything by myself while she dicked around with him and his friends eventhough they had spent the whole god damn day in school together. For about the next year, I heard nothing from her. NOTHING.

Moving on...she got into a car accident because she was still high from smoking with him and basically wrapped her car around a tree. After a three day coma and overcoming a broken neck, she decided she wanted to be my friend again. So, ok. I'm ok with her wanting to spend less time with the dickhead and more time with friends. Unfortunately, all her friends from school had decided that they spent too much time together so they gave up on her. The accident was in April (ish). Around December, she found out she was pregnant...and a senior in high school who had missed like two months the previous year because of the accident. Now, I'm her best friend in the world and the only one she can talk to about everything. And by everything, I mean her boyfriend. I can't remember a time when she asked about me or how my life was, or about school, or anything that didn't involve him.

Skip ahead about 8 months. I'm going off to college and she's like "Oh, we should do something before you go away because I won't see you for awhile." WTF? We haven't done shit together in like 6 never call me because you are either at the doctor's or His house. Fuck you. Alas, I did stuff with her because I am passive aggressive and introverted. I never say anything to people about how they treat me. A month later she has her baby and I once again do not matter because, well she's a mom. You'd think by this time I would learn that I should just give up on this relationship. Well, I am apparently a slow learner.

Moving on to a weekish ago. I decided to do something with her because I haven't seen her in awhile and I was bored. We were having a good time and she mentioned that she and her boyfriend get drunk just about every Saturday night. I asked if I could come and she said yes, but they didn't have any alcohol left. I agreed to pay for half of it. I gave her ten bucks and went home. Lovely...I had plans for the next night, getting trashed...woo hoo. Anyway she calls me like an hour before I'm supposed to pick her up and tells me that her parents are suspicious because I'm hanging out with her and the dickhead so we should do it the next weekend. Now, who wouldn't be just a little upset over the fact that they changed around their whole saturday to do this and then had everything fall through? I am fully justified in being angry about that. The next Saturday phone call from her. At this point, I'm so upset, I don't want to call her and ask what the hell is going on. Also, I'm not sure whether I want to go drink with them, get my ten bucks back, or get half the rum that my money paid for...

That's my vent for now. Otherwise, I am having a very good week. Upon waking, I realized it was a very beatiful day. I made excellent pancakes this morning. First time ever...Also, the coffee tasted exceptionally good today. Scrabble was fun today too. We each won a game. Yesterday, the technical first day of the week, went quite well. It wasn't too cold, like Saturday, and nothing horrible happened. Family Guy wasn't on because of Baseball, but I got over it and found a rerun on another channel.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Eskimoism and Casey the Lizard

Grr...its so freezing cold here in the northern part of Earth...Damn, I am glad I am not an eskimo.

So, my Aunt Flo has decided to take a vacation from her visit to me. Thank Christ...I can finally be comfy in my warm comfy clothing. I was at Perkins last night, and was so buzzed that I sat at my computer doing online word searches singing "I'm on a caffiene buzz. Buzz buzz buzz! I'm buzzed! Yeah, buzzed." Until 6:30ish am. Then I slept in until fucking 10:30 am...WOOO HOOO!!!

Low budget films are so terrible that they are the best movies to watch. I just watched Garganuta, or some crap like that, and when the guy got eaten by the giant lizard...Oh God, it was amazing. The obvious fake legs and shittily computer generated scene. Oh, I wish I could watch it again. And they obviously can't hire real script writers, so they hire some Joe Schmo off the street to come in and write whatever nonsensical crap they can think of. For example: The kid is sitting there with the baby of the monster after it witnessed its mother being shot by these weird people trying to capture them, which makes no sense...but anyway not the point. This guy, who is dressed like a Jimmy Buffett fan, comes up and looks at him. And the kid, for no reason just goes, "I had a dog once. He ran away. His name was Casey. (pets the lizard's head) Maybe I'll name him Casey." WTF!?!?

