Saturday, August 13, 2005

Yesterday was fun. I went kayaking, which wasn't fun, but the fact that I was not in the office made it fun. The woman who taught us, Kathleen, was sooo nice. I really enjoy when I meet nice people, it seriously makes my day brighter. Then, after that, I went to Allegheny because my boss is like a slave driver and made me sort through muck and seaweed and smelly shit for invertebrates. Fortunately, there were no samples for me to sort through, so I sat in the parking lot and read "The Scarlet Letter" because I was waiting for Norma to get done with her things. Then, I went to her house and...well did nothing but talk, but I mean what else do you need? I actually have more fun lying on her futon watching her feed her cats and talking to her, then I do going out with a bunch of people to drink coffee at Perkins. Coincidentally, that was what I had planned, but then I had another emotional breakdown and ended up just blowing off my friends, which I might add, I have NEVER EVER done. Aaryn called to make sure I was ok, becuase I am always annoyingly on time, which made me happy. It made me feel a little better to know that they weren't just like "Well, I guess Stef isn't coming."

Norma gave me this thing about living in the moment. Which, I plan to try today. It says that you should think about the future when you have something fun planned...and I do today. If I think it is going to be fun, it will be. It's all psychological, and I'm willing to be optimistic for a day. I am going to a picnic at Melissa's house and then playing Scrabble with Norma and then going to Chinese with Melissa. Hopefully shitloads of people I don't like aren't there, because I will just get up and leave.

I discovered last night, I don't know how to show anger. I internalize it. Or I let it build up, go home, and punch a wall and/or dresser and then when I'm feeling physical pain, I feel better. Quite odd, if you ask me, but...That's what I am. Odd.

Hmm...I found a picture of the cutest fucking puppy I have ever seen. OMFG, it is so fucking cute. I think I would sell my soul to own that puppy.

Friday, August 12, 2005

So...summer vacation 2005's been what? About five months. Let's update!!!
  1. I still have no life.
  2. I still have no money.
  3. I still have no one to have sex with.
  4. I have been diagnosed with a chronic disease...
  5. I have a new best friend.
  6. I have a new view on life.
I suppose I could explain my new best friend. She is like two inches taller than moi. She has mostly brown hair. She has green eyes. I just ate a really disgusting peach. Like I mean really gross. Ok, anyway, she is totally awesome. I can tell her anything except one thing. But, I can't tell anyone that. She's the only one I have ever told my deepest secret. Um, she lives with no other human, but has cats and bunny rabbits. I love the one, it's terribly cute. She's really bad at checkers. And I mean, bad; she loses EVERYTIME. She's a biologist at the place where I work. Also, she's older than me, but that makes absolutely no difference to me.

I discovered that I don't actually see anything but what is inside people. For example, Norma is 52, and to me that's just a number. Kymi gets a lot of shit because she is Asian. I don't think about that at all. I really don't and I guess that makes me a good person.

However, I'd like all the people who read this to know - yes all 3 of you - that I am not a good person. I have driven drunk. I have done other illegal things. I have said things to people that I didn't mean because I was upset. I offend people all the time, and quite frankly, I don't care. Seriously, I am a horrible person. Let's see...what else has changed?

My view on life: I don't care about my existence. I suppose that is why I am on pills...Gee whilikers, um...If I were to be in a car accident, I wouldn't want to live: someone else could have my organs, since I'm a donor. If a deer ran out in front of me and my car went insane and struck a tree, I think I would have soo much fun.

Hey, so since it's late...well ok, I've been partying like mad at my friend's house. We really knocked back the whiskey, rum, and brandy...yeah. I'm smashed?? Am I a virgin mother? That'd be it wouldn't. Anyway, fuck I'm tired.