Wednesday, September 21, 2005

What's on Stef's Mind???

So let's take another glimpse into my mind, shall we.

We'll start with what I've been thinking about these last couple of days...
  • Going to college is what is expected of just about every high school graduate, and a must for every one of those that graduated with a 3.7 GPA and A's in several Advanced Placement/College Prep classes. However, what if that is not what I want. I don't like going to college. I don't make friends easily, and I get bored. It's not that I already know everything, I'm far from it, but so far, I haven't had homework. Even with living off campus, I've had nothing to do in my spare time except watch tv and movies...what fun. Living on campus was even harder because I did nothing but talk to my cousin online. Joining clubs doesn't appeal to me because I'm not a social person and the only reason I was in French club in high school was because my friends were in it and the teacher was really awesome. Also, I may have found a school I really like (I haven't visited it yet) but since it is not in PA, I don't know how I will ever be able to afford it. And I have to convince my dad that it's ok for me to go somewhere outside of PA.
  • I bought a "Jason." He is purple, made of gel, and vibrates...All that is needed is a single A battery. And since I have a battery charger, all is well. Shoot, who needs a real penis when you can have a fake one. A real man needs food and clothing and all sorts of things, but a fake penis only costs $7.95.
  • I haven't showered in awhile because I just got over a cold. I was really sick. I also didn't brush my teeth for a couple days. I was sick. I reeked of DayQuil and Nail Polish Remover for like three days. Now I just smell like hamster poo because I cleaned Captain Whiskers' cage today. It was gross. I am not sick anymore, but I don't care enough and I don't go anywhere, so why shower? Also, our lawn is dying...why waste water to clean myself. I did however use deodorant today, and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so what the hell...I'll shower tomorrow morning.
  • I was thinking today about something, and it kinda seems that loving someone is a crime. Just wanting to spend time with that person has turned into a grueling task. When you put all your trust into someone...It just seems that I'm wanting more from people than I can get. However, sometimes I don't see how that is bad. Sometimes all I need is to sit and talk to someone who will listen and be sympathetic but tell me when I'm being too pessimistic. I don't want to be interrupted and I don't want to be asked stupid questions and I don't want to be talked down to like I'm some five year old child. At one point I thought that the only thing in this world that would make me happy was finding the right man: the one who will make passionate love to me after a hard day at work and be my best friend in the world. Now I realize that I DO want someone to be my best friend, but whether it is a male or female doesn't matter. If I go through life never having a relationship, I'll be fine. But if I have to die without ever having someone whose shoulder I could cry on and whose ear will always be available...
  • Why am I not allowed to be angry? I mean I get angry about something and usually I just let it build up inside me and not say anything to people. Everyone tells me that is bad. So, in order to make myself a little more mentally healthy, I decided to change that. Now here's the problem: Someone made me upset, I guess it was a stupid reason, but nonetheless I was upset. When I made it known that I was upset and actually said something about it, all of a sudden I am the bad guy. I'm not allowed to be mad anymore and everything has to change so I'm not upset. When I said to just let it be and not move mountains just so Stef is a little happier, I get things like "Well, I don't want you to be mad." WHY NOT? Why can't I just be upset? It's not like I stab kittens or anything when I'm mad...This in turn just makes me even more irritated than I was before.
  • Self-inflicted pain really turns me on. I seriously enjoy cutting myself; it makes me feel better. Now, I'm not insane. I will also snap rubber bands on myself, pour hot wax on my fingers/hands, and sometimes I punch things such as walls and dressers. Before "Jason" came along I didn't know what getting "hot" felt like, however now I do, and hurting myself does it...Also, if you are a guy and you want someone to have sex with, toss me an email and I'll be there as long as you are willing to literally "tap that ass." That may be a little more information than some of you needed to hear, but hey...this is my blog. For those of you of below average intelligence, literally tapping that ass means I'd like to be spanked.
Well, that is all that is on my mind at this point in time. I'm a fucked up individual, aren't I?


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