My friend "Brittany" was totally screwed over by a friend, and I feel bad for her. She said she would never leave her room again...If I had a penis, I would go comfort her and make everything ok, alas, I am just a girl. And a girl on her period on top of that...even worse. If you read this, "Brittany," I want you to know, I love you and you will be ok. :)

Egad, I am bored and cold. Eskimos have to be nutso. Why would you choose to live in a house made of snow and ice? Freaks...Sorry, if you're an eskimo. I guess I'd have to be one for a day or an hour or something to know just how much it sucks. I think they like eat seals and stuff...Seals are cute. I wouldn't mind the parka though. Seems like a nice invention. I should get one now. Jesus, I'm not even outside, and I'm sooo cold. My fingers are beginning to become numb...therefore I must use all my typing skills to type as fast as possible. Which, if I can remember back to ninth grade typing, is somewhere along the lines of 80 wpm. Anyway, back to Eskimoism. On the other hand, I would get to sled ride all the time. And be pulled by dogs, so climbing up a hill wouldn't take any effort. I'm not really good at fishing, as I have no patience. I'd probably starve. I could never kill an innocent looking polar bear or fox or whatever animals they have in the cold and I can't fish. And even if I stumbled across a carcass, my fire starting skills are, well, nonexistent. Well, I guess I better find some sort of plant. At least with all the snow I will keep hydrated.

So, in order to be a little more open to Eskimoism, I googled them. They eat whales...That is fucking disgusting. And caribou, which I guess could be like deer. Still, yuck. They don't all live in igloos. Some live underground and some live in caribou tents. I don't like things that live underground...and tents are not my thing. Give me a Best Western or even a dirty Travelodge that is obviously a hooker stomping ground and/or druggie hot spot. Good thing I am kick ass at kayaking...I could beat my little eskimo buddies' asses in a race. Learning a new language wouldn't be too fun, though. A plus! I wouldn't need to start a fire, because they like to save their fuel for more important things than cooking. Score!

Today I actually worked up enough energy to clean my room. I have too many clothes. Really…women do have a thing with hoarding clothing and never getting rid of anything. I have a section in my drawer labeled “Things that don’t fit, but might one day.” What a loser and wisher I am…The sad thing is, I have a massive pile of clothing that is going to either be trashed or donated to Good Will; it depends on if I ever feel like loading up my car and driving all the way to it. It’s a shitty one. It took me four minutes to look at everything.

I’m also working on learning all 2700+ songs on my computer. Takes way too long, unfortunately…

I’m menstruating like Niagara Falls today. I realize most people don’t care, but hey, you took the chance by reading this. I’m going to become poor because of all the freaking tampons I have to purchase. I wonder if a doctor could induce menopause without any major surgery. Again, what a wisher I am…

Anyway, I went to Perkins with Brittney this evening. It was fun. I think I may take a bus to see her in Pittsburgh some time. She said it only cost $32. There is a gay club that they go to and it onlycosts $3, so I hope I could go. I could really use some drunken gay times...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Midol is my Savior

If you are a male reader, I suggest skipping the blue paragraph...

Today I woke up only to enter the wonderful world of womandom.'s called cramp city. I was in so much pain I had to crawl to the bathroom and then I almost passed out on the toilet. Then, after finally returning to my lovely bed, I started sweating soo much, there were puddle-type things on my bed. I was finally down to just a bra and underwear with the fan on full blast and the windows in the house open...It was still not enough cool air to make me not die from dehydration. I tried standing up to implement a blood catching instrument, but I had to lean against a chair, and after only ten seconds, I got very light-headed and blurry vision. After collapsing onto my bed again, I blindly searched for my Midol, which I might add is the best fucking invention EVER, and ripped open the package. Damn them for being individually wrapped...I was finally able to grab a possibly three day old soda can and get enough fluid and energy to down the two pills...At this point I either passed out or fell asleep. Either way, I woke up about an hour later feeling like I was sleeping in a snow cone. I was no longer in pain or hot as hell and had to put on a flannelish shirt and sweat pants because I was freezing my ass off. I fell asleep again and woke up about four hours later. Needless to say, at this point I feel much better and no longer wish to kill whomever created women to have periods...

I should watch "That 70's Show" more often.
I have sunk to a new low...I'm applying at a gas station.
I need something to keep me busy at night...television sucks.

Oh my cramps are returning...Those damn pills were supposed to last until 11 pm!!!!


I didn't allow comments on the last one because I'm sick of people flooding my inbox with comment notifications because people are putting ads in my comment section.

Fuck McAfee and its goddamn popups telling me that internet explorer, which I don't even fucking use, is being accessed by a "third party" every three fucking seconds.

Fuck people who call and don't leave a message, but hang up after the fucking answering machine has picked up so you have ten seconds of nothing and then the click from the hang up.

Fuck insects that land on you, you brush them away, then they land in the same fucking place...OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Fuck the tvguide channel for telling me that Family Guy is on when it is clearly not because some fucking stupid anime show is on.

Fuck one-ply toilet paper for not lasting as long as it should...leaving you wondering how you are going to peel the little pieces off your still-shitty ass.

Fuck the porn people who keep sending me emails about how I can enlarge my penis...Newsflash fuckers, I am a girl, I don't have a fucking penis. I don't have a boyfriend and therefore, do not know anyone who needs to enlarge his fucking penis.

Fuck nail polish that peels off ten fucking seconds after you apply it.

Fuck people who make you feel like complete shit, but are too out of touch to know that they do it. Or they simply don't care.

Fuck certain people who, although they know my phone number and have a phone, refuse to call me ever, but every time I call them, it is a bad time...well fine, then you call me. Fuck you for pretending like it’s my fault that we never talk.

If it has been unclear to you, I am extremely upset today. I hate everyone and everything but do not want to talk to anyone about it. Because the only people that I can talk to will just make it fucking worse or refuse to listen to what I have to say. Or they will just tell me that I am a lazy fuck who is making up her depression and that I think it is fucking cool to wake up each morning and take pills. Because who doesn't love waking up each and every morning and eating a piece of bread with a pill and getting diarrhea because of the effects on the body and getting killer fucking headaches every day because of the self-inflicted stress from being so fucking unhappy? Oh yeah, sounds like a real amusement park. I love waking up everyday with no one next to me because I know I will never be good enough to sleep next to someone. I love having to punch walls and break things to let out my anger. I love all the mood swings, muscle aches, bloody knuckles, sleepless nights, long ass days. But what I love most, is crying myself to sleep because I exhaust myself, resulting in one hell of a good night’s sleep.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Usually my posts are full of random bullshit and it is up to the reader to decide whether it is fact or fiction. Well, for this post I’m going to be completely honest. And if that means I can be labeled as “emo,” then fine, call me emo. I will no longer take it personally and feel hurt by it.

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in a dorm room in Erie, Pa, thinking about how much fun school was. I was still not hating everyone around me and my roommate and I were still on speaking terms. I was liking life as a psychology major. I would’ve never dreamed that in 365 days, I would turn into a girl who sits in her bedroom, a college drop out, who is so unhappy with her life that she actually considered becoming anorexic. Those damn eharmony commercials make her depressed and lonely. The only relationships she can have are those in her dreams, which come more frequently, just making her feel even worse. She makes plans with friends just to get alcohol so for a few hours she can forget that she has nothing. She’s too damn scared to pick up the phone and call someone to talk to when she is unhappy and when she needs someone the most, so she sits by the phone hoping someone will call her. But the phone never rings, because no one knows she is in need of consoling. She’s too afraid to let people in…she hides her feelings from everyone around her; she drives around so they won’t see her crying. The pain killer companies are kept in business by her alone, because she stresses herself out so much, she has constant headaches, backaches, and muscle tension. Sometimes, what hurts more than anything, is that some people wouldn’t/won’t believe her even if she did let them in.

Advice I get is to keep busy so I forget that I am lonely and unhappy. But I don’t know how to do that. I’ve applied at like 10 places, and no one has hired me. My hamster is nocturnal so there is nothing for me to play with during the day. The only friend I have around works all day and is too tired at night to do anything but talk on the phone for an hour. Although people keep telling me I made the right choices, I can’t help but think I should’ve just stayed at Gannon, no matter how shitty I felt it was. If I hadn’t moved in with my mom, maybe I would’ve found the perfect school and this post wouldn’t have to exist. No one agrees with this statement: I am a quitter. They just keep saying, “You didn’t quit, you’re just trying to get things in order.” Personally, I think that is the only bullshit in this entire post. I am a quitter. I quit Gannon, I quit DVC, I quit French, I quit the clarinet, and I quit giving a shit.

I no longer have empathy (I think that’s the right term) for others. It sounds really horrible, but I’m being honest. My friend ended up in the hospital the other day from doing 12 shots of vodka in an hour and I was happy she was alive because it meant I would still have a friend. Another friend’s relative died, and I didn’t really care or say anything to her; I changed the subject. I used to be caring enough to listen to other people bitch and moan about their problems, but now I couldn’t give two shits about it. I just sit and shake my head with the occasional “yeah” and “mmhmm.” In reality, I’m usually thinking about something else, whether it be what I’m doing later or the math test I failed in 7th grade.

Do I want to die? I honestly don’t know…Driving into a tree at 100 mph, jumping off a bridge, and swimming with great white sharks sound like real thrills, but I don’t know. There are times when I want to die…but right now, no. Sometimes the line between thrill seeking and attempted suicide gets blurry for me.